Wedding Party

Two-Faced Bridesmaid

My friend chose two bridesmaids (myself, and another girl) and decided not to have a Matron of Honor, but instead to split the duties between us.  This means we have to work together on things and sometimes there is not a final decision maker so to speak.  She has a strong personality, so most of the time I am willing to back down.  I'd rather not have drama and stress out the bride and family...especially on things that don't really matter.  I have been trying to just keep peace and not push any issues, however, I am extraordinarily disappointed and tired of the way she talks about people.  She talks bad about the groom, groom's parents/family, bride's parents (sooo mean about them), and on occasion the bride.  I don't think she would say these things to their faces.  I have tried to diffuse these rude remarks without causing drama.  I either gently stand up for the people or I change the subject, but I feel horrible.  I want to tell her how inappropriate it is to talk about people like that.  I feel like she can't be trusted and it worries me because she is planning one of the parties.  I'm afraid she will make the bride feel awkward or do something she doesn't want to do (or talk bad about her when she doesn't do it).  It also concerns me because she is part of the groom's family (married in) and I'm sad that the bride might have to deal with this for the rest of her life.  I would usually get advice from one of my friends on this but she is heavily involved in the wedding, and like I said I don't want to start drama.  What do I do?

Re: Two-Faced Bridesmaid

  • My friend chose two bridesmaids (myself, and another girl) and decided not to have a Matron of Honor, but instead to split the duties between us.  This means we have to work together on things and sometimes there is not a final decision maker so to speak.  She has a strong personality, so most of the time I am willing to back down.  I'd rather not have drama and stress out the bride and family...especially on things that don't really matter.  I have been trying to just keep peace and not push any issues, however, I am extraordinarily disappointed and tired of the way she talks about people.  She talks bad about the groom, groom's parents/family, bride's parents (sooo mean about them), and on occasion the bride.  I don't think she would say these things to their faces.  I have tried to diffuse these rude remarks without causing drama.  I either gently stand up for the people or I change the subject, but I feel horrible.  I want to tell her how inappropriate it is to talk about people like that.  I feel like she can't be trusted and it worries me because she is planning one of the parties.  I'm afraid she will make the bride feel awkward or do something she doesn't want to do (or talk bad about her when she doesn't do it).  It also concerns me because she is part of the groom's family (married in) and I'm sad that the bride might have to deal with this for the rest of her life.  I would usually get advice from one of my friends on this but she is heavily involved in the wedding, and like I said I don't want to start drama.  What do I do?

    There are no 'duties', so whatever you're planning and helping out with is a choice you've made.

    It sounds like you are trying to plan per-wedding parties for the bride. What if you just split them up? You plan the shower, she plans the bachelorette? That's how I'd work this so that I could spend as little time as possible with this shit-talking person.

    It's not your place to tell her how to act. She's an adult and any convo you have about this will probably fall on deaf ears and prompt her to talk junk about you too. She's not going to change.
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    My friend chose two bridesmaids (myself, and another girl) and decided not to have a Matron of Honor, but instead to split the duties between us.  This means we have to work together on things and sometimes there is not a final decision maker so to speak.  She has a strong personality, so most of the time I am willing to back down.  I'd rather not have drama and stress out the bride and family...especially on things that don't really matter.  I have been trying to just keep peace and not push any issues, however, I am extraordinarily disappointed and tired of the way she talks about people.  She talks bad about the groom, groom's parents/family, bride's parents (sooo mean about them), and on occasion the bride.  I don't think she would say these things to their faces.  I have tried to diffuse these rude remarks without causing drama.  I either gently stand up for the people or I change the subject, but I feel horrible.  I want to tell her how inappropriate it is to talk about people like that.  I feel like she can't be trusted and it worries me because she is planning one of the parties.  I'm afraid she will make the bride feel awkward or do something she doesn't want to do (or talk bad about her when she doesn't do it).  It also concerns me because she is part of the groom's family (married in) and I'm sad that the bride might have to deal with this for the rest of her life.  I would usually get advice from one of my friends on this but she is heavily involved in the wedding, and like I said I don't want to start drama.  What do I do?

    First bolded:  I'm not sure what duties you are referring to.  Bridesmaids don't have duties other than showing up on the day of the wedding in said dress.

    Second Bolded:  You need to speak up and tell her that it's making your uncomfortable the way that she talks about the families of the people getting married.  It's extremely rude of her to do that, and if you speak up and she doesn't stop, you need to distance yourself from her.

    Third Bolded:  Again, if she is planning something that you think the bride would be uncomfortable with, you need to speak up as a friend, and tell her your opinion, and that you don't think it' a good idea.  You're allowed to have an opinion.

    As far as not starting any drama, having an opinion, and standing up for what's wrong, is not starting drama.

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  • I'm sorry I should have made it more clear.  The bride took the typical MOH role and split it between us, so there are basically two MOH's.  Yes it was our choice to help in whatever ways we are helping, but obviously I want to be there for my friend on her wedding day.  It says a lot to me that out of all the people she could have chosen to fill only two spots I was one of them. 

    I do want to stand up for my friend...I just want to be sure to do it in a loving way, that doesn't end up hurting her in the long run (especially because the other MOH is in her future family).
  • There's nothing rude about speaking up. Like the previous posters have suggested, just say it as politely as possible: I'm sorry, and I really don't want to upset you, but I feel really uncomfortable and disloyal hearing things like that.
    Note that this statement isn't about her- You need to stop- but about you- I feel.

    Confrontation is really hard for a lot of people. Practice a few responses until they come easily. I know that sounds silly, but it really is much easier to say things when you're not awkwardly searching for the right words. 
  • Actually the bridesmaids had the bride split duties because the other maid was pushing the subject of who the MOH was and making the bride stress on it.  Assigning duties was the only way to keep the other girl off the bride's back and honestly it helped me too because then I knew what I could walk away from or stick to my guns on when the other maid was being a pain.

    Flantastic is right, it isn't hard to say something like "The way you're speaking about these people is making me uncomfortable, and I'll have to leave now if you continue."  I just wanted to be sure that it was appropriate for me to say something like that.  I'm usually pretty laid back but I know I can become a jerk if someone is talking junk about people. 

    Thanks for all the suggestions.  I know that it can suck to read posts about wedding drama, so I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me out.  It confirmed what I thought I should be doing and mostly settled me down (seriously stuff like that riles me quick).

    Thanks :)
  • Actually the bridesmaids had the bride split duties because the other maid was pushing the subject of who the MOH was and making the bride stress on it.  Assigning duties was the only way to keep the other girl off the bride's back and honestly it helped me too because then I knew what I could walk away from or stick to my guns on when the other maid was being a pain.

    Flantastic is right, it isn't hard to say something like "The way you're speaking about these people is making me uncomfortable, and I'll have to leave now if you continue."  I just wanted to be sure that it was appropriate for me to say something like that.  I'm usually pretty laid back but I know I can become a jerk if someone is talking junk about people. 

    Thanks for all the suggestions.  I know that it can suck to read posts about wedding drama, so I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me out.  It confirmed what I thought I should be doing and mostly settled me down (seriously stuff like that riles me quick).

    Thanks :)
    I had a similar situation with a friend.  One of the bridesmaids kept putting down and being very ugly about the bride (my best friend) and I just wasn't going to have it.  I told her in a polite way that I didn't feel comfortable hearing things like this about my best friend, and asked her to please stop.  She did, and everything was fine.  As PP have said confrontation isn't easy, but neither is hearing stuff like that about your friend.
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  • Not sure if things are in a place where you can say to the other BM that when she talks like that about the groom and his family & especially the bride, you feel ackward because you like them all. And if it continues and depending on what she says, at some point, if even after the wedding, I would pull your friend aside and just tell her that when talking to her SIL if she wants something to stay private, she may not want to share it with her SIL. You don't have to go into details, but I think she deserves to know that things she tells SIL in trust, may not end up staying private.
  • Actually the bridesmaids had the bride split duties because the other maid was pushing the subject of who the MOH was and making the bride stress on it.  Assigning duties was the only way to keep the other girl off the bride's back and honestly it helped me too because then I knew what I could walk away from or stick to my guns on when the other maid was being a pain.

    Flantastic is right, it isn't hard to say something like "The way you're speaking about these people is making me uncomfortable, and I'll have to leave now if you continue."  I just wanted to be sure that it was appropriate for me to say something like that.  I'm usually pretty laid back but I know I can become a jerk if someone is talking junk about people. 

    Thanks for all the suggestions.  I know that it can suck to read posts about wedding drama, so I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me out.  It confirmed what I thought I should be doing and mostly settled me down (seriously stuff like that riles me quick).

    Thanks :)
    Are you kidding? The best posts are about wedding drama, and the more drama the better. Drama is great entertainment. 
    (Why I love The Knot. Rarely a dull moment. Great drama, all the time.)
    Please let us know how this goes! I love hearing the end of the stories. 
    Exactly!  That's why I'm here.  Conversations with my friends regularly start, "So, I'm on The Knot because I love reading about Wedding Nightmare Stories.  And this one girl said..."
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