The great ring bearer debate...

mrsbanany

FI and I do not have any young children in our family (at least none close enough that we would include them in the wedding).  I have nannied for two little boys for the past 3 years. I was with the oldest, 3yrs old, since he was an infant.  I have been very close with this family, they are like my own. I want to have them be ring bearers in our ceremony.  The younger one won't even be two by the time the wedding rolls around so we aren't counting on him doing anything, he's just "included" because his brother is. The older one will be almost 4 at the time of the wedding.  FI is ok with them being ring bearers since we have no family to take on that role.  However, the logistics of things are proving to be problematic.  Our ceremony is at 9:30am and is in a church. I cannot imagine those two sitting though the whole thing.  So would it be odd to have them just walk down the aisle and then leave the church? Should I find something for them to do? Additionally, our rehearsal dinner was extremely difficult to book, due to the large size of the party and it being peak tourist season.  We were only able to get something at 8:00pm.  That is past their bed time. I don't feel right asking to include these boys in the wedding and then not having at least their parents come to the rehearsal dinner.  I was thinking of either hiring a sitter for the night or sending food to their hotel for them.  Finally, I am not sure what they would carry down the aisle. I am not a huge fan of the pillow or signs and obviously they would not carry the real rings.  I saw an amazing rope basket on Etsy (the wedding is nautical themed) that I would love to have them carry but I am not sure what to put in it. Would that be too much of a flower girl type roll...we aren't having a flower girl. My florist suggested a rope with flower garland but that would require the definite participation of the younger one which we cannot count on due to his age. As you can tell I am all over the place with this.  I can totally not have them be in the wedding party if it is too complicated (I haven't mentioned this to his parents yet) but I do think it would be adorable and special to have them participate.  Any help is much appreciated. 

Jen4948

If you don't think they can manage a cushion with fake rings on it, then they could just go down the aisle, providing they can get up and down it without being carried and without using wagons, carriages or strollers. They don't have to actually carry or hold anything.

Not sure about the rehearsal dinner. Ordinarily, yes, even small children in the wedding party have to be invited with their parents, and they must all also be invited to the reception as well. I'd speak to their parents and find out what they think the best ways for their sons to participate are and plan accordingly.

mlg78

I'm bothered that you expect the children to leave the ceremony after they walk down the aisle despite them being part of the wedding party.  This comes across to me like they're just there part of the show...  

chibiyui

Honestly, if they're not going to carry anything, I'm not sure why you'd have a ring bearer. I'd just get pictures with them.

Also, you are inviting the parents and the kids to the ceremony and reception right? 

manateehugger

We were going to have our ring bearer carry a family Bible until he was really disappointed he didn't get to carry a pillow like they do in the movies - so my mom sewed up a pillow for him to carry 2 days before the wedding. It was pretty adorable.  

I'm worried about the ages of these kids based on what you're describing. How old are they? Our RB was 6 and managed to sit with his parents just fine for our 30 minute ceremony. The general advice around here is if the kid can't describe to you his role, he shouldn't be doing it.

For the rehearsal dinner, I would just express your concern to the parents and ask if there is anything you can do for them, offering to find a sitter or to send over food.

mrsbanany

I think they can manage a cushion with rings on it, I just want to see if there are other things they could carry.  At the time of the wedding they will be almost 4 and 1 1/2.  The younger one will obviously not be participating, he's at the point where everything his brother does is the coolest thing ever so we will be "including" him so that its equal between the two.  The ceremony is also a full mass so about 45min to an hour long, thats a super long time for a 4 year old to sit through without some sort of tv show on. There is also no way a 1 1/2 year old can do it. I would love for them to stay through the ceremony but I feel like they are just at the age where it will be hard for them.  For the other weddings he was in, he sat with me in the basement of the church watching shows on my iPad.  They are all invited to the reception. 

Dreamergirl8812

mrsbanany said:

I think they can manage a cushion with rings on it, I just want to see if there are other things they could carry.  At the time of the wedding they will be almost 4 and 1 1/2.  The younger one will obviously not be participating, he's at the point where everything his brother does is the coolest thing ever so we will be "including" him so that its equal between the two.  The ceremony is also a full mass so about 45min to an hour long, thats a super long time for a 4 year old to sit through without some sort of tv show on. There is also no way a 1 1/2 year old can do it. I would love for them to stay through the ceremony but I feel like they are just at the age where it will be hard for them.  For the other weddings he was in, he sat with me in the basement of the church watching shows on my iPad.  They are all invited to the reception. 

What these kids do during your wedding ceremony is not your decision. Their parents have been raising them, they are fully capable of determining whether they can sit through mass.

As for the RD, I would invite them and their parents. If they decline (probably cuz their kids need to be in bed) then I think it would be very nice for you to send dinner to their hotel or something like that. Although I'm not sure how you would order their room service for them...

MairePoppy

Most ring bearers don't carry the real wedding rings. You could have pillow made for that basket and tie fake rings to it. Or they could carry teddy bears, dressed in sailor outfits to go with your nautical theme.

The parents will probably appreciate you having a quiet room set up for the boys at the church.You could provide a fun basket with snacks, coloring books and small toys. If they don't need the quiet room, the basket can be moved to your reception. If you'd like to help with child care, invite a sitter of the parent's choice to your wedding.

You should invite the parents and boys to the RD, even though the children probably won't be able to attend. If you want to provide a meal, ask the hotel if you could buy a gift card for room service or a local restaurant that delivers.

Some priests don't allow very young children to participate in weddings. Make sure you check with your priest before you ask the parents.

[Deleted User]

Here are my recommendations

• Have their parents seated in a way that once the boys get to the end of the isle they can go to the end of the row & then be greated by one of their parents and taken by the parents to go sit with them. I made special wedding themed activity bags for the kids that came to our cermony that included fruit snacks (quiet & clean snack) and a wedding theme coloring book w/crayons (orientaltrading.com). I know there was something else in there too, but I can't remember. If the kids start getting to the point where they need to be removed, then the parents can leave if they need to. But you never know, since it's you that's getting married, you may have the boys undivided attention the whole time.
• Make sure you get any photos you want with them prior to the ceremony
• Make sure the boys have breakfast
• Invite the boys & the parents to the rehersal dinner. After they get the invite talk to them and let them know you realize that this is past the boys bed time but you would like to offer to hire a sitter for them so that they can attend the dinner or at least have food sent up to their rooms for them
• Keep the boys outfits simple (preferably not tuxes) so that the parents don't have to worry about returning them the next day or keeping track of something they boys will hate wearing.

southernbelle0915

This sounds like more hassle than it's worth. Why have a ring bearer? The cute factor? I don't get it.

We didn't have one. The best man just handed the rings to the officiant. No fanfare. Done and done.

badbnagdway

southernbelle0915 said:

This sounds like more hassle than it's worth. Why have a ring bearer? The cute factor? I don't get it.

We didn't have one. The best man just handed the rings to the officiant. No fanfare. Done and done.

I agree. A ring bearer is not a requirement for a wedding ceremony. I'm not really sure why people think you have to have a ring bearer and/or flower girl. 

OP, you can't not invite them to the RD, and you have them exit after they walk down the aisle. Trust that their parents know what is best for the kids. If the RD is too late in the evening, they won't bring the kids. If the kids start acting out during the ceremony, they'll take the kids out themselves. Don't worry, it's going to be ok.