Here goes, We cannot seem to settle on a new wedding date

Flannynyfla

Due to multiple issues over the years we seem to be having a never ending engagement. I have the ring and we had a romantic engagement shoot that my fiance surprised me with but this was years ago. Now something or another keeps coming up and we can't seem to settle on a date. We could go to a judge and just get married quick but then our friends and family want to celebrate and then we run into the problem again of when to set a date for the reception to include everyone. So I need to find out if we're ever getting married or just going to keep living together like we are and this seems to not bother my fiance as much as it bothers me. Thanks for listening to me vent. 

MesmrEwe

Do what a friend of mine did "Surprise Wedding" with her husband and all their friends/family were in on the planning...  BUT, it was something that there was no question about the engagement nor that they'd "get around to it" that year but sitting down to plan it just wasn't on the priority list ...  They wanted to get married but he didn't want to deal with the hoopla in PLANNING a wedding.  She did it and he never had to lift a finger.  Mind you, he was on board 100% that they'd be getting married.  They also didn't overly dress up or anything like that either. 

Find out what the objection is (really get to the heart of the issue - this is why marriage prep counseling is AWESOME to take part in even if you plan a JOP wedding - we had to do this in order to get married in a church, and many churches are open to having couples not getting married there to do the prep part because it does strengthen marriages for the long term, but it also gave us a discount on our marriage license so why not).  Decide what YOU are willing to settle for (Gene Simmons 27 year engagement or ??), and make the tough decisions if necessary.  Something tells me there is a bigger issue at play in your relationship (he's got it good playing house) that really isn't going to get resolved on a message board and the lines of communication need to be opened up for and sometimes it really is as simple as listening...

caitlinmarie13

When my FI and I set our date, we made sure it worked for the people we 100% needed to be there (parents, us, siblings, best friend, and his cousin who will be deployed until November). If everybody else can come then thats great...but you can't please absolutely everyone on your guest list. 

6fsn

Pick a season.  Ask those closest to you when they can't be there.  set the date.  If this is taking years something else is going on.

MNNEBride

Just pick a date that works for you.  Life goes on and you can't control people dying, babies being born, etc.  If you would like the bridesmaids to wear the dresses they have, pick the same season you originally had.  One date is not going to work for everyone.  Pick one and go with it.  Those who want to come, will make it a priority and will be there.

Serial postponing points to other issues, I think.

charcoalandblush

MNNEBride said:

Just pick a date that works for you.  Life goes on and you can't control people dying, babies being born, etc.  If you would like the bridesmaids to wear the dresses they have, pick the same season you originally had.  One date is not going to work for everyone.  Pick one and go with it.  Those who want to come, will make it a priority and will be there.

Serial postponing points to other issues, I think.

Agreed. It sounds like those reasons are mostly excuses covering up for something more serious.

6fsn

Flannynyfla said:

Yes health issues people dying, jobs, babies born etc the list can go on. We just can't agree, and my bridesmaids are getting frustrated about wearing these dresses, so I am thinking they can try returning them or selling on ebay and they can just get something new when we resettle since they are seasonal anyway, maybe the season may be different.

Of course the list can go on.  That's why you pick a date and go with it. 

Reimburse them for the dresses and you deal with it.  They're probably frustrated because they put money into this shit and you're still not married.

jacques27

Flannynyfla said:

Yes health issues people dying, jobs, babies born etc the list can go on. We just can't agree, and my bridesmaids are getting frustrated about wearing these dresses, so I am thinking they can try returning them or selling on ebay and they can just get something new when we resettle since they are seasonal anyway, maybe the season may be different.

The world doesn't stop turning just because you want to get married.  People keep on living their lives.  It's one day.  Just pick one that works for the majority of VIPs and stick with it.  Learn to be ok that it might not work for everyone.  It's really not that difficult.  Literally thousands of people in the U.S. do it every single day.  Do you think those people don't have people die, babies born, jobs creating a hassle?  That's life and it doesn't stop for weddings - you just pick a day and move forth.  So if you're waiting for the stars to align to some perfect moment when everything is just so to have a perfect wedding, you're never getting married.  If that's not it, then chances are there is something bigger going on that has one or both of you dragging your feet about this and perhaps some couples counseling might be in order.

MNNEBride

Flannynyfla said:

I'm not mad at people dying and all of that, sheesh, You make it seem like I am upset withour people. I am not. I'm trying to be considerate of their issues and also it is MY baby that was born which was another delay in the process, but I can see why that would be confusing because I never once mentioned it. Babies are expensive, so we postponsed. Thank you, we will just pik a date and go with it. I will have a talk with my man this week about it all.

Yes, this would have been helpful information.  But it doesn't change my advice.

mikenberger

Just pick a date and be done with it. And for pity's sake, don't have a surprise wedding. How ridiculous. You can plan a wedding with your spouse knowing about it. Don't you want your future husband to at least have knowledge of one of the biggest days of his life? 

ChemFanatic25

Flannynyfla said:

I never said I wanted to do a surprise wedding, I don't even think I want to do that, we plan to just go to the city hall next weekend and jsut do it and my bridesmaids are planning to bring their dresses back to dsavid's bridal and exchange.

Why don't you have it at city hall and invite your bridesmaids? If they can make it awesome, they can show up in their dresses. If they can't, that stinks. Afterwards take everyone out to dinner. Bam, married and everyone got to wear the apparel they bought for your wedding.

MesmrEwe

Flannynyfla said:

I never said I wanted to do a surprise wedding, I don't even think I want to do that, we plan to just go to the city hall next weekend and jsut do it and my bridesmaids are planning to bring their dresses back to dsavid's bridal and exchange.

How does that work?  Every time I've been there they require verbally and signing agreement that "ALL SALES FINAL" - doesn't matter how simple the item is...

ChemFanatic25

MesmrEwe said:

Flannynyfla said:

I never said I wanted to do a surprise wedding, I don't even think I want to do that, we plan to just go to the city hall next weekend and jsut do it and my bridesmaids are planning to bring their dresses back to dsavid's bridal and exchange.

How does that work?  Every time I've been there they require verbally and signing agreement that "ALL SALES FINAL" - doesn't matter how simple the item is...

Yeah, I don't think you can bring your dresses back unfortunately. :-/

mikenberger

Flannynyfla said:

I never said I wanted to do a surprise wedding, I don't even think I want to do that, we plan to just go to the city hall next weekend and jsut do it and my bridesmaids are planning to bring their dresses back to dsavid's bridal and exchange.

No, someone offered advice for you to do that. That's where my comment landed from.

I know that David's Bridal will exchange a wedding dress once, I don't know if they do bridesmaids dresses. I know the one dress I bought from them was a sales final. Why not just invite them to city hall and have them wear it there? Or go out for a nice dinner and have them wear the dress then?

6fsn

I want to know if DB will actually take the dresses back.  I bet these ladies don't REALLY care about wearing them they just don't want to have this wasted money hanging in the closet.  Let them get rid of them and reimburse the difference (you can get more if they aren't worn).  Then let them wear whatever out to a nice dinner.

ChemFanatic25

Flannynyfla said:

They said we could exchange since the girls bought the dresses off the rack, they can't get money back, but it could have been a special circumstance. The dresses were bought when I was planning my first wedding with my ex a few years back but when he cheated on me I found out and broke it off, and now so much time has passed so I think they have to just try selling on ebay or something. I found out about a month before my wedding so that's why they already bought their dresses but then when I met my current diance and planned to get married, we figured just use all the same dresses, even my weddint dres to save money.

Then i still recommend either inviting them to the court house. Having them stand by you in your dress, or having them sell the dresses so they can get their money back. You can still invite them to the court house even if they don't have those dresses. It doesn't have to be a huge planned ordeal. Keep it simple. Wedding at the court house and some food afterwards.

delujm0

I'd be annoyed too if i had spent a bunch of money on a dress that i didn't care for and only bought for the purposes of being in a wedding, and then the wedding got cancelled repeatedly.

 

Reimburse the girls the full amount for their dresses, it's the least you can do at this point.  And then have a serious conversation with your FI about setting a date.  Run the date past the absolute VIPs and then stick to it regardless of what comes up.  i'd be very concerned about the future of my relationship if my wedding was postponed multiple times.

6fsn

You are making this way too hard and focusing way too much on these dresses. NOBODY cares this much about wearing a bridesmaid dress.  They are pissed that they laid out this money and it's just sitting in a closet.  Send them a check for the dresses and either have them send the dress to you to deal with or just tell them to keep it.

Now that the stupid dresses are taken care of sit down with your FI and pick a date.  Then tell everyone when you are getting married and treating them to dinner.

delujm0

Flannynyfla said:

I was responding to all the commends about the dresses, I personally don't think it's about the dress at all, but I do care aout how my girls feel and how they feel in what they wear. Everyone wants to look pretty, so I understand their points. I think we'll just get the wedding over with at a judge and hopefully my fiance will agree, he just wants everything to be perfect and I can't get him to see that it doesn't matter how much money we spend.

Believe me, it's not specifically about "the dress" itself, it's about the fact that they all spent money on a dress that they have no reason to wear.  I love my friends, and i have purchased some lovely BM dresses for their weddings.  But in no world, seriously in zero percent of those cases, would i have laid out that money for that specific dress for any reason other than a wedding party.  I would have used it to buy something of my choosing.

 

Especially if some of the girls no longer fit into these dresses...you need to reimburse them all for this.  If they still wind up using them, great.  But even suggesting that "i think they are happy to just get a different dress and get rid of this one" is crazy.  They won't sell the first dress to recoup their entire investment, and then on top of that you want them to buy ANOTHER dress? 

 

Trust me.  Reimburse them all FULLY for their dresses, and then YOU can tackle the annoyance of selling those dresses online to recoup some of your investment.  And then, when this wedding actually happens, just tell them to buy "any knee-length dress in X color" so that they can pick something they all actually like (and can wait for the last minute so that they KNOW the wedding won't be postponed again), and move on.

hmonkey

in the wedding invite, please note that you don't "believe" in vaccination so that people who are at risk (the elderly, infants, cancer patients, etc.) know they might be at risk for contracting a disease that was eliminated 15 years ago.

VarunaTT

Doesn't everyone know the risk going in as a bridesmaid that there's an off chance this won't happen?  Let the damn dresses go.  Tell them to get rid of them as they see fit.  Done.

As for the new wedding, you don't have a date, so stop asking/worrying about bridesmaids at all.  Pick the damn date.  THEN, ask wedding party 6 months out.  Choose new dress.  If you have the same BMs, they have an option to say No.  Or, just say, "Show up in a black dress made out of [fabric] or from [designer/store]" to save their monies.  

But really, you need to cut all strings between wedding 1 and wedding 2.  They are their own beast.  If wedding is going to the courthouse and you want BMs there, give date/time and say, I'd love to have you with me.  They can wear whatever.

hmonkey

Flannynyfla said:

I said that a parent should have the right to decide if they want to poison their own child or not.

poison = vaccines to you, no?

if so, you could always DIY.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pharmaceutical-industry-reeling-as-more-moms-makin,36028/