Guest Invited Guest

Maggie0829

mealee said:

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 

What?  Why is this even a question?  

Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?

There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.

Sweetie I am not the one making things more complicated.

WhatawagSBNy

Correct, guests of guests do not have to be invited to prewedding parties, and actually should not be if you do not also know them very well. The other parties suggest giving a gift or investing money, and neither is appropriate for a guest of a guest whom you would not have invited otherwise.

huskypuppy14

No you do not have to invite the plus one to pre wedding parties.

lyndausvi

I think you are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

A guest of a guest is just that.  A guest of a guest.   They do not have to be invited to any pre-party parties.  

Since you do see her I would be polite and say something like "Oh I heard you are Jane's date for the wedding.  Can't wait to see you there".  No need to get into details of why someone was or was not invited.  

SP29

Friend was rude to ask, but FI OK'ed it, so she'll be there. You really won't engage with her all that much if you don't want to. A hello and thank you for coming. Maybe bump into her in the bathroom or on the dance floor. Be polite like you would any other time. 

No you are not required to invite her to any pre-wedding parties.

As for future conversations, talk to her as you normally would, even if it's a polite hello. If she brings up the wedding you can say something like, "Yes, we're very excited for the day too!". Do not explain why she was or was not invited. 

plainjane0415

SP29 said:

Friend was rude to ask, but FI OK'ed it, so she'll be there. You really won't engage with her all that much if you don't want to. A hello and thank you for coming. Maybe bump into her in the bathroom or on the dance floor. Be polite like you would any other time. 

No you are not required to invite her to any pre-wedding parties.

As for future conversations, talk to her as you normally would, even if it's a polite hello. If she brings up the wedding you can say something like, "Yes, we're very excited for the day too!". Do not explain why she was or was not invited. 

THIS.

plainjane0415

mealee said:

plainjane0415 said:

She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

Everyone was invited by name. There are no guests/plus one. Even if we knew the SO only because we were friends with their SO first we are friends now. There aren't any unknown guests attending and that is why they are all invited to all pre-wedding activities. I can see how that might sound crazy but it really is a small wedding. 

Ok, but even still she's still a guest of a guest, so she wouldn't have to be invited to any pre wedding parties.

futuremrshp

I get where OP is coming from.  Since the guest was kind of wormed into the wedding, will there be any fall-out for her not being invited to the pre-wedding stuff?  You'd hope that people who didn't even make the cut for the wedding wouldn't presume that they'd be invited to other stuff, but hey... I'm not sure who used that swinging fence analogy but that was spot on.  but no--- she's a guest and thus, not invited.  Too bad.

Just ignore it all.  Your FI made a misstep but it didn't kill anyone -- just a lesson learned on making sure you're both on the same page (as my friend said, make sure your communication strategy talking points good to go).  Just enjoy your day and move on! 

plainjane0415

futuremrshp said:

I get where OP is coming from.  Since the guest was kind of wormed into the wedding, will there be any fall-out for her not being invited to the pre-wedding stuff?  You'd hope that people who didn't even make the cut for the wedding wouldn't presume that they'd be invited to other stuff, but hey... I'm not sure who used that swinging fence analogy but that was spot on.  but no--- she's a guest and thus, not invited.  Too bad.

Just ignore it all.  Your FI made a misstep but it didn't kill anyone -- just a lesson learned on making sure you're both on the same page (as my friend said, make sure your communication strategy talking points good to go).  Just enjoy your day and move on! 

I now get where she's coming from as well, but at the end of the day, this lady is just a guest of a guest, and she doesn't have to be invited to any pre wedding events.

WhatawagSBNy

Getting an agreed on strategy for dealing with other people's questionable behavior is good practice before having kids. Or before answering the phone when both families want all of your holidays, and you want some time for yourself.
Or simply with neither of them.

short+sassy

WhatawagSBNy said:

You are squarely in, I can't do anything about it so I might as well be gracious about it land.tt If you meet you can smile and say, I hear you are coming to our wedding with friend. How nice, I still have lots to do... and exit. If you nicely but subtly keep it on the basis she is a guest of your guest, not directly one of yours, and let any shower holder know that you basically don't know her, she will not wiggle herself into other wedding things. Annoying, but there have always been town busybodies who like to insert themselves into other people's affairs, and most people are taken by surprise and say, uh, sure. Just like your friend and your honey. PITA, but you won't get caught twice. Fill in FI, shower and Bach holders. She will probably get you a weird small gift, or a nice gift that is inappropriately large that only a close friend would give so you feel like she is buying your friendship. Somehow such people do not see themselves as we see them. They do not understand boundaries. They think a fence rail is there to give them something to hold on to when they swing themselves over your property lines.

1,000 Love Its for this quote.

AguaEau

WhatawagSBNy said:

You are squarely in, I can't do anything about it so I might as well be gracious about it land.tt If you meet you can smile and say, I hear you are coming to our wedding with friend. How nice, I still have lots to do... and exit. If you nicely but subtly keep it on the basis she is a guest of your guest, not directly one of yours, and let any shower holder know that you basically don't know her, she will not wiggle herself into other wedding things. Annoying, but there have always been town busybodies who like to insert themselves into other people's affairs, and most people are taken by surprise and say, uh, sure. Just like your friend and your honey. PITA, but you won't get caught twice. Fill in FI, shower and Bach holders. She will probably get you a weird small gift, or a nice gift that is inappropriately large that only a close friend would give so you feel like she is buying your friendship. Somehow such people do not see themselves as we see them. They do not understand boundaries. They think a fence rail is there to give them something to hold on to when they swing themselves over your property lines.

I don't see where you are getting that this guest-of-a-guest is a busybody or doing anything inappropriate.

I've been people's "plus one" to weddings plenty of times and I just assumed that they were willingly given a plus one.  I would have no idea if they were actually invited with another guest and tried to sub me in, or if they rudely asked for a plus one, or what.  It's not like I examine the invitation.  It's more like "Hey, do you want to be my plus one for Bob and Sue's wedding next month?" "Sure, sounds like fun."

WhatawagSBNy

The OP said that the person she did invite did not say, I would like to bring a friend.

The invited person said, this uninvited person told me she was not invited but really wanted to come, and asked if she could come with me. (This guest did not have a plus one to bring anyone.)

In other words, she heard the wedding being discussed (See OP additional post). And she went to someone she knew was invited. And she asked the invited guest to bring her.

She put the invited guest in a spot in front of others. Not nice to ask to come when she knew she had not been invited, not nice to put another guest on the spot. So FI was gracious and said okay.

Maggie0829

WhatawagSBNy said:

The OP said that the person she did invite did not say, I would like to bring a friend. The invited person said, this uninvited person told me she was not invited but really wanted to come, and asked if she could come with me. (This guest did not have a plus one to bring anyone.) In other words, she heard the wedding being discussed (See OP additional post). And she went to someone she knew was invited. And she asked the invited guest to bring her. She put the invited guest in a spot in front of others. Not nice to ask to come when she knew she had not been invited, not nice to put another guest on the spot. So FI was gracious and said okay.

All of this does not matter.  OPs FI said yes to the guest bringing a guest.  It doesn't matter if the guest of the guest was rude or not.  It does not change the fact that OP needs to just accept the plus one and move on, which it sounds like she has.

AddieCake

Do not invite her to the other parties. Do not feel guilty or stressed about not doing so. Come to terms with your fiancé having fucked up. Have a margarita.

Dreamergirl8812

HeatherKat said:

Is this church "friend" named Jashley by any chance?

Knottie69801365

I come from a place of old school where etiquette is deep rooted. Where I am from, it is horribly rude to invite someone to a wedding and not assume that they will want to bring a plus 1.  A guest being single is no excuse to not let them bring someone if wanted. I realize this tradition is changing but I personally think its tacky and cheap to not allow someone to bring a plus 1. You want your guest to be completely comfortable.  That means not forcing them to choose between not coming to the wedding or coming to the wedding and possibly ending up awkward and alone.  

onefootinthebayou

I just had a friend who was not invited with a plus one (she is single) ask to bring a girlfriend of hers.  I was taken aback and I tend to make exceptions for her (she was widowed very young by a tragedy and will be traveling by plane to the wedding) so I said yes so she will have a travel companion and some built-in support.  I, too though, wish I could have used that spot for someone I would have liked to have invited but couldn't.  At some point, even though you try to follow firm invite guidelines and etiquette, there will be a breach or an exception and you just have to roll with it.  As PPs have pointed out, if this is the worst thing that happens, you're in good shape.  Good luck!

Knottie31111480

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

LondonLisa said:

PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

Oh the fuck well.  Get over it.  

But what LondonLisa was really meaning is that this is not a huge fucking deal to have to come to terms with.  Does one have to come to terms with their BFF of 20 years deciding that they no longer want to be friends with them?  Yes.  Does one have to come to terms with the fact that their Father is an alcoholic and would be better off not in their life?  Yes.  But does one have to come to terms that a guest has asked to bring a plus one and their FI said sure? No.  Lets put things in perspective okay?

Good god some of you are nasty. It was an innocent question on the part of @mealee, and her maybe inappropriate use of "come to terms with" aside, I'm sure a lot of you would be just as irritated if you were in the same position as her and it was your fiance who made the mistake. Learn some manners ladies-- I feel sorry for your future spouses. 

lovegood90

Knottie31111480 said:

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

LondonLisa said:

PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

Oh the fuck well.  Get over it.  

But what LondonLisa was really meaning is that this is not a huge fucking deal to have to come to terms with.  Does one have to come to terms with their BFF of 20 years deciding that they no longer want to be friends with them?  Yes.  Does one have to come to terms with the fact that their Father is an alcoholic and would be better off not in their life?  Yes.  But does one have to come to terms that a guest has asked to bring a plus one and their FI said sure? No.  Lets put things in perspective okay?

Good god some of you are nasty. It was an innocent question on the part of @mealee, and her maybe inappropriate use of "come to terms with" aside, I'm sure a lot of you would be just as irritated if you were in the same position as her and it was your fiance who made the mistake. Learn some manners ladies-- I feel sorry for your future spouses. 

Been a while since we heard this ol' gem! My Monday is now restored.

Maggie0829

Knottie31111480 said:

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

LondonLisa said:

PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

Oh the fuck well.  Get over it.  

But what LondonLisa was really meaning is that this is not a huge fucking deal to have to come to terms with.  Does one have to come to terms with their BFF of 20 years deciding that they no longer want to be friends with them?  Yes.  Does one have to come to terms with the fact that their Father is an alcoholic and would be better off not in their life?  Yes.  But does one have to come to terms that a guest has asked to bring a plus one and their FI said sure? No.  Lets put things in perspective okay?

Good god some of you are nasty. It was an innocent question on the part of @mealee, and her maybe inappropriate use of "come to terms with" aside, I'm sure a lot of you would be just as irritated if you were in the same position as her and it was your fiance who made the mistake. Learn some manners ladies-- I feel sorry for your future spouses. 

Actually no I would not be just as irritated.  I would realize that what is done is done and then talk to my FI not to make that kind of promise again without first talking to me about it (and vice versa). Then I would get on with my life because there are more important things to worry about.

gabiriot

I recently had a few friends also ask the same question.. I politely had to explain that unfortunately it wasn't in our budget to invite all of our friends with plus 1's. (we didn't even send invites out yet!) We have 200+ family members alone and have to cut some of our friends and co workers (who we do actually know and like) from our list because we simply can't afford to have 300 people at our wedding! My friends (hopefully) understood..

My fiancé's friend was also seeing a girl, we don't know whether they are together or just seeing each other...we tried to ask him if they were a couple so we knew what to do as far as invitations, his response was "I would appreciate a plus 1". NOW some of you may disagree, but we are not inviting him with a plus 1. If you can't answer appropriately then I can't make exceptions. My fiancé left it to me to tell him this...he has learned not to answer questions without first consulting me...he usually says "I'll have to ask my fiancé", which gets him off the hook and buys him time to consult with me and helps him continue to look like the nice guy...

 

Good luck with your situation. I agree with SP29, I think you just have to move on and if she mentions anything to you, I would just say how excited you are and keep it moving. It's not necessary to invite her to more intimate things with your friends like the shower..I mean half of the guests I actually invited to my wedding aren't invited to the shower and other events!

 

Good luck and congrats!

plainjane0415

Knottie31111480 said:

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

LondonLisa said:

PS: This really isn't something that you should need to "come to terms with". I guarantee you will not even notice her on the day. If this is the worst thing to happen on your wedding, you are a very lucky person.

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

Oh the fuck well.  Get over it.  

But what LondonLisa was really meaning is that this is not a huge fucking deal to have to come to terms with.  Does one have to come to terms with their BFF of 20 years deciding that they no longer want to be friends with them?  Yes.  Does one have to come to terms with the fact that their Father is an alcoholic and would be better off not in their life?  Yes.  But does one have to come to terms that a guest has asked to bring a plus one and their FI said sure? No.  Lets put things in perspective okay?

Good god some of you are nasty. It was an innocent question on the part of @mealee, and her maybe inappropriate use of "come to terms with" aside, I'm sure a lot of you would be just as irritated if you were in the same position as her and it was your fiance who made the mistake. Learn some manners ladies-- I feel sorry for your future spouses. 

Irritated? Yes.  Coming to terms with, and all other dramatics that went down prior in this post? No. 

jcoons23

mealee said:

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

I understand that. I have some nice coworkers and ex-coworkers that I never see anymore or only see at work. Some I simply don't feel like it, but a few I definately did not want there, nice or not. It's my day and I'm just not that close to them, that I want them all over my business & personal day. And you should get the same preference, to not invite whoever you don't want there.

flantastic

jcoons23 said:

It is something I have had to come to terms with because I didn't invite her to our wedding. By not inviting her that means I didn't want her there. It wasn't because I didn't have room/budget for her I just honestly did not want her at our wedding and now she is coming.

I understand that. I have some nice coworkers and ex-coworkers that I never see anymore or only see at work. Some I simply don't feel like it, but a few I definately did not want there, nice or not. It's my day and I'm just not that close to them, that I want them all over my business & personal day. And you should get the same preference, to not invite whoever you don't want there.

We understand why she's upset. But it's done now- it'd be terribly rude not to invite the girl. So getting over it and making sure that she and her FI are on the same page in the future is the healthiest course of action.

artbyallie

gabiriot said:

My fiancé's friend was also seeing a girl, we don't know whether they are together or just seeing each other...we tried to ask him if they were a couple so we knew what to do as far as invitations, his response was "I would appreciate a plus 1". NOW some of you may disagree, but we are not inviting him with a plus 1. If you can't answer appropriately then I can't make exceptions. My fiancé left it to me to tell him this...he has learned not to answer questions without first consulting me...he usually says "I'll have to ask my fiancé", which gets him off the hook and buys him time to consult with me and helps him continue to look like the nice guy...

See, I would take this to mean they are a couple and he was just too polite to say, "Of course you should fucking invite us together."

Knottie65128834

A relative of mine set some serious attendance rules for her wedding day, and luckily things went well. But I'm worried about this exact same thing for my upcoming wedding, what I'm trying to do is although there will be attendance rules, and a stipulated number catered for - I'm trying to over estimate by 2 - 5 ppl or so (small wedding - small average for excess ppl) - just for those ridiculous friends that choose not to listen/adhere to the fact that it's their name alone on the invite; so you don't blow a fuse on the day when your energies should be focused elsewhere on better things. 

The flip side to that is - who craves to go to a wedding so much that they have to make mention of it to the point that you score a btw invite??? WHO DOES THAT??? Lol... Smh... It's not a fete (yeah I'm Caribbean) or a club. No Invite - Stay Home - Avoid Weirdness... 

And of course it goes with out saying that to avoid all of this your friend who actually got invited should have spoken to both you and your fiance... or he should have just verified that You would be comfortable with the situation before answering her. 

With all that said, at this point, unless your friend pulls some next crazy - surprise card out of her arsenal, I'd say don't hurt your head over it.

vkorszen

Well extra guests do cost money... If I could invite everyone who asked, I would invite anyone to my wedding. The more the merrier.  But we had to decide which people meant the most for us to invite, since each person adds another mouth to feed, which would cost us over $150 after taxes and gratuity.  So I understand the OP's concern with her fiance saying yes without consulting her.  The friend "S" should have talked to you or both of you together but some people are like that.  A budget is a budget, so adding one or two extra people can be a big deal.  That being said, of course now she is coming, but you absolutely do not have to invite her to other things to avoid the awkward situation.  If she wanted to be your friend she would have asked you herself if she could come without going through S.

Jdl541989

I completely understand where you are coming from. It has been happening with my wedding also. And TBH you actually can do something about it, but it can cost you another guest if you do it.

How I fixed it, I told them straight up, I have a limit on how many people I can invite and I have already prepaid for everyone, if you want to invite a "friend" that isn't on my guest list, then you will need to pay for them yourself. At that point they understood.

It happens, I wouldn't let it bother you though.  Good luck, just remember it's your day and your FI, don't let them get to you. It will bring on stress that you wont like.

Jdl541989

plainjane0415 said:

mealee said:

Maggie0829 said:

mealee said:

There really isn't any drama. I'm annoyed by it but it is whatever. I was explaining the situation but also just wondering what to do now. Invite her to other wedding things(parties)? Do I got out of my way to make her feel like a welcome addition to the guest list?(like have a normal conversation) Do I need to explain why she wasn't invited? It just feels really awkward now. Normally, I think, you wouldn't need to think about these things with "guests" but I spend 10+ hours a week with this girl. It is almost like an elephant in the room.

For the record because people keeping bringing this up. No ones invitation had "guest" or "plus 1". Everyone was invited by name. We won't have any "random" guests at the wedding. We know each and every person we invited. It is a very small wedding. We do "know" this person. She just isn't a friend. 

What?  Why is this even a question?  

Why are you making all of this so damn complicated?

There really isn't anything that complicated other than how you are making it out to be. 

Yes, every female that was invited to my wedding is coming/came(or at least invited) to things(bachelorette, bridal shower etc). It is a very small wedding. It was possible to do this and not have it be a big affair. She will now be the ONLY one not invited...because she was invited in the first place.

She is a guest of a friend that you invited.  So now I will ask, are you inviting every guest and plus ones to your pre wedding parties?  My opinion is because she is a guest of an invited guest, she doesn't have to be invited to any pre- wedding activities.  I could be wrong though, if I am, someone please correct me.

SHE DOES NOT NEED TO BE INVITED TO ANYTHING. SHE ISN'T YOUR GUEST. LOOK AT IT THAT AWAY. IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT, THEN SHE CAN JUST UNINVITE HERELF FROM THE WEDDING.

GOOD LUCK :-)