Probably nosy, but....

Inkdancer

how often do you and your SO have sex?

Explanation of why I want to know in comments.

Inkdancer

So I ask because DH and I have had sex exactly 4 times since the honeymoon. I get sick a lot, so that has taken several weeks out of the equation, but in the past 4 months I feel like it should have been more than that.

I want to know what's "normal" and maybe figure out what we can do to make sure we aren't too tired/ too cranky/ too whatever to actually be intimate.

VulgarGirl

Pretty much every day. Sometimes a few times a day. Sometimes we skip a day, especially if one of us is sick. But on average...it's a daily occurance.

I have learned we might not be the "norm". 

LakeR2014

Several times a week - pre-puppy, almost everyday to every other day.   Post Puppy - maaaybe 2 times a week.   We're getting more in a routine with him now, so it's becoming more frequent again. ;-)

teddygirl9

We really go back and forth. Some weeks its every day, but right now, its been about 2 weeks =|

We don't have any sort of set 'schedule' so to say. It varies  A LOT.

hellohkb

It really varies. Sometimes a couple days a week, sometimes a few times a month. Lately it's been less because I've been sick, now FH is sick. Plus we've both been under stress which makes us want to just veg out.

beethery

We probably average out to once a week.

Sometimes we'll have sex 2-3 times in a night, then not for a week, sometimes 4 nights in a row, then not for two weeks.

His shift work and my periods effect how often we bang in a BIG way.

mikenberger

We're at like 2-3x a week. I'm still adjusting my body from missing hormones of birth control pills. We've gone as much as every day to like once a week or once every 10 days. But typically it's around 2-3x a week. 

It varies on outside factors, how frequently we're out and about. Drunk sex for FI is just worthless lol and I never feel like putting in the effort. So vacation sex is pretty atypical for us lol

I do realize though that we're weirdos, possibly. It works for us though.

larrygaga

Okay so this used to be one of the biggest issues in our relationship. FI and I have been long distance and lived together and we have been together 10 years. We learned sex from each other and we have only been with each other. Right now his job requires him to be away from home a LOT, in addition to him having crohn's and celiac's and just being exhausted from work in general. We don't have a ton of sex. When he's home and fully healthy and neither of us are tired, we have it a few times a day. We are still pretty young and we don't see each other all the time. When he's in between trips I can count maybe once a week.

We are happy with it now. 

We were only unhappy before because we were comparing ourselves to other people. Honest to god.

As soon as we stopped doing that and only listened to what we wanted, we clicked into an amazing sex life. So delete this post or never look back in here. You don't need to compare yourself, you only need to ask you and ask your husband if you are happy and comfortable with it.

Nobody is in your bedroom with you (and if they are I assume they were invited). So don't worry about normal. Whatever you naturally do is normal. If you aren't happy, talk to each other. See a sex therapist. Don't compare yourself  to other people.

sarawifenow

We have sex nearly every day. I would estimate about 5-6 times a week. I have a very large sexual appetite and H is happy to oblige.

larrygaga

As to the cranky/tired/whatever. Take a hot shower together. Wash each other do whatever you do. Give each other nice massages with like candles or whatever. See what happens. At worst you just relaxed yourselves and at best you feel like banging!

Get more sleep. Exercise. Eat healthier. DRINK MORE WATER.

Get more toys/lube/outfits and spice it up. There are a ton of websites online that are really discreet so you never have to be embarrassed at a store. 

Inkdancer

larrygaga said:

Okay so this used to be one of the biggest issues in our relationship. FI and I have been long distance and lived together and we have been together 10 years. We learned sex from each other and we have only been with each other. Right now his job requires him to be away from home a LOT, in addition to him having crohn's and celiac's and just being exhausted from work in general. We don't have a ton of sex. When he's home and fully healthy and neither of us are tired, we have it a few times a day. We are still pretty young and we don't see each other all the time. When he's in between trips I can count maybe once a week.

We are happy with it now. 

We were only unhappy before because we were comparing ourselves to other people. Honest to god.

As soon as we stopped doing that and only listened to what we wanted, we clicked into an amazing sex life. So delete this post or never look back in here. You don't need to compare yourself, you only need to ask you and ask your husband if you are happy and comfortable with it.

Nobody is in your bedroom with you (and if they are I assume they were invited). So don't worry about normal. Whatever you naturally do is normal. If you aren't happy, talk to each other. See a sex therapist. Don't compare yourself  to other people.

You are right, I should not compare. But the honest truth is that I'm not happy with this infrequency. I have talked to DH and he agreed that he'd like to be intimate more often, but he doesn't work towards it. I don't know what to do to fix it.

l9i

It varies, there isn't much of a set time or amount.  Sometimes it can be many times a week, even every day and then it can cool out to maybe once a week or so.  I don't see any issue.  We both initiate so it's not one person always initiating and the other denying or something like that.

KatieinBkln

larrygaga said:

Okay so this used to be one of the biggest issues in our relationship. FI and I have been long distance and lived together and we have been together 10 years. We learned sex from each other and we have only been with each other. Right now his job requires him to be away from home a LOT, in addition to him having crohn's and celiac's and just being exhausted from work in general. We don't have a ton of sex. When he's home and fully healthy and neither of us are tired, we have it a few times a day. We are still pretty young and we don't see each other all the time. When he's in between trips I can count maybe once a week.

We are happy with it now. 

We were only unhappy before because we were comparing ourselves to other people. Honest to god.

As soon as we stopped doing that and only listened to what we wanted, we clicked into an amazing sex life. So delete this post or never look back in here. You don't need to compare yourself, you only need to ask you and ask your husband if you are happy and comfortable with it.

Nobody is in your bedroom with you (and if they are I assume they were invited). So don't worry about normal. Whatever you naturally do is normal. If you aren't happy, talk to each other. See a sex therapist. Don't compare yourself  to other people.

QFT.

What's normal and what's average are two very different things. If you are unhappy with the frequency of your sex life, that's legit and the two of you can work on it. If that's just what "normal" is for the two of you? Great!

Not everyone has to have a raging libido. If you bring it up to your H and he's happy, then you have no problem. If you bring it up and he says "Oh thank god, I wasn't sure how to bring it up!" then you have more of a journey to go on.

I would be exhausted and cranky if I had sex every day. I would be insanely cranky if I did it only once per month. But that is me, and you are you. What feels right and what makes the two of you happy is the "right" amount.

jenna8984

My friend and I just talked about this because she said 2 times per month. She's like "that's normal, right? I don't know anyone who is 3 times a week" And I was like uuuum I'm 3 times a week. But just like larrygaga said it doesn't matter to compare. She and her FI are happy and content with that so it doesn't matter to anyone else. It is a problem if they were not happy with that, however.

larrygaga

Okay. FI doesn't exactly feel horny until something is actually happening. I don't either. So when I get bored or just am thinking about the last time we had sex, I give him a surprise lil' something and it gets him going right then. Next time you are sitting around watching TV, give him a handy J. See if he reacts differently than "oh hey we should go to bed right now". Seduce your husband

EDIT: Seriously, just do it. Even if wasn't even close to interested when you start.

LakeR2014

sarawifenow said:

We have sex nearly every day. I would estimate about 5-6 times a week. I have a very large sexual appetite and H is happy to oblige.

@sarawifenow Did you think you were going to have one before you got married?  Or after you got married you discovered sex and your how big your appetite was?    Just wondering....I think I knew I had a good one before I lost my virginity, but it's been a while now and I can't remember.

novella1186

I agree so much with larry.

 We don't have a routine at all. When I was in grad school and also working full time, sometimes we'd go almost 2 weeks with no sex at all. Now that I'm out of grad school, 2 or 3 times a week is pretty much our normal thing. 

But like larry said, you can't compare yourself to other people. I think couples should have sex as often or not often as they want. Whatever works for them. It doesn't matter what other couples are doing. 

I used to worry that FI and I weren't having sex often enough, because other people have said that when they first moved in together they were "constantly" having sex. But we do it whenever we're in the mood and not too exhausted or drunk lol. He says he's satisfied and happy with our sex life, and so am I, so that's all that matters. 

beethery

I was talking to some folks about this last night, but make a dirty song playlist.

Put some slow jams on that bitch, have some booze with dinner, and go get your fuckin' freak on.

FI and I had gotten to a point where we hadn't had sex in a while because of my period, his being on nights/hell week/ot night shifts and we'd been vegging out too much and I was kind of frustrated about it.

Put together a playlist, made myself look a little festive. Didn't have to say a damn thing to him but shit went OFF that night.

If you follow through on that enough, it'll be like a Pavlov's dog response. That playlist will mean it's time to bone. Worked great for us.

climbingsingle

It really does vary. Some weeks, we'll have sex every day. Other weeks, it's just once or twice. 

VulgarGirl

What are you defining as sex?

Here's the thing, I don't define sex as penis+vagina only. Sex to me is, that thing that gets me off. That could be oral, fingering, scissoring, toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, text sex, whatever. It's the thing that gets me off. And it's the same with intimacy in general. Intimacy is that close deep connection you feel when you're together (and it doesn't even have to be physically together). Its not just when his penis gets up in your vagina (though that's nice and all too). Sometimes being intimate with wifey means her stroking my leg while we lay on the couch, or me playing with her hair while she reads a depo. We're being intimate. Hell, it can even be seen as foreplay. 

So sit on the couch together, get comfy, and touch. You can be doing other things. Watching TV, reading, whatever. Just be close and touch. And not just your naughty bits. Trace his ear, run your hand down his arm, remember what it was like the first time you explored a person who was not yourself. And don't worry about leading up to the p in the v stuff. 

Inkdancer

MagicInk said:

What are you defining as sex?

Here's the thing, I don't define sex as penis+vagina only. Sex to me is, that thing that gets me off. That could be oral, fingering, scissoring, toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, text sex, whatever. It's the thing that gets me off. And it's the same with intimacy in general. Intimacy is that close deep connection you feel when you're together (and it doesn't even have to be physically together). Its not just when his penis gets up in your vagina (though that's nice and all too). Sometimes being intimate with wifey means her stroking my leg while we lay on the couch, or me playing with her hair while she reads a depo. We're being intimate. Hell, it can even be seen as foreplay. 

So sit on the couch together, get comfy, and touch. You can be doing other things. Watching TV, reading, whatever. Just be close and touch. And not just your naughty bits. Trace his ear, run your hand down his arm, remember what it was like the first time you explored a person who was not yourself. And don't worry about leading up to the p in the v stuff. 

For me, sex also equals anything that gets me off.

Well, gets H off. My antidepressants are interfering with my orgasms. It fucking sucks, and I think it discourages H from trying.

ashley8918

We have sex, like, not a lot. I can count the number of times that we've had sex in the last 3 months on one hand.

VulgarGirl

Inkdancer said:

MagicInk said:

What are you defining as sex?

Here's the thing, I don't define sex as penis+vagina only. Sex to me is, that thing that gets me off. That could be oral, fingering, scissoring, toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, text sex, whatever. It's the thing that gets me off. And it's the same with intimacy in general. Intimacy is that close deep connection you feel when you're together (and it doesn't even have to be physically together). Its not just when his penis gets up in your vagina (though that's nice and all too). Sometimes being intimate with wifey means her stroking my leg while we lay on the couch, or me playing with her hair while she reads a depo. We're being intimate. Hell, it can even be seen as foreplay. 

So sit on the couch together, get comfy, and touch. You can be doing other things. Watching TV, reading, whatever. Just be close and touch. And not just your naughty bits. Trace his ear, run your hand down his arm, remember what it was like the first time you explored a person who was not yourself. And don't worry about leading up to the p in the v stuff. 

For me, sex also equals anything that gets me off.

Well, gets H off. My antidepressants are interfering with my orgasms. It fucking sucks, and I think it discourages H from trying.

If you aren't getting off, are you still enjoying it though? And he is aware that just cause you aren't shaking the house with your screams of pleasure, you still like whats happening? I think sometimes dudes don't get this. It feels good, even if we don't get all the way there, it feels good. Physically, emotionally, it's a good feeling.

Also, pharmaceutical companies, can we please fix this antidepressants make it hard for me to orgasm/not wanna bang?! We need to fix this. STAT.

WhatawagSBNy

DH is a couple hundred miles away for two or three weeks a month for 1 or 2 nights and with travel and 12 or so hours work, the day he leaves and returns are washouts.

But the definite (something's ) up side is that each time he gets to work only a 3 1/2 or 4 day work week. Add one holiday a month on average, we have a 3 day weekend or longer 3 or 4 times a month. More with vacation time. So the three day mid week crunch is followed by a leisurely and relaxing and sexually active 4 days. And we are both home one day a week together with kids in school.
Till last week. Twins, six days old. And I know playing two pumps no waiting means, again, changes.

So no scientifically trackable data on frequency.
Lots. In bursts. Our schedule and it pleases us.

I would be concerned about only four or even ten times in five months for newlyweds. You may be doing something wrong in not setting aside enough relaxed time being each others best friends and happy housemates. The natural lead in to a sexual frequency you might be happier with.

sarawifenow

LakeR2014 said:

sarawifenow said:

We have sex nearly every day. I would estimate about 5-6 times a week. I have a very large sexual appetite and H is happy to oblige.

@sarawifenow Did you think you were going to have one before you got married?  Or after you got married you discovered sex and your how big your appetite was?    Just wondering....I think I knew I had a good one before I lost my virginity, but it's been a while now and I can't remember.

@LakeR2014--I have always had a very large appetite for sex. I've actually had guys tell me that they can't keep up with me. Haha who know, maybe I am addicted.

When H and I started dating it increased because I was so into him.

KatieinBkln

beethery said:

I was talking to some folks about this last night, but make a dirty song playlist.

Put some slow jams on that bitch, have some booze with dinner, and go get your fuckin' freak on.

FI and I had gotten to a point where we hadn't had sex in a while because of my period, his being on nights/hell week/ot night shifts and we'd been vegging out too much and I was kind of frustrated about it.

Put together a playlist, made myself look a little festive. Didn't have to say a damn thing to him but shit went OFF that night.

If you follow through on that enough, it'll be like a Pavlov's dog response. That playlist will mean it's time to bone. Worked great for us.

I still can't listen to In Rainbows without wanting to get it on. (TMI?)

sarahufl

We vary. A lot.

At a minimum, it is at least twice a week.

On our honeymoon, we went three weeks straight doing it every single day (including the 4 days I was on my period). It was fun. But we also had exactly nothing else going on- no work, no family commitments. I think that is part of it. We both have demanding jobs and lots of family obligations, so some weeks we don't have the energy.

He told me on the honeymoon that he would like to try to stick to the every day schedule. I laughed. My body can't take that challenge.

A few years ago, I got him a sexual positions of the day book (kind of as a joke) but he pulled it out earlier this week and we tested one of them out. I was totally not in the mood, but it was so cute that he went to get the book and found the right date, that I obliged.

Turned out to be a pretty good position!

ashley8918

WhatawagSBNy said:

 I would be concerned about only four or even ten times in five months for newlyweds. You may be doing something wrong in not setting aside enough relaxed time being each others best friends and happy housemates. The natural lead in to a sexual frequency you might be happier with.

Or maybe they/I just don't have a large sexual appetite?

novella1186

One thing that helped us out was just timing. Usually we would wait till bed time to have sex, which meant it wasn't going to happen. By then I was too tired or it was way later than we intended to go to bed or whatever. My favorite thing is to pounce on FI the minute we get home from work. And that works out much better. 

Also morning sex, especially Sunday morning sex. The less time-crunched you feel, the better sometimes. Or in the middle of the day on Saturday, I'll look around and realize we're both sitting on the couch watching tv when we could run to the bedroom and have fun instead. 

Maybe try a different time of day? 

theartistformerlyknownas

Inkdancer said:

For me, sex also equals anything that gets me off. 

Well, gets H off. My antidepressants are interfering with my orgasms. It fucking sucks, and I think it discourages H from trying.

Does it bother you, or just him? 

If you like the intimacy even if you're not getting off... I'd honestly suggest just faking it.