Co-worker invited themselves to my wedding...

tasmith90

So, a coworker who I'm close with at work kind of invited herself to my wedding. We are both getting married around the same time, so we've talked a lot about wedding stuff. She already told me that she's inviting me to her wedding The issue is is that my FI and I are paying for our wedding, so we have a really small list and are inviting family and close friends. 

When she kind of invited herself, it was at the end of the day at work in front of a group of coworkers. I didn't want to tell her right then and there, but now don't know how to bring it up since I didn't say anything...

Its just awkward on multiple levels because, A) We work together, B ) I didn't correct her that she's not on the list and C) I'm invited to her wedding

Suggestions on how to tell her shes not invited?

theartistformerlyknownas

thchurn said:

So, a coworker who I'm close with at work kind of invited herself to my wedding. We are both getting married around the same time, so we've talked a lot about wedding stuff. She already told me that she's inviting me to her wedding The issue is is that my FI and I are paying for our wedding, so we have a really small list and are inviting family and close friends. 

When she kind of invited herself, it was at the end of the day at work in front of a group of coworkers. I didn't want to tell her right then and there, but now don't know how to bring it up since I didn't say anything...

Its just awkward on multiple levels because, A) We work together, B ) I didn't correct her that she's not on the list and C) I'm invited to her wedding

Suggestions on how to tell her shes not invited?

What exactly did she say? How serious did it sound? Potentially joking or lighthearted "can't wait for your wedding!" How long til your wedding?

I'd probably let it go for now... if it comes up again, privately tell her "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, but we're keeping our guest list really small. I wish you could be there but it just didn't work out that way."

fwtx5815

You could either wait until the topic comes up again and she makes some kind of comment along the lines of "I can't wait to go to your wedding" and you can say that you're having a smaller wedding and couldn't invite everyone you wanted to invite and sorry for any misunderstanding.

Or you could be very upfront and pull her aside the next time you see her and say that you wanted to tell her now rather than in front of everyone but that you're having a small wedding. It basically depends on how comfortable you are with bringing this up. If the wedding is soon though, you'd be better off doing this very quickly.

It was rude of her to invite herself, but it's also not a good idea to talk a lot about your wedding with someone whom you don't plan to invite. I know it's hard to keep the topic at bay when someone else is also planning a wedding too, but still.

jenna8984

@novella1186 tell her how its done!!!

arrrghmatey

I would stop talking about your wedding with her, as hard as that can be when you are both planning your weddings and you work together. And just because you are invited to her wedding does not mean you are obligated to invite her to yours. Anyone who is expecting a tit-for-tat wedding invitation is being presumptuous and rude. Everyone has different budgets and limitations, and your co-worker should have some idea of this considering she is also planning a wedding.

Don't send her a STD or an invite. I wouldn't bring up the subject yourself because she *may* have been making a light-hearted remark and was not being serious. If she brings up the topic again, kindly say "I'm so sorry, but we're having to stick to a small, intimate wedding with just our family and close friends."

tasmith90

It was serious, she was talking about figuring out when her honeymoon is over if she'll be back in time.

arrrghmatey

She may not know that you are keeping your guest list small. Tell her you're very sorry, but you are not able to invite everyone you would like. Hopefully she will understand.

I've invited a co-worker and his new wife to our wedding. He had gotten married this past December and I was not invited to his wedding since they had to keep it small. After receiving our STD, he said he felt bad about having not invited me to his wedding. I knew he and his wife were having a small, intimate wedding and assured him I understood that, and asked him not to feel weird about coming to our wedding. I think it is all a matter of people having a sensible understanding of how/why things are done.

AddieCake

I would pull her aside and tell her the truth.

[Deleted User]

Pull her aside now and don't put it off. It gets harder to do the longer you let it roll.

Jen4948

I agree with PPs: tell her now.

You could say, "Coworker, I appreciate that you're excited about the wedding, but our wedding is going to be a small one and it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked. Unfortunately, we aren't able to invite you. I'm sorry for your disappointment." Even if you really aren't, expressing regret might help take the sting out of it for your coworker while making clear that she isn't invited.

novella1186

Yeah... I had a coworker who kept harassing me about a wedding invite and when she realized she didn't make my list, she started an elaborate kidnapping plot to "force" me to invite her. Seriously.

Don't let this girl go on having the wrong idea. Tell her kindly but honestly, and do it sooner rather than later.

I finally had to confront my crazy coworker because she was taking things too far, and she's been quiet about it since then, and things have been fine (not awkward) as far as us having to work together. (Fingers crossed it stays that way)

JellyBean52513

PPs have thoroughly covered how to address her self-invite, but here's another approach you might need as far as redirecting further conversations away from wedding talk:

Her: "I can't believe how fast time is flying, the weddings are coming up! Are you done finalizing your menu? What are you guys serving?"
You: "We're still working on details, and I don't mean to seem uninterested but I'd rather not talk about my wedding at work, it's just not the time and place. Speaking of work, ___________" <- insert something relevant to your job that you can ask or tell her.

I had a co-worker who basically refused to focus on the job while I was trying to train her. She would find a way to talk about the fact that I'm in law school, her past jobs, her interests, my home life, politics, LITERALLY anything to make "small talk" (which was really just her way of starting a conversation so she could talk about herself). I finally had to just be straight with her and say "Listen, I don't mean to come across as unfriendly, but we can't be chit-chatting at work. It looks unprofessional in front of clients, and we have a job we need to focus on right now." Sometimes being direct is the only way to get through to someone. It's absolutely appropriate to be direct when necessary, and it can be done respectfully.

[Deleted User]

I've had a lot of people make comments like "I'm so excited to dance to all these great songs at your wedding!" or "I can't wait for your wedding, it's going to be so much fun!" and I stand there in silence while trying to think of a way to tactfully say "we don't have the guest list planned yet" or something of the sort. I don't want them to think my silence means "yeah, of course, see you there!". I am very careful not to discuss wedding details at work or around anyone that might not be invited, mostly because I'm very private and because there aren't many details for our far off wedding just yet. Also because I don't want people to think that they're invited since they know the details of what is happening. It's rude for people to assume they're invited, but it'd be more rude if I gave them any indication they had an invite in the first place.