Wedding party dilemma

futurecptkirk

Hi everyone. To begin this request for advice, I want you to know I have stayed out of this issue and I realize we have made some mistakes so please don't advise me that we shouldn't have asked our wedding party so early since the past is in the past. 

Here's the issue. We are having a wedding party of 12 people for our October wedding. We asked our wedding party shortly after we got engaged. (Mistake - I know. I wish he would have held off on his, but I wasn't with him when he did it.) We recently found out one of the groomsmen has started using heroin, something that contributed to the death of FI's childhood best friend (the groomsman was also very good friends with the friend who died). I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of someone using such hard and addictive drugs even being invited to the wedding because I saw it change FI's bff's personality so severely and those wounds have not healed in the 3 years since his death. I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot un-invite him to the wedding, but both FI and I agree that we really cannot support this. I have expressed my concern about his drug addiction and my FI made the decision he does not want him in the wedding party and has subsequently asked someone else without letting the first groomsman know. (Also a mistake, but I wasn't there when the original groomsman was asked or the new one. FI told me he wish he would have invited the one he asked later originally in hindsight.)

At what point should I get involved in this as he is taking awhile to figure all of this out? And before we go down this rabbit hole, I know that when you remove someone from the wedding party it severs a friendship; to be honest, if he continues using he won't even be the same person anymore so he is ok with that friendship going by the wayside. He is taking his time dealing with this as it is a huge deal and I'm sure if we had years before the wedding he would get to it eventually. Unfortunately this has to be resolved before October. So back to my question, at what point should I start pushing this conversation and has anyone had a similar experience? I am not going to be the one to have the conversation with his friend, but FI needs some reminders here and there since he ADHD and forgets things frequently/doesn't really want to have the difficult conversation with someone he does care about after what happened to his bff. 

arrrghmatey

kellystuart11 said:

Hi everyone. To begin this request for advice, I want you to know I have stayed out of this issue and I realize we have made some mistakes so please don't advise me that we shouldn't have asked our wedding party so early since the past is in the past. 

Here's the issue. We are having a wedding party of 12 people for our October wedding. We asked our wedding party shortly after we got engaged. (Mistake - I know. I wish he would have held off on his, but I wasn't with him when he did it.) We recently found out one of the groomsmen has started using heroin, something that contributed to the death of FI's childhood best friend (the groomsman was also very good friends with the friend who died). I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of someone using such hard and addictive drugs even being invited to the wedding because I saw it change FI's bff's personality so severely and those wounds have not healed in the 3 years since his death. I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot un-invite him to the wedding, but both FI and I agree that we really cannot support this. I have expressed my concern about his drug addiction and my FI made the decision he does not want him in the wedding party and has subsequently asked someone else without letting the first groomsman know. (Also a mistake, but I wasn't there when the original groomsman was asked or the new one. FI told me he wish he would have invited the one he asked later originally in hindsight.)

At what point should I get involved in this as he is taking awhile to figure all of this out? And before we go down this rabbit hole, I know that when you remove someone from the wedding party it severs a friendship; to be honest, if he continues using he won't even be the same person anymore so he is ok with that friendship going by the wayside. He is taking his time dealing with this as it is a huge deal and I'm sure if we had years before the wedding he would get to it eventually. Unfortunately this has to be resolved before October. So back to my question, at what point should I start pushing this conversation and has anyone had a similar experience? I am not going to be the one to have the conversation with his friend, but FI needs some reminders here and there since he ADHD and forgets things frequently/doesn't really want to have the difficult conversation with someone he does care about after what happened to his bff. 

Are you positive he is using heroin? And are you concerned over your FI's friend's drug addiction only because of the possible impact he could have on your wedding? Are you confident that he will actually *do* something inappropriate or dangerous at your wedding, or just uncomfortable with his presence? Is he still going to be at the wedding as a guest?

If this former groomsman is a good enough friend to your FI to have initially been asked to be in the wedding party, then I'd hope your FI would be concerned enough to actually get this person some HELP. I think it is pretty awful if you're only thinking about the impact he will have on your wedding when he is a friend of your FI--a human being--who obviously needs help.

To the bolded: YOU don't, unless you are also a good friend of him. If not, then this is your FI's responsibility. You've already let him know how uncomfortable you feel. If he is good enough of a friend to have asked initially him to stand up there with him on his wedding day, then (and his other friends/family) should really stop focusing on his involvement in a wedding and focus on getting him help.

KatWAG

If your fi is okay with ending the friendship, I think abusing herion is an acceptible reason to kick someone out of your wedding party. But this should be completely your fi's decision and not yours.

However, if your Fi has already asked someone else (which asking a replacement was wrong), it sounds like he has made up his mind.

KatWAG

Hi everyone. To begin this request for advice, I want you to know I have stayed out of this issue and I realize we have made some mistakes so please don't advise me that we shouldn't have asked our wedding party so early since the past is in the past. 

Here's the issue. We are having a wedding party of 12 people for our October wedding. We asked our wedding party shortly after we got engaged. (Mistake - I know. I wish he would have held off on his, but I wasn't with him when he did it.) We recently found out one of the groomsmen has started using heroin, something that contributed to the death of FI's childhood best friend (the groomsman was also very good friends with the friend who died). I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of someone using such hard and addictive drugs even being invited to the wedding because I saw it change FI's bff's personality so severely and those wounds have not healed in the 3 years since his death. I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot un-invite him to the wedding, but both FI and I agree that we really cannot support this. I have expressed my concern about his drug addiction and my FI made the decision he does not want him in the wedding party and has subsequently asked someone else without letting the first groomsman know. (Also a mistake, but I wasn't there when the original groomsman was asked or the new one. FI told me he wish he would have invited the one he asked later originally in hindsight.)

At what point should I get involved in this as he is taking awhile to figure all of this out? And before we go down this rabbit hole, I know that when you remove someone from the wedding party it severs a friendship; to be honest, if he continues using he won't even be the same person anymore so he is ok with that friendship going by the wayside. He is taking his time dealing with this as it is a huge deal and I'm sure if we had years before the wedding he would get to it eventually. Unfortunately this has to be resolved before October. So back to my question, at what point should I start pushing this conversation and has anyone had a similar experience? I am not going to be the one to have the conversation with his friend, but FI needs some reminders here and there since he ADHD and forgets things frequently/doesn't really want to have the difficult conversation with someone he does care about after what happened to his bff. 

JIC

badbnagdway

Ok, first of all, you do not replace WP members, period. That is not a thing, you do not need even sides. Your FI was totally wrong "replacing" his friend for any reason. But you already know that, I'm guessing. 

Honestly, it seems backwards to me that you are so worried about a WP member using drugs because of the possible effect on your wedding, and not so worried that a friend, who was close enough to be in your WP in the first place, is in real trouble with drugs. If your FI cares about this person he needs to make an effort to help his friend, whatever that might mean. I am not a drug intervention specialist, but if this guy is using a lifestyle drug like heroin, and he is a friend, it seems like an intervention with friends, family, and a professional counselor is probably in order, ASAP. 

Especially if your FI has already lost someone he cares about, he needs to man up and at least try to help this guy. Maybe he tries and the friend is not ready to be helped, but that needs to be the starting place, not kicking him out of the wedding, not replacing him, just trying to help a person get better. 

anniewalkerx

First - I think this is for your FI to handle, not you, since it's his friend and groomsman. I don't know how much pushing you should do.

Also, I think you should both take a step back and stop looking at this from the perspective of your wedding. It sounds like you heard this 2nd or 3rd hand - don't let a rumor ruin a friendship. Has your FI reached out to him about it (not from a "you're my GM so you need to be clean for the wedding" kind of way, but in a "dude, is everything OK with you? way)? If this were my FI, he'd probably take him out for a beer and talk him through the issue, leaving the wedding out of it for now.

Finally - I know you didn't want us to comment on the things that are already done, but already asking someone else to "replace" this guy makes you both seem a little heartless. Keep putting your wedding in perspective and you'll feel better - it's just a party, and it's just one day. Your friendships and relationships are forever - treasure them more.

Best of luck on this!

futurecptkirk

anniewalkerx said:

First - I think this is for your FI to handle, not you, since it's his friend and groomsman. I don't know how much pushing you should do.

Also, I think you should both take a step back and stop looking at this from the perspective of your wedding. It sounds like you heard this 2nd or 3rd hand - don't let a rumor ruin a friendship. Has your FI reached out to him about it (not from a "you're my GM so you need to be clean for the wedding" kind of way, but in a "dude, is everything OK with you? way)? If this were my FI, he'd probably take him out for a beer and talk him through the issue, leaving the wedding out of it for now.

Finally - I know you didn't want us to comment on the things that are already done, but already asking someone else to "replace" this guy makes you both seem a little heartless. Keep putting your wedding in perspective and you'll feel better - it's just a party, and it's just one day. Your friendships and relationships are forever - treasure them more.

Best of luck on this!

First to clarify he isn't my friend. I don't know him well and I can't get on board with the fact that he saw what it did to his friend and STILL made the decision to start using, but that's another discussion altogether and makes me extremely frustrated with that kid for screwing up his life like this. But the issue that I am trying to solve is he hasn't initiated this talk with the original member and has instead chosen to replace him, essentially behind his back. I travel a lot for work and haven't been as present through those talks as I guess I should be been. As y'all have let me know, and I do already know from reading other posts, this is his issue to deal with. What I do not want is to get to October and both guys show up thinking they are in the party and FI hasn't let anyone know what's up. He hasn't confronted him yet and I am not sure at what point I need to force this issue and tell him to man up and talk to his buddy. I completely agree he needs an intervention, but I have met this guy like only a handful of times. While I agree he needs help, I am not in an appropriate position to be the one to organize this. 

anniewalkerx

kellystuart11 said:

anniewalkerx said:

First - I think this is for your FI to handle, not you, since it's his friend and groomsman. I don't know how much pushing you should do.

Also, I think you should both take a step back and stop looking at this from the perspective of your wedding. It sounds like you heard this 2nd or 3rd hand - don't let a rumor ruin a friendship. Has your FI reached out to him about it (not from a "you're my GM so you need to be clean for the wedding" kind of way, but in a "dude, is everything OK with you? way)? If this were my FI, he'd probably take him out for a beer and talk him through the issue, leaving the wedding out of it for now.

Finally - I know you didn't want us to comment on the things that are already done, but already asking someone else to "replace" this guy makes you both seem a little heartless. Keep putting your wedding in perspective and you'll feel better - it's just a party, and it's just one day. Your friendships and relationships are forever - treasure them more.

Best of luck on this!

First to clarify he isn't my friend. I don't know him well and I can't get on board with the fact that he saw what it did to his friend and STILL made the decision to start using, but that's another discussion altogether and makes me extremely frustrated with that kid for screwing up his life like this. But the issue that I am trying to solve is he hasn't initiated this talk with the original member and has instead chosen to replace him, essentially behind his back. I travel a lot for work and haven't been as present through those talks as I guess I should be been. As y'all have let me know, and I do already know from reading other posts, this is his issue to deal with. What I do not want is to get to October and both guys show up thinking they are in the party and FI hasn't let anyone know what's up. He hasn't confronted him yet and I am not sure at what point I need to force this issue and tell him to man up and talk to his buddy. I completely agree he needs an intervention, but I have met this guy like only a handful of times. While I agree he needs help, I am not in an appropriate position to be the one to organize this. 

Can your FI just have both of them in the party?

Maybe your FI is afraid to have a conversation wherein he kicks one of his best friends out of his wedding party. I would be too! Instead of that conversation, ask your FI to talk to his friend about his potential drug problems and offer some help. See where it goes..

Edited for clarity.

arrrghmatey

kellystuart11 said:

First - I think this is for your FI to handle, not you, since it's his friend and groomsman. I don't know how much pushing you should do.

Also, I think you should both take a step back and stop looking at this from the perspective of your wedding. It sounds like you heard this 2nd or 3rd hand - don't let a rumor ruin a friendship. Has your FI reached out to him about it (not from a "you're my GM so you need to be clean for the wedding" kind of way, but in a "dude, is everything OK with you? way)? If this were my FI, he'd probably take him out for a beer and talk him through the issue, leaving the wedding out of it for now.

Finally - I know you didn't want us to comment on the things that are already done, but already asking someone else to "replace" this guy makes you both seem a little heartless. Keep putting your wedding in perspective and you'll feel better - it's just a party, and it's just one day. Your friendships and relationships are forever - treasure them more.

Best of luck on this!

First to clarify he isn't my friend. I don't know him well and I can't get on board with the fact that he saw what it did to his friend and STILL made the decision to start using, but that's another discussion altogether and makes me extremely frustrated with that kid for screwing up his life like this. But the issue that I am trying to solve is he hasn't initiated this talk with the original member and has instead chosen to replace him, essentially behind his back. I travel a lot for work and haven't been as present through those talks as I guess I should be been. As y'all have let me know, and I do already know from reading other posts, this is his issue to deal with. What I do not want is to get to October and both guys show up thinking they are in the party and FI hasn't let anyone know what's up. He hasn't confronted him yet and I am not sure at what point I need to force this issue and tell him to man up and talk to his buddy. I completely agree he needs an intervention, but I have met this guy like only a handful of times. While I agree he needs help, I am not in an appropriate position to be the one to organize this. 

October is still a ways away. Your FI still has time and is probably nervous about confronting the issue. I doubt he denies it exists and doesn't plan on having the conversation. Give him time to figure out his approach to this. Again, this is not your responsibility. Let your FI take care of this.

At some point, you and your FI have to choose formal wear for the groomsmen (if you haven't already). I doubt he will show up as a groomsmen if he doesn't have the tuxedo or suit, and hopefully this is where your FI will have a conversation with him, if he hasn't already.

And worst case scenario if he DOES show up as a groomsmen? As long as he is not using at your wedding, does not pose a danger to anyone, keeps his behavior in check, and does what he is supposed to, I fail to see what the problem is. 

badbnagdway

anniewalkerx said:

kellystuart11 said:

anniewalkerx said:

First - I think this is for your FI to handle, not you, since it's his friend and groomsman. I don't know how much pushing you should do.

Also, I think you should both take a step back and stop looking at this from the perspective of your wedding. It sounds like you heard this 2nd or 3rd hand - don't let a rumor ruin a friendship. Has your FI reached out to him about it (not from a "you're my GM so you need to be clean for the wedding" kind of way, but in a "dude, is everything OK with you? way)? If this were my FI, he'd probably take him out for a beer and talk him through the issue, leaving the wedding out of it for now.

Finally - I know you didn't want us to comment on the things that are already done, but already asking someone else to "replace" this guy makes you both seem a little heartless. Keep putting your wedding in perspective and you'll feel better - it's just a party, and it's just one day. Your friendships and relationships are forever - treasure them more.

Best of luck on this!

First to clarify he isn't my friend. I don't know him well and I can't get on board with the fact that he saw what it did to his friend and STILL made the decision to start using, but that's another discussion altogether and makes me extremely frustrated with that kid for screwing up his life like this. But the issue that I am trying to solve is he hasn't initiated this talk with the original member and has instead chosen to replace him, essentially behind his back. I travel a lot for work and haven't been as present through those talks as I guess I should be been. As y'all have let me know, and I do already know from reading other posts, this is his issue to deal with. What I do not want is to get to October and both guys show up thinking they are in the party and FI hasn't let anyone know what's up. He hasn't confronted him yet and I am not sure at what point I need to force this issue and tell him to man up and talk to his buddy. I completely agree he needs an intervention, but I have met this guy like only a handful of times. While I agree he needs help, I am not in an appropriate position to be the one to organize this. 

Can your FI just have both of them in the party?

Maybe your FI is afraid to have a conversation wherein he kicks one of his best friends out of his wedding party. I would be too! Instead of that conversation, ask your FI to talk to his friend about his potential drug problems and offer some help. See where it goes..

Edited for clarity.

I agree. To me, it is jumping the gun to kick someone out of a wedding without first addressing the issue. He needs to be a friend first to this person. Your wedding, or even having an "extra" groomsman show up at the wedding, is really the smallest of the problems here. The problem is his friend engaging in potentially life-endangering behavior. That really needs to be the focus.