How to replace my maid of honor

slothiegal

Knottie13257900 said:

I think you should just ask her. Don't offer an explanation. Then, IF she asks why you didn't ask her earlier, just explain how you didn't feel like you were that close growing up but now you see it differently etc

So apparently we've gotten to the point where the advice is just straight up lying. Jesus take the wheel.

augsum15

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

flantastic

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

Oh good God.

When you invite other people, particularly guests of honor like the bridal party, it stops being a day all about you. You have to take their feelings into consideration. And since being a guest of honor is not related to how much help in planning someone is, there is no good reason to change the bridal party.

Viczaesar

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

Worst advice ever.

ETA: Was it your soon-to-be SIL that you kicked out?  Good luck with dealing with her for the rest of your life.

AddieCake

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

Friendships and wedding planning. You're doing them wrong.

redoryx

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

Oh please please please tell us how she's being so ridiculous. Trust me, we like long stories like that.

jelly1313

In the end you are the one who knows all these people best. If you feel that your sister will be insulted then don't ask but if you feel she will be happy to be included on such a special day then go for it. Don't forget that we don't personally know these people and are only guessing about how they will feel and act. I know people who would be happy to be asked even if they were second choice. I also know people who might be insulted that I didn't ask them first haha you shouldn't feel pressured to not choose your sister because someone else(someone you have never met off the internet) doesn't like it. In the end it is your wedding and if you want your sister standing beside you then that's all up to you.

rnsoon

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

You're a special fucking person. I love how you throw that fatal accident in there like "Oh I had 2 eggs but one broke so I need to go buy more". instead of finding replacements I would be mourning one of my good friends and leave that "spot" as is so as not to replace the chick that just died. I would leave that "spot" anyway because it's rude to replace someone and it's rude to B-list. I've been B-listed and it felt horrible and embarrassing to be honest.

Regs, am I overreacting? I just got really upset at the way it was typed, so maybe I am.

lovegood90

rnsoon said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

You're a special fucking person. I love how you throw that fatal accident in there like "Oh I had 2 eggs but one broke so I need to go buy more". instead of finding replacements I would be mourning one of my good friends and leave that "spot" as is so as not to replace the chick that just died. I would leave that "spot" anyway because it's rude to replace someone and it's rude to B-list. I've been B-listed and it felt horrible and embarrassing to be honest. Regs, am I overreacting? I just got really upset at the way it was typed, so maybe I am.

Nope. Her attitude is disgusting.

thespeshulestsnowflake

rnsoon said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

You're a special fucking person. I love how you throw that fatal accident in there like "Oh I had 2 eggs but one broke so I need to go buy more". instead of finding replacements I would be mourning one of my good friends and leave that "spot" as is so as not to replace the chick that just died. I would leave that "spot" anyway because it's rude to replace someone and it's rude to B-list. I've been B-listed and it felt horrible and embarrassing to be honest. Regs, am I overreacting? I just got really upset at the way it was typed, so maybe I am.

No overreactions here. 

ohannabelle

.

rnsoon said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

You're a special fucking person. I love how you throw that fatal accident in there like "Oh I had 2 eggs but one broke so I need to go buy more". instead of finding replacements I would be mourning one of my good friends and leave that "spot" as is so as not to replace the chick that just died. I would leave that "spot" anyway because it's rude to replace someone and it's rude to B-list. I've been B-listed and it felt horrible and embarrassing to be honest. Regs, am I overreacting? I just got really upset at the way it was typed, so maybe I am.

Nope. I think that's a fair and honest reaction. Of course the subject upsets you. You were B listed. It's like a slap in the face, and now someone's saying, oh, that doesn't hurt. 

augsum15

I was simply saying situations change. I apologize if you think it's a terrible thing to do, and yes I may have written that poorly, but if she wants to ask her sister now to be part of her wedding party, she should. At the end of the day, it's her prerogative, and no body should be judged this harshly on how they make decisions. 

PrettyGirlLost

augsum15 said:

I was simply saying situations change. I apologize if you think it's a terrible thing to do, and yes I may have written that poorly, but if she wants to ask her sister now to be part of her wedding party, she should. At the end of the day, it's her prerogative, and no body should be judged this harshly on how they make decisions. 

If you are making decisions that potentially will hurt people's feelings and damage relationships over one ffreaking day, then yes, you should be judged accordingly.

rnsoon

ohannabelle said:

.

rnsoon said:

augsum15 said:

I've been in a similar situation recently. It didn't involve my MOH, but I lost 1 BM in a fatal accident, and another BM I had to kick out because she didn't have the balls to back out (she's being completely ridiculous long story, beside the point). I ended up asking my brothers GF to be a BM and it wasn't at all awkward, they didn't start dating until after I originally picked my BM's. I explained to her the situation and told her I would be honored for her to be a bridesmaid now and she's super excited and is very helpful, and before I asked her she always offered assistance if I needed any.

Both your old MOH and your sister should be old enough to realize situations change. You mentioned you're becoming closer with your sister now? And she's being a huge help in the planning process? Then take her for lunch, explain the situation has changed and that had it been now for you to chose, you would definitely be asking her. And if your friend says anything, explain to her how your sister has really been there for you and you decided to add her to your party, in hopes of continuing the relationship. There's no right or wrong way here. Do what feels right for you, it's your day.

You're a special fucking person. I love how you throw that fatal accident in there like "Oh I had 2 eggs but one broke so I need to go buy more". instead of finding replacements I would be mourning one of my good friends and leave that "spot" as is so as not to replace the chick that just died. I would leave that "spot" anyway because it's rude to replace someone and it's rude to B-list. I've been B-listed and it felt horrible and embarrassing to be honest.

Regs, am I overreacting? I just got really upset at the way it was typed, so maybe I am.

Nope. I think that's a fair and honest reaction. Of course the subject upsets you. You were B listed. It's like a slap in the face, and now someone's saying, oh, that doesn't hurt. 


@ohannabelle‌ My reaction was more directed towards the way it seems she shrugged off her good friend dying and needing to fill spots. The B-listing sucks. People are inconsiderate. It's disturbing to read how inconsiderate they are most of the time (been lurking for years). This one takes the cake on disturbances.

Edited for grammar.

augsum15

I didn't shrug off my friend dying, it still devastates me to this day, I never once considered replacing her because she was a very important and huge part of my life. And it wasn't about filling spots. If I just wanted to "fill spots" I would have "filled" all 5. I asked my brothers gf cuz she's an important part of my life now and I wanted her to be a part of the day with me. AGAIN I was simply making the point that situations change for everybody and she can do what she wants. Maybe instead of flipping out at how disgusting I am you should consider there's more to the situation than you know. B-listing is such a disgusting term. And to you who got asked after the fact, maybe consider you were asked to be part of someone's special day instead of being selfish and humiliated, if it was such a terrible thing to be asked than say no. The second friend I had who is no longer a bridesmaid chose to be non-communicative with me about a lot of things beyond me and after 13 years of friendship didn't have the decency to explain that she couldn't afford nor did she have the time to be a part of the wedding party, nor did she want to anymore but wouldn't outright tell me this, I unwillingly had to tell her she wasn't a bridesmaid because she wouldn't gracefully decline on her own terms. At that point, and after a long deliberation did I decide I wanted this new girl to be a part of it, I spoke with her privately and made sure that she was happy to join in, and if at any point I thought she wouldn't be, I would never have asked her. She's extatic and excited to get to do it. Every persons situation is different, so once more, if she feels she's going to hurt someone that's up to her, she's the one making the decision here, and at the end of the day, it's what she wants! Sorry if that's too disturbing for you to wrap your head around.

rnsoon

So this girl that had known me 6 months, had 10 BMs, complained about me in the morning about one being a "bitch" with too much going on in her life that she had to drop out, and in the evening she asked me to be a BM genuinely wanted me in her day? No. This girl just decided to go to the courthouse and had a potluck reception after. No class.

You don't do that to friends. You don't B-list. Maybe there are situations like yours that could work, but generally that's not the case.

Also, no matter how you string it, one dropped out and you found a replacement. Congrats! You're a B-lister, no matter how "well" it worked out!

short+sassy

Perhaps I missed it, but I didn't see where the OP responded as to why she feels she has to specifically have a MOH.

So, I'm guessing?  Are you wanting to designate someone ahead of time to do the ceremonial tasks that are typically done by the MOH..ie stand next to you, hold your bouquet, sign the marriage cert. as a witness...so that there is no confusion on the day?

IDK.  That is all I could come up with.  If so, there is no need to say anything ahead of time and cause potential hurt feelings, just organize it so your sister is the one standing next to you. 

Anyone present over the age of 18 can sign the marriage cert.  Typically, the officiant will take care of acquiring the witness signatures and usually asks the parents or people in the bridal party.  And thank goodness!  I didn't think anything about it on my wedding day.  It wasn't until I got a copy of the cert. days later that I noticed my sister (MOH) and the best man had signed as witnesses, lol.  The lightbulb went off and I thought, "Oh!  Oh yeah.  Witnesses.  Thank you (my pastor) for taking care of that important detail because it completely flew by me."

Bubblegum5586

unpopular opinion here:

I was a B-listed BM once... and I wasn't mad at all. Super happy to be part of the day. (some background.. it was my first time being a BM so that was exciting, it was my then BF (now H)'s brothers wedding. I was still new to the family so it was fun to be a part of everything vs sitting by myself for most of it)

ETA:

OMG I have been a B-listed BM TWICE!!! I just remembered my best friend asking me a few months after she asked the other girls. She only wanted family in the wedding (sisters and cousins). I still planned on helping every way I could because I love her. Well after we went dress shopping she sent a edible arrangement bouquet with a very sweet and loving note apologize profusely for not asking me right away.

So in black and white... yes it is very rude! But when you add in the gray areas sometimes the person can overlook it.

Only you know if you sister will have similar feelings as most of the knotties here... or like me.. depends on the situation...

flantastic

bubblegum1309 said:

unpopular opinion here:

I was a B-listed BM once... and I wasn't mad at all. Super happy to be part of the day. (some background.. it was my first time being a BM so that was exciting, it was my then BF (now H)'s brothers wedding. I was still new to the family so it was fun to be a part of everything vs sitting by myself for most of it)

ETA:

OMG I have been a B-listed BM TWICE!!! I just remembered my best friend asking me a few months after she asked the other girls. She only wanted family in the wedding (sisters and cousins). I still planned on helping every way I could because I love her. Well after we went dress shopping she sent a edible arrangement bouquet with a very sweet and loving note apologize profusely for not asking me right away.

So in black and white... yes it is very rude! But when you add in the gray areas sometimes the person can overlook it.

Only you know if you sister will have similar feelings as most of the knotties here... or like me.. depends on the situation...

I think it's clear that her sister's feelings on the matter are a variable. THAT part could work out. I just don't want her to do it because a) there's no good reason to do so. None at all. So why? And b) it's not just the sister's feelings which might be hurt. There's a good chance it'll hurt the former MOH to be replaced.

Bubblegum5586

flantastic said:

bubblegum1309 said:

unpopular opinion here:

I was a B-listed BM once... and I wasn't mad at all. Super happy to be part of the day. (some background.. it was my first time being a BM so that was exciting, it was my then BF (now H)'s brothers wedding. I was still new to the family so it was fun to be a part of everything vs sitting by myself for most of it)

ETA:

OMG I have been a B-listed BM TWICE!!! I just remembered my best friend asking me a few months after she asked the other girls. She only wanted family in the wedding (sisters and cousins). I still planned on helping every way I could because I love her. Well after we went dress shopping she sent a edible arrangement bouquet with a very sweet and loving note apologize profusely for not asking me right away.

So in black and white... yes it is very rude! But when you add in the gray areas sometimes the person can overlook it.

Only you know if you sister will have similar feelings as most of the knotties here... or like me.. depends on the situation...

I think it's clear that her sister's feelings on the matter are a variable. THAT part could work out. I just don't want her to do it because a) there's no good reason to do so. None at all. So why? And b) it's not just the sister's feelings which might be hurt. There's a good chance it'll hurt the former MOH to be replaced.

It's hard for me to related because I have always been close with my sister (who like the OP has an 8 year age difference). The thought of not having my sister a part of the day would give me a lot of regret. So to me that would be my good reason... any regret on either side?