Inviting to ceremony and not reception? HELP!

ShesSoCold

flutteringinfl said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

You aren't special though. Just because you don't like to hear it doesn't make it rude. Saying it's a shitty idea is blunt, and maybe some would consider it rude, but the ladies on here are tired of people coming on with the same bad ideas and having to say over and over that the bad ideas are bad no matter what the situation. Just because you really like the venue doesn't make it okay to only invite people to half the wedding.

This. I'd be willing to bet that 90% of us on here (and in general) were working with a strict budget. Most women here also probably had "dream" venues that didn't work out. Therefore you are not special. A bad idea is a bad idea, regardless of how you word it. You asked how to word it, if you do decide to go with your bad idea. Ever heard the phrase about putting lipstick on a pig?

flutteringinfl

shellc104 said:

If you're so tired of saying over and over that it's a bad idea, how about you don't even read them and reply?

Because sometimes, people do take the advice (I was one of those people). And also because the users on this board really do want to help brides and grooms to be put on the best wedding possible. And the best wedding possible includes making your guests feel welcomed and properly hosted.

tcnoble

shellc104 said:

I actually thanked everyone else for the input except for the one person who was actually really being rude when I said I didn't want any rude input!

Welcome to the internet. Have you been before? You can't tell people what to say or how to respond.

 They're giving you ETIQUETTE rules. Not opinions. Nobody on here will dole out poor etiquette advice. We are sorry it wasn't the response you were hoping for, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or rude or just an opinion.

lyndausvi

No.    

And how hard is it to count all your family upfront?   I'm serious, I've seen these questions and it blows my mind how people do not know how to count how many people are in their family.  

And I'm pretty insulted at the comments about the older people not wanting to hang out until 10 at night.    I had 70, 80 and 90 years olds at my wedding until the 11:30 pm end.  And every one of them were dancing all night.   On the flip side I had some 40 year olds who didn't dance who also left around 10:30pm.

ohannabelle

shellc104 said:

Like I said, no need for the rude comments, I'm not trying to "Sprinkle glitter" on it and I don't think I'm special what so ever, I actually think I'm quite the opposite... I'm asking for a simple opinion, if you can't just give it to me, you can take your rude opinions elsewhere @ShesSoCold...and with an inability to read instructions (ie, the fact I didn't want anyone to be rude) and with an attitude like that, I would suggest you invite no one to your ceremony NOR your reception...and if you're already married...those poor poor people...
Everyone else, thank you for your respectful opinions, we are going to have to do some figuring out I guess! : )

 Respectfully disagree.

Firstly, you don't get to give "instructions" to other adults on how they may express their opinions. That's not how conversations work. 

Sprinkling glitter on poop might not be the metaphor you wanted to hear or would have chosen, but it's an accurate metaphor. It means you can't make something awful into something good.

When you are elected Empress of The Universe, you may then issue instructions on how other people speak and express their opinions, but I'm not voting for you. And that childish nah nah nobody should go to your reception because nah nah poor people who did garbage is just ridiculous.

So, now that we've established that you're not the Supreme Dictator who issues the conversational commands, let's look at your question.

Yep. It's rude and insulting. You're proposing to divide your guests into two groups- those people I care about, and those people that don't matter as much. Group A and Group B. Ouch. 

How do the group B people feel while they're standing around after the ceremony, clueless and happy, ready to visit and celebrate, and then watching everyone else depart for the party they weren't good enough to be invited to?

I would be truly, deeply wounded to be designated as an undesirable guest that didn't matter. I would immediately end my friendship with anyone who thought so little of me that they'd humiliate me like this.

So, you're asking the nice way to snub, exclude, and humiliate people that care about you, and how you'd put that on an invitation?

The putting glitter on shit metaphor is exactly correct. There's no way to treat people like this and have it be pretty. It stinks because it's thoughtless and unkind and hurtful. 

Cut your guest list, or decide that your friends are more important than your venue. Invite only as many people as you can afford to host correctly, which means kindly, respectfully, and equally. 

squiggle104

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

ShesSoCold

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

Maybe, but I'm pretty sure that even the elderly eat food. 

flantastic

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

Still doesn't mean you should decide for them that they're not allowed to party at your reception in whatever way they see fit. The party is for them. Because they came to your ceremony.

lyndausvi

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

No what I'm saying it let them decide for themselves if they are able to come and stay up late.  It's rude for you to make the choice for them.

My 102 year old nana didn't come to the wedding.  She felt it would be too late for her.   BUT THAT WAS HER CHOICE. I didn't go around saying "I'm not inviting nana because she is too old".   That is BS to even entertain the thought.

mikenberger

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

Then why ask for our opinions? (Etiquette is NOT opinion based, let's be clear) if nobody knows your family like you, which is true, why come to an etiquette board and ask for help if we're just not going to understand?

flutteringinfl

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

Doesn't make it right to invite them to one and not the other. You're not going to be able to justify making a rude decision. So either make it and own it or stop trying.

But I think you know in your gut that it's wrong and that's why you posted here. And it's a hard thing to do because you don't want to give up your vision (trust me, I've been there), so you're making excuses as to why your situation is different. It's not. I'm a firm believer in doing what you want as long as you are willing to accept the consequences. So go ahead and invite some to the wedding and not the reception. But even if we told you it was okay, that wouldn't mean your guests would be cool with it, and one of the consequences would be dealing with them.

squiggle104

I don't believe I ever said I wasn't going to invite any old people to my reception in the first place...My grandmother was one of the examples I was thinking all because she lives in a house for people with dementia and she has a curfew anyway! Hence the fact she wouldn't be able to stay out late if she wanted to! I'm not making the choice for her, the house that she lives in is

lyndausvi

Oh and if anyone will get offended at such an invite would be a older person.    

Just invite them or don't, but none of this half the event shit.    

So much for respecting your elders.  Not getting a full invite because you are old.   Geez, I'm embarrassed for you.   

peachy13

OP-- you're not going to win here. With how you want your wedding to pan out, you're inviting who you believe are your most important guests to watch you get married, and then inviting who you believe aren't as important to come to your reception and bring gifts. It's rude, period. No Knottie here on the etiquette board is going to give you the thumb's up and tell you this is okay to do.

southernbelle0915

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

flutteringinfl

shellc104 said:

I don't believe I ever said I wasn't going to invite any old people to my reception in the first place...My grandmother was one of the examples I was thinking all because she lives in a house for people with dementia and she has a curfew anyway! Hence the fact she wouldn't be able to stay out late if she wanted to! I'm not making the choice for her, the house that she lives in is

So invite her to both, if you want to stick to etiquette, and then let her leave when she needs to. Some guests might do this out of desire or otherwise. But that does not make it okay to invite her to one but not the other. NOTHING will make it okay. Even if she told you, "I only want to come to the ceremony," it would not make it okay to only invite her to that.

flutteringinfl

southernbelle0915 said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

Well, her situation is different, because she ASKED people to not be rude.

plainjane0415

shellc104 said:

Like I said, no need for the rude comments, I'm not trying to "Sprinkle glitter" on it and I don't think I'm special what so ever, I actually think I'm quite the opposite... I'm asking for a simple opinion, if you can't just give it to me, you can take your rude opinions elsewhere @ShesSoCold...and with an inability to read instructions (ie, the fact I didn't want anyone to be rude) and with an attitude like that, I would suggest you invite no one to your ceremony NOR your reception...and if you're already married...those poor poor people...
Everyone else, thank you for your respectful opinions, we are going to have to do some figuring out I guess! : )

Instructions?! 

plainjane0415

shellc104 said:

If you're so tired of saying over and over that it's a bad idea, how about you don't even read them and reply?

Because the internet doesn't work that way.  Anyone can post, therefore, anyone can respond (how they see fit, I might add).  It's great!

ChemFanatic25

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

squiggle104

southernbelle0915 said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

Yes, I figured since everyone was being rude to me, I may as well be rude right back, why should I be nice when I asked for respect and didn't get it?

flantastic

shellc104 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

Yes, I figured since everyone was being rude to me, I may as well be rude right back, why should I be nice when I asked for respect and didn't get it?

I don't think you know what "respect" entails.

@ShesSoCold told you you had a bad idea, in a way that didn't strike your fancy. Anyone can have a bad idea. You responded with wishing her ill. That makes you the first one to cross any sort of lines.

squiggle104

ChemFanatic25 said:

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

Did I say I wanted her to respond?

flantastic

shellc104 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

Did I say I wanted her to respond?

I think she meant to your OP. What did you expect people to say about this ceremony-only invite idea?

southernbelle0915

ChemFanatic25 said:

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

My guess: 

"Your situation is sooooo different. Since you were unable to properly count the number of people in your family, it makes TOTAL sense that you would have booked a venue that wouldn't fit everyone. Since you had zero foresight and planned poorly, OF COURSE standard etiquette doesn't apply to you. 

Definitely show your family/friends who's important by not hosting some people and throwing a party for others. It's ok because it's YOUR super special day and this situation is TOTALLY different than stuff that gets posted here EVERY DAY!"

plainjane0415

shellc104 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

Yes, I figured since everyone was being rude to me, I may as well be rude right back, why should I be nice when I asked for respect and didn't get it?

No one was rude to you.

ShesSoCold

shellc104 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

shellc104 said:

Saying I'm not special and calling my idea "Shitty" isn't rude? Really?

Telling someone they shouldn't have a ceremony or reception and if they did, "those poor poor poor people...." 

So what I'm gathering here is that you think no one should be rude to you, but you're all gravy to be rude/sarcastic to others and put them down. Makes sense....

Yes, I figured since everyone was being rude to me, I may as well be rude right back, why should I be nice when I asked for respect and didn't get it?

Yes, very very mature. This attitude will take you far. 

squiggle104

southernbelle0915 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

My guess: 

"Your situation is sooooo different. Since you were unable to properly count the number of people in your family, it makes TOTAL sense that you would have booked a venue that wouldn't fit everyone. Since you had zero foresight and planned poorly, OF COURSE standard etiquette doesn't apply to you. 

Definitely show your family/friends who's important by not hosting some people and throwing a party for others. It's ok because it's YOUR super special day and this situation is TOTALLY different than stuff that gets posted here EVERY DAY!"

I never said my situation was different did I? I simply asked for opinions on the situation...I also never said that I have booked a venue that is too small, considering I haven't even booked it yet, I said there was another option for us...I am simply trying to get an opinion on the situation as it is right now before we go and meet with the venue to make our final decisions...But apparently it is too much to ask to get some straight, respectful input...there's always got to be people that have to be rude and say I'm not special and my idea is "Shitty"...Couldn't just say "Yes, ShellC, that would be rude"

ohannabelle

shellc104 said:

I don't believe I ever said I wasn't going to invite any old people to my reception in the first place...My grandmother was one of the examples I was thinking all because she lives in a house for people with dementia and she has a curfew anyway! Hence the fact she wouldn't be able to stay out late if she wanted to! I'm not making the choice for her, the house that she lives in is

You said almost exactly that;

The type of people that would be invited to just the ceremony are the older people in our families; the ones that wouldn't really want to hang around until 10 at night and dance and party anyways...

So, no to this ageist crap. The older people in your families deserve courtesy and respect. It's entirely their choice if they want to accept or decline. Ohmygod, if I had insulted the 70 plus crowd in my family by deciding they didn't want to have dinner or drinks because they're old....

My grandma would have bitch slapped me. She's 98. I would have taken that slap, and deserved it.

How nice of you to decide that old means undeserving of courtesy, and not capable of deciding for themselves.

lyndausvi

shellc104 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

shellc104 said:

@lyndausvi...so are the 70,80 and 90 years old's that went to your wedding the same ones that are coming to mine? Because I'm pretty sure you know no one in my family and know nothing about what they do and don't like to do...

What response were you looking for OP? Serious question.

Did I say I wanted her to respond?

Wait, you mean paging me and asking a question means you didn't want a respond?

Is it opposite day?