Just not into it

[Deleted User]

After dating for about 12 years my loving partner popped the question. I was extremely shocked considering I figured we'd just be that couple who never got married. I was really okay with us not getting married, but not opposed to it either. So here I am with a beautiful engagement ring and I'm just not into planning this wedding. 

Don't get me wrong! I am very excited to be married, but the whole wedding thing is making me feel quite "blah".

My fiancé had his hopes set on a destination wedding but once I started receiving quotes from wedding planners I realized it was an unlikely option for us. The idea of a destination wedding actually excited me, but it just didn't sit right with me to spend a lot of money on only a small portion of our friends and family members to join us on our special day. Not to mention the money our loved ones would have to spend to get there. 

Now we're looking at a wedding and reception at home in Minnesota. We won't get married until next summer due to his law school schedule so we have a lot of time, but I've done an obscene amount of research and it all overwhelms me. I know once we set a few things in motion it'll get better, but at this point there's too many options! 

We're working with a fairly small budget so I initially thought a Sunday brunch reception was a good idea. Venues are usually cheaper and who doesn't love brunch food?!? Alas, my fiancé's mother doesn't love to idea so we're now looking at a Friday evening wedding. (She is giving us money for the wedding so we want to be respectful of her wishes.) As I scour the internet and go through proposals from venues and vendors I just feel defeated. How is this stuff so expensive???

I know we can go on the cheap and do something at a VFW or community center. Those options are great! But they just aren't us. I feel as though if we're going to spend all this money on a single day we might as well do it our way and make sure it's something we like. We've also discussed just going to the courthouse, but I figure that if I'm going to go through with all the traditions that I might as well spend that day and celebrate with our closest friends and family members. Of course I should mention that my extended family is giant and it has been made clear by my parents that all of them will be invited. There's too much to consider for something that I'm not super thrilled about!

Anyone else feel this way? Please tell me it gets better and things become clearer. I hate coming off as an ungrateful brat, but I would much rather spend all that money on remodeling my kitchen...

flantastic

mnyogi said:

After dating for about 12 years my loving partner popped the question. I was extremely shocked considering I figured we'd just be that couple who never got married. I was really okay with us not getting married, but not opposed to it either. So here I am with a beautiful engagement ring and I'm just not into planning this wedding. 

Don't get me wrong! I am very excited to be married, but the whole wedding thing is making me feel quite "blah".

My fiancé had his hopes set on a destination wedding but once I started receiving quotes from wedding planners I realized it was an unlikely option for us. The idea of a destination wedding actually excited me, but it just didn't sit right with me to spend a lot of money on only a small portion of our friends and family members to join us on our special day. Not to mention the money our loved ones would have to spend to get there. 

Now we're looking at a wedding and reception at home in Minnesota. We won't get married until next summer due to his law school schedule so we have a lot of time, but I've done an obscene amount of research and it all overwhelms me. I know once we set a few things in motion it'll get better, but at this point there's too many options! 

We're working with a fairly small budget so I initially thought a Sunday brunch reception was a good idea. Venues are usually cheaper and who doesn't love brunch food?!? Alas, my fiancé's mother doesn't love to idea so we're now looking at a Friday evening wedding. (She is giving us money for the wedding so we want to be respectful of her wishes.) As I scour the internet and go through proposals from venues and vendors I just feel defeated. How is this stuff so expensive???

I know we can go on the cheap and do something at a VFW or community center. Those options are great! But they just aren't us. I feel as though if we're going to spend all this money on a single day we might as well do it our way and make sure it's something we like. We've also discussed just going to the courthouse, but I figure that if I'm going to go through with all the traditions that I might as well spend that day and celebrate with our closest friends and family members. Of course I should mention that my extended family is giant and it has been made clear by my parents that all of them will be invited. There's too much to consider for something that I'm not super thrilled about!

Anyone else feel this way? Please tell me it gets better and things become clearer. I hate coming off as an ungrateful brat, but I would much rather spend all that money on remodeling my kitchen...

I did not give that many fucks about most of wedding planning. I wanted the people we loved there, and that they would have a good time, well-hosted by us.

Whoever is paying has input. If you do not want to be ruled by the opinions of others, do not take their contributions. I think your Sunday brunch wedding sounds lovely - I'd just have your FI tell your FMIL that it's important to you (both) to pay for this yourself. If your parents are not contributing, you do not have to invite all your giant extended family. This is not their call to make, and it's their own fault if they've been issuing verbal invitations they're not authorized to give. If they are, you may turn down their offer of money as well and invite whom you want.

AddieCake

It took me a year of being engaged before I could get into wedding planning. I was busy with work and also overwhelmed at the very idea of planning a wedding. First, you and your fiance need to talk about the kind of wedding you want to have. That will help you focus on what needs to be done.  Since your FMIL is contributing, she does get some say in the event. Your parents, it sounds like, are not contributing, so they do not get to tell you or your family that ALL the people in your huge family will be invited. 

I wanted to elope. My father was crushed by this and insisted on paying for the wedding. I was very lucky that he still wanted the wedding details to be entirely up to us (except for his one request of salmon at the reception), and I am forever grateful for that, especially when I read the drama and stress so many brides have because their parents are making demands. 

My now-husband and I planned a wedding that gave my father what he wanted  and us what we wanted as well, which was the simplicity of a morning ceremony and lunch reception. Simple, classy, and still fun. People came, saw us get married, had lunch with us, and then went about their lives. It sounds like that's the kind of thing you'd like, too. If your fiance would like that as well, he should really talk to his parents and let them know that their vision is not yours and see if you can reach a compromise. 

vulpiepop

I think you should take some time to just enjoy being engaged. 

Like, Addie, we were planning to elope too but my parents offered to pay for our wedding when they heard about our plans. We're really lucky in that respect. My mom almost immediately started asking about venues and dresses and telling us what she'd like to see (and since she was contributing we let her dictate certain parts of the wedding) so I basically started planning right away. It was so sudden and overwhelming and surreal that I just didn't want to do any wedding planning. I finally decided to take a break from it all and just enjoy being with my FI and the fact that we're engaged without any of that wedding stuff or wedding talk. After that, I got excited and started all over in the planning with FI's input and the closer the big day is coming, the more excited I'm getting.

I think your Sunday brunch idea sounds lovely. Whatever contributions your FMIL or your parents give you, it's still your wedding. Maybe your FMIL would be ok with a Sunday lunch instead because it's a little later in the day? Maybe she just really prefers Friday? See if you can compromise and give her something she's happy with but something you're happy with as well.

[Deleted User]

I should have stated that my parents are contributing too so their opinions will be taken into consideration as well. 

Even with their kind contributions, we just feel really gross about spending all that money on one day. We'd love to elope, but my partner is the first child and grandchild to get married in his family so it's a big deal for his side. 

I really appreciate all of your responses! 

melhock8452

At first I was super overwhelmed as well. I knew we would have a huge guest list and was just stressed about trying to find a venue that could hold so many people. Then I tried getting our families to decrease the amount of people we would invite and that just stressed me out more.

We then found this amazing venue that can hold more than what we could ever invite. Since it doesn't have it's own caterer the financial commitment to book our date was only $500. Now we have plenty of time to plan everything else without the time crunch of having to find a venue and we control budget by picking our own caterer and bringing in our own alcohol.

Once you pick and book the venue the stressful time crunch part will be out of the way and you can just take your time planning everything else when you want to. When there's no rush and no worry about having enough space then it becomes more leisurely and fun. At least that has been my experience. Have fun and try to enjoy yourself!

Jen4948

I would be feeling super stressed out too now if I had to plan a big wedding. I recently moved from NYC to Houston where my parents live, and there have been a lot of changes in relationships, for example. So just trying to figure out a guest list would be exhausting. Then I'm not at all sure who I would ask to be in my wedding party, because of the people I know, I'm really not even sure who I feel closest to right now of those who I can be sure would even attend. I had several close friends in NYC who I am certain I would ask if I were still in NYC, but I can't count on them to come to Houston for a wedding. And then I would feel exhausted at having to go around to look at venues, shop for a gown, etc. I don't think I really want to do any of that.

JennyColada

I was never really excited about wedding planning. Even as a girl, weddings never excited me. Marriage excited me. Honeymoons excited me. Weddings, not so much.

In fact, most of our wedding "planning" consisted of us telling our vendors "whatever you think is best."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with simple, easy weddings. You don't need to have a big lavish affair. It's just about sharing the commitment with your friends and family (and hosting them properly of course).

And if all else fails, you can always have a super intimate wedding (like I did!) and tell everyone else to go fuck themselves.

[Deleted User]

In the last few weeks my partner and I would talk about wedding stuff and the conversation would always end with, "You know we can always just go to the courthouse, right?" We always said it jokingly, but last night we decided to stop joking. 

After some very inappropriate comments were made by my FMIL, we decided that we aren't happy with the direction our potential wedding. We always wanted something small, but the "traditional" route was causing us to move in directions we weren't thrilled about. I was becoming more concerned with how to cut corners financially, rather than creating the best day to celebrate our love. 

In June we're going to the courthouse along with only a few friends and family members. Afterwards we'll host 20 or so people for dinner and truly celebrate the way we want to. Then if we really want to throw a big party, we'll do that next year for our anniversary. 

It's like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders! We no longer have to rely on family to give us ridiculous amounts of money that we'll feel guilty about if we don't respect their wishes and plans for the wedding. Above all else, we are both quite pleased to give a big middle finger to the absurd wedding industry!

JennyColada

I'm biased but YAY intimate weddings!

ismilee

omg I feel the same exact way....my bff has been planning and sending me ideas and I'm just like egh...I'm trying to go with the flow but my still can't get into it. My FI's brother is also getting married and want us to do it the same year as him...way too much for me right now