Fork in the road...relationship and professional

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I recently finished my Ph.D., and the time has come to move onward to the next phase of my life. I want to become a university professor, so I’ll have to complete one or two post-doctoral fellowships. The situation at this point is promising, provided I keep up my current record of research and teaching. My girlfriend of five years, however, anchors me to one city. Alone, I could potentially go anywhere and work on the cutting edge of my field. With her, I’m stuck with a serviceable career. Her own ambitious career path likely prevents her from following me, and we’ve already been through several years of being long-distance. I feel like it might be a good time to cut things off, but I am having trouble justifying breaking up. I still love her, and it seems a cruel thing to do to for such practical reasons. But I also feel as if I should be focusing on my work and follow wherever it leads. What should I do?

—Heartless Academic

baconsmom

The language he uses - "anchor", "stuck", "serviceable" - makes me think he should break up with her. He wants to, even if he hasn't acknowledged it, or he would be looking at this very differently - like, he'd be "pleased" to have a "steady" career in a "stable" city. 

PMeg819

Mrsconn, if you love them set them free. If it's meant to be, they will come back to you.

dharmabunny

I totally get/understand where he's coming from. The whole professor career track really is like being in the military. Staying in one spot is detrimental.

It sounds like he's ready to breakup and follow his career goals, just trying to find a way to not feel so bad about shattering the fairytale. You know, that whole love conquers all business, life adjusts and everything is just perfect because you have someone to love.

NOLABridesmaid

He needs to just be honest. I also wonder how old he is.

GBCK

'm wondering about resentment too.

And saying "hey, this is what I'm signing up for, are you on board" is treating her like a grown-up who has to decide about the good and bad of a decision.

Saying "So, I've decided to move to Singapore, so I'm dumping you" is infantilizing and deciding on your own what's best for her/both of you.

I'm also projecting "I bet he was a dick while they were long distance' onto it

*Barbie*

I think if I was Prudie, I'd tell him to grow a pair and make a decision. I'm not about to validate this guy by telling him to break up with her (It's obvious that he wants to.) "Well we have to break up because Prudie said so."

It's fine if your career (or potential career) is more important than your relationship, but *own it* and don't string along your SO. 

If he decides to stay in that city and never becomes a professor, he's going to resent her for holding him back. If she gives up her career to follow him for some potential career that he may have in (5? 10? years - no idea how long these fellowships would take) she'll probably end up resenting him, especially if it never pans out. 

I guess i have to wonder how this relationship managed to go on for 5 years before it became a problem or an issue - especially with already spending time long distance for the same reason (career/education goals).

MesmrEwe

Sounds like they're "Friends with benefits" more than they are "Till death do us part"...  Let her go, set her free, move on with your career, you aren't happy with her anyway... 

As for the professor track - that scares the heck out of me and tells me he has very little real world experience, a fellowship is not the same as having to make it on your own then after a real world career returning to school as a professor with real world experience to teach the next generation.  Hence the problem with the gap in college graduates being ready for the real world because too many professors have never left academia. 

Viczaesar

MesmrEwe said:

Sounds like they're "Friends with benefits" more than they are "Till death do us part"...  Let her go, set her free, move on with your career, you aren't happy with her anyway... 

As for the professor track - that scares the heck out of me and tells me he has very little real world experience, a fellowship is not the same as having to make it on your own then after a real world career returning to school as a professor with real world experience to teach the next generation.  Hence the problem with the gap in college graduates being ready for the real world because too many professors have never left academia. 

And this tells me that you know nothing about academia.  With the exception of a couple of professions (notably business and law), that's now how it works.  You don't go and 'have a career' and then come back to be a professor 'with real world experience.'  The post-doc is a required part of many academic career paths to professorship, and is becoming more and more common in other fields as well since there's a glut of PhDs on the job market and standing out as a candidate requires both extensive teaching experience and several publications.  The post-doc is what you do while you work on your publication record so that you're a stronger job candidate when you go back on the market.  Further, most PhDs have an expiration date, and if you do not have a tenure-track job by that time you will not be getting one.  Thankfully this period is generally being extended since, again, there's a glut of PhDs on the market.

If this guy wants a career in academia, he has to move to where the jobs are.  Not just for post-docs, but for professorships as well.  That's just how academia works.  To give you an idea, I applied for 8 jobs this year, in 8 different states.  Only one was in the state in which I currently reside.  There were a handful of other jobs I could have applied for if I were more hard up, and they were in 3 or 4 additional states.  Most of the states were on the other side of the country from me.