MOB wedding vs Bride wedding

skydivegirl4

Hi, I don't know where to begin but kind of just need some insight:

I've been engaged since December 24, 2012 and our wedding date is November 7, 2015. I will be turning 28 this September. My mother, who is 49 and has never been married, decided to tell me on New Year's Day that after being engaged for 9 years, they realized they were "not getting any younger" and are going to be married THIS June; 5 months before my wedding. This was not really a surprise, as my mother is infamous for doing things like this to me through my life. I told her flat out that I am on a strict budget and cannot afford to throw her a bridal shower or pay for a bridesmaid dress. She told me that she would pay for everything and all she wants is me and my sister by her side.

Now I'm finding out she's booking my photographer that I've had booked for 6 months now (mom was supposed to pay for my photographer for my wedding), and she wanted to book my hair and makeup people. I'm about an hour away from my mom and all of my services are local to me. I've done my research for 2 whole years and now I feel she's just swooping in, taking everything and will get to have all the enjoyment, while I'm stressing. I know I should be happy for her; everyone has a right to be married and book whomever they want. But this just doesn't seem right. Why now, all of a sudden? I don't know what to say to her at this point. I feel like now, she's trying to compete with me and I know if I say something, anything to her, she'll turn it around and make me feel guilty. She's always been like that and has an "I don't care" attitude for people showing or not showing to her wedding. Very poor if you ask me.

My grandmother (her mother) said something to her about postponing since not only does she have her daughter's wedding this year, but her younger daughter is graduating high school, and was looking forward to a graduation party. My mom got a little upset with my grandmother, but is still going to continue no matter what. My best friends and bridal party are completely livid... nobody sees any good coming from this.

Has this happened to ANYONE? I've heard of jealous friends and maybe siblings or cousins doing something like this, but not one's own mother.

Maggie0829

skydivegirl4 said:

Hi, I don't know where to begin but kind of just need some insight:

I've been engaged since December 24, 2012 and our wedding date is November 7, 2015. I will be turning 28 this September. My mother, who is 49 and has never been married, decided to tell me on New Year's Day that after being engaged for 9 years, they realized they were "not getting any younger" and are going to be married THIS June; 5 months before my wedding. This was not really a surprise, as my mother is infamous for doing things like this to me through my life. I told her flat out that I am on a strict budget and cannot afford to throw her a bridal shower or pay for a bridesmaid dress. She told me that she would pay for everything and all she wants is me and my sister by her side.

Now I'm finding out she's booking my photographer that I've had booked for 6 months now (mom was supposed to pay for my photographer for my wedding), and she wanted to book my hair and makeup people. I'm about an hour away from my mom and all of my services are local to me. I've done my research for 2 whole years and now I feel she's just swooping in, taking everything and will get to have all the enjoyment, while I'm stressing. I know I should be happy for her; everyone has a right to be married and book whomever they want. But this just doesn't seem right. Why now, all of a sudden? I don't know what to say to her at this point. I feel like now, she's trying to compete with me and I know if I say something, anything to her, she'll turn it around and make me feel guilty. She's always been like that and has an "I don't care" attitude for people showing or not showing to her wedding. Very poor if you ask me.

My grandmother (her mother) said something to her about postponing since not only does she have her daughter's wedding this year, but her younger daughter is graduating high school, and was looking forward to a graduation party. My mom got a little upset with my grandmother, but is still going to continue no matter what. My best friends and bridal party are completely livid... nobody sees any good coming from this.

Has this happened to ANYONE? I've heard of jealous friends and maybe siblings or cousins doing something like this, but not one's own mother.

Be irritated for a day, have a glass or two of wine and then move on.

Your Mom is doing nothing wrong.  She has every right to get married when she wants to get married.  She has every right to book whoever she wants.  If anything you should take her booking your vendors as a compliment that you made really good choices.  She is not stealing your thunder or stealing your wedding or anything else.

kkcc2015

Maggie0829

Be irritated for a day, have a glass or two of wine and then move on.

Your Mom is doing nothing wrong.  She has every right to get married when she wants to get married.  She has every right to book whoever she wants.  If anything you should take her booking your vendors as a compliment that you made really good choices.  She is not stealing your thunder or stealing your wedding or anything else.

Ditto the glass of wine and day to get over it. It sounds like this behavior might not be totally unexpected from your mom. I'd probably be annoyed too...but there's no stopping or changing it, so getting over it is your only option. Focus on how awesome your wedding day will be, and celebrate with your mom when it comes to hers. When you say that no one sees "any good coming from this"...I also think there's really probably no harm coming from it either. Just make sure to bean dip around any other questions she has about your plans/vendors, unless she is paying for them.

skydivegirl4

I would be in some agreement with you, if it wasn't for the fact that she walked out on my sister and myself for this man and has NEVER put her kids first.

Obviously you don't know everything about my mom; I just needed an outside opinion... so thank you for the wonderful, "drink and get over it" comment.

Maggie0829

skydivegirl4 said:

I would be in some agreement with you, if it wasn't for the fact that she walked out on my sister and myself for this man and has NEVER put her kids first.

Obviously you don't know everything about my mom; I just needed an outside opinion... so thank you for the wonderful, "drink and get over it" comment.

Look, it sounds like you have some issues with your Mom.  So deal with that.  It doesn't sound like her getting married before you and using your vendors should really be that surprising.  I am not sure what you want from us or from her.  But my comment of having a drink and getting over it still stands.  There is nothing you can do to stop your Mom from doing what she is doing.  And regardless of what she did in the past, nothing she is doing now, regarding her wedding, is wrong.

So it sounds like you need to work through your issues that you have with your Mom and leave all weddings out of it.

kkcc2015

skydivegirl4 said:

I would be in some agreement with you, if it wasn't for the fact that she walked out on my sister and myself for this man and has NEVER put her kids first.

Obviously you don't know everything about my mom; I just needed an outside opinion... so thank you for the wonderful, "drink and get over it" comment.

Look, I get it. I'm the child of late in life divorced parents that both remarried quickly and started new families elsewhere. It sucks. No one is trying to be insensitive, just honest about the fact that while it sucks, there's nothing you can do about it besides continuing to focus on your own wedding and letting your mom do her own (crazy) thing. I'm really sorry if you took it the wrong way, but it's an honest answer to a situation that probably super sucks to deal with when you have enough stress planning your own wedding. I hope you have an excellent wedding day.

southernbelle0915

You are creating drama where there shouldn't be any. Like really creating drama and letting it spiral OOC. You're getting married, that's great! Your mom is getting married (after being engaged longer than you), that's great!

Why are you so upset about this? So what if she gets married 5 months before you? I don't understand how that affects you at all. Why aren't you happy for her?

You are letting it affect you. Don't let that happen. You are 100% in control of your attitude on this. You can sulk and throw yourself a pity bitter party or you can be happy for your mom. YOU choose. But don't bring her down with you if you decide you want to sulk and throw a pity bitter party. 

levioosa

PPs have it covered. FWIW, it doesn't matter if your mother planned her wedding the next week or six months away, since you both only get one day.  You sound very bitter and angry, which is where a lot of this is coming from.  Unfortunately your anger and bitterness isn't going to affect anyone except yourself.  You know your Mom can be competitive, so take a deep breath and let it go.  If necessary, just stop sharing wedding plans with her, although since she is paying she still gets a say.  In addition, you might want to prepare yourself to pay for your wedding completely if your Mom is prone to impulsive decisions.

Even if she tries to "copy" you, your weddings will each still be unique.  Plus, she might not be comfortable with searching for vendors, hence why she figured your research was good and to trust what you have found.  My Mom would probably do the same thing, even though she isn't competitive like yours is.  I wouldn't mind.  I'd just be glad that all my research was going to good use. 

kipper88

Get over it.

marie2785

I wouldn't be super offended, so I agree with the "wine, whine and forget about it" approach. If her wedding was within a month, her dress was identical, and all the venues were identical, I would be ticked too. But she was at least nice enough to space hers far enough in advance so she's not stealing your thunder. 

Vendors mostly produce similar products anyways (outside of venues and ceremonies), so no one is likely to notice that you used the same photographer and hair/makeup places. Consider it a test run for the photographer and hair/makeup. Based on how they do for your mom, you can modify your request (e.g. less posed photos, less curls in the hair, etc) so your wedding is perfect!

11altenale

My best friend has pretty much done the same thing. In fact, it's really kind of put a strain on our relationship so I can see how you'd be irritated. At least she gave you a couple months, my best friend decided to get married a week after me two states away. To make things more complex she has an unlimited budget and I am paying for everything myself. All I keep telling myself about it is I'm going to have my big day and so will she. I know it probably doesn't make things easier that she is your mother and I'm dealing with my best friend and I am sorry about that. About the whole vendors thing I agree with allowing your mother to test them out. Now you can critique and notice any imperfections if there are any. Once again I'm sorry for our similar situation and good luck!

Maggie0829

11altenale said:

My best friend has pretty much done the same thing. In fact, it's really kind of put a strain on our relationship so I can see how you'd be irritated. At least she gave you a couple months, my best friend decided to get married a week after me two states away.

To make things more complex she has an unlimited budget and I am paying for everything myself. All I keep telling myself about it is I'm going to have my big day and so will she. I know it probably doesn't make things easier that she is your mother and I'm dealing with my best friend and I am sorry about that. About the whole vendors thing I agree with allowing your mother to test them out. Now you can critique and notice any imperfections if there are any. Once again I'm sorry for our similar situation and good luck!

Get over it.

PrettyGirlLost

skydivegirl4 said:

Hi, I don't know where to begin but kind of just need some insight:

I've been engaged since December 24, 2012 and our wedding date is November 7, 2015. I will be turning 28 this September. My mother, who is 49 and has never been married, decided to tell me on New Year's Day that after being engaged for 9 years, they realized they were "not getting any younger" and are going to be married THIS June; 5 months before my wedding. So?  She's not getting married on your wedding day.  Why does this bother you?  This was not really a surprise, as my mother is infamous for doing things like this to me through my life. I told her flat out that I am on a strict budget and cannot afford to throw her a bridal shower or pay for a bridesmaid dress. She told me that she would pay for everything and all she wants is me and my sister by her side.

Now I'm finding out she's booking my photographer that I've had booked for 6 months now (mom was supposed to pay for my photographer for my wedding), So?  You do realize that other brides have also booked "your" photographer, right?  and she wanted to book my hair and makeup people. Once again. . . So what?  It seems like you and your mother have issues deeper than what's going on with these weddings.  I'm about an hour away from my mom and all of my services are local to me. I've done my research for 2 whole years and now I feel she's just swooping in, taking everything and will get to have all the enjoyment, while I'm stressing.   Stressing about what?  Booking vendors wasn't stressful to me during my wedding planning.  With an engagement as long as yours (mine was 2 years) you should have been able to have your pick of dates with all your vendors because you were booking them so far out.  I know I should be happy for her; everyone has a right to be married and book whomever they want. But this just doesn't seem right. Why now, all of a sudden? I don't know what to say to her at this point. I feel like now, she's trying to compete with me and I know if I say something, anything to her, she'll turn it around and make me feel guilty.   Like I said, you guys have issues beyond just the weddings.  She's always been like that and has an "I don't care" attitude for people showing or not showing to her wedding. Very poor if you ask me.

My grandmother (her mother) said something to her about postponing since not only does she have her daughter's wedding this year, but her younger daughter is graduating high school, and was looking forward to a graduation party.   You and your grandmother and your sister all realize that there can be multiple family events in the same year, right?  There are 365 days in a year. . . plenty of time to have multiple weddings and graduation parties.  My mom got a little upset with my grandmother, but is still going to continue no matter what. Yeah, no shit.  I'd be pissed too if everyone was acting like they get to be the center of attention for an entire fucking year and I was expected to live my life around everyone else.  My best friends and bridal party are completely livid... nobody sees any good coming from this.  Why?  This has nothing to do with any of them?  You all sound very spoiled, petty, and immature.  Your mother is not getting married on your wedding day.  She's getting married 5 freaking months before your wedding!  WTF is your problem?  Why in the hell is your wedding party butt-hurt over this?

Has this happened to ANYONE? I've heard of jealous friends and maybe siblings or cousins doing something like this, but not one's own mother.

Yes, the year I got married one of DH's close friends got married 3 months before us and one of my cousins got engaged.  OMG it was sooooo awful!

Get.A.Fucking.Grip and go see a counselor to get over your issues with your mother.  Go to a group therapy session and bring your bridal party ><

skydivegirl4 said:

I would be in some agreement with you, if it wasn't for the fact that she walked out on my sister and myself for this man and has NEVER put her kids first.

Obviously you don't know everything about my mom; I just needed an outside opinion... so thank you for the wonderful, "drink and get over it" comment.

OK, so you do have legit issues with your mother.  That's awful and I hope you guys can resolve them.  But your initial post really does sound entitled and ridiculous.

short+sassy

I am sorry to hear about the bitterness and feelings of abandonment you have with your mom.  Weddings certainly really amplify those emotions.

I hope my IRL example helps give perspective, at least for the wedding part of what you are upset about.

My mom got married to her second husband about two years before I got married to my DH.  She had a small wedding/reception on the (gorgeous) garden patio of their home.  When I got engaged,  she and I were chit-chatting about the guest list and my thoughts about what I wanted.  She offered to throw a similar wedding to hers and, if my DH and I were okay with that, promised to take care of all the details (because I live 1500 miles away).

She asked if I wanted the same caterer with the same food.  I said, "Great! I love that restaurant."  She suggested the same cake filling/icing, because it had been a big hit at her reception.  I said, "Great!  It was really yummy."

Our weddings, though two years apart, "looked" almost identical.  Most of the guests were the same.  The "venue", food, and cake was the same.  But they didn't feel identical and I mean that in a good way.

Her wedding (for me) felt like happiness and joy that she was marrying a wonderful man who treated her awesome.  But I was a VIP guest and really didn't have any responsibilities, other than doing a reading.  My wedding, (for me) was one of the BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE happiness and joy, because I was marrying my soul mate surrounded by close friends and family.  And there were responsibilities for me to be cognizant of.  Fun responsibilities...like DYIing the centerpieces that morning, making sure I greeted and spoke with each guest multiple times throughout the reception. etc.  

lc07

I agree with Maggie completely. Plus, look on the bright side! You will get to attend a wedding with your vendors well before your wedding. You will be able to see what you like/dislike about their services and (hopefully) make adjustments before your wedding.

Dreamergirl8812

OP, getting really upset and staying really upset over this will hurt no one but you.

Have a drink and get over it means you get to spend a little time being upset. Acknowledge your feelings and unresolved issues with your mom. This works best with booze. Then get over it because there is nothing you can do about it.

If you say anything about this to your mom you're going to sound like a bridezilla and your mom may even amp up her behavior when she sees that she's getting a rise out of you.

So do this:

Then this:

Then this: