Why are multiple day bachelorette parties becoming a thing now? Update in the comments.

mikenberger

...I don't want them to be a thing!

I'm in a wedding a month after mine. Yes. I understand that everybody gets one day. I get one day. She gets one day. Woo. One day. So I am getting married on 5/1. I'll be off work 4/29-5/15 ALL UNPAID. She decided that she wants a weekend resort from Thursday PM-Saturday PM (my first full week back at work after being gone 12.5 days) then a bar crawl back in our hometown on Saturday PM. It'll take 4hrs Thursday to get to this cabin, then 4hrs back. AND it's Memorial Day weekend. So chances are the lake will be packed and the roads as well. I said, combined with my time off unpaid, then working 3.5 days, then being off another 1.5 days unpaid, then a holiday on Monday (which is also unpaid) I couldn't take 15.5 days unpaid in one month. So I opted out of it- said I would be more than happy to help facilitate the bar crawl here in town. Another bridesmaid also opted out of it as well as she's located on the East coast and we are in the Midwest. So that leaves the bride, MOH and the bride's underage sister. The Bride got pissed, as did the MOH "Well, we can't have a bachelorette with 3 people." so the MOH said "I'll have to talk with the Bride to see what she wants to do." 

She gets back to me "The bride has decided she wants to go to (another lake 3hrs away) the following weekend.". Friday-Sunday and forgoing the bar crawl in town. The long distance bridesmaid immediately bows out, leaving me to tell the MOH "NO." again. Why are these a thing? Fucking Lifetime and WE and those stupid made for TV movies showing women jet setting to Vegas or whatever for a Bachelorette party. I don't want to spend an entire weekend away after being gone for my wedding/honeymoon and how busy I've been with 2 jobs, social life, wedding planning etc. And then I'm essentially tying up every single weekend for five weeks between my wedding/honeymoon and her wedding. 

I just don't know what to do. I feel awful not going to her bachelorette since she did such an amazing job on mine. But I just know I need to be able to crash at some point after everything is said and done. I'm not a person that likes to go go go for weeks on end. And don't get me started on her planning her own Bachelorette party. If I don't go to her bachelorette, I know I'm going to get the guilt trip from Hell and she's going to attempt to make my life miserable. She's not a terrible person, but wedding planning has brought out quite the Bridezilla side of her. 

What.To.Do.

LondonLisa

"I'm sorry but I will be unable to attend. I hope you have a wonderful time".

You already said you can't go for an entire weekend. If the MoH pressures you, just repeat "as I said before, I can't take off an entire weekend. I'm happy to organise something local, otherwise I hope you guys have a great time away". DO NOT let her guilt you into going. 

I think the Bride/MoH are really, really rude. Her clue that her plan was crap should have been when only 3 people could bail. 

Remember, this is a party! You are going to be there for the actual wedding. Even if she cries to all of Christendom, she is an adult being upset over someone not being able to make her party. No adult should be throwing their toys out of the pram over a silly party. You need to stay grounded and just ride it out.

I agree, multiday parties are a little silly. It is fine if one would like to have a weekend away, but one certainly cannot be upset for others not being able to attend.

floridabride44

If most of the people invited to a bachelorette party live near each other, I think an OOT multi-day extravaganzas would be silly (which sounds like your situation)

But if all of the bridal party is spread out, it makes sense to pick a central location, since all/most will be traveling anyway. And at that point, it would be silly to fly in for one night and then leave, so an all-weekend thing makes it more worth it. It really just depends on the situation. 

Sounds like your friend just needs to decide - is it more important for her to have an OOT party, or to ensure all her friends can attend? There's no wrong choice, but if she chooses OOT she can't get upset when people can't come.  

My MOH threw me an OOT bachelorette because my BMs are scattered around the country. There was one girl I knew might not be able to make it (she's getting married in April - so she's in a similar maxed-out vacation time situation as you) and we would have missed her if she didn't come, but I would have understood and put no pressure on her to come whatsoever. Luckily, she's an awesome friend and wanted to make it work, so she did!

climbingsingle

My friends took me away for the weekend. It was a 3 hour drive upstate and they all rented a house. But this is something common we do in my group, especially because a few of us are spread around the area. I had a few friends that weren't able to attend, and I totally understood. One friend couldn't afford it. Another friend couldn't leave her kids. I was in no way upset. 

All you need to do it keep reiterating that you can't go. It's that easy. She can get over it. 

mikenberger

Well, I'd like to think that I'm an awesome friend and would do a lot of things to make it work, but we're all centrally located. The one bridesmaid that's out - she's originally from here and is just roaming the East coast "Finding herself"... there's really no reason to have an OOT bachelorette party. She just believes that she should have this huge elaborate bachelorette party, which is why she's planning it and her MOH is supporting her in that decision. I guess I'll be the troublesome bridesmaid and bow out of this and offer something local again.

floridabride44

mikenberger said:

Well, I'd like to think that I'm an awesome friend and would do a lot of things to make it work, but we're all centrally located. The one bridesmaid that's out - she's originally from here and is just roaming the East coast "Finding herself"... there's really no reason to have an OOT bachelorette party. She just believes that she should have this huge elaborate bachelorette party, which is why she's planning it and her MOH is supporting her in that decision. I guess I'll be the troublesome bridesmaid and bow out of this and offer something local again.

Yeah if you're all centrally located (except one) and she's still trying to plan something OOT, you're not the troublesome one, she is. If she's going to complain about you not being there, she should agree to something in town. Girl needs to figure out her priorities - OOT party, or party that more people are willing/able attend?

Like PPs have said, just keep telling her you can't go. Nobody can be forced to go to an OOT bachelorette party, and nobody should be made to feel badly if they can't make it!

southernbelle0915

BECAUSE WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This trend is annoying to me as well. Bach parties aren't even necessary in the first place. Then to plan some trip that's going to cost close (or over) a grand is pretty ridiculous. 

People are always trying to out-do/one-up each other, so a longer, bigger, better, further way, mostest youneek-est trip wins! The more pics you post to Facebook, the more fun you had, too!!

annathy03

Yeah with only one OOT bridesmaid something local and one night just makes more sense.  When I was living in the midwest every bachelorette was a single night of barhopping and it was a blast, I don't understand why people think they *have* to do some multi-event or OOT party.  <--- And that's from someone whose bachelorette party happened to be in Vegas (I along with the girl who organized it live here, and everyone from OOT stayed at my house).

Junebug2015

Bachelorette weekends do not bother me. I love to travel. My friends love to travel. We live all over the country and it's as good as an excuse as any to see each other and explore a city. I also am fortunate that vacation days are not really an issue for me and that my circle doesn't expect some kind of ridiculous royal treatment aside from people showing up and having a good time.

The problem is that SOME brides (and some over-aggressive MOH/bridesmaids) view these as mandatory events where everyone is expected to go all out - bottle service at a club, high-end hotel, etc. That trend of bachelorette weekends is not cool.

bananasplit472001

A Bachelorette party is not even mandatory much less an OOT one.  I would honestly just not go and make it known that you cannot.  Both me and my FI bachelor/bachelorette parties are out of town and over a weekend but NOT because we requested it.  Our bridal party just said that we were having them and did not ask for any input.  I think that it is strange that the bride literally requested an OOT party.  If she really wanted an OOT party she should have just thrown her own bachelorette party and paid for it herself.  This way she is demanding everyone pay for her extravagant wants.

mikenberger

Instead of messaging the MOH that I couldn't do the weekend long party, I messaged the Bride (Since this is what she wants to do and she's just planning the party through her MOH). I explained my situation, said I would be happy to help plan something local and maybe we could do the cabin stuff in the summer after I'm a little more settled in my job (I'm on a contract - unknown if I'll get another after May 30) and maybe make it a big group thing with our group of friends. I got back an extremely short email "OK I'll tell her to stop messaging you." I feel absolutely awful. I know she's upset, but I just can't do a weekend long celebration. I also don't know why I care so much at how upset she is with me. Because I know I'm working well within my "rights?" (lack of a better term) on being in the bridal party. I guess I just wish I could do more for her like she did for me. Wah boo all the beer. 

Dreamergirl8812

Weekends away are common for my circle. I think part of it is that we're all kinda split in half between northern and southern California. We did a joint bachelorette in Palm Springs with one of my BMs who was getting married 3 weeks after me.

One of my BMs didn't come. Was it because of money, taking time off, hanging out with a bunch of women she doesn't really know? I have no clue because I never asked for an e

I know this is not exactly your situation, so in your case I would try to make part of the bachelorette if possible. Or take her for a girls night out just the two of you. '

Hopefully her bridezilla-ness will disappate when she stops being a bride???

Also, "okay I'll tell her to stop messaging you" may have come across as more terse than she intended. Tone in written messaging and all that.

abl13

I agree that these need to stop. If I'm going to go on a multi-night vacation its going to be with my husband, not a group where I'm not even friends with >half the people there. My BM's all live in separate places so I just told them no bachelorette party and I felt like that was much less stressful for everyone.

EllieAugust

I think OOT bachelorette parties are totally fine.  What is not fine is making anyone feel guilty about not going (for any reason).  I had an OOT 3 bachelorette party, it was awesome!  Some people couldn't come, and that was totally fine.  Just like some people can't come to my wedding

OOT girls trips are something my friends love and make a priority.  So when the BMs chose to plan it, an OOT party made total sense to all of them.  They made sure everyone knew the costs prior to agreeing to go.  I think as long as everyone is given the information, they can make and OWN their choice.  It would never have occured to me to make anyone feel bad if they couldn't go. 

I would stop apologizing for not being able to go. Maybe offer her a fun girls night out (in town) anotehr weekend.

kvruns

She should understand you will be missing a lot of work and don't have the days to take off extra for another weekend away. The wedding I was in last year originally wanted a weekend away and it was a week after a vacation I already had booked and said I wouldn't be able to make it bc I couldn't take more time off work.

[Deleted User]

Don't go. If she's an adult she'll get over it. If she's going to be a pouty bitch for the rest of however long, I wouldn't put up with it. I'd probaby distance myself until they could grow up.

lovemesomemonster

I'm so sorry she's making you feel bad about this! Not everyone can swing extra days off work/funds for a weekend away and that should be OK. My best friend got married last summer and we went to Vegas, she had me in N. Idaho, another girl in Montana, and two in Oregon with her. It made sense to get a weekend away for all of us and guess what? Only 3 out of the 5 of us went, and that was OK! 

For mine we are going wine tasting in Sonoma, I have one girl in LA, one in S. Idaho, two in Oregon, and I'm in N. Idaho so again, it makes sense because we are all spread out. If someone can't make it that's fine! It should be a no stress, if you like to travel come have fun event, not something you feel guilty about if you can't make it.

mikenberger

Yeah, we're all in generally one spot within an hours drive of each other. Minus the one bridesmaid.

So far, she hasn't spoken to me in a week. Just been completely ignoring me. Oh well. Can't do anything about it, I guess.

lovegood90

mikenberger said:

Yeah, we're all in generally one spot within an hours drive of each other. Minus the one bridesmaid.

So far, she hasn't spoken to me in a week. Just been completely ignoring me. Oh well. Can't do anything about it, I guess.

Ugh, that sucks. If a friend would shut me out like that because I can't afford/don't have the vacation time to go to yet ANOTHER party in her honor, she doesn't sound like much of a friend in the first place.

becks0227

I'm in almost this exact situation, except I'm the bride.  Originally my 2 sisters (MOH)  planned a weekend trip about 4 hours away, which is what I wanted.  When it came down to actually booking everything, a lot of my friends couldn't go for one reason or another--money, kids, work, etc.  So my sisters just changed our plans and we are doing one night locally. (My sisters and I are still taking the weekend trip, but just for the three of us )

Honestly I don't think your friend should be upset at all-- everybody can't pack up and travel every weekend!

mikenberger

Hee.

She invited 18 girls for a maximum 12 capacity cabin. 

levioosa

mikenberger said:

Hee.

She invited 18 girls for a maximum 12 capacity cabin. 

Well duh.  The people on the floor should just be honored they were even invited!