RD issue

MadHops21

So we went to our caterer meet and greet/tasting yesterday (4 exclusive caterers for our venue, all were there to see what each were about really before going for an official tasting with them) and FMIL asked about the RD. 

Now, FMIL has never offered to do anything for the wedding yet, and I didn't really know how to approach the subject. FI wants nothing to do with it because he gets yelled at by FMIL about everything, so he'd rather I talk directly to her. 

FMIL was talking to FI about how she thought it was her responsibility for the RD, but my dad has offered to do it at his home with pay for everything. That was a good plan to me, but now it seems FMIL wanted to do it but never said anything, and now I believe she's upset (from the FI said). 

FI said FMIL wants to do lunch with me in the future, but how do I approach the subject of the RD? I don't want to expect her to do it, and I don't want to ask her to do it, so how does this get worded? Should I let her do it if she offers? My dad already seems set with doing it at the house, but I don't want FMIL feeling like she isn't part of her son's wedding. 

flutteringinfl

Honestly, I think despite your FI's objections it's still his responsibility to broach such a topic, and if he does so it should be worded in such a way that makes it clear he is NOT asking or expecting her to pay for it.

FI's mother told me shortly after we got engaged that her and FFIL want to contribute, but I still didn't feel right saying, "Yeah, okay, how much will you give us?" FI wasn't sure how to broach the topic either so he said nothing, and I still felt like it wasn't my place to step in.

novella1186

flutteringinfl, your FI needs to (and can) talk to his own mother. 

Traditionally the grooms' parents usually hosted the RD, but times have changed and it's definitely not a requirement. 

It sounds like your dad is pretty set on it already. It's fine for him to host it. And with how complicated the communication is with your FMIL, I'd honestly prefer for dad to do it instead of FMIL. 

There are many other ways she can contribute if she wants to, and definitely many other ways for her to be involved. Don't go mixing up all your plans and making things more stressful than they need to be just because she wasn't clear on wanting to host a dinner. 

MadHops21

flutteringinfl said:

Honestly, I think despite your FI's objections it's still his responsibility to broach such a topic, and if he does so it should be worded in such a way that makes it clear he is NOT asking or expecting her to pay for it.

FI's mother told me shortly after we got engaged that her and FFIL want to contribute, but I still didn't feel right saying, "Yeah, okay, how much will you give us?" FI wasn't sure how to broach the topic either so he said nothing, and I still felt like it wasn't my place to step in.

This is how I feel. He and his mom fight, so he wants nothing to do with talking to her about this. It's a pain since it's his mom and I don't feel comfortable around her, but he won't help in that aspect. But I know since it's his mom, he needs to talk to her. 

It feels weird asking her how much she wants to give us, where she wants it, etc. My dad has already offered, which is great and I'll accept, but I don't want FMIL feeling left out. Apparently, FI said his mom is the type not to talk much about offering things. It's not helping if she wants to help, I can't read her mind, so I don't know what she expected...

MadHops21

novella1186 Exactly! He needs to talk with his own mother, but they can butt heads a lot. I understand that, but I cannot talk to her about how to handle her own money. I know the old tradition was for groom's parents to host, but we're not following the traditions really, so I didn't expect her to step up and do it. 

My dad is actually excited about the RD. The house is getting $170k+ remodeling, and I know he wants to have parties, and that's totally fine with me. He's paying for food, a violinist, and other party supplies, and FMIL never spoke about it until yesterday. I just don't know if I should tell me dad never mind and let FMIL do it instead. 

VulgarGirl

Dude needs to grow a pair and deal with mommy.

Yes, that sounds mean, but for real "We fight so I'm just not going to talk to her ever and make my future wife talk to her for me" is not a grown-up way to deal with issues. And getting married is what grown-ups do. 

He needs to talk to his mom and say "Hops dad is planning on hosting the RD at his place, since you hadn't mentioned anything before we didn't think you were interested in hosting it", is there something else she can host to feel like part of the wedding planning? Maybe a brunch the morning after? 

MadHops21

MagicInk said:

Dude needs to grow a pair and deal with mommy.

Yes, that sounds mean, but for real "We fight so I'm just not going to talk to her ever and make my future wife talk to her for me" is not a grown-up way to deal with issues. And getting married is what grown-ups do. 

He needs to talk to his mom and say "Hops dad is planning on hosting the RD at his place, since you hadn't mentioned anything before we didn't think you were interested in hosting it", is there something else she can host to feel like part of the wedding planning? Maybe a brunch the morning after? 

Ohhhhhh that's good! I didn't even think about that. My parents are known for being socials and parties, while FI's parents aren't the type of people to go out as much, so I didn't think she'd even be interested in RD.

And yeah, it gives me a twitch in the eye when he tells me I should just talk to his mom directly instead of being the middle man. 

blabla89

If you want her to host/help with the RD then your FI needs to be the one to communicate with her about it. You need to know her budget, how many people she is planning to host, what kind of place she has in mind, etc.

If you would rather just skip it and go with what your dad has offered, then that's fine. Just say, "FMIL, that is so generous of you to offer, but my father has offered to host the RD and we've already accepted." If she says she wants to be involved, then there are plenty of other ways you can involve her.

ETA: What @magicink said is great (I missed her reply)

banana468

MadHops21 said:

MagicInk said:

Dude needs to grow a pair and deal with mommy.

Yes, that sounds mean, but for real "We fight so I'm just not going to talk to her ever and make my future wife talk to her for me" is not a grown-up way to deal with issues. And getting married is what grown-ups do. 

He needs to talk to his mom and say "Hops dad is planning on hosting the RD at his place, since you hadn't mentioned anything before we didn't think you were interested in hosting it", is there something else she can host to feel like part of the wedding planning? Maybe a brunch the morning after? 

Ohhhhhh that's good! I didn't even think about that. My parents are known for being socials and parties, while FI's parents aren't the type of people to go out as much, so I didn't think she'd even be interested in RD.

And yeah, it gives me a twitch in the eye when he tells me I should just talk to his mom directly instead of being the middle man. 

Listen to @MagicInk‌. She's smart. Your FI needs to deal with this.

kvruns

if your dad already has a violinist and stuff planned for the RD I would not change that plan or say JK dad you're not hosting it anymore.  If MIL wants to contribute, perhaps she can help pay for food or drinks there.  Or another aspect of the wedding (bar tab? cake? DJ?) but I think it needs to be clear the RD is already planned and taken care of.

FI needs to man up and deal with his own mom.  It sucks they fight but you can't be the go-between for everything (thinking more of future like if you had kids, etc) 

MadHops21

kvruns said:

FI needs to man up and deal with his own mom.  It sucks they fight but you can't be the go-between for everything (thinking more of future like if you had kids, etc) 

This. I usually plan everything, like going out for dinner, movies, hanging with friends (his friends). If it was up to him, he'd work all the time. I need to remind him to be social. And his mom is pretty stressful and I can't deal with her for everything just because FI doesn't want to fight with her. Their communication with each other is pretty bad and needs to be worked on. I can't even think about what the future would be like if this continues. He needs to work on it now. 

lovegood90

MagicInk said. Also, I think it's important to set the boundary now with your Fi that he should be the one who will be dealing with his mother. I would not be up for a lifetime of being the middleman while he simply avoids her. ‌

OliveOilsMom

As I was reading this thread I was going to suggest wording similar to MagicInk's.  If your FI sticks to the wording that she used, will his mom still yell at him?  If she tries to yell, FI should just repeat the line about her not being interested in hosting it previously. 

Would your FI be open to counseling on how to deal with his mom himself.  He needs to learn some techniques on how to deal with her, so that it doesn't always end in yelling from both parties.  If not counseling, perhaps some books on the subject?

[Deleted User]

If you've already accepted your dad's offer and he's made plans and arrangements it would be rude to make him change plans, eat deposits, etc. now.

He simply needs to tell his mom that your dad offered and the offer was accepted. 

It's not your fault, or your fiance's fault that his mom won't speak up when she wants to do something or make an offer.  That's on her.  When someone REALLY wants to do something, they find a way to do it.  I know people who are pretty scared to speak in public but they get over it because they have message they care about delivering- they find a way to make it work because they CARE.  On things they don't care about, or aren't as passionate about, they don't volunteer as a speaker or decline offers. 

This works the same way.  If your FMIL REALLY wanted to do this, she needs to own that and step out of her comfort zone to offer.  If she can't, then it's her problem that she didn't get to do something that she wants- not yours and not your fiances.  Don't borrow other people's problems / trouble / guilt.

MadHops21

FeeleyToBe said:

If you've already accepted your dad's offer and he's made plans and arrangements it would be rude to make him change plans, eat deposits, etc. now.

He simply needs to tell his mom that your dad offered and the offer was accepted. 

It's not your fault, or your fiance's fault that his mom won't speak up when she wants to do something or make an offer.  That's on her.  When someone REALLY wants to do something, they find a way to do it.  I know people who are pretty scared to speak in public but they get over it because they have message they care about delivering- they find a way to make it work because they CARE.  On things they don't care about, or aren't as passionate about, they don't volunteer as a speaker or decline offers. 

This works the same way.  If your FMIL REALLY wanted to do this, she needs to own that and step out of her comfort zone to offer.  If she can't, then it's her problem that she didn't get to do something that she wants- not yours and not your fiances.  Don't borrow other people's problems / trouble / guilt.

There hasn't been deposits yet (it's next June, 2016) but he talked to the violinist about her rates and seeing if she did special events like a RD for it, so the ball is rolling for it. 

I just don't know if she assumed she was doing it, or wanted to do it but didn't say anything. June apparently is the busiest time of year to do weddings, so I'm trying to get everything down (major vendors) now so I have my date with them. I don't know if she wants to participate in other things, like food or drinks or photographer or what have you. I can say that my dad already has planned the RD, but do I continue with asking her if she wants to contribute? I don't want her feeling pressured into doing something, but I don't want her to just keep quiet again and not tell me until it's too late again. How uncomfortable this lunch will be. 

luckya23

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I also find it extremely awkward to talk about actual numbers for this stuff, but I've tried to think of it like, is she my ideal match in a MIL?  Nope, but she's still going to be family, hopefully for a long time.  

Don't put so much pressure on yourself for the lunch.  If she called the meeting, she probably intends to discuss contributing, whether it be the RD or whatever.  You have plenty of time at this point, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not think she's so late in offering help!  

ETA: FMIL only calls me at this point, even though there is no drama with her son.  She just know that he doesn't like talking on the phone and I'm more likely to have the answers she wants anyway!

MadHops21

luckya23 said:

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I also find it extremely awkward to talk about actual numbers for this stuff, but I've tried to think of it like, is she my ideal match in a MIL?  Nope, but she's still going to be family, hopefully for a long time.  

Don't put so much pressure on yourself for the lunch.  If she called the meeting, she probably intends to discuss contributing, whether it be the RD or whatever.  You have plenty of time at this point, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not think she's so late in offering help!  

ETA: FMIL only calls me at this point, even though there is no drama with her son.  She just know that he doesn't like talking on the phone and I'm more likely to have the answers she wants anyway!

Exactly this. She stopped asking FI questions about the wedding planning since he doesn't want to be extensively involved (he'll help choose, but doesn't know numbers or dates or much else). I'm okay with this, I can plan the wedding, but FMIL knows to ask me instead of FI for times and dates of things, like this open house we had yesterday with our venue. He totally forgot about it until the night before the actual date of it, so she knows I'm the best person to ask questions. I just don't want her to be passive aggressive with me. 

novella1186

I don't think this needs to be a big deal. If she brings the topic up at lunch with you, "My dad has already started plans for the RD. But thanks so much for offering!" 

If she starts to get shitty about it, you stay calm and polite and say, "We're excited to include you in our plans. Is there something else you'd like to be involved with?" 

If she is stuck on the rehearsal dinner, just repeat the lines above or change the subject entirely. 

"My dad has already started plans for the RD. Hey did you see that thing on the news about X?!" 

MadHops21

novella1186 said:

I don't think this needs to be a big deal. If she brings the topic up at lunch with you, "My dad has already started plans for the RD. But thanks so much for offering!" 

If she starts to get shitty about it, you stay calm and polite and say, "We're excited to include you in our plans. Is there something else you'd like to be involved with?" 

If she is stuck on the rehearsal dinner, just repeat the lines above or change the subject entirely. 

"My dad has already started plans for the RD. Hey did you see that thing on the news about X?!" 

I have yet to bean dip on the wedding. I finally get to do it! 

If she was the type to get angry, it'd be easier to handle. She would just be passive aggressive about it and sad. I don't like disappointing people, but if you never often, then I'll never know. I can't read minds. 

flutteringinfl

luckya23 said:

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I also find it extremely awkward to talk about actual numbers for this stuff, but I've tried to think of it like, is she my ideal match in a MIL?  Nope, but she's still going to be family, hopefully for a long time.  

Don't put so much pressure on yourself for the lunch.  If she called the meeting, she probably intends to discuss contributing, whether it be the RD or whatever.  You have plenty of time at this point, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not think she's so late in offering help!  

ETA: FMIL only calls me at this point, even though there is no drama with her son.  She just know that he doesn't like talking on the phone and I'm more likely to have the answers she wants anyway!

My future in-laws actually do tend to contact me for info on some stuff (confirming when we're coming to visit, etc) because they know I'm the "planner" in the relationship. But I still think a discussion about contributions needs to be between the parent and child. If she really wants to be involved, OP, she needs to be explicit, and if it's really important to her, she will be. Otherwise, just go ahead with your plans and don't stress.

MadHops21

flutteringinfl said:

luckya23 said:

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I also find it extremely awkward to talk about actual numbers for this stuff, but I've tried to think of it like, is she my ideal match in a MIL?  Nope, but she's still going to be family, hopefully for a long time.  

Don't put so much pressure on yourself for the lunch.  If she called the meeting, she probably intends to discuss contributing, whether it be the RD or whatever.  You have plenty of time at this point, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to not think she's so late in offering help!  

ETA: FMIL only calls me at this point, even though there is no drama with her son.  She just know that he doesn't like talking on the phone and I'm more likely to have the answers she wants anyway!

My future in-laws actually do tend to contact me for info on some stuff (confirming when we're coming to visit, etc) because they know I'm the "planner" in the relationship. But I still think a discussion about contributions needs to be between the parent and child. If she really wants to be involved, OP, she needs to be explicit, and if it's really important to her, she will be. Otherwise, just go ahead with your plans and don't stress.

Sounds good to me. I don't want to pull teeth to know what she wants to do, and I don't want her fighting with FI for not speaking up for what she wants. I'll have him talk to her without fighting and go to that lunch. I just don't want to seem like I'm expecting something. 

KatieinBkln

MadHops21 said:

My future in-laws actually do tend to contact me for info on some stuff (confirming when we're coming to visit, etc) because they know I'm the "planner" in the relationship. But I still think a discussion about contributions needs to be between the parent and child. If she really wants to be involved, OP, she needs to be explicit, and if it's really important to her, she will be. Otherwise, just go ahead with your plans and don't stress.

Sounds good to me. I don't want to pull teeth to know what she wants to do, and I don't want her fighting with FI for not speaking up for what she wants. I'll have him talk to her without fighting and go to that lunch. I just don't want to seem like I'm expecting something. 

Cutting down on quote tree.

Just popping in to say that I've found the best route to go with passive-aggressive people is the overly literal and upfront one. Ignore any heavy sighs, speak with enthusiasm about anything she suggests she might want to do, and--and I can't stress this enough--stop worrying about what she might really be thinking. Take her at face value, waste none of your time trying to "decode" her. Expect that she means what she says and says what she means. She won't, of course--but if you approach her as if everything she says and does is in good faith, she has no cause to be upset with you, and you're free to do what you want. 

Free yourself of the "well she said it was okay but I know she's upset..." trap. If an adult is upset, an adult expresses herself with words. When she doesn't, she doesn't get to claim that anyone mistreated her. 

kvruns

luckya23 said:

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I feel like that is the wedding industry in a nutshell, which drives me crazy.  We went to a bridal show yesterday solely to talk to DJs because we still need one (and free cake/appetizer samples) and FI is handling it because I don't want to and have done most of the other vendor stuff and DJ just isn't priority to me.  At the show they kept looking to me for answers and I let him speak up - he can tell you the date and venue, the bride doesn't have to!  One vendor was trying to set up a time for a phone call and FI is like "yea 5:30 on Wed is ok" and the vendor looks at me and goes "is that ok with you"?  I go "he's an adult he can figure out when to have a phone call on this" .  shessh

luckya23

kvruns said:

luckya23 said:

My FMIL thinks that wedding planning is exclusively my territory, and in fact sort of objects to her son being involved, so I feel you on the awkward money conversations!  My FMIL is pushy, though, so while it took her a bit to get involved (December 2014 for a June 2015 wedding), she asked if she could do the RD and what else hadn't been paid for that she could help with (flowers and cake, btw).  She made the appointments for flowers and cake and I made FI come with us, which she was a little weird about.

I feel like that is the wedding industry in a nutshell, which drives me crazy.  We went to a bridal show yesterday solely to talk to DJs because we still need one (and free cake/appetizer samples) and FI is handling it because I don't want to and have done most of the other vendor stuff and DJ just isn't priority to me.  At the show they kept looking to me for answers and I let him speak up - he can tell you the date and venue, the bride doesn't have to!  One vendor was trying to set up a time for a phone call and FI is like "yea 5:30 on Wed is ok" and the vendor looks at me and goes "is that ok with you"?  I go "he's an adult he can figure out when to have a phone call on this" .  shessh

Tell me about it - in my case, I don't want to plan a wedding, either!!  FMIL let her parents plan everything, so to her it's like a mix of me, her, and my mother who should do all the work.

I mentioned to her that I was having trouble getting ahold of our minister, so I asked FI to call the next day.  She called me 10 min later to say she had called and left a msg for minister and gave me his personal email address (which she got wrong, btw).

Miracle of miracles, FI actually did call the next day, but now minister for some reason thinks he should go through FMIL - and actually called her when we were "late" to our meeting!!

novella1186

MadHops21 said:

novella1186 said:

I don't think this needs to be a big deal. If she brings the topic up at lunch with you, "My dad has already started plans for the RD. But thanks so much for offering!" 

If she starts to get shitty about it, you stay calm and polite and say, "We're excited to include you in our plans. Is there something else you'd like to be involved with?" 

If she is stuck on the rehearsal dinner, just repeat the lines above or change the subject entirely. 

"My dad has already started plans for the RD. Hey did you see that thing on the news about X?!" 

I have yet to bean dip on the wedding. I finally get to do it! 

If she was the type to get angry, it'd be easier to handle. She would just be passive aggressive about it and sad. I don't like disappointing people, but if you never often, then I'll never know. I can't read minds. 

Well then let her pout. That actually sounds like my mom-- the heavy sighs and sadness when things don't go her way. I have no patience for it. Adults don't get to pout and if they do, they get no sympathy from me. 

KatieinBkln's advice is so perfect. Do that! And ignore her pouting and sad woe-is-me routine. She does that for the purpose of making you feel guilty and making you cave in to all her whims. Don't reinforce bullshit behavior. Continue on as if everything is great and keep being enthusiastic about the plans. 

Set that boundary NOW so that you don't spend your life re-planning and accommodating her every time you didn't read her mind and she failed to express what she actually wants, so she pouted. Nope. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

ETF words 

MadHops21

novella1186 said:

MadHops21 said:

novella1186 said:

I don't think this needs to be a big deal. If she brings the topic up at lunch with you, "My dad has already started plans for the RD. But thanks so much for offering!" 

If she starts to get shitty about it, you stay calm and polite and say, "We're excited to include you in our plans. Is there something else you'd like to be involved with?" 

If she is stuck on the rehearsal dinner, just repeat the lines above or change the subject entirely. 

"My dad has already started plans for the RD. Hey did you see that thing on the news about X?!" 

I have yet to bean dip on the wedding. I finally get to do it! 

If she was the type to get angry, it'd be easier to handle. She would just be passive aggressive about it and sad. I don't like disappointing people, but if you never often, then I'll never know. I can't read minds. 

Well then let her pout. That actually sounds like my mom-- the heavy sighs and sadness when things don't go her way. I have no patience for it. Adults don't get to pout and if they do, they get no sympathy from me. 

KatieinBkln's advice is so perfect. Do that! And ignore her pouting and sad woe-is-me routine. She does that for the purpose of making you feel guilty and making you cave in to all her whims. Don't reinforce bullshit behavior. Continue on as if everything is great and keep being enthusiastic about the plans. 

Set that boundary NOW so that you don't spend your life re-planning and accommodating her every time you didn't read her mind and she failed to express what she actually wants, so she pouted. Nope. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

ETF words 

That's the thing, I hate when people do that. My mom has been doing that since I can remember. I just ignore her and my dad makes fun of her (super healthy family relationship my family has). I just ignore people when they get pouty, like "tough shit". I don't feel right doing that to FMIL, but I'm not standing sad sighs. I've recently cut out a friend in my life because that's all he did for attention, sad sighs and passive aggressiveness. I cannot stand it. 

KatieinBkln

MadHops21 said:

novella1186 said:

MadHops21 said:

novella1186 said:

I don't think this needs to be a big deal. If she brings the topic up at lunch with you, "My dad has already started plans for the RD. But thanks so much for offering!" 

If she starts to get shitty about it, you stay calm and polite and say, "We're excited to include you in our plans. Is there something else you'd like to be involved with?" 

If she is stuck on the rehearsal dinner, just repeat the lines above or change the subject entirely. 

"My dad has already started plans for the RD. Hey did you see that thing on the news about X?!" 

I have yet to bean dip on the wedding. I finally get to do it! 

If she was the type to get angry, it'd be easier to handle. She would just be passive aggressive about it and sad. I don't like disappointing people, but if you never often, then I'll never know. I can't read minds. 

Well then let her pout. That actually sounds like my mom-- the heavy sighs and sadness when things don't go her way. I have no patience for it. Adults don't get to pout and if they do, they get no sympathy from me. 

KatieinBkln's advice is so perfect. Do that! And ignore her pouting and sad woe-is-me routine. She does that for the purpose of making you feel guilty and making you cave in to all her whims. Don't reinforce bullshit behavior. Continue on as if everything is great and keep being enthusiastic about the plans. 

Set that boundary NOW so that you don't spend your life re-planning and accommodating her every time you didn't read her mind and she failed to express what she actually wants, so she pouted. Nope. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

ETF words 

That's the thing, I hate when people do that. My mom has been doing that since I can remember. I just ignore her and my dad makes fun of her (super healthy family relationship my family has). I just ignore people when they get pouty, like "tough shit". I don't feel right doing that to FMIL, but I'm not standing sad sighs. I've recently cut out a friend in my life because that's all he did for attention, sad sighs and passive aggressiveness. I cannot stand it. 

I mean, it's not a punishment. It's just normal adult interaction. Try to frame it that way to yourself if you start feeling guilty about not coddling her. It sounds like you're already a practiced professional with this in other areas of your life--you can do it!