Oy, what a week... just need to vent (mostly about SFIL)

melbenso

MIL was in the hospital this week with a blood clot in her lung.  She was released yesterday, but I've found myself playing non-professional social worker, family counselor, and medical transport for the past two days.  Her husband, my step-father-in-law, has his own medical issues and has serious mobility issues because of them.  Some of these mobility issues are legitimate and would be there no matter what.  Some of them are because he isn't making any effort to do what he needs to do to take care of himself - like his physical therapy to recover from his surgeries late last year.  MIL takes care of him completely.  And she can't now, because of her own medical issues (which at least are not helped by the stress he puts on her).

We got the call that she was in the hospital Tuesday evening.  She drove herself there and checked herself in on doctor's advice.  H and I took Wednesday off of work to go see her and take care of her.  But we ended up spending most of the day taking care of him.  He had a doctor's appointment.  He isn't physically capable of driving right now, so MIL asked if we could take him to the appointment. This, in and of itself annoys me, because he has kids who live in town and my husband should have been spending time with his hospitalized mom rather than carting his step-dad around to appointments.  His kids should have been taking care of that. 

We ended up spending 7 hours getting him to his appointment and waiting for the appointment to end (he didn't know the doctor's name, what time the appointment was at, or where the doctor's office was, so we went to the wrong location.  He has no mental deficiencies that would prevent him from being able to manage this information, he just doesn't bother with it because she handles all this stuff for him.)  We spent 2.5 hours with MIL at the hospital.  We left earlier than we wanted to because he wanted to go home - despite the fact that I told him repeatedly that we planned to spend at least 4 hours with her and if he was too tired to go, we would take him home first.  He literally pitched a fit in her hospital room because we weren't leaving when he wanted to.  He also complained about the manner in which I was pushing his 300 pound self around the hospital in a wheel chair (while making fun of other overweight people he saw.)  I got so fed up with it, I told him that I could leave him right there in the hall and he could get himself around the hospital if he preferred.  On the way home, he wanted us to stop at the store to get him snacks that his doctors says he can't eat and got very sulky when we declined (refused) to do so. It was completely exhausting for H and I.  I don't know how she does it and I am seriously worried about her mental health from the stress he puts on her.

Yesterday was better, mostly because I got to actually take care of MIL.  H doesn't have a lot of paid time off, so I took the day off to pick her up from the hospital.  I went in early and met with her and the hospital social worker to get home care set up for both of them.  I also had a long talk with MIL about how it's ok to be overwhelmed by taking care of SFIL - H and I had a hard time doing it for one day and there were two of us in much better health.  I convinced her to get in touch with her former therapist and schedule an appointment because I am very concerned she is dealing with serious depression.  This woman is such a neat freak, she used to clean our bathroom for us when she'd cat sit when we were out of town.  Now her house looks like its been taken over by hoarders. We've got a social worker and a home health nurse coming to evaluate both of their medical needs.  I'm working to get them both home health aids (though I am tempted to call SFIL's son to ask him to step in and deal with getting SFIL's health aid set up - I don't know how appropriate it is for me to be doing that).

And to top it all off, my very sweet cats decided I didn't need to sleep last night, so I am still exhausted today.

MIL is home.  I got all her prescriptions.  H and I are going to the hospital to get her car, pick up the remainder of her prescription, and go grocery shopping for them this weekend (and we aren't buying stuff that isn't on their doctors' approved eating lists). 

My darling husband took me out to dinner last night to thank me for taking care of his mom. But I need a nap.  And wine. Stat.

AddieCake

That sounds very frustrating and sad. Vibes that brighter skies are ahead for her (and for him even though he's being a jerk). 

KatieinBkln

Oof. This is heavy stuff indeed.

You're doing everything right, as far as I can tell. Someone needs to tell SFIL to man up and get his shit together because his wife can't pick up the slack right now. (Probably your H and/or one of his bio-kids.) I strongly suspect there are some un-diagnosed mental health problems on his end that are hindering (if not fully preventing) him from helping out more. Even if it's just textbook learned helplessness, I think getting a social worker and home health aides in that house are the exact right things to do. Your poor MIL can't do this anymore--a blood clot in the lung is really serious, and she cannot be expected to deal with her husband's neediness while she recovers. 

levioosa

I am sorry you guys are dealing with this.  I think you are taking the right steps by getting home health aids and social workers.  It's also good that your MIL made an appointment with her counselor.  I get that SFIL has health problems, but he kind of just sounds like a general ass all around.

alpacalunch

Yeeeahhhh this sounds familiar.

OP, my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons in the early 90s. My mom has had her own health issues since a few years later. Both on a decline, but a slow one. 

My mom has taken care of my father more and more as time went on, and eventually that impacted her health (the stress and the physical strain). She's had a few bouts of hospitalization, some for weeks at a time. During those times, I've gone home to help out with him, and make her life easier (and visit her obv). Most of these times it's pretty easy, as when the pressure is on, he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, save for certain activities.

I feel that you SFIL is like my dad, in that if you give him a millimeter, he'll take an inch, then it's quickly a mile. "Wait, why are you suddenly not capable of bringing your dinner plate back to the kitchen, but you're able to go to the corner store to buy yourself ice cream and a mocha?"

A lot of it is learned behaviour, and I've found that with long-term illnesses it's easy to get into a funk about what you're able to do. And when that is enabled, when you're told 'don't worry, I'll do that, you rest', the tiniest things seem out of your hands. And with my dad, that's when the depression kicked in. 

So he can be an ass. Inconsiderate. Tactless. Selfish. And it's hard to be around him a lot of times. But when he acts like a toddler, he also forgets that he's a grown man, and able to do most things for himself. A few years ago, my mom talked it out with him. He realized how little he was doing, and how much it put on her. He's been better (sometimes). 

I know they've recently hired a PSW to come in a few times a week to help tidy around, do the 'heavier' chores like laundry, and odds and ends that are tougher for them. It's taken so much stress off of them both, and worth every penny. If that's something that they can look into, even temporarily, I can't recommend it enough.

TL; DR It's hard as fuck dealing with family, and harder when they have their own shortcomings. Sorry for the novel.

melbenso

Thanks for the support and positive vibes.  It is appreciated.

climbingsingle

That is very frustrating! 

sal2015

Good luck with everything and best of health to your MIL. It sounds like you are doing everything right and that you are a great daughter-in-law. Rest up and take care!

[Deleted User]

This sounds exactly like my dad as well. I no longer have a relationship with him but know his sister took him in after my parents split, and had to put up with a lot of this type of stuff! The unwillingness to do anything for himself, cranky, stubborn toddler like behavior (coupled with health problems that he could do more about... I mean the exact same problems about not paying attention to doctors appointments, etc )

I understand what helped at home was honestly setting rules. If he wanted certain things, he would have to contribute, and if he wants to live in her house he has to keep track of his bills and doctors appointments. He was really taking advantage of her, and it was just plain shitty.

Anyway, am hopeful that it will get your MIL some help and things get better!

larrygaga

If you think about it, probably the best thing for her was to keep her stress low by caring for him. ❤️

novella1186

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry. Hugs. It sounds like you handled it all really well, and you're doing all the right things. I hope things take a turn for the better now.