Would you judge me?

ChemFanatic25

Hi Ladies, I need some etiquitte advice (I think it's etiquitte advice). My best friend is having a baby and I am very excited for her. She is due early April. I have expressed multiple times how excited to see her and she has done the same. The last time we got to see each other was actually around October I believe, right before she announced her pregnancy. So obviously I have said multiple times, yes I cannot wait to come to the baby shower, which she told me I was invited to. She actually gave me the option to go to one closer to me (about 3 hours away) because she knows I don't like driving but it was at Thanksgiving time so I would be too busy with the holidays. Well now the second one is being hosted where she lives, which is 6 hours away from me.

Unfortunately, I already told someone else I would be attending one of their parties in town the night before. She still didn't have a set date for the baby shower so I replied yes to this other invite without full knowledge of when the baby shower would be (I don't know if this is rude or not :-/ ). Well now she and her husband have a date BUT it's six hours away for me and I can't go Friday because I am going to this other party that night. So I would be driving 12 hours to and from (most likely by myself because all of my other friends will be going Friday if they do go to maximize time with her) for a visit that will be less than 24 hours. My question is, even though I have expressed so much excitement in seeing her, would it be rude to decline the invite? Gas is not cheap and I just had to pay a medical bill that was more then I expected and I just got in an accident this morning and now have to pay the deductible for that (I can handle the costs but because I'm saving up for my trip to Scotland I now need to be more observant of what my money goes towards and spending upwards of $100 for basically a single day trip does not sound appealing to me.)

I am probably being really silly with this post but I'm a little stressed especially with what happened this morning. Maybe, I should wait a couple of days before making a decision. I most definitely plan on sending her a gift one way or another so that isn't an issue. I just want to make sure I'm not looking like an ass or a rude person by declining this invite when I have said multiple times I will be there.

southernbelle0915

If you could turn back the clock, you SHOULD have said "I'd love to attend the baby shower in your home town, but let me know about the dates so I can check my calendar." But that's water under the bridge.

Now that you have a physical invitation, I would just call her and tell her you've already committed to another party, unfortunately. Therefore you cannot attend. Tell her you still want to see her and ask her if y'all can make a pedicure/lunch date or drop by her house some time soon. Just make actual plans versus saying "I really want to see you!"

It sounds like you're close to her. If I couldn't attend the baby shower of someone I was close with, I would send a gift and a heart felt card.

LtPowers

Your acceptance of the invitation was informal, and it came before you knew the date of the event. Plus you've had a number of emergencies come up. You are in the clear, etiquette-wise, to decline, due to a prior engagement.

Whether that would pass muster with your friend is a question only you can answer.

mikenberger

ChemFanatic25 said:

Hi Ladies, I need some etiquitte advice (I think it's etiquitte advice). My best friend is having a baby and I am very excited for her. She is due early April. I have expressed multiple times how excited to see her and she has done the same. The last time we got to see each other was actually around October I believe, right before she announced her pregnancy. So obviously I have said multiple times, yes I cannot wait to come to the baby shower, which she told me I was invited to. She actually gave me the option to go to one closer to me (about 3 hours away) because she knows I don't like driving but it was at Thanksgiving time so I would be too busy with the holidays. Well now the second one is being hosted where she lives, which is 6 hours away from me.

Unfortunately, I already told someone else I would be attending one of their parties in town the night before. She still didn't have a set date for the baby shower so I replied yes to this other invite without full knowledge of when the baby shower would be (I don't know if this is rude or not :-/ ). Well now she and her husband have a date BUT it's six hours away for me and I can't go Friday because I am going to this other party that night. So I would be driving 12 hours to and from (most likely by myself because all of my other friends will be going Friday if they do go to maximize time with her) for a visit that will be less than 24 hours. My question is, even though I have expressed so much excitement in seeing her, would it be rude to decline the invite? Gas is not cheap and I just had to pay a medical bill that was more then I expected and I just got in an accident this morning and now have to pay the deductible for that (I can handle the costs but because I'm saving up for my trip to Scotland I now need to be more observant of what my money goes towards and spending upwards of $100 for basically a single day trip does not sound appealing to me.)

I am probably being really silly with this post but I'm a little stressed especially with what happened this morning. Maybe, I should wait a couple of days before making a decision. I most definitely plan on sending her a gift one way or another so that isn't an issue. I just want to make sure I'm not looking like an ass or a rude person by declining this invite when I have said multiple times I will be there.

Depending on what the other party was and who was throwing it (Like a close friend or a work friend of FIs) I'd skip on the party and go to the baby shower. Especially if my FI was going to the party, I'd send him without me and then go to the shower. 

If I couldn't make the shower, I would hold my gift back, call her with my regrets and have a backup plan in place. "Apologies, apologies! Can I come and see you on one of these two weekends?" and deliver the gift in person. Chances are she'll be bummed, especially if you've made it known that you were coming to her baby shower on multiple occasions.

danamw

I think it goes the other way, if you drove 6 hours to a baby shower with all you have going on in your life-- I would say you are nuts!

You can send your gift, keep in touch with your friend, and you are fine.

ChemFanatic25

southernbelle0915 said:

If you could turn back the clock, you SHOULD have said "I'd love to attend the baby shower in your home town, but let me know about the dates so I can check my calendar." But that's water under the bridge.

Now that you have a physical invitation, I would just call her and tell her you've already committed to another party, unfortunately. Therefore you cannot attend. Tell her you still want to see her and ask her if y'all can make a pedicure/lunch date or drop by her house some time soon. Just make actual plans versus saying "I really want to see you!"

It sounds like you're close to her. If I couldn't attend the baby shower of someone I was close with, I would send a gift and a heart felt card.

Yeah, I most definitely should have done this :-/ I feel like such a jerk. Unfortunately stopping by for pedicures isn't really an option because of how far away she lives. I'll try to plan better next time. Maybe I can visit her middle of March before the baby is due when i can go on a weekend. I most definitely will also be sending her a gift. She has two registries so I can shop from there.

southernbelle0915

ChemFanatic25 said:

Yeah, I most definitely should have done this :-/ I feel like such a jerk. Unfortunately stopping by for pedicures isn't really an option because of how far away she lives. I'll try to plan better next time. Maybe I can visit her middle of March before the baby is due when i can go on a weekend. I most definitely will also be sending her a gift. She has two registries so I can shop from there.

I would just make sure you drop the "I really want to see you!" stuff if you aren't going to make the effort/trip to see her. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but personally I get really sick of friends who live a few hours away being like "I miss you soooo much and I totally want to visit!!" Ok, so do it. Make plans. Come see me if that's what you want. If you (general you) can't or won't for whatever reason, let's just catch up without the empty promises. 

But (to me personally) it sounds superficial and disingenuous after a while if people don't follow through. KWIM?

AddieCake

Yeah, that's kind of far to drive for a shower. I would not judge you for not going. Send a gift and card and express your sadness at not being able to make it. 

beachyone15

ChemFanatic25 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Now that you have a physical invitation, I would just call her and tell her you've already committed to another party, unfortunately. Therefore you cannot attend. Tell her you still want to see her and ask her if y'all can make a pedicure/lunch date or drop by her house some time soon. Just make actual plans versus saying "I really want to see you!"

It sounds like you're close to her. If I couldn't attend the baby shower of someone I was close with, I would send a gift and a heart felt card.

Yeah, I most definitely should have done this :-/ I feel like such a jerk. Unfortunately stopping by for pedicures isn't really an option because of how far away she lives. I'll try to plan better next time. Maybe I can visit her middle of March before the baby is due when i can go on a weekend. I most definitely will also be sending her a gift. She has two registries so I can shop from there.

I would NOT phrase it in this way. I know you have every right to decline and she should understand, but I'd honestly be a little hurt if my friend told me she was attending another party after knowing about mine for so long. If you feel that you HAVE to give an excuse (which you don't) then I would say that some unexpected finances won't allow for you to travel.

ChemFanatic25

southernbelle0915 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

Yeah, I most definitely should have done this :-/ I feel like such a jerk. Unfortunately stopping by for pedicures isn't really an option because of how far away she lives. I'll try to plan better next time. Maybe I can visit her middle of March before the baby is due when i can go on a weekend. I most definitely will also be sending her a gift. She has two registries so I can shop from there.

I would just make sure you drop the "I really want to see you!" stuff if you aren't going to make the effort/trip to see her. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but personally I get really sick of friends who live a few hours away being like "I miss you soooo much and I totally want to visit!!" Ok, so do it. Make plans. Come see me if that's what you want. If you (general you) can't or won't for whatever reason, let's just catch up without the empty promises. 

But (to me personally) it sounds superficial and disingenuous after a while if people don't follow through. KWIM?

Yeah I understand. We both say it a lot so we skype or talk on the phone when we can. I would say maybe 3-4 times a month. It's just difficult with the way our schedules are and she absolutely does not like to travel so it's me traveling. I was finally planning on seeing her and then all of this crap happened (not her baby shower - my own life). And I finally got the invite and saw the date and I just feel terrible :-/ I think I will try to visit but I'm going to talk to her first. (Haven't talked to her yet because I just got the invite and we both are at work). If I go another weekend I will be able to see her longer and then it can also just be her and I hanging out as well. I'm goin to call her tonight though.

 

I apologize if it looks like I'm making excuses (probably am) just really stressed out. Everyone's advice is very helpful.

ChemFanatic25

mikenberger said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

Hi Ladies, I need some etiquitte advice (I think it's etiquitte advice). My best friend is having a baby and I am very excited for her. She is due early April. I have expressed multiple times how excited to see her and she has done the same. The last time we got to see each other was actually around October I believe, right before she announced her pregnancy. So obviously I have said multiple times, yes I cannot wait to come to the baby shower, which she told me I was invited to. She actually gave me the option to go to one closer to me (about 3 hours away) because she knows I don't like driving but it was at Thanksgiving time so I would be too busy with the holidays. Well now the second one is being hosted where she lives, which is 6 hours away from me.

Unfortunately, I already told someone else I would be attending one of their parties in town the night before. She still didn't have a set date for the baby shower so I replied yes to this other invite without full knowledge of when the baby shower would be (I don't know if this is rude or not :-/ ). Well now she and her husband have a date BUT it's six hours away for me and I can't go Friday because I am going to this other party that night. So I would be driving 12 hours to and from (most likely by myself because all of my other friends will be going Friday if they do go to maximize time with her) for a visit that will be less than 24 hours. My question is, even though I have expressed so much excitement in seeing her, would it be rude to decline the invite? Gas is not cheap and I just had to pay a medical bill that was more then I expected and I just got in an accident this morning and now have to pay the deductible for that (I can handle the costs but because I'm saving up for my trip to Scotland I now need to be more observant of what my money goes towards and spending upwards of $100 for basically a single day trip does not sound appealing to me.)

I am probably being really silly with this post but I'm a little stressed especially with what happened this morning. Maybe, I should wait a couple of days before making a decision. I most definitely plan on sending her a gift one way or another so that isn't an issue. I just want to make sure I'm not looking like an ass or a rude person by declining this invite when I have said multiple times I will be there.

Depending on what the other party was and who was throwing it (Like a close friend or a work friend of FIs) I'd skip on the party and go to the baby shower. Especially if my FI was going to the party, I'd send him without me and then go to the shower. 

If I couldn't make the shower, I would hold my gift back, call her with my regrets and have a backup plan in place. "Apologies, apologies! Can I come and see you on one of these two weekends?" and deliver the gift in person. Chances are she'll be bummed, especially if you've made it known that you were coming to her baby shower on multiple occasions.

It's my SO's close work friend who I also hang out with at least once a week. He invited me personally. But I think I may have to skip that party because I most definitely will feel like crap not going and at the same time I don't want to only be at my friend's for less than 24 hours, so skippng the party is a good option. I'm most likely making a bigger deal about this than I should be. Just still feeling a little shaken up.

lilacck28

I hope the car accident wasn't too bad and you're okay! 

I would skip the new party, even though you accepted, and go to the baby shower, since it's for your BEST friend. Or, just work out a different time to visit. 

PrettyGirlLost

mikenberger said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

Hi Ladies, I need some etiquitte advice (I think it's etiquitte advice). My best friend is having a baby and I am very excited for her. She is due early April. I have expressed multiple times how excited to see her and she has done the same. The last time we got to see each other was actually around October I believe, right before she announced her pregnancy. So obviously I have said multiple times, yes I cannot wait to come to the baby shower, which she told me I was invited to. She actually gave me the option to go to one closer to me (about 3 hours away) because she knows I don't like driving but it was at Thanksgiving time so I would be too busy with the holidays. Well now the second one is being hosted where she lives, which is 6 hours away from me.

Unfortunately, I already told someone else I would be attending one of their parties in town the night before. She still didn't have a set date for the baby shower so I replied yes to this other invite without full knowledge of when the baby shower would be (I don't know if this is rude or not :-/ ). Well now she and her husband have a date BUT it's six hours away for me and I can't go Friday because I am going to this other party that night. So I would be driving 12 hours to and from (most likely by myself because all of my other friends will be going Friday if they do go to maximize time with her) for a visit that will be less than 24 hours. My question is, even though I have expressed so much excitement in seeing her, would it be rude to decline the invite? Gas is not cheap and I just had to pay a medical bill that was more then I expected and I just got in an accident this morning and now have to pay the deductible for that (I can handle the costs but because I'm saving up for my trip to Scotland I now need to be more observant of what my money goes towards and spending upwards of $100 for basically a single day trip does not sound appealing to me.)

I am probably being really silly with this post but I'm a little stressed especially with what happened this morning. Maybe, I should wait a couple of days before making a decision. I most definitely plan on sending her a gift one way or another so that isn't an issue. I just want to make sure I'm not looking like an ass or a rude person by declining this invite when I have said multiple times I will be there.

Depending on what the other party was and who was throwing it (Like a close friend or a work friend of FIs) I'd skip on the party and go to the baby shower. Especially if my FI was going to the party, I'd send him without me and then go to the shower. 

If I couldn't make the shower, I would hold my gift back, call her with my regrets and have a backup plan in place. "Apologies, apologies! Can I come and see you on one of these two weekends?" and deliver the gift in person. Chances are she'll be bummed, especially if you've made it known that you were coming to her baby shower on multiple occasions.

This.  If this party is just a game night, or a dinner party, or a work dinner party, and your FI is going I'd skip it and attend the shower.

ChemFanatic25

lilacck28 said:

I hope the car accident wasn't too bad and you're okay! 

I would skip the new party, even though you accepted, and go to the baby shower, since it's for your BEST friend. Or, just work out a different time to visit. 

I'm fine, the car needs to be fixed. Just stressed about the cost of that.

 

And yeah, I think I'm going to do that. It will be much better to see her. If I skip the other party I can drive with a couple of my other friends as well and I'll just pitch in money for gas.

Dreamergirl8812

I would never drive 6 hours for a baby shower. I would order a present off their registry, have it delivered before the shower, and then make an effort to see bff at another time. You two can get together without a diaper cake being involved.

ChemFanatic25

Dreamergirl8812 said:

I would never drive 6 hours for a baby shower. I would order a present off their registry, have it delivered before the shower, and then make an effort to see bff at another time. You two can get together without a diaper cake being involved.

Normally I would actually because I plan to stay for the weekend, not just one evening and then leaving early in the morning the next day. But I was invited to another party on that Friday and I believe because I was really stressed out about some things that have happened recently, I couldn't think straight and I didn't know what was rude and what wasn't, what was jerk-ish like and what wasn't. Thankfully I have calmed down a bit and I am going to try and get a ride with some of my friends (my car works but I am not feeling up for driving especially that long with what has just happened - plus I know a couple of people that will most likely be driving) to see her and attend the shower. I am going to skip the other party and let my SO know because he is attending that one.

arrrghmatey

Okay, I'll be the first person to admit that I strongly dislike baby showers. They're not my scene. HOWEVER, that being said, if it were my best friend, and she lived only a 6 hour drive away (and I say 'only' because my best friend lives in Alaska and I'm in CA), I'd do everything I could to be there for such a momentous occasion. No contest.

I would go back to the SO's friend and be honest: "Thank you so much for the invite to the party. FI still plans on attending, but I recently found out that my best friend's baby shower is the same night, and I'd really like to be there for her. I hope you understand."

ChemFanatic25

scribe95 said:

ChemFanatic25 said:

lilacck28 said:

I hope the car accident wasn't too bad and you're okay! 

I would skip the new party, even though you accepted, and go to the baby shower, since it's for your BEST friend. Or, just work out a different time to visit. 

I'm fine, the car needs to be fixed. Just stressed about the cost of that.

 

And yeah, I think I'm going to do that. It will be much better to see her. If I skip the other party I can drive with a couple of my other friends as well and I'll just pitch in money for gas.

I think you are doing the right thing. Have fun supporting your best friend.

Yeah, I really have been wanting to see her and my plan was to do see her at the shower because she's due in April and I'm traveling in May and I like to give myself a break in between travel escapades.

 

Thank you everyone for listening to my crazy rant. I was really stressed out and reading everyone's responses calmed me down and I feel better knowing I will be going.

saric83

I wouldn't drive six hours for a baby shower, even for my best friend.  You will be one of many guests that she needs to visit with, and there is a good chance that she may only spend a few minutes being able to talk with you.  If it were me, I would much rather spend that time traveling on another trip to visit her when you can actually spend time together one-on-one.

huskypuppy14

Am I not reading this right? From what I can gather, the OP accepted an invitation to another party BEFORE she knew the date of the baby shower. Just because she said she would go to her best friend's baby shower,  doesn't mean she has to put her life on hold until they have a date. 

Don't we always say you shouldn't bail on people, if you say you're going to go somewhere you should go. However, if this other party isn't formal, and just a house party or whatever, I think you are fine to tell the host you can no longer attend. 

If you want to make a six hour drive to visit your friend. Your OP makes it seem like you don't really want to go because it's far and you won't be there very long. 

Another thing to think about, wouldn't you rather plan another trip where you can spend more time with your friend? At a baby shower, you don't get to interact with the mom to be very much, because she has other guests to visit with too. It's really your choice what you plan to do. Etiquette wise, I think you'd be fine either way.

ChemFanatic25

huskypuppy14 said:

Am I not reading this right? From what I can gather, the OP accepted an invitation to another party BEFORE she knew the date of the baby shower. Just because she said she would go to her best friend's baby shower,  doesn't mean she has to put her life on hold until they have a date. 

Don't we always say you shouldn't bail on people, if you say you're going to go somewhere you should go. However, if this other party isn't formal, and just a house party or whatever, I think you are fine to tell the host you can no longer attend. 

If you want to make a six hour drive to visit your friend. Your OP makes it seem like you don't really want to go because it's far and you won't be there very long. 

Another thing to think about, wouldn't you rather plan another trip where you can spend more time with your friend? At a baby shower, you don't get to interact with the mom to be very much, because she has other guests to visit with too. It's really your choice what you plan to do. Etiquette wise, I think you'd be fine either way.

In my OP I explained that I accepted an invite to a party that Friday (It's not formal - just a celebration for something) and then i recieved an invite from my friend for her bridal shower that was to be the next day. If I went to both, I'd be driving 12 hours (to and from) to my friend's for a visit that would be less then 24 hours. Yes, I'd be staying over but because of her pregnancy she has been going to bed a lot earlier like 8 PM and waking up later, around 9 AM so that leaves very little quality time for me to spend with her. Plus a whole bunch of our friends were also invited to stay over. So I am now planning on skipping the other party because my boyfriend is already going and he said that the person who invited me will understand which means I can travel Friday and see my friend for an extra day.

 

I originally was very stressed out because I was in a minor accident and I also was having to pay for a large medical bill I was not anticipating. I have now calmed down (thankfully) and everyone's responses have been very helpful.

 

Normally I don't mind too much driving the 12 hours (I do it about 2-3 times a year) but because of everything that happened yesterday I was freaking out and the last thing I wanted to do was drive 12 hours and shell out a lot of money for a trip that would be less than 24 hours. 

kvruns

are you going to get to see your friend for any more time than just the 1-2 hours of the party?  If I'm driving 12hours I'd much rather it be on a random day where my friend and I can hang out vs having to "fight" for attention during a small party window. I can't think of any showers I've been to where I got to spend any quality time with the guest of honor, and I can't imagine driving that far for a few minutes of hanging out time

ChemFanatic25

kvruns said:

are you going to get to see your friend for any more time than just the 1-2 hours of the party?  If I'm driving 12hours I'd much rather it be on a random day where my friend and I can hang out vs having to "fight" for attention during a small party window. I can't think of any showers I've been to where I got to spend any quality time with the guest of honor, and I can't imagine driving that far for a few minutes of hanging out time

I hope I can. I mean baby showers are only a couple hours long, right? I don't know. I'll be leaving Friday evening as long as the weather is kind and so I'll have all of Saturday with her and our other friends. There won't be a lot of one-on-one time because we always get together as a group. But I'm okay with that. I'd prefer that over being there for a shower, heading to bed, and waking up and leaving the next day.

MyNameIsNot

I'd rather go another weekend. Unless you've already spoken with her and made plans to hang out one-on-one at a different time during the weekend, I would assume she's not going to be available except for the 2-3 hour duration of the shower, while her attention is split between all the guests.

Yes, babies are important, but if I was choosing between seeing my best friend only at her shower or for a whole different weekend, the different weekend would be a no-brainer for me. Of course, this assumes that there really is a different weekend available for both of you and that you're willing and able to travel.