Mom paying for her guests but inviting too many (random) people

peachy13

My mother has always loved to celebrate stuff and host big parties at her house – graduations, birthdays, you name it. I grew up thinking it was totally normal to have a 60 person backyard BBQ and all-night bonfire for your 7^th birthday. There is always a pretty standard guest list of her friends and our family members which can usually add up to about 100 people. But these are just parties with lots of drinks and food – very small compared to the cost of a wedding. So when we were going over budget and guest list for the wedding, my mother asked me to invite her usual crowd and we agreed that she would pay for their meals and their open bar costs. No problem. I know these people well and I want them at the wedding.

However, now my mother keeps adding people every so often. STDs have already gone out and she’s still tweaking her guest list. “Let’s add Betsy and Great Uncle Bill, they’d like it.” “Oh we should invite the Johnsons and their sons. I know we haven’t seen them in a while but we went on vacations with them growing up….”

I know my mother’s word is golden that she will pay for her crowd and I’m not worried about budget. I’m worried about having way too many people.  Our venue can handle 300 guests but I really don’t want to get close to that number (200 was my original limit on the guest count and now we’re at 215). And furthermore, some of the people my mother is adding are totally random. Like the family we grew up with and went on vacations with but aren’t friends with anymore? Why are we inviting them? I’m the oldest child and obviously this is me and my mother’s first time planning a big wedding like this. There seems to be no boundaries on who gets to be invited.

Anyone else have any experience with this? TL; DR: my mother is paying for her part of the wedding guest list but keeps adding people and said people aren’t even really in our lives anymore. Do I just sit by and watch?

aliwis000

Since you are sure your mother will come through with funds to cover the agreed upon costs I will not address the money side of things.

First off, as always, those who pay get a say, a sentiment I have always agreed with. That said however, I do think you could just sit and talk with your mom. Tell her that you are so grateful for her financial and emotional help and that you love that she wants all of her friends there to watch her daughter get married. Also though, reminder her that every person she invites means more time. More time needed to say hello/thank each guest, more time to get through a buffet line for food or served by a team of waiters (unless you are lucky enough to have a team of servers per table) etc.

Let her know that you want to be able to connect with each guest as much as you can and those interactions are reduced as the count increases. Additionally, this goes for her too, she sounds like one of my aunts, a social butterfly if you will, and she will want to talk to everyone too. Hopefully she will start being a bit more critical in adding guests.

Just remember that if she has verbally invited these guests already that is a whole different issue.

Also, as always, if you want complete control of the guest list you could always just pay for it all yourself. However, that ship may have already sailed and since it does not sound like you are terribly upset with your mom over this I am sure you two can find some common ground.

Hopefully a meaningful conversation in which you calmly address your concerns will help things along. 

southernbelle0915

It's not just the cost of the food and open bar. It's the cost of extra tables, extra linens, extra chairs, extra centerpieces, extra invitations, extra favors, extra escort cards, etc. etc. etc. It's great that she's offered to pay for these plates/drinks, but is her contribution covering all the extras as well. 

If she's paying, she does get a say, but she should be actually paying for any "random" guests - meaning the whole package, not just the plate/drinks.

OliveOilsMom

peachy13 said:

My mother has always loved to celebrate stuff and host big parties at her house – graduations, birthdays, you name it. I grew up thinking it was totally normal to have a 60 person backyard BBQ and all-night bonfire for your 7^th birthday. There is always a pretty standard guest list of her friends and our family members which can usually add up to about 100 people. But these are just parties with lots of drinks and food – very small compared to the cost of a wedding. So when we were going over budget and guest list for the wedding, my mother asked me to invite her usual crowd and we agreed that she would pay for their meals and their open bar costs. No problem. I know these people well and I want them at the wedding.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

However, now my mother keeps adding people every so often. STDs have already gone out and she’s still tweaking her guest list. “Let’s add Betsy and Great Uncle Bill, they’d like it.” “Oh we should invite the Johnsons and their sons. I know we haven’t seen them in a while but we went on vacations with them growing up….”

I know my mother’s word is golden that she will pay for her crowd and I’m not worried about budget. I’m worried about having way too many people.  Our venue can handle 300 guests but I really don’t want to get close to that number (200 was my original limit on the guest count and now we’re at 215). And furthermore, some of the people my mother is adding are totally random. Like the family we grew up with and went on vacations with but aren’t friends with anymore? Why are we inviting them? I’m the oldest child and obviously this is me and my mother’s first time planning a big wedding like this. There seems to be no boundaries on who gets to be invited.

Anyone else have any experience with this? TL; DR: my mother is paying for her part of the wedding guest list but keeps adding people and said people aren’t even really in our lives anymore. Do I just sit by and watch?

Even though your mom is paying for her guests, I do think you can kindly tell her that the guestlist is closed.  "Mom, I love you and appreciate that you are paying for your guests.  But we wanted to keep this wedding at 200 people.  We are already over that amount and STDs have gone out.  So I'm sorry, but we cannot add anymore people to the guest list."

Also, I know you said you have faith your mom will pay for her guests, but do you have a back up plan in case she does not come through with the money?  There have been brides on here who have had to scramble due to funds being pulled last minute.

I think a good idea will be to give your mom a full outline of how much it will cost per person, including all of the items southernbelle mentioned above.  It may make her realize how much it would cost to add in these random people.

AddieCake

I agree if she has offered to pay for these people, she needs to pay for everything involved with having them. Belle is right. More people means more everything, not just food and drinks. And like Olive says, perhaps laying that all out for her will make her see just how expensive this is. And I wouldn't hesitate to also mention that you feel strange inviting people you don't even talk to any more. 

floridabride44

I think if you explain to your mom that while it's very generous of her to offer to pay for her additions to the guest list, it's less about the money and more about the time you'll spend hosting these people, being polite, chatting with them, etc. that you would rather spend with your closest friends & family. A wedding is such a short few hours - you don't want to waste time on people who you don't want there. Hopefully after explaining that, she'll understand! 

FMIL kept trying to add random people to our guest list, like the grown-adult children of her friends, who my FI used to hang out with as a child but who he hasn't seen in 10+ year and wouldn't recognize if he passed them on the street. That's where we had to draw the line. We didn't want to look around the room at our wedding and see a bunch of strangers, just our nearest & dearest. She was upset at first when we told her we would really rather not invite her friend's kids (like super dramatic claiming it would ruin her friendships if her friend's kids weren't invited) but eventually she came around and understood where we were coming from. 

GOOD LUCK!!

blushingbride8888

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not just the cost of the food and open bar. It's the cost of extra tables, extra linens, extra chairs, extra centerpieces, extra invitations, extra favors, extra escort cards, etc. etc. etc. It's great that she's offered to pay for these plates/drinks, but is her contribution covering all the extras as well. 

If she's paying, she does get a say, but she should be actually paying for any "random" guests - meaning the whole package, not just the plate/drinks.

This. This happened with our wedding and when FMIL realized how much her six people would cost she changed her tune.

arrrghmatey

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not just the cost of the food and open bar. It's the cost of extra tables, extra linens, extra chairs, extra centerpieces, extra invitations, extra favors, extra escort cards, etc. etc. etc. It's great that she's offered to pay for these plates/drinks, but is her contribution covering all the extras as well. 

If she's paying, she does get a say, but she should be actually paying for any "random" guests - meaning the whole package, not just the plate/drinks.

Oh yes, THIS. And FWIW, I was having the same issue. My parents have offered us a specific $$$ amount to go towards our wedding, and it almost covers the cost of the reception. But my mother is also a social butterfly, and when I was preparing our guest list, she kept suggesting long time friends of the family (some of which I'm happy to invite) and a bunch of her new random friends she's made within the past 4 or 5 years….people whom I've only met once or twice and do not have a real connection with. "They'd love an excuse to come out to California! And for such a nice event!" Not only did I not feel comfortable about this, as my mother has a lot of strange friends, but I knew this would add costs elsewhere, as mentioned above: invites, favors, thank you cards, cake, etc.

I had a phone call with mom and stated that, while I appreciate the monetary contribution that she and my dad are making towards our wedding, we still have to be mindful of our costs. Even though mom said she would pay for her extra guests, I had to emphasize the other added costs it would add for my FI and I. And I stated that this is our one wedding day--I'd rather spend it with people who mean something to me and my FI. I would feel a bit sad if I wasn't able to invite some good co-workers because we had to cut our guest list at a certain point, yet there's a bunch of people I don't know enjoying the festivities. 

Edit: words….