Wedding Budget Dilema who is contributing

tyandlibor942016

So my Fiance' & will be paying for our wedding primarily on our own. My parents are not in any situation to contribute a sizable amount. His mom & sister however have generously offered to give us 5k each which would be a huge help as we would like to save to buy property in the next couple years. he has just recently become adament that we don't accept their financial help. He feels we should just split the cost, I on the other hand feel if they want to contribute let them. We will do something thoughtful to honor them the day of and thank them for their contribution but any help is great especially if it is unsolicited as I know this way they don't feel pressured. Should keep my mouth shut? This is his family, mine soon too but it is his mother and sister & I want to respect his feelings. His sister on the other hand has said if he doesnt want her $ she will just give it to me to spend. I am not comfortable with this but also don't want to say no to her $. Weddings are expensive!

southernbelle0915

His family, his call. 

He may know things about their financial situations that you don't. He may also know that money comes with strings. Just let him make this call. Plan to host the wedding you two can afford and leave it at that.

I would not accept $5K in "spending money" given just to me from my FSIL. Like never ever ever ever ever. Did I say 'ever'? If she writes you a check, hand it back. If she pushes it on you, don't cash it. 

On the flip side, if she gives this to the two of you for a wedding present, then accept it and be really gracious about it.

Dreamergirl8812

tyandlibor942016 said:

So my Fiance' & will be paying for our wedding primarily on our own. My parents are not in any situation to contribute a sizable amount. His mom & sister however have generously offered to give us 5k each which would be a huge help as we would like to save to buy property in the next couple years. he has just recently become adament that we don't accept their financial help. He feels we should just split the cost, I on the other hand feel if they want to contribute let them. We will do something thoughtful to honor them the day of and thank them for their contribution but any help is great especially if it is unsolicited as I know this way they don't feel pressured. Should keep my mouth shut? This is his family, mine soon too but it is his mother and sister & I want to respect his feelings. His sister on the other hand has said if he doesnt want her $ she will just give it to me to spend. I am not comfortable with this but also don't want to say no to her $. Weddings are expensive!

Why is your FI against accepting money? Is it control (she who pays has a say) or does he think he's too old/established to accept family money?

If it's the former, mom and sister can contribute to a specific thing, like flowers and your dress. If it's the latter, I think you need to respect his decision.

lovegood90

IMO since it's his family he should be able to have final say over whether or not you guys will accept their contribution. If he wants to decline their money, then I don't think it would be appropriate for you to accept any money from them either.

mikenberger

tyandlibor942016 said:

So my Fiance' & will be paying for our wedding primarily on our own. My parents are not in any situation to contribute a sizable amount. His mom & sister however have generously offered to give us 5k each which would be a huge help as we would like to save to buy property in the next couple years. he has just recently become adament that we don't accept their financial help. He feels we should just split the cost, I on the other hand feel if they want to contribute let them. We will do something thoughtful to honor them the day of and thank them for their contribution but any help is great especially if it is unsolicited as I know this way they don't feel pressured. Should keep my mouth shut? This is his family, mine soon too but it is his mother and sister & I want to respect his feelings. His sister on the other hand has said if he doesnt want her $ she will just give it to me to spend. I am not comfortable with this but also don't want to say no to her $. Weddings are expensive!

It is his family and if he doesn't want to take the money, you shouldn't take the money. And if the sister wants to give you the money, you still shouldn't take the money. Anything that you cannot do in front of your partner or you have to hide... you know you're doing something wrong. And getting money from family or anybody for that matter means, if they don't like something you're doing with the wedding, they've got money invested. They have opinions that matter. You need to listen to them.

I would tell the sister "Thank you so much for your gracious offer but you'll need to speak to your brother." Then move the conversation along. If they get upset that you won't allow them to contribute 5k each to their wedding, that's not your problem. What does it matter to them what you spend on your wedding? I'd question someone's intentions if they want to drop that kind of cash flow into my wedding. 

photokitty

Maybe he doesn't want them deciding if the menu should be beef or chicken. Maybe he knows their financial situation better than you. Maybe he feels you two are adults and should pay for your own wedding. Talk to your FI and find out why he feels this way. But if he doesn't want to take money from his family I don't think you should overrule his decision - it's his family.

MandyMost

How about "Thank you for the offer, it is so generous, but we are planning to pay for and host the wedding ourselves. If you'd like to give a wedding gift later that we can use to put towards a down payment on a future house, that's completely up to you. It's just really important to us that we do the wedding ourselves."

bananasplit472001

Yes, weddings are expensive but no one is telling you to spend a ton of money on one.  I would only plan a wedding that you and your FI could afford.  I would not be accepting money from other people if you FI says that he doesn't want it.  You can plan a perfectly nice wedding with whatever you can afford and you really shouldn't need someone else's money just because they are offering.  i guarantee they will want a say in a lot of things if they give you money.