Knotties, help me stay strong

flutteringinfl

My mother is convinced that if we don't put some kind of sign or note in the program telling people that we have open seating, they will become confused and upset that we didn't instruct them of what to do. She does not believe that they will be able to figure it out on their own, and promises me that if we don't give them instructions, they will ask her, and then apparently I will owe her a dollar for every person who asks her. I am trying to assure her that our guests are smart and can figure it out on their own, but she keeps saying that NOT telling them would be rude since they may be embarrassed about having to ask.

HELP. It's not that she has control over this, but she's going to bring it up again. And again. Help me be strong and not cave because she's *almost* starting to sound convincing.

(Also she thinks if I don't put the registry info on the Save the Dates that is also rude because people will not be able to figure that out, but I think I'm good at holding my ground on that one)

Cookie Pusher

Are you having ushers? Will your groomsmen be at the ceremony site early? That's how we solved the problem of people getting "confused"... although no one even asked about seating as far as I knew, and sat on whichever side they felt more comfortable.

climbingsingle

This is just open seating for the ceremony, right? 

We did open seating and we didn't have any ushers. All of my guests were able to figure out where to sit. 

FiancB

We didn't have arranged seating, ushers, OR programs and people still figured it out without a hitch. People generally understand that if there are chairs, they should put their butts in them, as opposed to sitting on the flower girl or something. 

We did have arranged seating for the reception since I wanted to make sure people that would like each other/knew each other would be able to sit together (and mostly because FIL hates his sister but she didn't show up anyway). A couple ended up sitting by themselves at another table because a couple other people stole their seats. So, arranged seating is not a guarantee that people will not get confused. 

flutteringinfl

Sorry, yes, I meant open seating for the ceremony. We'll have assigned tables for the reception. I think we'll have to, since it's a plated dinner.

melbenso

We had open seating at our ceremony, no ushers, and no program note or sign indicating that.  Everyone found a seat just fine. 

If she's really worried about it, tell her she can mention it to a couple of family members and let it spread word of mouth, i.e. "Aunt Mary, just so you know, you can sit where ever you like at the ceremony.  Flutteringinfl and FI aren't having a brides' side and a grooms' side."

climbingsingle

flutteringinfl said:

Sorry, yes, I meant open seating for the ceremony. We'll have assigned tables for the reception. I think we'll have to, since it's a plated dinner.

Got it! Yeah, people really will figure it out. I didn't even have programs either. 

novella1186

you just say, "Mom, you are totally right. I'm going to give you a dollar for every person who asks you. Start thinking of what you're gonna buy yourself with all those dollars and quit bringing this up." 

You might end up giving her like $2. But maybe she'll be satisfied that she has "convinced" you and leave it alone. 

flutteringinfl

novella1186 said:

you just say, "Mom, you are totally right. I'm going to give you a dollar for every person who asks you. Start thinking of what you're gonna buy yourself with all those dollars and quit bringing this up." 

You might end up giving her like $2. But maybe she'll be satisfied that she has "convinced" you and leave it alone. 

Lol I like that. I'm not concerned about her bringing it up as much as I'm concerned about her being right, but I knew you ladies would be good at bringing me back. It's pretty easy for me to ask her to drop it. But I am interested in how much I'd end up giving her...even though I think that even if I had to give her $50, it still would be better than putting up a cutesey Pinterest sign.

hellosweetie1015

novella1186 said:

you just say, "Mom, you are totally right. I'm going to give you a dollar for every person who asks you. Start thinking of what you're gonna buy yourself with all those dollars and quit bringing this up." 

You might end up giving her like $2. But maybe she'll be satisfied that she has "convinced" you and leave it alone. 

I was gonna go with this. Unless you think every guest will ask - which clearly you do not - I'd take her up on it. She'll be pleased because you've given her a solution to the "problem", you'll be pleased because she'll quit asking, and you *might* be out $5. 

RebeccaFlower

Maybe I'm missing something? If people think there is a bride/groom's side, then fine, sit on that side. If you don't, sit where you want. Asses go down in seats and there are no signs needed. 

MyNameIsNot

I don't get why she thinks people are going to read the program before they sit down. Isn't the program to give you something to do while you sit in your seat and wait for the ceremony to start? 

I would either agree to give her the dollars or tell her I was going to make a sign and then "forget" about it at the last minute. Unless you think she'd make her own sign. 

KatieinBkln

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

flutteringinfl

KatieinBkln said:

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

Apparently something similar happened to her and my grandmother at her cousin's wedding recently, so that might be adding to her paranoia.

flyingfoxes

We're not going to have a program, or signs.  I figure people will figure it out and sit where they want. 

flutteringinfl

RebeccaFlower said:

Maybe I'm missing something? If people think there is a bride/groom's side, then fine, sit on that side. If you don't, sit where you want. Asses go down in seats and there are no signs needed. 

You're not missing anything. My mother is simply insane.

KatieinBkln

flutteringinfl said:

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

Apparently something similar happened to her and my grandmother at her cousin's wedding recently, so that might be adding to her paranoia.

Okay, details please! Like, your mom and grandmother didn't know where to sit? So instead of just picking a seat they...stood around and made it awkward? Because I don't know how to tell your momma, but...that's a Your Problem situation. 

aliwis000

Isn't every ceremony open seating?

Unless there are specific religious rules for some people, which I do not know about, there are no laws about who is where. Even if it was not "open" and even if you go as far as telling people what row and seat number they are (like at a baseball game) there is nothing stooping people from not sitting where they want. Receptions are different but a ceremony? As long as their are reserved seats upfront for your VIPs to help the logistics of the event who cares.

Did people once upon a time have a 'brides' and 'grooms' side? Sure, but that is starting to fade. Even when that was much more common I still remember ushers being told to "even it out" if it is getting lop sided. I mean, if the bride has a smaller family than the groom it makes no sense to have his side go 20 rows back, but hers only go 6. People want to be able to see and hear. The polite thing is to get people as close as they can comfortably be and who cares what side anyone sits on. Besides, most young people I know never even think about this "rule" because like I said, it is fading. If the older generation wants to stick with sides they still can since it is open.

Bottom Line: This is an odd thing for your mom to get stuck on. I do not see people just walking around pre-ceremony like little Sims bumping into walls and not knowing where to go. Maybe something else is bothering her.

flutteringinfl

KatieinBkln said:

flutteringinfl said:

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

Apparently something similar happened to her and my grandmother at her cousin's wedding recently, so that might be adding to her paranoia.

Okay, details please! Like, your mom and grandmother didn't know where to sit? So instead of just picking a seat they...stood around and made it awkward? Because I don't know how to tell your momma, but...that's a Your Problem situation. 

Nah, it's not that exciting. Basically they sat down, overheard that the side they were sitting on was the groom's side (they were family of the bride's), felt embarrassed, but decided to just stay where they were.

AND THEN THE WORLD IMPLODED.

novella1186

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

flutteringinfl

novella1186 said:

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

KatieinBkln

KatieinBkln said:

flutteringinfl said:

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

Apparently something similar happened to her and my grandmother at her cousin's wedding recently, so that might be adding to her paranoia.

Okay, details please! Like, your mom and grandmother didn't know where to sit? So instead of just picking a seat they...stood around and made it awkward? Because I don't know how to tell your momma, but...that's a Your Problem situation. 

Nah, it's not that exciting. Basically they sat down, overheard that the side they were sitting on was the groom's side (they were family of the bride's), felt embarrassed, but decided to just stay where they were.

AND THEN THE WORLD IMPLODED.

El. Oh. El.

I am sorry that someone felt the need to whisper-snark at them about it. That's shitty.

But then, it's entirely possible that having people on the "incorrect" side might have ruined the photos!!

flutteringinfl

KatieinBkln said:

KatieinBkln said:

flutteringinfl said:

Does she think people will seriously just stand in the aisle wringing their hands, unable to make a choice about where to sit? This will not happen.

If someone does ask her where to sit, it reflects that person's anxiety, not any kind of incorrect hosting on your/your mom's part. 

I would never ask someone where to sit. If I wasn't sure, I'd sit near the back and try to be unobtrusive. But I also wouldn't be worried--what, are the Side Police gonna come and grill me about which half of the couple I know? 

Apparently something similar happened to her and my grandmother at her cousin's wedding recently, so that might be adding to her paranoia.

Okay, details please! Like, your mom and grandmother didn't know where to sit? So instead of just picking a seat they...stood around and made it awkward? Because I don't know how to tell your momma, but...that's a Your Problem situation. 

Nah, it's not that exciting. Basically they sat down, overheard that the side they were sitting on was the groom's side (they were family of the bride's), felt embarrassed, but decided to just stay where they were.

AND THEN THE WORLD IMPLODED.

El. Oh. El.

I am sorry that someone felt the need to whisper-snark at them about it. That's shitty.

But then, it's entirely possible that having people on the "incorrect" side might have ruined the photos!!

I don't think anyone was whispering about them. I think they overheard someone else asking an usher and the usher being like, "Oh, yeah, these are the sides," and realized from the conversation that they were on the "wrong" one.

I really don't think anyone noticed but my mother and grandmother. Which is why the whole idea of sides in general is dumb to me.

novella1186

flutteringinfl said:

novella1186 said:

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

Give her a task. That also helped get my mom to leave me alone. "Hey I need 60 white vases. Can you try to find some on sale and then I'll buy them?" "Do you want to make ties for all the groomsmen? Do you want to pick the pattern and fabric?" "Can you find platters for the desserts? I don't care what they look like. You have good taste. You pick!" 

She REALLY wanted to be involved and do stuff (and she had actually asked a while back if she could make the ties, so she was super excited to get to do it plus she's awesome at sewing so the ties turned out amazing, plus it saved FI and I a ton of money because we had planned on giving ties to the groomsmen anyway just to make things easier for them [$70 per tie to buy the ones we found online or about $6 per tie to buy fabric], so everybody wins!). 

And it took double stress off me cuz she left me alone AND things were getting done; all those little tasks I didn't care about. 

Maggie0829

I have only ever been to one wedding (out of the 25 or so that I have attended) that I was asked "bride or groom?" by an usher.  I actually looked at the dude like he was crazy and quickly said "bride" and then my H said "no we are with the groom."  At that point I rolled my eyes and just sat down.  I then told my H "we know both the bride and groom so what the fuck does it matter?!"

ETA:  All of that is to say, just keep reminding yourself that you aren't having "sides" and just pretend that you are going deaf when your Mom brings it up.

hellosweetie1015

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT IF I DON'T SIT IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT SEAT THE ENTIRE ROOM WON'T SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST?!?!?!?!?!

No but really. Tell her you'll give her dollars for every time she answers that specific question. Find her a Thing to do if she's wanting that. And then give her Frozen to watch in her downtime between doing her Thing and counting her multitudes of dollars.

flutteringinfl

novella1186 said:

flutteringinfl said:

novella1186 said:

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

Give her a task. That also helped get my mom to leave me alone. "Hey I need 60 white vases. Can you try to find some on sale and then I'll buy them?" "Do you want to make ties for all the groomsmen? Do you want to pick the pattern and fabric?" "Can you find platters for the desserts? I don't care what they look like. You have good taste. You pick!" 

She REALLY wanted to be involved and do stuff (and she had actually asked a while back if she could make the ties, so she was super excited to get to do it plus she's awesome at sewing so the ties turned out amazing, plus it saved FI and I a ton of money because we had planned on giving ties to the groomsmen anyway just to make things easier for them [$70 per tie to buy the ones we found online or about $6 per tie to buy fabric], so everybody wins!). 

And it took double stress off me cuz she left me alone AND things were getting done; all those little tasks I didn't care about. 

A couple months back she explicitly asked to be given a task, so I asked her if she would help set up the hotel blocks, and that really helped, both with making her happy and with of course getting the blocks set up. That's all set now though, so I guess it's time to find something else for her to do. At this point though, everything pressing is pretty much taken care of so that's probably why she's obsessing over things that we won't need to even think about for months.

flutteringinfl

hellosweetie1015 said:

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT IF I DON'T SIT IN EXACTLY THE RIGHT SEAT THE ENTIRE ROOM WON'T SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST?!?!?!?!?!

No but really. Tell her you'll give her dollars for every time she answers that specific question. Find her a Thing to do if she's wanting that. And then give her Frozen to watch in her downtime between doing her Thing and counting her multitudes of dollars.

She gon be like:

levioosa

I just had this mental image of a bunch of guests wandering around in a panic saying, "where the fuck do we go?!  Why aren't the sides labeled!?!" It was so over the top it cracked me up.

Totally doesn't matter.  I don't think any of the weddings I've been to recently had "sides."  I figured out how to sit all by myself.  Stay strong!

novella1186

flutteringinfl said:

novella1186 said:

flutteringinfl said:

novella1186 said:

My mom kept nagging me about random stupid stuff. "What if someone doesn't want to stay in the hotel where you got a block?! What if someone needs to rent a car?! What if what if what if OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!" 

I finally said, "Listen, mom. I'm gonna teach you an awesome phrase that makes life so much easier, and i want you to repeat it to yourself every time you start to worry about stuff like that: 'That is not my fucking problem.' See? Don't you feel better already?" 

Believe it or not, she has since stopped incessently nagging me. 

It's funny, because she's the one who would always have to calm me down when I would get hung up on unimportant details. She'd say something like, "What's literally the worst thing that could happen?" So it's funny to me that in this case, when literally the worst that could happen is someone will wonder and simply ask where they should sit, she's trying to convince me this is so freaking important.

I think she just wants to be involved more.

Give her a task. That also helped get my mom to leave me alone. "Hey I need 60 white vases. Can you try to find some on sale and then I'll buy them?" "Do you want to make ties for all the groomsmen? Do you want to pick the pattern and fabric?" "Can you find platters for the desserts? I don't care what they look like. You have good taste. You pick!" 

She REALLY wanted to be involved and do stuff (and she had actually asked a while back if she could make the ties, so she was super excited to get to do it plus she's awesome at sewing so the ties turned out amazing, plus it saved FI and I a ton of money because we had planned on giving ties to the groomsmen anyway just to make things easier for them [$70 per tie to buy the ones we found online or about $6 per tie to buy fabric], so everybody wins!). 

And it took double stress off me cuz she left me alone AND things were getting done; all those little tasks I didn't care about. 

A couple months back she explicitly asked to be given a task, so I asked her if she would help set up the hotel blocks, and that really helped, both with making her happy and with of course getting the blocks set up. That's all set now though, so I guess it's time to find something else for her to do. At this point though, everything pressing is pretty much taken care of so that's probably why she's obsessing over things that we won't need to even think about for months.

There's lots of little stupid stuff you can have her do. 

• Find a place where she (or someone) could go pick up lunch for the bridal party while they're getting ready, like a sandwich shop or something 
  
• Take an invitation to the post office to get weighed so you know how much postage it needs
• Make a list of VIP family members to give to the photographer 
• Make a list of all the vendors with their contact info *just in case, and make copies to give to the site manager, coordinator, whoever 
• Pick out escort cards 
• Compile a list of addresses for the invitations 
• Pick out thank-you cards
• Put together welcome bags for out-of-town guests (or just a page of info, whatever)
• Pick a card box or something to put your cards in at the reception
• Pick out the flower girl's basket 
• Help find a guest book (or whatever you want to do in lieu of a guest book) 
• Make a list of what needs to be brought home from the venue so the people cleaning up know (are you taking all your centerpieces home? Did you buy your own table runners? Is leftover dessert supposed to go to your house?) 
• Are you having any candles at your reception? Have you bought the candles? What about the candle holders? 
• Research wine brands in your price range
• Put together an "emergency kit" for the bridesmaids with stuff like band aids, bobby pins, safety pins, etc

How far away is your wedding? I can come up with more; I am the master of to-do lists and busy work. 

doeydo

Perhaps you could let the VIPs know that they can sit in the front row and put a reserved sign thing there?  At my sister's wedding it was open seating for the ceremony, and most of the front row went empty because people were too nice/thought they weren't important enough to sit there.