Would it kill my fiance to help out at all?

suzcain

We're less than a month away, I haven't had time to call the DJ (just emails back and forth).  I haven't had the time to book a place for the rehearsal dinner.  I found the venue, found and purchased decorations, took my sister to get a MOH dress and shoes, went with a friend to get my own dress, helped myself into my dress at the tailor's because my sister forgot to show up to help me into it, found the DJ, found the photographer...  All my fiance has done is show up to appointments with the baker and florist and gave an opinion on cake flavor.  He still doesn't have a suit.  All I want him to do is book the rehearsal dinner and talk to the DJ.  And get a suit.  I have done EVERYTHING.  And I am sick of his getting to just show up and get married.  I've tried asking him.  I've tried arguing with him.  Asking him gets me, "I'm afraid I would mess it up" (the battle cry of every man in history ever asked to pitch in on "women's work"), and arguing gets me a complete lack of acknowledgement.  Am I alone???  If he wants a rehearsal dinner, he better d*** well book it himself!  I'm done!

Jen4948

I'd tell him that you are leaving specific things for him to do and if he doesn't do them, they won't get done, period.

But honestly, your post raises some red flags. Some of these things you're complaining about don't sound like they should be his responsibility at all, like your outfit and your sister's and bridesmaids' outfits. And he may well not care about decorations for whatever reason. As for picking out the venue, DJ, and photographer, yeah, that should have been something he should have done with you. If he's going to act like that in planning his wedding, what's he going to be like for the rest of his life?

So slow down, take a deep breath, and take a close look at him and yourself before you make any more wedding plans.

southernbelle0915

suzcain said:

We're less than a month away, I haven't had time to call the DJ (just emails back and forth).  I haven't had the time to book a place for the rehearsal dinner.  I found the venue, found and purchased decorations, took my sister to get a MOH dress and shoes, went with a friend to get my own dress, helped myself into my dress at the tailor's because my sister forgot to show up to help me into it, found the DJ, found the photographer...  All my fiance has done is show up to appointments with the baker and florist and gave an opinion on cake flavor.  He still doesn't have a suit.  All I want him to do is book the rehearsal dinner and talk to the DJ.  And get a suit.  I have done EVERYTHING.  And I am sick of his getting to just show up and get married.  I've tried asking him.  I've tried arguing with him.  Asking him gets me, "I'm afraid I would mess it up" (the battle cry of every man in history ever asked to pitch in on "women's work"), and arguing gets me a complete lack of acknowledgement.  Am I alone???  If he wants a rehearsal dinner, he better d*** well book it himself!  I'm done!

To the bolded:

I get really sick hearing about empty threats made in relationships. A girl I worked with use to say this ALL. THE. TIME. "I'm SO done with this." Yea, no you're not. You're going to keep bitching about it and continue planning the wedding. You're not "done" because you choose to keep going. And by doing so, you condition your SO to realize that the "I'm done" threat means absolutely nothing.

What you MEAN is "I'm so frustrated by your deadbeat ass and you need to fucking pull your weight." 

*rant over*

Have you asked for help? Are the things you're planning "you" things or are they things you both have expressed that you want? I ask that because he may not give a shit if you have any flowers at all. If he doesn't, that's your thing to worry about. On the other hand, if he wants his friends invited, he should help pick out, address, and stuff invitations to said friends. 

If he is refusing to help on mutual interest stuff, that's a big red flag you need to address outside the context of DJs and RDs.

MandyMost

I can't imagine dealing with someone like that...but apparently you have let this happen for the whole planning process (never mind your life before that), so I don't think there's too much you can do about it now. You can't expect people to change, especially to change just because you're stressed out. If you wanted to be with someone who did the planning and stepped up without being asked (or heck, even with being asked) then you should question how the rest of your life is going to be. 

I would have ONE conversation with him and basically say "I'm so stressed about planning for the wedding. Do you still want the wedding we've discussed, with ceremony, reception, etc? If so, this is what needs to be done. You need to get your suit and to get it by X date, in the house, altered ready to go by Y date. You need to call the DJ and finalize the music plans by X date. And you need to find a restaurant and book the rehearsal dinner by X date. If you don't do these things, then you won't have a suit, we won't have a rehearsal dinner, and the DJ won't know what to play.". And you have to figure out if you're OK with not having a rehearsal dinner, with your fiance marrying you in something other than a suit, and the DJ not knowing what to do...and what are you going to do if you're NOT fine with this?

peachy13

How does your fiance deal with other important stuff he has coming up? Is he a last-minute person? If he is, why not jot some notes down on post-its about calling the DJ and finding a rehearsal dinner and leave them where he'll see them. Give him a deadline (we need to call the DJ by Friday and the rehearsal dinner really has to be booked before the end of the month) and ask him flat-out if you can count on him to get it done. Try not to nag, just have a conversation with him. Tell him you're busy with a lot of other things and that you need his help.

theartistformerlyknownas

Yes he will literally die. Also, his penis will fall off. Don't you know men are incapable of doing all these things, and laundry? Sort of like women are genetically incapable of following through on threats.

</sarcasm font>

[Deleted User]

Tell him he's a grown-ass man and if he can't handle getting a suit for himself and making a phone call without setting the building on fire, he can't handle getting married. Feigning incompetence to make their wives/girlfriends do what they don't want to do is a common tactic, and if you put up with it now, you'll be putting up with it for the rest of your life.

However, as PP have pointed out, don't make ultimatums if you're not going to stick to your guns, because otherwise you're just training him that what you say doesn't hold weight. Tell him what he needs to do, when by, and tell him if he doesn't do them, then they're not getting done. Mentally prepare yourself for him to show up at the wedding in khaki cargo shorts and have the DJ play the Chicken Dance all night and fight any urge to help him out, because honestly, once he sees you're not going to give in, he'll find some competency right quick.

That said, if it gets to the week of and he still hasn't done any of it? Think very hard about how this makes you feel, and if you want to feel this way for the next N number of years married to a guy who refuses to perform simple tasks to relieve your stress and aggravation. This behavior is hurtful and annoying now -- imagine this attitude when you have kids (if you want to have them.) Don't set yourself up for misery.

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

Yes he will literally die. Also, his penis will fall off. Don't you know men are incapable of doing all these things, and laundry? Sort of like women are genetically incapable of following through on threats.

</sarcasm font>

Guys, I totally missed the thread where we decided on sarcasm font, but--and I am being totally serious here--I really think that the kind of people who generally "go for" comic sans are maybe the most earnest people in the entire world. Are we confident it's a good choice for sarcasm? Is it being meta? Like, a person who would say the kinds of things that we are making fun of would also be really into purple comic sans?

I just...I don't feel comfortable using it myself until I have unpacked it like a huge dork.

theartistformerlyknownas

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

Yes he will literally die. Also, his penis will fall off. Don't you know men are incapable of doing all these things, and laundry? Sort of like women are genetically incapable of following through on threats.

</sarcasm font>

Guys, I totally missed the thread where we decided on sarcasm font, but--and I am being totally serious here--I really think that the kind of people who generally "go for" comic sans are maybe the most earnest people in the entire world. Are we confident it's a good choice for sarcasm? Is it being meta? Like, a person who would say the kinds of things that we are making fun of would also be really into purple comic sans?

I just...I don't feel comfortable using it myself until I have unpacked it like a huge dork.

There aren't really a lot of fonts to choose from. Is this better? More dry and brooding?

plainjane0415

Here's my personal take on all things wedding when it comes to my FI and I.

I'm a planner, not a procrastinator.  FI is not a planner, and is a procrastinator. 

I'm also not a delegator, I work better if I have a to do list, and can just work down it and get stuff done.  When I need help, (and this is becoming more common now that we are 50 days out) I just ask him, for example, I've asked him if he would take the task of getting together welcome bags for the guests.  He's also been the main contact for our pastor that will be marrying us, and he has taken care of our travel plans to get to Aruba for the wedding. And I just check in periodically to see what he has gotten done.

With this, we both know exactly what's going on with all aspects of the wedding.  When I get something close to being planned, or I have an idea I want to use in the ceremony or reception, I run it by him and we talk about it and decide it together, and vice versa, with the stuff he's kind of been overseeing.  It's worked out really well for us. And we both have the mindset of, what matters is getting married, everything else is just fluff. He's been really great throughout the process.

I think the biggest thing is open communication.  You all need to be able to openly communicate about what you want for YOUR wedding. You can't go to him about this stuff when you've been stewing about it for days and are already pissed off because he hasn't come to you with a boatload of suggestions and ways to help.  You will most certainly come off in the wrong way, and can make things worse.

ETA:  Words.  

KatieinBkln

lolo883 said:

KatieinBkln said:

lolo883 said:

Yes he will literally die. Also, his penis will fall off. Don't you know men are incapable of doing all these things, and laundry? Sort of like women are genetically incapable of following through on threats.

</sarcasm font>

Guys, I totally missed the thread where we decided on sarcasm font, but--and I am being totally serious here--I really think that the kind of people who generally "go for" comic sans are maybe the most earnest people in the entire world. Are we confident it's a good choice for sarcasm? Is it being meta? Like, a person who would say the kinds of things that we are making fun of would also be really into purple comic sans?

I just...I don't feel comfortable using it myself until I have unpacked it like a huge dork.

There aren't really a lot of fonts to choose from. Is this better? More dry and brooding?

Holy shit. I have just realized that the only thing more earnest than a Comic Sans user is a Courier user (I am such a hater, I know--but for real, Guy Who Queried the Literary Agency I Used to Work At, we know that you aren't at an actual typewriter. Because you emailed us this manuscript. Get off it).

I rescind my criticism--purple comic sans is WAY better than courier!

hellohkb

What is he like with other tasks? It may not be because he's a man and he can't do "womens work" yadda yadda, but he may just be super last minute. It takes my FH a LONG time to get motivated with doing stuff. This wedding is no different. We've been engaged since November 2013 and he's just started getting really into wedding stuff. Now we're a little over 9 months away from the wedding and he's just getting interested in helping out.

I've started by giving him a task that I know he would genuinely enjoy, which is work on the wedding website. He works in IT and this is his passion, so I knew coding up a website from scratch would be a pleasure for him to do. He's working on it as we speak. Now he's begun getting really interested in other wedding stuff too, like the invites, music, and ceremony decor. 

Maybe he feels like you're breathing down his neck. Let him be in charge of something without you saying anything. If he's not interested in flowers, then oh well. Let that be something you do on your own. 

larrygaga

So when our couple best friend got married, the guy kept saying things like

"It's your wedding, what do you wanna do?"

"I'm not good at _____ like you are. I would just mess it all up"

My FI promised me that he wouldn't start a wedding planning process and then ditch me with all the work. He tried to do it, I broke down in angry tears and told him I'm cancelling it and we are eloping. He suddenly had interest in calling vendors and helping me pick out designs.

I am the artistic one, and I am big on DIY. That doesn't mean he gets out of everything. There were plenty of little tasks a monkey could do, so I figured my biomed engineer could figure it out. 

Those are piss poor excuses. 

ashley8918

He sounds like kind of a shit.

mrscomposer

The VERY FIRST thing that happened when we started planning was a conversation in which I asked J what was important to him.  His answer was music, dessert, guy's apparel, rehearsal dinner, and our accommodations.

Perfect.  That's what you're in charge of, and I take care of everything else.  Obviously we asked each others opinions, and he helped on everything I DIY'd, but the guy can't really tell the difference between a rose and a ranunculus, so what the heck does he care about flowers?  He was afraid of 'messing stuff up' with the invites, too, but he did them anyway - because I needed his help.

This is a conversation that you should have had right at the beginning.  If you knew he was only interested in the cake flavour, then it wouldn't have been such a big deal when that was one of the only appointments he came to. 

I'm with everyone else who is saying that there are red flags all over hell's half acre with this thing.  Arguing gets you a lack of acknowledgement?  As in - he's IGNORING YOU?  I'd be done too, but not just with the wedding planning.

VulgarGirl

Oh those men.

How do you split up other tasks? Wifey is great at research and I'm good at scheduling. So she found the places and I called them. We play to our strengths. Regardless of genitals.

climbingsingle

Yeah, this would not fly with me. My H stuffed envelopes, hired the DJ, picked out his tux and helped me make all of the centerpieces. Oh and mailed all the invites and thank you cards.

This is not a man/woman thing. He needs to pitch in. But I have a feeling if he's like this with the wedding, he's like this with other things in life. And if that's true, don't expect that to ever change.

lauraukoctober2014

Not a guy thing is a bad excuse my husband did a lot of the "girl" tasks for our wedding. made the invitations on computer made programmes (yeah I wrote the text out as that's a better point for me) and various other arty tasks. In the final week we both stopped up to silly o'clock doing little tasks. He really doesn't like flowers can't see the point of them so I made the centre pieces brought button holes etc but he gave an opinion, he was probably overall more involved with the wedding than me in the end I'm so bad at finalising decisions so he took control of those.

sorry on phone for bad writing!

mikenberger

suzcain said:

We're less than a month away, I haven't had time to call the DJ (just emails back and forth).  I haven't had the time to book a place for the rehearsal dinner.  I found the venue, found and purchased decorations, took my sister to get a MOH dress and shoes, went with a friend to get my own dress, helped myself into my dress at the tailor's because my sister forgot to show up to help me into it, found the DJ, found the photographer...  All my fiance has done is show up to appointments with the baker and florist and gave an opinion on cake flavor.  He still doesn't have a suit.  All I want him to do is book the rehearsal dinner and talk to the DJ.  And get a suit.  I have done EVERYTHING.  And I am sick of his getting to just show up and get married.  I've tried asking him.  I've tried arguing with him.  Asking him gets me, "I'm afraid I would mess it up" (the battle cry of every man in history ever asked to pitch in on "women's work"), and arguing gets me a complete lack of acknowledgement.  Am I alone???  If he wants a rehearsal dinner, he better d*** well book it himself!  I'm done!

My favorite cop out. Which is all it is; a cop out. My FI tried doing the same thing "This is all her. I just want to show up and get married and have a beer." Yeah, well sorry dude. Doesn't work like that. So we had a firm conversation. What I expected of him and what he expected of me. FI's thing is food. So that's what he's working on; coordinating the food for the rehearsal dinner and the catering. He's also helped with tasks he didn't necessary care for (stuffing and sealing envelopes) but when I asked for his help, he found it an opportunity to do things his way. Which means some of the envelopes were super sealed and wet. Annoying? Sure. Looks like a damn Saint Bernard licked our envelopes (He used a sponge - ingenious, yes. Just needed a little tweaking.) but he was helping. And we were doing it together. I also hired a day of coordinator to help out with the day of activities so neither one of us is overwhelmed or the other watches one coast through the day whilst the other is losing their mind. 

Typically, a human doesn't get motivated by fights/yelling/screaming matches. They're either going to fight back or close up. And if they're like me, it just makes me move slower. Maybe having a heart to heart with him just telling him your feelings and thoughts will work. I've also found "One hour of wedding stuff" a week is about my FIs max. So we get together on Mon/Tues for one hour on strictly wedding stuff. This is when we go over stuff that needs to be done for the week: DJ, rehearsal dinner, suits... whatever. And that's when tasks are made in Outlook or on our joint Google calendar. Then we have one check up later in the week and that's it. There's no nagging, no reminders (beyond what we already made). And when he makes a decision, I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. If I've delegated, that's it. It's his wedding too, he needs to partake in it. Period. The end. 

It would give me a lot of red flags if my partner refused to help with the wedding because he "didn't want to screw it up." What if you two have kids? Is he not going to co-parent because he doesn't want to screw it up? What about the general upkeeping of the house? Doesn't want to vacuum because he doesn't want to break the vacuum? Sure, it's a little far reaching, but if he's starting this now, I'd be a little concerned.

dresdendoll

I'm in a similar boat with my FI. He is super busy with finishing up school and working full-time so he hasn't been able to help as much as he would like. He also has the tendency to procrastinate on things that give him anxiety. What I found works for us is to set a firm time to work on things and then hold my FI to it. 

Recently, we needed to finalize the guest list. I asked him which evening would work for him to tackle that and we set up a time to do it. We weren't able to finish it so we set up another time to work on it the next weekend.

I've also been the one that has been doing most of the research and we then decide together which vendors to contact. We also do one vendor after the other and don't start talking about he next vendor until one has been booked so things don't get too overwhelming. That has really been helping with keeping the planning on track.

redoryx

You need to tell him "I need you to do X and X and I need them done by this date. If you won't or don't, then they aren't happening at all." 

If he doesn't get them done, that's all on him and you can't fix it by doing it for him, even after the deadline. You need to hold him to all of that, otherwise it only enables this behavior to continue.

mrsdee15

My best friend's now-husband wasn't involved much in their planning because he didn't want to be, but that was more the design aspect. If she asked him to make calls or something, he'd absolutely do it.  This sounds like a whole lot of cop out.  Maybe set aside time on the weekend when you're both free and say "I need  you to do x, y, and z right now while I do a, b, and c for the wedding.  Let's get it all done now and then we won't worry about it."  If he says he'll "mess it up" or something, just tell him he won't and you're doing this now.  Rinse and repeat. 

When we first got engaged I told FI that he could be as involved or not involved as he wanted, but as a warning, the less involved he was, the more things would be covered in glitter.  He's been very involved.

mikenberger

mrsdee15 said:

My best friend's now-husband wasn't involved much in their planning because he didn't want to be, but that was more the design aspect. If she asked him to make calls or something, he'd absolutely do it.  This sounds like a whole lot of cop out.  Maybe set aside time on the weekend when you're both free and say "I need  you to do x, y, and z right now while I do a, b, and c for the wedding.  Let's get it all done now and then we won't worry about it."  If he says he'll "mess it up" or something, just tell him he won't and you're doing this now.  Rinse and repeat. 

When we first got engaged I told FI that he could be as involved or not involved as he wanted, but as a warning, the less involved he was, the more things would be covered in glitter.  He's been very involved.

Threatening with glitter and/or pink always works.

MandyMost

As someone else said, you have to play to your strengths. I did a ton of the planning and all of the organization, and definitely delegated some tasks to my now-husband. But he did a ton of the "grunt work". He addressed and stamped and stuffed basically every envelope that needed it (save the dates, thank you notes, invites, rehearsal dinner invites). Yes, I gave him printouts of exactly how they should be addressed, but that's my strength. He cleaned the 150 votive candle holders and packed everything up, and made the welcome bags. I get bored easily and hate doing stuff like that. 

julieanne912

In our relationship, even before engagement, I am the organizer and planner.  He travels a lot for work so that's just sort of how the cards fell.  After we got engaged, I asked him "Ok, what do you care about in terms of this wedding?"  He said "beer, and music".  So, voila, his tasks are taking care of the beer and the playlists.  He didn't come to the photographer meeting, or the cake tasting.  He doesn't care at all about that stuff, so why should I expect him to get excited about it?

Plus, if you delegate yourself properly, and plan ahead, there's no need to leave a bunch of stuff to the last minute so you freak out when it's not done.  

Plus, you're sounding a bit bridezilla-y.  No wonder he doesn't want to do anything, because he's afraid you'll yell at him if it's not done perfectly.  And, a rehearsal dinner is not a requirement.  None of the stuff you mentioned is required at all to get married.  

redoryx

julieanne912 said:

In our relationship, even before engagement, I am the organizer and planner.  He travels a lot for work so that's just sort of how the cards fell.  After we got engaged, I asked him "Ok, what do you care about in terms of this wedding?"  He said "beer, and music".  So, voila, his tasks are taking care of the beer and the playlists.  He didn't come to the photographer meeting, or the cake tasting.  He doesn't care at all about that stuff, so why should I expect him to get excited about it?

Plus, if you delegate yourself properly, and plan ahead, there's no need to leave a bunch of stuff to the last minute so you freak out when it's not done.  

Plus, you're sounding a bit bridezilla-y.  No wonder he doesn't want to do anything, because he's afraid you'll yell at him if it's not done perfectly.  And, a rehearsal dinner is not a requirement.  None of the stuff you mentioned is required at all to get married.  

Well, if they have a rehearsal it is. It's the rehearsal itself that's not really a requirement.

[Deleted User]

redoryx said:

julieanne912 said:

In our relationship, even before engagement, I am the organizer and planner.  He travels a lot for work so that's just sort of how the cards fell.  After we got engaged, I asked him "Ok, what do you care about in terms of this wedding?"  He said "beer, and music".  So, voila, his tasks are taking care of the beer and the playlists.  He didn't come to the photographer meeting, or the cake tasting.  He doesn't care at all about that stuff, so why should I expect him to get excited about it?

Plus, if you delegate yourself properly, and plan ahead, there's no need to leave a bunch of stuff to the last minute so you freak out when it's not done.  

Plus, you're sounding a bit bridezilla-y.  No wonder he doesn't want to do anything, because he's afraid you'll yell at him if it's not done perfectly.  And, a rehearsal dinner is not a requirement.  None of the stuff you mentioned is required at all to get married.  

Well, if they have a rehearsal it is. It's the rehearsal itself that's not really a requirement.

Yes, but the Rehearsal Dinner can be pizza and beer in the lobby of the hotel they're staying at.  The rental of a party room in a fancy-ish restaurant with a limited menu printed for all guests to decide what they'd like and a larger budget line is NOT a requirement.

NowIamMrsKlein

I wanted to Elope. FI wanted a big family wedding. After looking at the pro's and con's of both we decided to go with the traditional family wedding.

Then we sat down and discussed what was most important to each of us and that became our personal tasks.

When FI schedule changed and he was home way more often than working and I was working a regular 8-5 job we sat down again and discussed things that would be helpful if he could do while he was at home. So while he may not be particulary interested in making favour boxes, he saw that it would be extremely helpful if he did a couple each day instead of sitting at home playing video games all day.

Because he is an adult. And it's as much his wedding as mine.

Are you super picky about things and that's why he is 'afraid to mess it up'? maybe try and relax a bit over the details and then he wont be so scared to screw things up and then will be more helpful. Tell him that those jobs are his choices. That you will be happy with whatever he decides. If you take the pressure away of making sure he does it to your standards then maybe he will be more willing to participate.

redoryx

adk19 said:

redoryx said:

julieanne912 said:

In our relationship, even before engagement, I am the organizer and planner.  He travels a lot for work so that's just sort of how the cards fell.  After we got engaged, I asked him "Ok, what do you care about in terms of this wedding?"  He said "beer, and music".  So, voila, his tasks are taking care of the beer and the playlists.  He didn't come to the photographer meeting, or the cake tasting.  He doesn't care at all about that stuff, so why should I expect him to get excited about it?

Plus, if you delegate yourself properly, and plan ahead, there's no need to leave a bunch of stuff to the last minute so you freak out when it's not done.  

Plus, you're sounding a bit bridezilla-y.  No wonder he doesn't want to do anything, because he's afraid you'll yell at him if it's not done perfectly.  And, a rehearsal dinner is not a requirement.  None of the stuff you mentioned is required at all to get married.  

Well, if they have a rehearsal it is. It's the rehearsal itself that's not really a requirement.

Yes, but the Rehearsal Dinner can be pizza and beer in the lobby of the hotel they're staying at.  The rental of a party room in a fancy-ish restaurant with a limited menu printed for all guests to decide what they'd like and a larger budget line is NOT a requirement.

....Okay? Nowhere did I say they had to have a big fancy expensive shindig.

badbnagdway

First, OP, I suggest you check yourself. My sister and I have a saying and it stems from my mother's constant requests that we help her paired with her perception of our apparently complete ineptitude. For example, my mother will give us a task, it can be basic, like, make scrambled eggs, and we will manage to "do it wrong" because we do it differently than she would. The eggs still get made and taste fantastic but we're still "doing it wrong". Is there a chance that your FI feels this way? If you ask him for help, and he helps, do you, invariably, focus on the ways that he "did it wrong"? Edit: just wanted to add that my point is if you are this way, you may be unintentionally making others unwilling to help you because they feel they can't win with you. 

If so, follow this two-step line of questioning to determine if you really will be able to effectively delegate the task: 1. Is your judgment indispensable to the task? (Example: you are indispensable for the task of picking out your own wedding dress) and 2. How much do you care if the task gets done, but gets done in a way that is different from what you envisioned? (Example: your FI can plan the rehearsal dinner himself, without any help from you, but if it's important for you to have it be a certain type of event, you need to be involved).

If none of the above applies to you, and your FI flat out never helps you at all, you have a bigger problem than picking out a suit or planning the rehearsal dinner. You should never expect anyone to magically change when you are married to them. Life will be substantially similar after the wedding as before, so if you're not happy with the status quo that is an issue. 

Lastly, it's easy to feel overwhelmed as the wedding nears. Partly it seems like everyone you know expects you to panic, and that makes you panic just a bit because of their expectations. Take a day or two off from wedding stuff, even this close that is doable, and just chill.