Invitation HELP!!!

Tweetiepie19

My fiancé's brother/best man just broke up with his long-term girlfriend--who is more involved with the family than he is. HOW on earth do we handle this situation??? Do we still invite the girl who is practically a member of the family? Do we cut her out simply because she is no longer connected to him? Do we wait to send out their invitation(s) till we know whether the breakup is short- or long-term?

What about plus-ones?? Everyone else in the bridal party is invited with a plus-one, regardless of whether they have a significant other...but to invite this brother with a plus-one almost seems traitorous to the girl that we all hoped would one day become a part of the family, especially so soon after the breakup!

Any advice would be appreciated...

novella1186

If you consider this girl a close friend/part of the family and want her at your wedding regardless of her relationship (or lake thereof) with your fiance's brother, then send her an invite. Send a separate invite to the brother. 

I can see the +1 being a touchy situation right now. How soon are invites going out? 

KatWAG

Tweetiepie19 said:

My fiancé's brother/best man just broke up with his long-term girlfriend--who is more involved with the family than he is. HOW on earth do we handle this situation??? Do we still invite the girl who is practically a member of the family? Do we cut her out simply because she is no longer connected to him? Do we wait to send out their invitation(s) till we know whether the breakup is short- or long-term?

What about plus-ones?? Everyone else in the bridal party is invited with a plus-one, regardless of whether they have a significant other...but to invite this brother with a plus-one almost seems traitorous to the girl that we all hoped would one day become a part of the family, especially so soon after the breakup!

Any advice would be appreciated...

First, breathe.

When is the wedding? It sounds like this break up just happened and emotions might be running high.

If you are giving everyone else in your bridal party a plus-one I think I think you should extend one to your FBIL. I actually think it would be rude not to, just because he is broken up with a girl you clearly think highly of.

Invitation are sent out 6-8 weeks before the wedding. So I would wait until then to decide whether or not to invite FBILs ex. Wait and see how or if your relationship changes.

But know that if she has a new boyfriend at the time of your wedding then the new boyfriend needs to be invited. Regardless of how your FBIL feels about it.

Tweetiepie19

The wedding is in May, so we don't have a ton of time to work with, but there are a few weeks before those invitations have to be sent out.

KatWAG

Have you asked your brother? How does he feel about her being invited?

Tweetiepie19

It's been a week, but he just told my fiancé today at noon...I haven't had much of a chance to talk to my hubby yet and find out where they stand... but I wanted to get an idea on the proper way to handle the situation, if there is one. From what I do know, they decided it was time to move on, so it doesn't sound like there are bitter feelings involved...but still definitely a good idea to find out exactly how people feel about her being invited.

KatWAG

Since the break up is so fresh and you do need to decide and send out invite soon, I would let your brother decide.

If you do decide to invite her, I would give her a plus one so she could bring a friend to feel more comfortable. But you don't have to.

MandyMost

First, I'd wait until about a week before the invites are due to go out. Then, I'd have your fiance call his best man and be straight up about it "Hey man, we're getting ready to send the wedding invites. Obviously we were going to invite you and Girlfriend originally. My future-wife would still really like to invite Girlfriend if that's alright with you, since they've become friends. [Pause for reaction, which will likely be him saying it's fine]. The tricky thing is that we don't want to cause any drama, and don't know what to do about plus ones for you guys. Other single guests are getting a plus one. What do you think?". 

Then, you can call/text/email/facebook the Girlfriend and say "Hey Girlfriend, we're getting ready to send the invites to the wedding, and I know you and Bestman broke up, but I'd still love to have you there as my friend, not just his girlfirend! I'll definitely be sending you an invite, but it's up to you if you want to come, i know breakups can be hard. Just so you know, Bestman said he is/is not bringing a date."

Dreamergirl8812

Tweetiepie19 said:

It's been a week, but he just told my fiancé today at noon...I haven't had much of a chance to talk to my hubby yet and find out where they stand... but I wanted to get an idea on the proper way to handle the situation, if there is one. From what I do know, they decided it was time to move on, so it doesn't sound like there are bitter feelings involved...but still definitely a good idea to find out exactly how people feel about her being invited.

Ummmmmm... Do you have a fiance and a husband?

huskypuppy14

MandyMost said:

First, I'd wait until about a week before the invites are due to go out. Then, I'd have your fiance call his best man and be straight up about it "Hey man, we're getting ready to send the wedding invites. Obviously we were going to invite you and Girlfriend originally. My future-wife would still really like to invite Girlfriend if that's alright with you, since they've become friends. [Pause for reaction, which will likely be him saying it's fine]. The tricky thing is that we don't want to cause any drama, and don't know what to do about plus ones for you guys. Other single guests are getting a plus one. What do you think?". 

Then, you can call/text/email/facebook the Girlfriend and say "Hey Girlfriend, we're getting ready to send the invites to the wedding, and I know you and Bestman broke up, but I'd still love to have you there as my friend, not just his girlfirend! I'll definitely be sending you an invite, but it's up to you if you want to come, i know breakups can be hard. Just so you know, Bestman said he is/is not bringing a date."

Eh, I disagree. It's not up to the brother to decide if his Ex still get's invited. And it's certainly not your place to tell the other whether or not he or she is bringing a date.

I'd give them both plus ones.

lyndausvi

If the now-ex-gf is considered a friend I would send her an invite.  

Plus ones?   I think you can go either way since the wedding is so close.  Personally I would extend "and guest". 

misshart00

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Tweetiepie19 said:

It's been a week, but he just told my fiancé today at noon...I haven't had much of a chance to talk to my hubby yet and find out where they stand... but I wanted to get an idea on the proper way to handle the situation, if there is one. From what I do know, they decided it was time to move on, so it doesn't sound like there are bitter feelings involved...but still definitely a good idea to find out exactly how people feel about her being invited.

Ummmmmm... Do you have a fiance and a husband?

I thought this same thing and has to read the post several times.

LtPowers

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

flantastic

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

FFS

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

FFS


Incredibly uncomfortable, unnecessary conversation;

Gramma, I'm writing out invitations.  Who would you like to bring as your escort to my wedding?

Oh, I don't need an escort, I'll just drive up with your aunt and uncle.

Oh, but I'm not inviting my aunt and uncle, only you.  You can bring one of them as your escort if you'd like though.

Well, then I guess I'll bring your aunt, but your uncle will probably come along too, to help drive.  Why don't you just invite them both?

*uncomfortable pause* Well because I don't like them very much and don't want to invite them, but I'd be fine if one of them accompanied you so you could attend.  Which one should I add to your invitation?

Or, you know, I could just send an invitation to 'Gramma and guest' and let her decide who to bring after she sees who does and who does not get their own invitation.

levioosa

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

OMG, not this again. 

brookelynpaisley

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

alixzafiris

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

scoetto

Can I be the "and guest"?

lyndausvi

alixzafiris said:

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

Love it.

Yeah, I gave my BIL and SIL each "and guest."  Both of them didn't decide who to bring until the week of the wedding.  If they don't know, how was I suppose to know?  I certainly think "and guest" is more appropriate then pressuring them to pick someone before they were ready.

My wedding was even OOT (5 hour drive).

alixzafiris

lyndausvi said:

alixzafiris said:

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

Love it.

Yeah, I gave my BIL and SIL each "and guest."  Both of them didn't decide who to bring until the week of the wedding.  If they don't know, how was I suppose to know?  I certainly think "and guest" is more appropriate then pressuring them to pick someone before they were ready.

My wedding was even OOT (5 hour drive).

I thought I was having a local wedding... then I got stuck on the highway en route. FOR HOURS.

MyNameIsNot

lyndausvi said:

alixzafiris said:

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

Love it.

Yeah, I gave my BIL and SIL each "and guest."  Both of them didn't decide who to bring until the week of the wedding.  If they don't know, how was I suppose to know?  I certainly think "and guest" is more appropriate then pressuring them to pick someone before they were ready.

My wedding was even OOT (5 hour drive).

According to Lt. Dan, you are supposed to harass them to identify the name of their guest before you send the invitation. If they can't identify the guest by the time you mail the invitation, you mail it just to them and tell them that you can no longer accommodate a guest for them.

I swear to god she honestly said that on invitations.

lyndausvi

MyNameIsNot said:

lyndausvi said:

alixzafiris said:

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

Love it.

Yeah, I gave my BIL and SIL each "and guest."  Both of them didn't decide who to bring until the week of the wedding.  If they don't know, how was I suppose to know?  I certainly think "and guest" is more appropriate then pressuring them to pick someone before they were ready.

My wedding was even OOT (5 hour drive).

According to Lt. Dan, you are supposed to harass them to identify the name of their guest before you send the invitation. If they can't identify the guest by the time you mail the invitation, you mail it just to them and tell them that you can no longer accommodate a guest for them.

I swear to god she honestly said that on invitations.

Oh god.

I like my guests more than that.  My BIL's GF of a few years was killed in a car accident about 6 months before my wedding.  She was also very good, even best friends with my 2 SILs.

4 months after her death I was not going to harass him for name of a potential guest.  At that point he wasn't even sure he wanted to bring one.  In the end he brought a friend of SIL (who also brought a friend).  NBD to us.

ashley8918

MyNameIsNot said:

alixzafiris said:

brookelynpaisley said:

Kristen Numbers, is that you?

BEST. EVER.

Love it.

Yeah, I gave my BIL and SIL each "and guest."  Both of them didn't decide who to bring until the week of the wedding.  If they don't know, how was I suppose to know?  I certainly think "and guest" is more appropriate then pressuring them to pick someone before they were ready.

My wedding was even OOT (5 hour drive).

According to Lt. Dan, you are supposed to harass them to identify the name of their guest before you send the invitation. If they can't identify the guest by the time you mail the invitation, you mail it just to them and tell them that you can no longer accommodate a guest for them.

I swear to god she honestly said that on invitations.

Tweetiepie19

Dreamergirl8812 said:

Tweetiepie19 said:

It's been a week, but he just told my fiancé today at noon...I haven't had much of a chance to talk to my hubby yet and find out where they stand... but I wanted to get an idea on the proper way to handle the situation, if there is one. From what I do know, they decided it was time to move on, so it doesn't sound like there are bitter feelings involved...but still definitely a good idea to find out exactly how people feel about her being invited.

Ummmmmm... Do you have a fiance and a husband?

lol!! No, sorry. "Future hubby" would have been more correct. 

Tweetiepie19

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

Sounds reasonable enough, but honestly, none of our unattached guests know who they're bringing or if they're bringing anyone, so it's going to be pretty challenging calling those plus-ones by name when none of us actually know who they are (e.g. one of my bridesmaids is bringing a family member...but she doesn't know which one yet and her invitation has to go out soon). It is definitely a nice touch in theory, but not always practical for those who don't have semi-longterm significant others.

LtPowers

Tweetiepie19 said:

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

Sounds reasonable enough, but honestly, none of our unattached guests know who they're bringing or if they're bringing anyone, so it's going to be pretty challenging calling those plus-ones by name when none of us actually know who they are (e.g. one of my bridesmaids is bringing a family member...but she doesn't know which one yet and her invitation has to go out soon). It is definitely a nice touch in theory, but not always practical for those who don't have semi-longterm significant others.

If it's not a problem to require your guests to accept or decline your invitation by a particular date, why is it a problem to require them to tell you who they'd like you to invite by a particular date?

You honestly do not have to go out of your way to accommodate people who can't make up their minds. Especially not so when the alternative is an impersonal invitation to a very personal event.

huskypuppy14

LtPowers said:

LtPowers said:

Just a reminder from Miss Manners:

"And Guest" or "and Escort" is never proper. Never, never, never! Everybody has a name, and there are simple ways of finding out what these are. If your neighbors didn't know who the gentleman in your life was, they could have asked you. If they wanted to indicate that you could bring anyone at all, they could have asked you whom you wanted to bring and then invited him by name.

Sounds reasonable enough, but honestly, none of our unattached guests know who they're bringing or if they're bringing anyone, so it's going to be pretty challenging calling those plus-ones by name when none of us actually know who they are (e.g. one of my bridesmaids is bringing a family member...but she doesn't know which one yet and her invitation has to go out soon). It is definitely a nice touch in theory, but not always practical for those who don't have semi-longterm significant others.

If it's not a problem to require your guests to accept or decline your invitation by a particular date, why is it a problem to require them to tell you who they'd like you to invite by a particular date?

You honestly do not have to go out of your way to accommodate people who can't make up their minds. Especially not so when the alternative is an impersonal invitation to a very personal event.

Where the hell are the boxes!!!!

They do have to tell you who they are bringing by a certain date. The date your RSVPs are due. Remember, some people may not even come to the wedding, so when you are asking them who they want to bring, they may not even come at all.

You are making this difficult. 

LtPowers

huskypuppy14 said:

They do have to tell you who they are bringing by a certain date. The date your RSVPs are due. Remember, some people may not even come to the wedding, so when you are asking them who they want to bring, they may not even come at all.

You are making this difficult. 

You are acting as if I'm making these rules up out of whole cloth. I'm not. I'm simply reporting what one of the most respected and quoted etiquette experts says on the topic.

I can elaborate on her advice as best as I can based on what else I've read, but I can't answer every possible objection as if I myself embodied Miss Manners.

The 'difficulty' here is that it is rude to invite someone impersonally to a personal event such as a wedding. The fact that it's sometimes inconvenient or awkward to obtain these names doesn't change that basic pronouncement. I understand that a lot of folks here probably used the "and guest" method and thus have a vested interest in defending its propriety, but at least one major etiquette expert has come out strongly against the practice, and has given two excellent reasons for it.

flantastic

LtPowers said:

huskypuppy14 said:

They do have to tell you who they are bringing by a certain date. The date your RSVPs are due. Remember, some people may not even come to the wedding, so when you are asking them who they want to bring, they may not even come at all.

You are making this difficult. 

You are acting as if I'm making these rules up out of whole cloth. I'm not. I'm simply reporting what one of the most respected and quoted etiquette experts says on the topic.

I can elaborate on her advice as best as I can based on what else I've read, but I can't answer every possible objection as if I myself embodied Miss Manners.

The 'difficulty' here is that it is rude to invite someone impersonally to a personal event such as a wedding. The fact that it's sometimes inconvenient or awkward to obtain these names doesn't change that basic pronouncement. I understand that a lot of folks here probably used the "and guest" method and thus have a vested interest in defending its propriety, but at least one major etiquette expert has come out strongly against the practice, and has given two excellent reasons for it.

I really like giving people the dignity of using their own name. I understand the significance of it.

I also did not invite anyone with a true plus one, and so did not use the "and guest" phrasing.

I maintain that no one who is the chosen plus one of the "named guest" on an invite will be offended by not having their own name on the invitation. They know how it works, and rarely if ever see the actual invitation envelope.

I don't think it's too much hassle to say, before invitations go out, "Hey, I'm planning to give you a guest - is there anyone you know right now that you want to bring? If so, I'll write their name on the invite. If you don't know right now, though, I'll just write 'and guest' and you can fill in their name on the RSVP card." There's a courtesy in using the guest's name where possible, and you make them a lovely escort card with their own name, but typically there's a greater courtesy in allowing your "main" guest some more flexibility in finding a companion.

We know you're not making this up, but true common sense disagrees both with you and your source.

madamerwin

LtPowers said:They do have to tell you who they are bringing by a certain date. The date your RSVPs are due. Remember, some people may not even come to the wedding, so when you are asking them who they want to bring, they may not even come at all.
You are making this difficult. 


You are acting as if I'm making these rules up out of whole cloth. I'm not. I'm simply reporting what one of the most respected and quoted etiquette experts says on the topic.
I can elaborate on her advice as best as I can based on what else I've read, but I can't answer every possible objection as if I myself embodied Miss Manners.
The 'difficulty' here is that it is rude to invite someone impersonally to a personal event such as a wedding. The fact that it's sometimes inconvenient or awkward to obtain these names doesn't change that basic pronouncement. I understand that a lot of folks here probably used the "and guest" method and thus have a vested interest in defending its propriety, but at least one major etiquette expert has come out strongly against the practice, and has given two excellent reasons for it.


------ ETF Boxes ------

I have a single BM who is getting a +1, but she does not yet know who she will be bringing. Am I to force her to decide who her +1 will be by the time the invitations go out? That, to me, seems far more awkward and inconvenient (for her and me) than writing "and guest" on the invitation.