We don't have very friendly families

[Deleted User]

I'm not exactly sure which part I should be putting this in, but since inviting family is.. well, pretty traditional, I figured this would work. I'd rather not explain every little thing, but my fiance's 15 year old sister and I simply do not get along. This isn't a minor thing between us; she brags about wanting to beat me up to her family at home before I go in their house when I visit, and the only "wrong" thing I ever did was call her out on other things she's done. I honestly don't understand what it is about me that she takes issue with, but I know that as soon as my fiance moves out of that house, I don't want anything to do with her. He feels the same way, and without me asking, has told her she isn't invited to our wedding because of how she treats me. I've done similar for him, I suppose. I was adopted and raised by my grandparents when I was in around 3rd grade. To make my explanation simple, my grandpa is old and racist, and my fiance is probably about 3/4 Native American. Grandpa denies race has anything to do with why he was always so nice to all of my white boyfriends in the past, including the one that treated me like dirt openly in front of him. Yet, he takes any chance he can to talk about how much of a "loser" my fiance is and how he will never amount to anything, and never be able to provide for me in any way. I don't want my grandpa to be a part of my wedding all that much, even not counting how he treats my fiance. He has always been verbally abusive to me to some degree, and I know he would be miserable to my maid of honor because she is a trans woman. And despite being firm in my decision, I still feel a little guilty for not inviting my future sister in law and the guy that raised me. I know there isn't really a question in this whole thing, but thoughts, opinions, whatever is welcome. Has anyone else here had a similar situation with close family members?

mikenberger

Knottie59869593 said:

I'm not exactly sure which part I should be putting this in, but since inviting family is.. well, pretty traditional, I figured this would work. I'd rather not explain every little thing, but my fiance's 15 year old sister and I simply do not get along. This isn't a minor thing between us; she brags about wanting to beat me up to her family at home before I go in their house when I visit, and the only "wrong" thing I ever did was call her out on other things she's done. I honestly don't understand what it is about me that she takes issue with, but I know that as soon as my fiance moves out of that house, I don't want anything to do with her. He feels the same way, and without me asking, has told her she isn't invited to our wedding because of how she treats me. I've done similar for him, I suppose. I was adopted and raised by my grandparents when I was in around 3rd grade. To make my explanation simple, my grandpa is old and racist, and my fiance is probably about 3/4 Native American. Grandpa denies race has anything to do with why he was always so nice to all of my white boyfriends in the past, including the one that treated me like dirt openly in front of him. Yet, he takes any chance he can to talk about how much of a "loser" my fiance is and how he will never amount to anything, and never be able to provide for me in any way. I don't want my grandpa to be a part of my wedding all that much, even not counting how he treats my fiance. He has always been verbally abusive to me to some degree, and I know he would be miserable to my maid of honor because she is a trans woman. And despite being firm in my decision, I still feel a little guilty for not inviting my future sister in law and the guy that raised me. I know there isn't really a question in this whole thing, but thoughts, opinions, whatever is welcome. Has anyone else here had a similar situation with close family members?

Sometimes family just sucks. Unfortunately we don't get to pick them. But we do get to choose the type of relationship that we have with them. So if they are toxic/not welcoming to your choice of spouse etc, you can choose to not have a relationship with them. Just know that that choice may spur others to not have a relationship with you.

How do your future in laws feel about your sister not being invited? And what do they say about her behavior?

thespeshulestsnowflake

Who is paying for the wedding? If it is you and your FI, then you don't need to invite them. But do be prepared to answer nosy peoples' questions about where they are.

[Deleted User]

My fiance's father was never in his life, and only made contact by the time he was about 16. We aren't sure if he's invited yet. My fiance's sister's dad has probably never met her, at least as far as I know. And my future mother in law is at threat of not being invited for the same reason as my future sister in law. My fiance's mom and sister are more or less the same person, 19 years apart. 

[Deleted User]

We're paying for it, and I can tell people why they aren't there if they want to know. I don't mind people knowing things so much, it's just on a "if they ask" basis.

KatWAG

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

mikenberger

KatWAG said:

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

Or she's just learning the bad behavior from her mother. She sounds, sadly, like a product of her environment.

[Deleted User]

I don't know. I know I was nothing like that a few years ago. Then again I'm the one that's considered a goody two shoes by everyone, that could make a difference. But at her age, stumbling around the house drunk a majority of the time I visit isn't a good thing, that's for sure. Well any age it isn't, because I generally visit a few times a week, and that's an awful lot to be drunk, especially to the point that you can't walk straight. It could just be a teenager thing, I suppose, but it's not like I'm saying this as a 30 year old that doesn't remember being a kid. I'm technically still a teen myself. Just an older one than her. 

KatWAG

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

Or she's just learning the bad behavior from her mother. She sounds, sadly, like a product of her environment.

There was no mention of FMIL at all. So we dont know that FMIL has any bad behaviors

[Deleted User]

mikenberger said:

KatWAG said:

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

Or she's just learning the bad behavior from her mother. She sounds, sadly, like a product of her environment.

It is. I feel bad about that, and I often think to myself "if not for her mom she would probably be a decent person." I truly wish we got along. Even after several warnings from my fiance, i tried to befriend her. I wish that knowing it was the way she grew up that made her like that was enough to change it.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie59869593 said:

I don't know. I know I was nothing like that a few years ago. Then again I'm the one that's considered a goody two shoes by everyone, that could make a difference. But at her age, stumbling around the house drunk a majority of the time I visit isn't a good thing, that's for sure. Well any age it isn't, because I generally visit a few times a week, and that's an awful lot to be drunk, especially to the point that you can't walk straight. It could just be a teenager thing, I suppose, but it's not like I'm saying this as a 30 year old that doesn't remember being a kid. I'm technically still a teen myself. Just an older one than her. 

Wait, how old are you guys???

mikenberger

mikenberger said:

KatWAG said:

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

Or she's just learning the bad behavior from her mother. She sounds, sadly, like a product of her environment.

There was no mention of FMIL at all. So we dont know that FMIL has any bad behaviors

Knottie59869593 said:

My fiance's father was never in his life, and only made contact by the time he was about 16. We aren't sure if he's invited yet. My fiance's sister's dad has probably never met her, at least as far as I know. And my future mother in law is at threat of not being invited for the same reason as my future sister in law. My fiance's mom and sister are more or less the same person, 19 years apart. 

mikenberger

Knottie59869593 said:

I don't know. I know I was nothing like that a few years ago. Then again I'm the one that's considered a goody two shoes by everyone, that could make a difference. But at her age, stumbling around the house drunk a majority of the time I visit isn't a good thing, that's for sure. Well any age it isn't, because I generally visit a few times a week, and that's an awful lot to be drunk, especially to the point that you can't walk straight. It could just be a teenager thing, I suppose, but it's not like I'm saying this as a 30 year old that doesn't remember being a kid. I'm technically still a teen myself. Just an older one than her. 

Yes. How old are you two?

KatWAG

Sometimes friends make better family than blood relatives.

But I might reconsider inviting FSIL. Is there any chance that she is just being a 15 year old teenager? She sounds like a punk. But whatever if she is just going through a high school/ teenage thing and you dont invite her. You might regret it later.  

Or she's just learning the bad behavior from her mother. She sounds, sadly, like a product of her environment.

There was no mention of FMIL at all. So we dont know that FMIL has any bad behaviors

My fiance's father was never in his life, and only made contact by the time he was about 16. We aren't sure if he's invited yet. My fiance's sister's dad has probably never met her, at least as far as I know. And my future mother in law is at threat of not being invited for the same reason as my future sister in law. My fiance's mom and sister are more or less the same person, 19 years apart. 

Missed that entire post. I was looking in the original post only. Sorry!

[Deleted User]

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

mikenberger

Knottie59869593 said:

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

So I take it you are probably 18 or less. There's nothing wrong with that, it was the norm for many years. Thousands of years. Hell, I'm 31 getting married and if this were 60 years ago, I'd have been committed because something HAD to be wrong with me because I wasn't married. 

What's the rush to get married then? Any chance you may be rushing to get married so you can both be out of a crappy home life? (My cousin is currently doing this and it's plain and obvious and it's killing me - but alas, she needs to make her own mistakes. Once again, not saying this is your situation. Just inquiring.)

KatWAG

Knottie59869593 said:

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

 

------

 

Yes, it does. Did you ever stop to think that maybe people are supportive of you and your fi because they dont think you should be getting married at your age?

 

Have you both graduated high school? Are you enrolled in college? You do both have stable jobs? Savings? A place to live? A career path?

 

Maybe they arent supportive because they dont think you have figure out all of these things.

 

Maybe Grandpa liked your other boyfriends, because they were boyfriends. And now his teenage granddaughter is engaged and he is concerned.   

 

Obviously, this is all just a hypothesis.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie59869593 said:

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

No, but it does make a difference in how you deal with everything.

[Deleted User]

Yeah. Thanks for not being disrespectful we are both 17, 2 months apart. There are some things regarding family, mostly his, that make it very appealing. Some to do with college, some to do with other future plans. It's not to piss off our families if that's what you mean. His mom is probably one of the top 5 most evil people I've met in my life. I won't say why, but any guesses you'd make probably aren't far off. To add to it, the only reason she isn't in the top three is because of some of her ex boyfriends and how they treated my fiancé. But there's a lot more than wanting to get out of the house. It's hard to explain without feeling like you'll all think I'm just some kid that doesn't know what love is. I just feel happy. I'm not a happy person, but he makes me happy.

KatWAG

Yeah. Thanks for not being disrespectful we are both 17, 2 months apart. There are some things regarding family, mostly his, that make it very appealing. Some to do with college, some to do with other future plans. It's not to piss off our families if that's what you mean. His mom is probably one of the top 5 most evil people I've met in my life. I won't say why, but any guesses you'd make probably aren't far off. To add to it, the only reason she isn't in the top three is because of some of her ex boyfriends and how they treated my fiancé. But there's a lot more than wanting to get out of the house. It's hard to explain without feeling like you'll all think I'm just some kid that doesn't know what love is. I just feel happy. I'm not a happy person, but he makes me happy.

I get that you are love. (which is great!) But what will getting married really change for you?

Your crappy families will still be around. Do you have money saved up to live on your own? Are you even done with high school yet?

I guess I dont understand the rush.

[Deleted User]

KatWAG said:

Knottie59869593 said:

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

 

------

 

Yes, it does. Did you ever stop to think that maybe people are supportive of you and your fi because they dont think you should be getting married at your age?

 

Have you both graduated high school? Are you enrolled in college? You do both have stable jobs? Savings? A place to live? A career path?

 

Maybe they arent supportive because they dont think you have figure out all of these things.

 

Maybe Grandpa liked your other boyfriends, because they were boyfriends. And now his teenage granddaughter is engaged and he is concerned.   

 

Obviously, this is all just a hypothesis.

I know they think I shouldn't be getting married at my age. Our wedding is after graduation for both of us, and I have a job. He has seizures and his mom won't take him to get meds so he can drive legally. She won't let him go through drivers Ed either, so he can't get a job. Still, in the case that I could drive him, I've brought him to fill out an application for some places. I know there's a ton I'll have to do on my own to get him going, I know it will be hard. And I understand people being worried about me and about my decision. I know to some it seems stupid. I also know that that has nothing to do with grandpa's treatment of him, because if any of my family knew before I moved out, I don't think I'd live to see the day we have it planned for. As for college, I know where I want to go, and I figure my high GPA and my ACT score of 27 will help a lot. There's a lot that concerns me too. It just doesn't bother me enough to not want this.

KatWAG

The more information you provide, the more red flags I see. You haven’t graduated from high school yet and have no solid plans for college. You don’t have a job and neither doesn’t your fiancée. It doesn’t seem like you have a place to live (aside from your parent’s home, that isn’t stable) and no savings. Am I getting this right? <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

So I will ask (for the third time) why the rush????

 

People are worried about your decision because they care about you. If they didn’t care about you, they wouldn’t give two fucks if you got married tomorrow.

 

And what do you knew if your family knew? What don’t they know? Do they not know you are planning to get married?

 

The fact that all of these things don’t concern you proves to me that you are just a 17 year old child.

emmaaa

I get the whole being in love at 17 thing. My husband and I were dating at 17. However, we waited six years to get married. Why can't you wait until you are a little more established and stable? You can still move in together. You can still take him to work. You can still be in love. 

Maggie0829

I have to agree with @KatWAG.  Your PP has so many red flags in it and it just makes you look so naive.  You have so much growing up to do and you and your FI can do that growing up together without having to take such a huge step that is marriage.

redoryx

Knottie59869593 said:

KatWAG said:

Knottie59869593 said:

Does the value of my opinion differ depending on my age? I mean this not as a snarky accusation, I really do wonder, since it does for many. I get a lot of negativity about being engaged at my age.

 

------

 

Yes, it does. Did you ever stop to think that maybe people are supportive of you and your fi because they dont think you should be getting married at your age?

 

Have you both graduated high school? Are you enrolled in college? You do both have stable jobs? Savings? A place to live? A career path?

 

Maybe they arent supportive because they dont think you have figure out all of these things.

 

Maybe Grandpa liked your other boyfriends, because they were boyfriends. And now his teenage granddaughter is engaged and he is concerned.   

 

Obviously, this is all just a hypothesis.

I know they think I shouldn't be getting married at my age. Our wedding is after graduation for both of us, and I have a job. He has seizures and his mom won't take him to get meds so he can drive legally. She won't let him go through drivers Ed either, so he can't get a job. Still, in the case that I could drive him, I've brought him to fill out an application for some places. I know there's a ton I'll have to do on my own to get him going, I know it will be hard. And I understand people being worried about me and about my decision. I know to some it seems stupid. I also know that that has nothing to do with grandpa's treatment of him, because if any of my family knew before I moved out, I don't think I'd live to see the day we have it planned for. As for college, I know where I want to go, and I figure my high GPA and my ACT score of 27 will help a lot. There's a lot that concerns me too. It just doesn't bother me enough to not want this.

What if you don't get in? What if he can't find a job? And am I to understand that your parents don't know that their 17 year old daughter is planning on getting married?

We love love and we love people being happy. The problem is that sometimes being in love and seeing someone as your escape from a shitty situation can blind you to all of the very real challenges ahead. You can live together and be all happy and in love but you should wait before you take the very big step that is marriage.

ashley8918

KatWAG said:

The more information you provide, the more red flags I see. You haven’t graduated from high school yet and have no solid plans for college. You don’t have a job and neither doesn’t your fiancée. It doesn’t seem like you have a place to live (aside from your parent’s home, that isn’t stable) and no savings. Am I getting this right?

 

So I will ask (for the third time) why the rush????

 

People are worried about your decision because they care about you. If they didn’t care about you, they wouldn’t give two fucks if you got married tomorrow.

 

And what do you knew if your family knew? What don’t they know? Do they not know you are planning to get married?

 

The fact that all of these things don’t concern you proves to me that you are just a 17 year old child.

All of this.

[Deleted User]

I do have a job. I said that. And I have a decent savings, as well as a place to stay in mind. The town here is tiny, and all of the apartments for rent are cheap but decent, my dad used to live in one. They don't know we're engaged, that's what I meant. His family does, they don't care a bit. And one of my cousins knows as well, she's a bridesmaid. If we're married, it means I won't have to live in a dorm during college any. That's one reason. Another is for health reasons. Hospital visitation rights, and his right to make decisions about my health care if I can't. That's something I'm worried about anyone else being part of. I know he will respect my wishes. I have a serious heart condition that makes that a concern, even at my age. And although it's more down the road a bit, we have serious plans to move to and gain citizenship in Finland. He doubts he will meet requirements to stay for the full 5 years required, but if I manage that and become a citizen, he requires less years of residence in the country. I plan on finishing college there, after going to UW Madison for bachellor's degree. Those are some things, aside from the lovey dovey "I just can't wait" stuff.

ashley8918

Knottie59869593 said:

I do have a job. I said that. And I have a decent savings "decent savings" means a very different thing to a high school student than it does to an adult, so I sincerely doubt this, as well as a place to stay in mind. The town here is tiny, and all of the apartments for rent are cheap but decent, my dad used to live in one. They don't know we're engaged, that's what I meant. His family does, they don't care a bit. And one of my cousins knows as well, she's a bridesmaid. If we're married, it means I won't have to live in a dorm during college any. THE HORROR! Just kidding, this is a ridiculous, childish reason to be considering marriage. That's one reason. Another is for health reasons. Hospital visitation rights, and his right to make decisions about my health care if I can't. That's something I'm worried about anyone else being part of. I know he will respect my wishes. I have a serious heart condition that makes that a concern, even at my age. And although it's more down the road a bit, we have serious plans to move to and gain citizenship in Finland. He doubts he will meet requirements to stay for the full 5 years required, but if I manage that and become a citizen, he requires less years of residence in the country. I plan on finishing college there, after going to UW Madison for bachellor's degree. Those are some things, aside from the lovey dovey "I just can't wait" stuff.

ETA - also, you mention "extreme financial issues" in another thread, so I am calling absolute bullshit on your decent job and savings. No, honey.

lurkergirl

Oh, honey.

redoryx

ashley8918 said:

Knottie59869593 said:

I do have a job. I said that. And I have a decent savings "decent savings" means a very different thing to a high school student than it does to an adult, so I sincerely doubt this, as well as a place to stay in mind. The town here is tiny, and all of the apartments for rent are cheap but decent, my dad used to live in one. They don't know we're engaged, that's what I meant. His family does, they don't care a bit. And one of my cousins knows as well, she's a bridesmaid. If we're married, it means I won't have to live in a dorm during college any. THE HORROR! Just kidding, this is a ridiculous, childish reason to be considering marriage. That's one reason. Another is for health reasons. Hospital visitation rights, and his right to make decisions about my health care if I can't. That's something I'm worried about anyone else being part of. I know he will respect my wishes. I have a serious heart condition that makes that a concern, even at my age. And although it's more down the road a bit, we have serious plans to move to and gain citizenship in Finland. He doubts he will meet requirements to stay for the full 5 years required, but if I manage that and become a citizen, he requires less years of residence in the country. I plan on finishing college there, after going to UW Madison for bachellor's degree. Those are some things, aside from the lovey dovey "I just can't wait" stuff.

I have a job and a savings account. I also have a 401K.

Saying "I have a job and a savings account" makes me think, perhaps incorrectly, as you seeing income and savings as comparable or interchangeable. That's a dangerous view because it's easy to dip into your savings here and there and before you know it, poof, all gone.

[Deleted User]

His financial issues. I'm not buying my own ring, I'm waiting for when he has more money, however long that takes. The ring doesn't matter near as much to me as it does to a lot of people. He has his. We don't live together yet, so we don't go off of the same pool of money. His mom doesn't even make sure they have enough to eat. I sometimes have to bring him some food because she doesn't bother to make sure they have food. And I actually realized the "no dorm" thing after the fact, it wasn't "oh let's get married so I don't have to live in a dorm"