MOHs fighting over parties

lilly815

I asked my best GF from high school and my best GF where I live now to be co-MOHs.  I haven't been involved in planning of the bridal shower or the bachelorette party but they both have come to me complaining about it and about each other.  Both MOHs want to plan very different showers and parties.  MOH #1 thinks the shower should be done one way while MOH #2 thinks it should be another way.  MOH #1 wants to plan a bowling "good clean fun" bachelorlette party and MOH #2 wants to plan a blow out night on the town. The other BMs are siding with the MOH #2 because they know her and we're all friends where MOH #1 lives an hour away and doesn't know the rest of the group. MOH #1 is very upset that I have chosen MOH #2 and these other BMs, calling them a bunch of partiers that she doesn't agree with.  She also doesn't understand why MOH #2 wants a specific theme for the bridal shower when things like that at home aren't a big deal.

I have suggested to them both about coming to a compromise, especially with the bachelorette party, maybe bowling in the afternoon and then out on the town later. I even told MOH #1 if she didn't want to go out then she didn't have to. MOH #1 keeps telling me that my party friends are making her uncomfortable and she's upset to be out numbered when it comes to ideas.  MOH #2 is complaining to me that MOH #1 is no fun at all and has criticized her and the other BMs for enjoying alcohol and having fun. I think this has caused a lot of trouble and I didn't want it to be that way.

I don't want to be involved in planning these showers or parties. I don't care what we do but asking these girls to compromise on plans doesn't seem to be working. Help???

climbingsingle

Honestly, I think these women are acting incredibly immature. 

My MOH wanted to plan a bach party for me. She asked me what I'd like to do, and I gave her some of my ideas. I didn't have a bridal party, I wanted only one MOH. But I gave her a list of my closest girlfriends I wanted included. One of my friends was insistent on doing a night in the city, complete with clubs and limos and a hotel. MOH knew I didn't want this. And guess what? They worked it out amongst themselves. I never even knew this came up until months later. 

As you stated, you shouldn't be involved in the planning of these parties. I suggest you tell them to work it out, without involving you. 

lilly815

Thanks for the reply! Do I just tell them both to figure it out but leave me out of it?  I have a feeling that MOH #1 isn't going to be involved in them at all since she's not getting her way, and I hate that she wouldn't be around for that. I also don't want MOH #2 to be a bully because she has a strong personality when it comes to getting her way too.   I haven't asked the other BMs because I am trying to stay out of it.

[Deleted User]

The next time either of them bring it up to you, just tell them to work it out amongst themselves and change the subject.  If one of them isn't involved with the planning or doesn't comes to the shower or the bacherlorette party because they didn't get their way, they need to grow up.

climbingsingle

lilly815 said:

Thanks for the reply! Do I just tell them both to figure it out but leave me out of it?  I have a feeling that MOH #1 isn't going to be involved in them at all since she's not getting her way, and I hate that she wouldn't be around for that. I also don't want MOH #2 to be a bully because she has a strong personality when it comes to getting her way too.   I haven't asked the other BMs because I am trying to stay out of it.

Yes. They are adults, right? 

Maggie0829

lilly815 said:

Thanks for the reply! Do I just tell them both to figure it out but leave me out of it?  I have a feeling that MOH #1 isn't going to be involved in them at all since she's not getting her way, and I hate that she wouldn't be around for that. I also don't want MOH #2 to be a bully because she has a strong personality when it comes to getting her way too.   I haven't asked the other BMs because I am trying to stay out of it.

Yes.  These two people are adults (even though not really acting like it) so they can figure this out without your interference.

And if MOH #1 doesn't want to be involved or doesn't want to attend then that is her choice.

lilly815

Thanks to everyone who replied.  I am just so bummed that this is happening but I guess I should have known before asking these two MOHs that something like this would happen based on their personalities.   I will tell them to work it out and leave me out of it.

novella1186

Why doesn't one plan the bach party and the other plan the shower, if they're too immature to compromise on anything? I don't get why they keep butting heads and then running to you to complain. This all sounds silly to me, and totally unnecessary. 

lilly815

Because MOH #1 and MOH #2 have different visions.  From what I can understand, MOH #2 wants to do a nicely decorated theme shower where MOH #1 think it's crazy to go out for a shower.   I learned today from a BM that basically MOH #1 and MOH #2 keep fighting because of life differences.  MOH #1 planned her wedding in 2 days and got married in a backyard to hide her pregnancy without any of the extras and and MOH #2 had the big blow out wedding, showers and parties, so it sounds like they both want to plan what they know/had.

MOH #1 also has said to the BMs she didn't get any of the bridal showers and parties so she doesn't understand why the group wants to plan a big blow out for me.  I have decided the next time they speak to me about this to just tell them to figure something out amongst themselves, but from what one of the BMs told me today, it sounds like MOH #1 may just drop out altogether so I dunno.

I feel like I should just say no to the parties and showers if they are going to continue to fight and complain like this.

redoryx

lilly815 said:

Because MOH #1 and MOH #2 have different visions.  From what I can understand, MOH #2 wants to do a nicely decorated theme shower where MOH #1 think it's crazy to go out for a shower.   I learned today from a BM that basically MOH #1 and MOH #2 keep fighting because of cultural differences.  MOH #1 planned her wedding in 2 days and got married in a backyard to hide her pregnancy without any of the extras and and MOH #2 had the big blow out wedding, showers and parties, so it sounds like they both want to plan what they know/had.

MOH #1 also has said to the BMs she didn't get any of the bridal showers and parties so she doesn't understand why the group wants to plan a big blow out for me.  I have decided the next time they speak to me about this to just tell them to figure something out amongst themselves, but from what one of the BMs told me today, it sounds like MOH #1 may just drop out altogether so I dunno.

I feel like I should just say no to the parties and showers if they are going to continue to fight and complain like this.

That might be your best bet, even if only to let them know how serious it is that they stop fighting.

But, really, that's the point to giving them each one to plan: they can plan what they want to plan without input from the other person. But that means they need to STFU about what the other person is planning even if they disagree with it.

For the bachelorette party, what do YOU want? You shouldn't be helping plan but you should get some say. Is a big blow out night on the town your idea of fun? Or would you prefer, as my sister called it, "Girls Gone Mild." I'd start there. Give whichever one has an idea that is more in line with your idea of a good time the Bach party and the other one gets the shower. And if they can't agree with that plan or still complain or fight, then just decline all parties.

STARMOON44

As far as I can see the issue is that you prefer number 2's plans and want to go her way, and that's hurting number 1. I think just deal with it that way- hey MOH 1, I know these aren't your favorite plans and I'm sorry you feel left out, but I'm really excited about them. I don't expect you to participate in anything you're not comfortable with. What's most important to me is having you by my side when we get married.

lilly815

I haven't thought that much about what I want with these things because I see them as extras. If this is what my wedding party wants to do for me, I appreciate it. I feel like though that if the BMs are agreeing more with one plan over the other then I would think that the other MOH would concede and support or a compromise would take place. But the issue I'm having is these two fighting and BM telling me today about how it's gotten bad at times when I don't want this to be a bad experience for any one.

I definitely want all of them to be with me not just at the wedding but if they plan a shower then I would love for them all to be there. If someone doesn't show up because they were made to be uncomfortable or didn't get their way or something.

[Deleted User]

I sincerely think that you should tell each of them that you're disappointed they're fighting and would like them to come to some agreement. Ask them (and the BM) not to talk to you about it anymore. 

floridabride44

lilly815 said:

I haven't thought that much about what I want with these things because I see them as extras. If this is what my wedding party wants to do for me, I appreciate it. I feel like though that if the BMs are agreeing more with one plan over the other then I would think that the other MOH would concede and support or a compromise would take place. But the issue I'm having is these two fighting and BM telling me today about how it's gotten bad at times when I don't want this to be a bad experience for any one.

I definitely want all of them to be with me not just at the wedding but if they plan a shower then I would love for them all to be there. If someone doesn't show up because they were made to be uncomfortable or didn't get their way or something.

It's nice that you think that, but unfortunately you can't control these women and how they interact with each other. It's not your fault they are so immature. Do your best to stay out of the drama and let them work it out themselves.

PPs have made an excellent suggestion of having MOH #1 plan the shower and MOH #2 plan the bachelorette. Or the other way around. Then, they don't have to attend the event the other is hosting if they aren't into it. Easy. 

ETA: extra words. 

Jen4948

novella1186 said:

Why doesn't one plan the bach party and the other plan the shower, if they're too immature to compromise on anything? I don't get why they keep butting heads and then running to you to complain. This all sounds silly to me, and totally unnecessary. 

I was thinking this too: they could each plan different parties.

lilly815

I came back to give an update.  I asked MOH #1 and MOH #2 to decide amongst themselves who would plan what party.  MOH #1 isn't going to attend the bacherlorette party that MOH #2 is planning because she will be uncomfortable. But it seems like they are ok with it.  Thanks fellow brides!

southernbelle0915

lilly815 said:

I came back to give an update.  I asked MOH #1 and MOH #2 to decide amongst themselves who would plan what party.  MOH #1 isn't going to attend the bacherlorette party that MOH #2 is planning because she will be uncomfortable. But it seems like they are ok with it.  Thanks fellow brides!

Well at least #1 sounds super duper mature..... That girl needs to grow up.

[Deleted User]

I know as the bride you are not suppose to be a part of the planning, but what would you like to do for your bachlorette party? One thing I appreciated that my BM did was ask me was for ideas of different things I would enjoy doing for my bachlorette or not doing. Based on the different suggestions I gave them, they planned the event. So I didn't plan it, but got to provide input about what I would enjoy doing or not doing. Afterall, isn't a bachlorette party to celebrate the bride & the bride should do stuff she would enjoy.

thisismynickname2

Erikan73 said:I know as the bride you are not suppose to be a part of the planning, but what would you like to do for your bachlorette party? One thing I appreciated that my BM did was ask me was for ideas of different things I would enjoy doing for my bachlorette or not doing. Based on the different suggestions I gave them, they planned the event. So I didn't plan it, but got to provide input about what I would enjoy doing or not doing. Afterall, isn't a bachlorette party to celebrate the bride & the bride should do stuff she would enjoy.

I'm glad the situation has been resolved! I just wanted to chime in, as surely other brides have similar issues. I'm with Erikan73 and redoryx. Several years back, I was a bridesmaid and there was one MOH, but another bridesmaid butted heads with the MOH on all the plans. It was insane. The bride is the sweetest girl ever and had these two e-mailing her all their drama and the bridesmaid was flat out lying about things to boot. In the end, all of us talked the rogue bridesmaid out of her plans by insisting, "But this is what the bride wants, not what you think the bride deserves." I do think the bride should be consulted on what she actually wants, and the bridal party should plan from there, not what they want to do personally. A bride giving her thoughts on what she would enjoy is not the same as the bride planning her own party.