BM "can't get work off" for wedding

Myers2015

I need some advice. My BM has been my friend since 6th grade. She's been seeing this guy for a couple years and takes off time from work to go see him in another state. When I asked her she said she would have been there whether in the crowd or by my side. We've had a long distance friendship since high and haven't been as close. But in high school and throughout college I considered her my person. I get it, we aren't as close as we used to be but why can't we order the dress just in case.. Or something. I'm normally passive and would say I understand but this my only wedding and I asked her to be there. I want her to know how hurt I am and I want her to know that real friends don't do this. My fiance doesn't want to even invite her to the wedding. I'm almost in the same boat. Her mom is like my mom..

MollyandD

Ouch, you told her you'd rather have 4 bridesmaids. I'd be really hurt if a friend told me this, and I'd back out immediately too. You should apologize to her.

I think you're really overreacting. She was really nice about all of it. She can't control whether her boss says ok to time off or not. I also don't get what her out of state boyfriend has to do with it. So she visits him when she can. Big deal. She visits when she can get the time off, and if she can't get time off, then she probably doesn't visit him. It has nothing to do with your wedding. 

AddieCake

So your plan is to end the friendship over this, not even invite her, and rub it in by inviting her mom but not her? Really?

Myers2015

She had the same internship last year. Time off has never been a problem for her in the past and there are other options like her cowokers helping out on a project but never mentions that. I feel like im being lied to. What about it being the biggest day of my life and her not really prioritizing it. Before she said she'd do anything to make my wedding. What type of best friend does this?

Myers2015

Not inviting her at all is dramatic. I'll admit it but I'm just so mad.

huskypuppy14

You don't sound like a very nice friend. She's trying to get the time off, but if she can't it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be there.

And you're not going to invite her now. Wow.

MollyandD

Myers2015 said:

She had the same internship last year. Time off has never been a problem for her in the past and there are other options like her cowokers helping out on a project but never mentions that. I feel like im being lied to. What about it being the biggest day of my life and her not really prioritizing it. Before she said she'd do anything to make my wedding. What type of best friend does this?

It's the biggest day of YOUR life. She doesn't have to prioritize it like that. Anyway, it's her internship to handle as she chooses. She may not want to ask someone to cover for her this time, and the reason is her business only. 

ETA: Two of my three brothers and one cousin I grew up with could not make it to my wedding. They had responsibilities that did not allow them to be away for my wedding. One brother works on a farm, and my wedding was during a busy time of year for him. The other brother is in a PhD program and had to spend the summer learning German. My cousin is working on getting a degree and part of how he pays for school is by being an assistant coach. My wedding fell during a football camp, or something like that. Your wedding is not the biggest event in the lives if those around you. When I picked my wedding date, I believed each if these family members could be there, but things came up and that's just how it is. 

zitiqueen

Myers2015 said:

I need some advice. My BM has been my friend since 6th grade. She's been seeing this guy for a couple years and takes off time from work to go see him in another state. When I asked her she said she would have been there whether in the crowd or by my side. We've had a long distance friendship since high and haven't been as close. But in high school and throughout college I considered her my person. I get it, we aren't as close as we used to be but why can't we order the dress just in case.. Or something. I'm normally passive and would say I understand but this my only wedding and I asked her to be there. I want her to know how hurt I am and I want her to know that real friends don't do this. My fiance doesn't want to even invite her to the wedding. I'm almost in the same boat. Her mom is like my mom.. My resolution as of now is to not reply and only send an invite addressed to her mom. She's missing out on a wonderful day by her lack of commitment. Right? Or am I doing this wrong?!

Yes, you're doing it wrong.

MairePoppy

You pressured your friend for an answer asap and even told her you'd prefer 4 bms. What do you think she took away from this chat? She may be able to get time off a month or two in advance of your wedding, but you wanted an answer yesterday. That's what happens when you push people.

When you have cooled off, CALL your friend, do not text, tell her you're sorry and you'd like her to be a bm. Let the 4 bms order now and offer to pay the rush fee for your friend if she orders later. Or, you could find a shop that doesn't take so long to get dresses delivered.

I can pretty much promise you, if you invite your friend's mother and not your friend, you're going to lose both of them. 

levioosa

Wow.  I don't even know what to say to all of that.  You told her you'd just "go to 4 BMs" like she didn't even matter to you.  What was she supposed to take away from that?  You're way overreacting, and being a really terrible friend in the process.  You don't live near her, so you literally have no idea what her job or internships require.  I had a job once where I was never sure if I had Christmas or New Year's off.  Two years in a row I was miraculously able to get it off.  The third, they told me they weren't making any exceptions and I would have to work.  But according to your view, I would be the shitty person. 

I can't believe you are upset that someone might not sacrifice their career for your one day.  Does it suck that she might not make it? Yeah, so take a day to be upset and then move on.  If you're going to end a friendship over something so petty, then she's better off without you.  I might have to miss my BFFs wedding this year if I get into grad school.  It doesn't make me a shitty friend to prioritize a decision that will affect the next thirty years of my life over a wedding that is on one day.  I'm going to do everything in my power to go, including taking a red eye flight that makes in time for the wedding, and flying out right after the reception.  But if I can't, I know she will be sad and upset, but ultimately she's going to be ecstatic that I am finally achieving my lifelong goals.  THAT is a true friend, not someone who would passive aggressively uninvite one of their supposed dearest friends while inviting the mother to the wedding.  That's so incredibly petty I don't even know what to say.  

Myers2015 said:

She had the same internship last year. Time off has never been a problem for her in the past and there are other options like her cowokers helping out on a project but never mentions that. I feel like im being lied to. What about it being the biggest day of my life and her not really prioritizing it. Before she said she'd do anything to make my wedding. What type of best friend does this?

Myers2015 said:

Not inviting her at all is dramatic. I'll admit it but I'm just so mad.

^JIC

Myers2015

I just think she's lying to get out of being a bridesmaid. She's more than likely going to be able to come but doesn't want to tell me because for some reason doesn't want to be in the wedding. I'll let you guys know of she ends up coming. You are all right. I'm being pretty selfish about one day but she already agreed months ago and even mentioned her internship but said it wouldn't be a problem... Its not the type of person that should be in my wedding. A guest, I wouldn't have any expectations but she had already assured me. She is just a guest not bridesmaid material, BMs have to be able to attend the wedding..duh!!

levioosa

Myers2015 said:

I just think she's lying to get out of being a bridesmaid. She's more than likely going to be able to come but doesn't want to tell me because for some reason doesn't want to be in the wedding. I'll let you guys know of she ends up coming. You are all right. I'm being pretty selfish about one day but she already agreed months ago and even mentioned her internship but said it wouldn't be a problem... Its not the type of person that should be in my wedding. A guest, I wouldn't have any expectations but she had already assured me. She is just a guest not bridesmaid material, BMs have to be able to attend the wedding..duh!!

The thing is, you have no way to know if she's lying or not, and just assuming she's lying is pretty presumptuous.  Even if I can't make it to my BFFs wedding, I'm still her MOH in spirit.  Saying stuff like "she's just not BM material" makes you sound like an ass.  You could also be excited that she's being given opportunities to further her career and life goals through her internship instead of complaining that she won't be there.  You're assuming a lot about her, and you don't have the first idea since you don't even see each other.  

Plans change.  I wish everything went the way I had it planned out, but life doesn't work that way.  Why are you punishing her for a fundamental fact of life?  She probably does feel terrible, and you're not helping her feel any better.  Weddings get moved, family members suddenly get deathly ill, people lose jobs or gain them.  It's not all about you, and as badly as you want it, life doesn't rearrange itself for what you want.  

MairePoppy

From what she said, she's afraid she's interfering with your plans if she can't give you a definite answer, asap. So she gave you one. You've handled this poorly. You need to take a break, keep busy for a week and then think about this.

Myers2015

I'm just going to leave it at this. I told her I understood her position and apologized. I wished her luck with the internship and told her to let me know when she knows if she can make the wedding. Over reaction on my part. Thanks ladies!

WhatawagSBNy

Myers2015 said:

I just think she's lying to get out of being a bridesmaid. She's more than likely going to be able to come but doesn't want to tell me because for some reason doesn't want to be in the wedding. I'll let you guys know of she ends up coming. You are all right. I'm being pretty selfish about one day but she already agreed months ago and even mentioned her internship but said it wouldn't be a problem... Its not the type of person that should be in my wedding. A guest, I wouldn't have any expectations but she had already assured me. She is just a guest not bridesmaid material, BMs have to be able to attend the wedding..duh!!

----------------
I know that in my clinical practice internships there was great variation. In some, everything was flexible, time off was no problem. End one, start another in the same facility, and no time off or schedule variations for the first nine months for regular staff, so none for interns either.

Your friend clearly was not aware she could not get approval or denial of days off until just before they occur.

Now that she knows, she is letting you know, and making it clear she still cares about you, and does not want to leave you in a bind.

It sounds like she is being nice, and trying not to leave you dangling. Be happy she is letting you know, and invite her to the wedding. Why reject her for being nice enough to give you plenty of advance notice that there is a problem? The problem of workplace approval of time off requests is out of her control.

Myers2015

Yes, I had to think about it too. There are a bunch of other factors, and I'm sure she felt pushed into it and then yanked out. Working on our friendship will be done outside of wedding lines. My wedding is 4 months out, all the other BMs have been so eager and cooperative that I just expected it be the same. I've been asking her for the last month to get fitted. She was very nice, and I was looking too much into it. I wrote it when I was angry and of course she will be invited to the wedding- hopefully we can restore a friendship too.

ChemFanatic25

Myers2015 said:

Yes, I had to think about it too. There are a bunch of other factors, and I'm sure she felt pushed into it and then yanked out. Working on our friendship will be done outside of wedding lines. My wedding is 4 months out, all the other BMs have been so eager and cooperative that I just expected it be the same. I've been asking her for the last month to get fitted. She was very nice, and I was looking too much into it. I wrote it when I was angry and of course she will be invited to the wedding- hopefully we can restore a friendship too.

No offense, but in my field of study I'd be more excited and duteous to my internship then a friend's wedding. That's one day and it's not the most important day in my life. An internship that could change the course of my future and give me an into a job after I'm done with school is top priority.

Edit: I can spell . . . I think

Viczaesar

Myers2015 said:

She had the same internship last year. Time off has never been a problem for her in the past and there are other options like her cowokers helping out on a project but never mentions that. I feel like im being lied to. What about it being the biggest day of my life and her not really prioritizing it. Before she said she'd do anything to make my wedding. What type of best friend does this?

The kind whose life doesn't revolve solely around you.  Seriously, you're bitching and calling her lying and a bad friend because her boss is telling her she may not be able to take time off work?  You're the one being a horrible friend here, not her.

Myers2015

She could have discussed this with me earlier, like when I asked her to be in the wedding. But I understand now, my mind was cloudy and selfish when I asked for help. The issue is resolved, thanks.

ChemFanatic25

Myers2015 said:

She could have discussed this with me earlier, like when I asked her to be in the wedding. But I understand now, my mind was cloudy and selfish when I asked for help. The issue is resolved, thanks.

Curious, how was the issue resolved? Is she still a bridesmaid or did you demote her or did she step down?

DaniBites

Myers2015 said:

I just think she's lying to get out of being a bridesmaid. She's more than likely going to be able to come but doesn't want to tell me because for some reason doesn't want to be in the wedding. I'll let you guys know of she ends up coming. You are all right. I'm being pretty selfish about one day but she already agreed months ago and even mentioned her internship but said it wouldn't be a problem... Its not the type of person that should be in my wedding. A guest, I wouldn't have any expectations but she had already assured me. She is just a guest not bridesmaid material, BMs have to be able to attend the wedding..duh!!

To the bolded: 

PrettyGirlLost

Myers2015 said:

She had the same internship last year. Time off has never been a problem for her in the past and there are other options like her cowokers helping out on a project but never mentions that. I feel like im being lied to.   Are you her boss?  Her boss has the final say in whether or not she can take time off.  It doesn't matter what happened in previous years.  They may be gearing up for a very busy year at this internship and not allowing ppl to take a lot of time off.  And that's another thing, an internship is not the same thing as a salaried potion oftentimes.  It's common for internships to have restrictions on time off.  She was very mature and rational in her messages to you, and you were selfish and petulant. What about it being the biggest day of my life and her not really prioritizing it.  Her job takes priority over your wedding day every time.  Your wedding day is not the biggest day in her life, or anyone else's lives- it's just another wedding.   Before she said she'd do anything to make my wedding. What type of best friend does this?  A friend who is honest and is trying to let you know that she may not be able to take time off for your wedding.  You are being unrealistic and a crappy friend imo.

Viczaesar

Myers2015 said:

She could have discussed this with me earlier, like when I asked her to be in the wedding. But I understand now, my mind was cloudy and selfish when I asked for help. The issue is resolved, thanks.

By your own words, she did not know earlier.

Myers2015

She stepped down. I wasn't trying to be mean or a bad friend. I was upset and I just needed help.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Myers2015 said:

She stepped down. I wasn't trying to be mean or a bad friend. I was upset and I just needed help.

What did you need help with? It is not her job to help you. That should be the person you are marrying's job.

ChemFanatic25

Myers2015 said:

She stepped down. I wasn't trying to be mean or a bad friend. I was upset and I just needed help.

What happened to the guy you're marrying? He should be there helping you. Everyone outside of the relationship has other priorities. A one day event is not at the top of the list for most people especially when a job/internship/co-op is on the line.

Hopefully everything works out between you and your friend but it is very unfortunate that you prioritized a one day event over your friendship. When my best friend got married I was very busy with my new job. There was no way I was going to be able to help out and she didn't ask either. I went to the bridal shower, bachelorrette party, showed up for the wedding (the day before - and even then she and her mom didn't ask for any help from us bridesmaids). We just hung out and had a great time spending time with our good friend.

Myers2015

The rest of my wedding party and parts of her family are actually helping with the wedding set up the day/week before-fully committing when I asked. 

Brining my fiancé into a situation that he knows nothing about is not his fault. Its a good thing I didn't take his advice.

I asked help from other "Knotters" not to be criticized but for help on a situation that was hard FOR ME to understand. Thank you to everyone that helped me understand her position and that I was over reacting.  If she makes it I'm sure she will help all she can and be included in the day of/ other activities if it be her choice. 

southernbelle0915

Myers2015 said:

The rest of my wedding party and parts of her family are actually helping with the wedding set up the day/week before-fully committing when I asked. 

Brining my fiancé into a situation that he knows nothing about is not his fault. Its a good thing I didn't take his advice.

I asked help from other "Knotters" not to be criticized but for help on a situation that was hard FOR ME to understand. Thank you to everyone that helped me understand her position and that I was over reacting.  If she makes it I'm sure she will help all she can and be included in the day of/ other activities if it be her choice. 

Why are you asking your guests to help you with wedding set up in the days/week before your wedding? If people offer, that's one thing, but it's not ok to ask people. Unless of course you are paying them. Then they can accept your price or decline, based on the work involved.

ChemFanatic25

Myers2015 said:

The rest of my wedding party and parts of her family are actually helping with the wedding set up the day/week before-fully committing when I asked. 

Brining my fiancé into a situation that he knows nothing about is not his fault. Its a good thing I didn't take his advice.

I asked help from other "Knotters" not to be criticized but for help on a situation that was hard FOR ME to understand. Thank you to everyone that helped me understand her position and that I was over reacting.  If she makes it I'm sure she will help all she can and be included in the day of/ other activities if it be her choice. 

But your fiance is supposed to be helping you with the wedding. You're not marrying your friend. You're marrying your fiance.

And will you be okay with her just showing up and not helping but just celebrating the fact that you are marrying your FI? Because that's the only thing that should be expected of her, not to help you with the wedding.

levioosa

Myers2015 said:

The rest of my wedding party and parts of her family are actually helping with the wedding set up the day/week before-fully committing when I asked. 

Brining my fiancé into a situation that he knows nothing about is not his fault. Its a good thing I didn't take his advice.

I asked help from other "Knotters" not to be criticized but for help on a situation that was hard FOR ME to understand. Thank you to everyone that helped me understand her position and that I was over reacting.  If she makes it I'm sure she will help all she can and be included in the day of/ other activities if it be her choice. 

The thing is, this isn't a "situation," this is your FI's wedding too.  He needs to take an active part in it.  The only people who should be doing any tasks, planning, or paying are you and your FI.  Unless others offer help, you do not ask or demand for help.  If he isn't helping you plan, then that's a conversation you need to take up with him. 

You received plenty of advice.  When you post on an open online forum, people are going to respond to whatever you originally say.  It's not limited to your one question.  If you come on here and say: "I'm curious about where I should look for BM dresses?  Does anyone have any suggestions?  My BM's BF said the last wedding he was in they used DB, but I don't like him and he won't be invited anyways, so I'm looking for other options."   We're going to respond to the fact that it's incredibly rude not to invite the SO as well as to your original question.  You can't tell us what to post or respond to.  

Dreamergirl8812

This thread makes my face hurt.

I lol'd at:
Friend: I don't know if I can get time off 4 months from now.
OP: No problem, just let me know by Saturday.

WTF?

OP, letting her step down is such a slap in the face to her.

And no, your wedding is not the best day of your life. The point of the wedding is to get married. So once you're married, the party was better than the outcome??? I know how wedding fever can make you crazy. I had my moments. But once the party is over you go back to normal life. And treating your friends like shit will have repercussions that last much longer than a party.

Your response should have been: "Hey no problem. Get your dress cuz you're my friend and I love you and hopefully you can make it."