Bday invite conundrum

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My 12-year-old daughter has been invited to two birthday parties that take place a few weeks before her own birthday party. Although she is not close friends with either of the girls, she is happy to attend and bring a gift. The problem is that she does not want to invite them to her birthday party. She tells me that the two girls don’t get along with her friends. I know the two girls and I understand what she is talking about. When I told her that she should decline their invitations if she was not willing to reciprocate, she explained that she was afraid that they wouldn’t have many people at their parties and she didn’t want to make them sad. So, which is kinder: to decline an invitation when you don’t want to reciprocate, or to go and make them unhappy when they don’t get an invitation in return?

—RSVP

NOLABridesmaid

The two girls might decline her invite anyway if they don't get along with her friends. I say go if she wants to and don't get butt hurt if the other girls are mad that they weren't invited to her party. We are talking about 12 year olds here and they will probably have something to say about not getting invited.

baconsmom

Reciprocation doesn't have to be exactly what you were invited for - like, if I get invited to a dinner party for 12 people, I don't have to invite my host to a dinner party for 12 people. I can invite my host for a movie if I want, and I've reciprocated. 

Plus, parties aren't necessarily reciprocal obligations, are they? Especially not at age 12. I think this girl is miles ahead of her mother on etiquette - she wants to go to the parties because the other girls won't have a lot of guests, which is very kind of her; and she doesn't want to put those girls into an awkward situation by inviting them to a party where they don't get along with the other guests. That's really the whole point of manners, so I think she's fine to go. 

And if she can't reciprocate in any way, she can send a thank-you note - on paper, in the mail - which I think the party girls would love. 

*Barbie*

baconsmom said:

Reciprocation doesn't have to be exactly what you were invited for - like, if I get invited to a dinner party for 12 people, I don't have to invite my host to a dinner party for 12 people. I can invite my host for a movie if I want, and I've reciprocated. 

Plus, parties aren't necessarily reciprocal obligations, are they? Especially not at age 12. I think this girl is miles ahead of her mother on etiquette - she wants to go to the parties because the other girls won't have a lot of guests, which is very kind of her; and she doesn't want to put those girls into an awkward situation by inviting them to a party where they don't get along with the other guests. That's really the whole point of manners, so I think she's fine to go. 

And if she can't reciprocate in any way, she can send a thank-you note - on paper, in the mail - which I think the party girls would love. 

^^^ all of this. you and TD really need to get back to writing that advice column