Children/babies at the reception

Knottie15631923

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

plainjane0415

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

You need to stop with this.  The minute you invite guests to your wedding it becomes about them, not you. 

But to answer yor question, let the parents be parents and make the decision as to whether they need to take their child home or keep him/her at the wedding reception.  This is in no way your decision to make.

lovegood90

If you're inviting these children to the ceremony, they need to be invited to the reception as well. It's perfectly fine to not want children present at your wedding, but if you make that decision then that means you can't invite the children to the ceremony or reception. It's all or none, just like with any other guests.

[Deleted User]

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

The way you handle this situation is you don't tell your FSIL how to be a parent, you don't tell them to get a babysitter and you don't tell them when their children leave.  That's incredibly rude.

To the bolded: Seriously?

redoryx

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

You do nothing. They are the parents, they get to decide if they want their child to attend the full reception or not. There is no "appropriate amount of time" and it stops being YOUR day when you start inviting other people. Also, if you only want them at the ceremony because they'll make a cute ring bearer, they stop being people and start being props, which isn't cool. I've seen plenty of kids of all ages stay all night at receptions with, yes, people drinking and it's never been a problem so I'm not entirely sure what the issue is other than you don't want to be upstaged by a baby.

climbingsingle

It's very rude to invite a person to the ceremony and not the reception. And that includes little kids too. It seems like you just want this little kid for a prop for pictures. If he's going to be in your wedding, he needs to be invited to the whole reception, not whisked away after you're done with him. 

Listen, I'm not a kid person. I'm not having my own kids. But your attitude here is very off-putting. It's your wedding. Do you really think you're not going to get enough attention, and that a baby is going to steal it away from you? Seriously? That's an incredibly immature way to think. 

Is this a hill you want to die on? This is someone that will most likely be in your life for a long time. How would you like your relationship to be with her? Because I can pretty much guarantee that if you treat her and her children like this, you're going to damage your relationship with her. 

Invite her children. Let them stay for the entire event. You probably will barely notice them there. Trust me. 

LondonLisa

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

Here is a step by step guide to handle the situation

1.) Call your FSIL and ask if you can meet for coffee

2.) Once she gets there (or you can talk over the phone) beg for forgiveness for being so selfish and entitled. Say that of course you would love her children there. 

3.) Realise you are using her children as props and making it unbelievably inconvenient for her and acting terribly rude

4.) Hope to God you haven't irreparably damaged your relationship with your sister-in-law for acting so immature

Either invite both of them to the whole day or don't invite them at all. It is terrribly rude to use a child as a prop (ring bearer) and not invite them to the actual party. A wedding is 1 event and you cannot dictate who comes to which part. Guests (whether adults or children) are invited to the entire event.  It is fine to have a child-free wedding, but then those children should never have been invited to the ceremony in the first place, and certainly shouldn't have been asked to be honoured in the wedding party. You made your bed by already asking them, there is absolutely no way you cannot have those children invited for the entire night without looking like a total wanker to your new in-laws. 

What is the appropriate amount of time? Will you set an egg timer and then get up in your gown and kick her children out? You are essentially saying "I don't trust you enough as a mother to know when is an appropriate time to take a child home in the evening"

Reread your sentence about a baby taking attention from you. It sounds like this:

mikenberger

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

It doesn't matter what you FEEL about it being or not being appropriate for a child to be there the entire reception. It's not your kid. You don't get to tell other people how they should parent their child. 

A good way to handle the situation? "Well, we hope to see everybody there!" And move on from this. A local babysitter won't help because then they're leaving their 9 month old with a STRANGER. Someone the child doesn't know, someone the parents don't know. They're going to entrust one of their children to a stranger? Nope. Not at all. 

You're being unreasonable. Especially if you're having other children attend the reception. You can't single out just the baby of the group. If you invite one sibling, you must invite all the siblings (unless you have a sibling who is an adult - which is a whole different conversation.).

You don't want to start off on the wrong foot with your FSIL. And banning her child from the reception is going to do just that for you. Pick another battle. Trust that she'll take her child out of the reception should the time come necessary. 

And ditto: It is NOT your day when you involve other people. Your reception is to thank these people for taking time out of their day to celebrate and for their continued love and support of your relationship. Not for you to decide what children attend and how a parent should parent their child. 

arrrghmatey

I also don't like children. I mean, I *really* don't like them. And even I see this as wrong, wrong, WRONG. The PPs have covered it already, but just to reiterate:

Either invite the children for the entire wedding event (ceremony/reception) or don't invite them at all. It is rude an inappropriate to dictate that anyone, even children, can only stay for a specified amount of time. 

Just don't do the babysitter thing. Most parents, especially those from out of town, will not be comfortable with a stranger watching their young children. Let your SIL make the call as to whether she wants to have a babysitter or not come at all. 

And FYI, as I mentioned before, I don't like kids. Yet I'm having my 7 nieces and nephews present for the entire wedding event. And I'm not at all worried about them 'stealing my spotlight.'

bethsmiles

She is the parent so it's her call whether or not it's an appropriate environment for her children. Also your reasoning of wanting the attention on you and not a baby is incredibly shallow and self-centered. It's not like people are going to actively ignore you for the baby, that's just a ridiculous fear.

A good way to handle the situation is to apologize to your FSIL and tell her that of course her children are welcome to come to the reception.

Personally, I think your FSIL would be perfectly justified in refusing to come if her children are not invited to the entire event because you are essentially just wanting to use them as props. You don't have to invite the children at all but then you can't use them in the ceremony just because they are cute and it fits some vision you have. If you invite them you must treat them like any other guest and that means allowing them to attend the entire event.

ohannabelle

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

Yep. That will happen. People will probably completely forget why they came, and go over and admire the baby and say polite things during the course of ordinary socializing, and for those 2 or 3 minutes, they won't be looking directly at you. Your wedding will be ruined.

Guest A: Hey, who's that girl in the giant white sparkly dress?

Guest B: Who the hell cares! Did you see that baby? Yeah, that's what it's all about!

Seriously?

No. You don't get to regulate the "appropriate" amount of time the children are at the reception, because you're afraid they'll steal your thunder. If the parents are functioning competent human beings, they can decide if the environment is too loud or if they need to protect their children from intoxicated guests. Anything else is rude. 

It isn't your job or your problem. Nobody's going to ask you to babysit.

The only other option would have been not to use the oldest child in your wedding party, and make the entire event adults only. But it sounds like the invitation has already been extended, so that's not an option.  

thisismynickname2

ohannabelle said:

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

Yep. That will happen. People will probably completely forget why they came, and go over and admire the baby and say polite things during the course of ordinary socializing, and for those 2 or 3 minutes, they won't be looking directly at you. Your wedding will be ruined.

Guest A: Hey, who's that girl in the giant white sparkly dress?

Guest B: Who the hell cares! Did you see that baby? Yeah, that's what it's all about!

Seriously?

No. You don't get to regulate the "appropriate" amount of time the children are at the reception, because you're afraid they'll steal your thunder. If the parents are functioning competent human beings, they can decide if the environment is too loud or if they need to protect their children from intoxicated guests. Anything else is rude. 

It isn't your job or your problem. Nobody's going to ask you to babysit.

The only other option would have been not to use the oldest child in your wedding party, and make the entire event adults only. But it sounds like the invitation has already been extended, so that's not an option.  

The bolded are my sentiments exactly, but Ohannabelle is always the most eloquent. 

NowIAmSyp

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

flantastic

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

Your SIL gets to decide how to parent her kid. Her "threat" not to come at all is exactly the decision that other parents who are invited without their children (or "with" but with the incredible inconvenience of a forced curfew for the kids) have to make.

Your other guests who are invited without their kids may decide to come, or they may decide it's not worth it and decline your invitation. Your SIL has decided it's not worth it if her kids aren't actually invited to the whole event, and has told you that she would decide to decline your invitation, as is the prerogative of any guest.

You've just added the insult of making it clear that the only reason her kids are invited is because you think they should be cute at the appropriate times.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie15631923 said:

Back story: My future sister-in-law has a 3 year old from her previous marriage who my fiance and I would like to include in the wedding (he's family now after all). We thought he would make the most adorable ring bearer. She also just had a baby which will be 9 months old by the time our wedding rolls around.

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

What we need advice about: We've expressed our wishes to my sister-in-law but she is insisting that her children be at the reception the entire night or she just won't come at all. We don't want it to come to this because we really want her there along with the little ones for the appropriate amount of time. What is a good way to handle this situation? Should we suggest a local babysitter since they're not from the area? Would we be the ones to pay for it or could we suggest that we split the cost? Or should we just stick to our guns and have them figure it out on their own?

The 3 year old and the 9 month old will be just fine at your reception. . .even amongst loud music, dancing, and *gasp* drunks!   This is really a silly excuse for not wanting to invite them to the reception.

The real reason you don't want to invite them to the reception- so the attention will be on you and not the baby- is immature and ridiculous, frankly.  Please re-read what you wrote and see if you can see how ridiculous that sounds coming from an adult.

jacques27

I skimmed over the OP too quickly.  I was about to give kudos to the OP for recognizing that the children do need to be included in the reception, but then remind the OP that she is not the parent and it is not her place or responsibility to parent the children.  She should assume that this woman knows what her children can or cannot handle and take care of them appropriately (and *gasp* drunk people! - really?  You've never seen children at an Applebee's or other restaurant that serves alcohol?).  Besides, at this point she's probably saying the children will stay all night just out of spite when the reality is the children will get tired and a little cranky and one or both of the adults in the couple will beg out early to put the little ones to bed.

But then I read back over the special snowflake part where it's really about not wanting anyone to take attention away from the OP.  I will never understand this mentality.  You realize this is the day you're getting married, right?  That's still happening.  People will still remember that happened even if they see a little kid toddle past them.  And that you are inviting all of these people to SHARE with you?

If the focused attention on you is really what you're after, there are cheaper ways to do it than getting married.  Go audition for a play or star in your own one woman show.  Take up comedy or slam poetry and invite people to open mic night.  That way the focus will be on you and you don't have to go to the hassle or expense of legally binding yourself to another person and buying dinner for your friends and family to get it.

Couggal12

I had an adult wedding, but, two people brought their kids under 1 even though they weren't invited. It didn't bother me one bit during my wedding. I didn't even notice one of them crying during the ceremony. You will be focused on so many other things that I promise you having children at your reception won't be a big deal at all. Also, it's not your place to suggest a babysitter. Your FSIL will figure out what she wants to do on her own. 

teddygirl9

Just came in to say, if she actually has a 9month old and a 3 year old, I would highly doubt that she would stay for the entire 5 hour time anyways. If you're having an evening wedding, and the reception is going until 10pm or later, that baby would be PTFO. Although now that you told her not to stay for the entire time, she might just do it out of spite lol. Just apologize, tell her that both herself and her kids are welcome for the entire reception. I'm sure it would be fine, and you wouldn't even notice.

PrettyGirlLost

teddygirl9 said:

Just came in to say, if she actually has a 9month old and a 3 year old, I would highly doubt that she would stay for the entire 5 hour time anyways. If you're having an evening wedding, and the reception is going until 10pm or later, that baby would be PTFO. Although now that you told her not to stay for the entire time, she might just do it out of spite lol. Just apologize, tell her that both herself and her kids are welcome for the entire reception. I'm sure it would be fine, and you wouldn't even notice.

And if the baby is already asleep, then you party on!

yellowdaisies84

First of all, I'm just curious. This future sister-in-law of yours, is it your fiances sister? Or is it your brother's fiancee?

Anyway, here's my two cents. It's really nice that you want to include your nephew in your wedding. I'm sure that he will be a very adorable ringbearer, although I'm with some PP that is not the best/only reason to ask a child to take such a special role in the wedding. Doesn't matter though, it's really up to you what your reasons are. 

So you don't want the kids to stay for the entire reception. I would give you these things to think about:

1.) Consider if you want to let the parents decide for themselves how long they feel the kids should stay at the reception for. 

2.) You admitted honestly your thought about 'it's our day and we want the attention to be on us, not the new baby.' I give you props for being so honest on here and admitting what you are really thinking. That being said, it made me cringe. If that's how you guys truly feel then I'm sure you feel like you can't help but feel that way. But, think about it. Maybe it's something that you could reconsider if you gave it some hard thought. I can't imagine feeling that way myself but everyone is different and I do realize and respect that. This is your wedding, you will have a lot of attention on you. Everyone is there to see you get married. Any of your guests who enjoy looking at/talking to other guests (whether a 9-month-old baby or not) are not taking anything away from the experience of you feeling like the center of attention. I am really skeptical of the baby being there having any negative effect on you. Personally, I did have a baby about that age at our wedding and they left early to go back to the hotel. I didn't worry about it, I loved having her there, and I was happy to think of the parents having a good time- I left it up to them if they wanted to bring her or come without her and leave her with a baby-sitter and so that's what i'd recommend to any couple planning a wedding. There's so much to plan- do you really also want to have to plan this as well? Just think about it.

Okay, so you already asked them if they could leave with the kids early. She didn't like that suggestion and she told you that if that's the situation that it might not work for them to come at all. So you still feel strongly that you want to keep asking her not to have the kids stay late but you're trying to think about options- should you provide baby-sitting, contribute toward baby-sitting, give her a number to call? Or just leave it how it is now with her making the decision to either not come or leave with the kids early?

Yes you could do that- either by leaving it up to her if she wants to get a baby-sitter or not and welcoming her to stay at the reception with her kids if she prefers or let you know if she wants you to help with finding/covering the cost of a sitter. 

The easiest thing to do is get in touch with her again and tell her that you've thought about it and if she thinks it's best for the kids to stay into the reception then you're okay with that. Tell her that if she'd enjoy herself more if the kids could stay with a baby-sitter after a certain time that she should let you know because you can hire someone trustworthy and even contribute toward the cost. Let it be her decision. (You may even want to apologize to her in case you've been stressing her out about this.) Then don't worry about this anymore. I'm sure you have enough on your plate! If you can't do this then honestly, I respect that. You can't lie about how you feel and I get that. Just give it some more thought. Even though it's an honour to attend a wedding and have your child in the wedding party, it can also be work/a hassle so it's nice when a bride is grateful and willing to work with you and what works best for you and your family. 

VulgarGirl

yellowdaisies84 said:

First of all, I'm just curious. This future sister-in-law of yours, is it your fiances sister? Or is it your brother's fiancee?  Could also being her sister's fiancee. We try to be inclusive on TK and remember that homos get hitched too.

So you don't want the kids to stay for the entire reception. I would give you these things to think about:

1.) Consider if you want to let the parents decide for themselves how long they feel the kids should stay at the reception for.  This is basically the only opition. The parents get to make any and all parenting decisions.

Okay, so you already asked them if they could leave with the kids early. She didn't like that suggestion and she told you that if that's the situation that it might not work for them to come at all. So you still feel strongly that you want to keep asking her not to have the kids stay late but you're trying to think about options- should you provide baby-sitting, contribute toward baby-sitting, give her a number to call? Yeah, it's really not the bride's call on if the parents choose to use a sitter. They sure as shit don't get to give the parents a number and say "Call these people to watch your kids". You invite the kids, they get to stay for the whole thing.Or just leave it how it is now with her making the decision to either not come or leave with the kids early? That's not an option either. If the kids are invited, the parents decide if they leave early. If the kids aren't invited, then they don't show up period.

Yes you could do that- either by leaving it up to her if she wants to get a baby-sitter or not and welcoming her to stay at the reception with her kids if she prefers or let you know if she wants you to help with finding/covering the cost of a sitter. Once again, nope, she really can't do that because it's rude as fucking shit.

The easiest thing to do is get in touch with her again and tell her that you've thought about it and if she thinks it's best for the kids to stay into the reception then you're okay with that. Yes, the best thing to do is tell the parent, it's their right to make any and all parenting decisions and you're very sorry for your earlier comments. Tell her that if she'd enjoy herself more if the kids could stay with a baby-sitter after a certain time that she should let you know because you can hire someone trustworthy and even contribute toward the cost. So here's some apparently new info for you, parents know how to go about getting a sitter lined up. They're parents. No need to let her know she can use a sitter. 

I'm not saying it's terrible advice....you're mostly on the right track here. Just a few lanes over.

levioosa

Anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception. This includes children. Asking a child to be a part of the ceremony only to kick them to the curb afterwards turns them in photo props for pictures. You are devaluing them by declaring they're only good enough to make your pictures look good, and that they're not worth celebrating with. Although the child *might* not totally understand what is happening, their parents definitely will, and it's going to negatively impact your relationship with them. Trust the parents to parent appropriately and remove the children if necessary. But it's their call, not yours.

Also, no one is going to outshine you. It's completely ridiculous that you even have that concern. If you continue with that attitude you are heading full steam ahead towards bridezilla territory.

PrettyGirlLost

levioosa said:

Anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception. This includes children. Asking a child to be a part of the ceremony only to kick them to the curb afterwards turns them in photo props for pictures. You are devaluing them by declaring they're only good enough to make your pictures look good, and that they're not worth celebrating with. Although the child *might* not totally understand what is happening, their parents definitely will, and it's going to negatively impact your relationship with them. Trust the parents to parent appropriately and remove the children if necessary. But it's their call, not yours. Also, no one is going to outshine you. It's completely ridiculous that you even have that concern. If you continue with that attitude you are heading full steam ahead towards bridezilla territory.

Watch out!  You don't want to be judging or threatening people here!

mrscomposer

So let me get this straight, OP - if you have this 9mo old baby at your reception, you're worried that people aren't going to be paying attention to you the whole night?  The minute you invite more than...oh, three people to your wedding, people aren't going to be paying attention to you the whole night.

Are you going to think your wedding is ruined if people visit with each other instead of staring at you the whole time?  Please. 

Besides.  There is a long, LONG history of kids falling asleep at weddings and parents carrying on doing what they're doing.

VulgarGirl

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

Anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception. This includes children. Asking a child to be a part of the ceremony only to kick them to the curb afterwards turns them in photo props for pictures. You are devaluing them by declaring they're only good enough to make your pictures look good, and that they're not worth celebrating with. Although the child *might* not totally understand what is happening, their parents definitely will, and it's going to negatively impact your relationship with them. Trust the parents to parent appropriately and remove the children if necessary. But it's their call, not yours. Also, no one is going to outshine you. It's completely ridiculous that you even have that concern. If you continue with that attitude you are heading full steam ahead towards bridezilla territory.

Watch out!  You don't want to be judging or threatening people here!

We are not here to judge. Or point out etiquette blunders.Or tell people they're wrong. Or curse. Or be sarcastic. Or tell people the honest truth. Or keep them from becoming bridezillas.

Wait...what the fuck are we even doing here?

delujm0

There was a 9 month old baby at my ceremony, cocktail hur, and part of the reception (his parents brought him to a sitter they hired at the hotel around 8pm, without me requesting anything of them). There was no receiving line to greet him.  He was also my nephew and i was happy to have him there. no one pulls focus from the bride and groom at a wedding.  ever.  you need to get over that OP. 

 

Since this is your FSIL and you will have her in your life for a long time, i'd simply apologize and tell her that of course her children are invited to the reception for as long as she wants them to be there.

alpacalunch

Not your kids, not your choice.

Wanna give them the number of a local babysitter? I'm cool with that. Let the parents do what they feel is best. And with you treating their kids like this, they may just pass on your wedding. Wouldn't blame them.

SP29

All guests invited to the ceremony need to be invited to the reception. It's not cool to invite kids to be cute props for the ceremony and then make them skidaddle when you've had your fill. 

It is not your responsibility, or your business, to decide what is an appropriate time for children to stay at the reception. That is a parent's job. We had our 7 year old nephew and 2 year old niece as part of our wedding party, and at the reception. There was an open bar! *gasp*. My niece and nephew were there until about 11pm at night before they went home- my nephew tore up the dance floor and my niece was quite happy dancing with my SIL. No children were harmed in the execution of our wedding . 

As for the attention- do you seriously think EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR GUESTS is going to stand in a line up oohing and ahhing over the baby instead of you? Even if they did, you can't tell your guests what to do. Some people may be trying to talk to you all night, others may hang back. Some guests might never leave their table. Some guests might leave early. No one's attention is going to be on your 100% of the entire event. 

levioosa

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

Anyone invited to the ceremony must also be invited to the reception. This includes children. Asking a child to be a part of the ceremony only to kick them to the curb afterwards turns them in photo props for pictures. You are devaluing them by declaring they're only good enough to make your pictures look good, and that they're not worth celebrating with. Although the child *might* not totally understand what is happening, their parents definitely will, and it's going to negatively impact your relationship with them. Trust the parents to parent appropriately and remove the children if necessary. But it's their call, not yours. Also, no one is going to outshine you. It's completely ridiculous that you even have that concern. If you continue with that attitude you are heading full steam ahead towards bridezilla territory.

Watch out!  You don't want to be judging or threatening people here!

STOP ATTACKING ME, GAWD.  

mollybarker11

ohannabelle said:

Knottie15631923 said:

Situation: We don't mind the children being at the ceremony (obviously) and we figured they could come to the beginning of the reception to get some food but feel that it would be inappropriate to have them stay for the entire time. It's going to be really loud, 5 hour open bar so you know people will get intoxicated and quite frankly, it's our day and we would like the attention to be on us, not the new baby. 

Yep. That will happen. People will probably completely forget why they came, and go over and admire the baby and say polite things during the course of ordinary socializing, and for those 2 or 3 minutes, they won't be looking directly at you. Your wedding will be ruined.

Guest A: Hey, who's that girl in the giant white sparkly dress?

Guest B: Who the hell cares! Did you see that baby? Yeah, that's what it's all about!

OP - If your budget allows, I recommend hiring a bouncer to screen incoming guests for anyone cuter than you, baby or otherwise. Kick those attention-hogs to the curb.

YogaSandy

The parents will leave with the child when it's appropriate - for them. I'm pretty sure the parents will take the kids to bed when they're tired and cranky - because they realize how important their children's schedules are and they're the ones who will have to deal with the repurcussions of it of they don't (ie a baby who won't sleep all night). They're the parents. They know what their kids can handle and what is appropriate or not for their children.

As to the rest, PPs already covered it.

ETA - when my son was 10 months, I brought him to my cousin's wedding. We attended the ceremony. We ate dinner, danced a bit, listened to toasts, and my mom walked around showing him off. My cousin definitely didnt think he stole any attention away from her. How could he (even though he is the cutest kid in the world); shes the bride! There was an open bar. It was loud. I decided those things were fine - because I'm his mother. We did leave right after speeches, but that was because it was his bed time. I knew if I forced him to stay up late, he'd be cranky and we'd have a horrible night.