Second Weddings

How do I DO this?

Hi everyone!  I almost can't believe the whirlwind the last 18 months of my life have been.  I'm newly engaged (no actual ring yet,we're shopping for it together - his idea) for the second time (his first).  So here's pretty much how this goes - October 2013 ex husband cheats and walked out, December 2013 we divorce (we're both lawyers so it was super fast for us).  September 2014 - Meet FI.  Just this weekend (March 2015) - decide to marry.  There are no children for either of us.

First of all - thank you SO MUCH for the "It's Normal" link out of the welcome section.  I feel like it covers SO MUCH of what I'm going through, but I also feel like there's this huge flood of additional questions and anxieties.  I was hoping jotting down what's going through my head at the moment might give us gals a chance to share several of these concerns at once.  I know I'd appreciate the input.

QUESTIONS:
Is it too fast? Less than 18 months ago I would have sworn I would never marry again.  Now I'm engaged just a little after six months of meeting someone - I doesn't feel fast to me except for when I look back at where I was?  Did any of you have such drastic changes?  I've noticed in other postings that it tended to be a long time after divorce before people met their seconds (or thirds!) and tended to be longer dating histories before engagement.  What do you guys think?

I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it?

I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to.  What are the rules on this?

Do I have to wear a short or not white dress?

Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding?  Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right? 

Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this?

And with all of these sorts of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want!  It's okay!  It's all about the two of you!  Forget everyone else! and then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about all of those things?

Thanks girls!!!




Re: How do I DO this?

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    So, I got married for the first time in 2004. I left him a year later. In 2008, I started dating someone, and we moved in together. I broke things off in February of 2013, and it was a very messy breakup. In April 2013, I started dating my now husband. It moved quickly. We were engaged after 5 months. 
    I was worried people would think I was moving too quickly. But honestly, I was happy and I knew in my heart it was right. Try not to give too much thought about what others think. If you feel it's right, then that's all that matters. 

    I didn't feel comfortable registering and having a shower, even though it was my husband's first wedding/marriage. But that's just me. 

    I wore a beautiful white dress, You can wear whatever you want. It's not wrong to want that, or a big wedding again. You're celebrating a new life, a new marriage with a new person.  

    MollyandD
  • Thanks so much for the encouragement!  I keep telling myself that as long as I putting us and we think and want first that the rest of it will work out.  Here's hoping!!!!
    mwprn1013
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Hi to you, welcome tot he forums :)
    QUESTIONS:
    Is it too fast? Only you can answer this. I took a few years for myself after my divorce. DH moved more quickly, we met a year after his divorce and he dated someone before me and after the divorce. We got engaged after 8 months of dating and married 8 months after that. It worked for us. It's different for every couple. 
    Atty526 said:


    I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it? I did not have any showers. I felt weird having them since I had them the first time. Again, personal choice.

    I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to.  What are the rules on this? It is perfectly fine to register. It is not against etiquette to register for a second wedding, so you can register if you choose, or not. We opted not to register anywhere, but we didn't really need any household items.

    Do I have to wear a short or not white dress? Heck no, wear what you feel wonderful, confident and happy in - appropriateness to the time and location should be considered, but not weather it is a first, second or 13th wedding.

    Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding?  Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right?  We had a big second wedding. We have big families and DH could afford to properly host them all in a full blown wedding. It's not wrong to want this, but it is important to decide if you can afford it without going into debt. Don't expect anyone else to pay for it, and don't ask them to - even with a first wedding, you should never expect parents to pay. It is their call if they want to contribute.

    Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this? Nope, we had the wedding we wanted.

    And with all of these sorts of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want!  It's okay!  It's all about the two of you!  Forget everyone else! and then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about all of those things? It should be about you, but the moment you invite others it's not just your day. As long as you properly host your guests then you can do whatever you want. I didn't worry if people thought I shouldn't wear white or a veil, it disn't affect my guests' comfort so it's sole my choice. Same thing about a big, lavish wedding - if we can afford it and choose to spend our money on a big, fancy wedding, that's our call. 

    Thanks girls!!!

    GL! :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • classicalandedgyclassicalandedgy Connecticut
    Knottie Warrior 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    member

    My story:  I got married in 2005, divorced March 2013.  Dated one person during separation and after divorce, that relationship ended in September 2013.  Met FI in October 2013 and we were engaged in October 2014 with a July 2015 wedding.  We knew right away it was right for us.  My FI has a son so we waited a while before getting engaged but we knew in a couple of months that we were perfect for each other.  I don't really care what other people think, I'm sure many people think it's too fast, but we are happy and that is all that matters to us.   

     

    I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it? No showers or parties for us... we have everything we need.

    I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to.  What are the rules on this? We did register, but just because FI stated that his family only gives gifts and if we don't register we'll end up with a lot of stuff we don't need.  

    Do I have to wear a short or not white dress? Wear what makes you feel beautiful, if you want a white wedding dress do for it!

    Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding?  Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right?  My second wedding while it is not large, is much bigger than my first, I totally understand the sentiment.  We went from thinking of eloping to a 40-50 person affair in a museum and it feels right to us.  So again if you want big and can afford to go big, then by all means go big.

    Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this?  Nope, too old and experienced to let others influence our wedding, and we are paying for it ourselves, so there's that.

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  • If you have doubts, this is normal and healthy.  If you are really worried, go to pre-marriage couples counseling.
    Second marriage etiquette is not much different from a first marriage.  You can wear whatever you want, and that includes a traditional white wedding dress.  Veils are fine, though the blusher veil that covers the face is not usually worn.  Showers are not expected.  The bride is escorted down the aisle, but not usually "given away" during the ceremony.  Many modern brides dislike this and skip it, anyway.
    Relax and plan the wedding you really want...and, congratulations!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • I was married in 05, separated in 2010, and finally divorced in 2012. I've been dating my fiance for four years now (I was still working on the divorce for our first year together!) and I knew about six months in that he was The One. Since day one, our relationship has been stronger than even the best moments with my first husband, and I frequently wonder what my younger self was thinking.

    Anyway, so I've been married before and he hasn't. His parents divorced when he was young, and both remarried; his mom eloped, and his late father had a big church wedding with his never-before-married second wife. So we have a little of everything going on.

    We're planning a largeish wedding. The guest list is still in the ballpark stage, but it's somewhere around 80. We're going to register because I left my first marriage with one suitcase and I'm tired of eating off the fiance's bachelor plates. If people are going to buy us gifts, I'd like to direct them to stuff we want; I don't feel that the registry itself is a cry for presents. I also anticipate at least one or two pre-wedding parties because his family is big on parties; they all know I've been married before, so if they still want to throw parties, I won't say no. I expect there will be a lot more focus on party games and good times than on presents, or at least I hope so. Plates aside, we don't need much, but being surrounded by love is awesome.

    We did talk about eloping, but the conclusion we came to was that our families are thrilled for us, we're both bursting at the seams with happiness, and screw anyone who doesn't want to share in that.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • First, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Wish you two so much love and happiness!!! Yay you!!!

    I had a very emotional divorce (included a restraining order), and in California it takes at least 6 months to finalize the divorce. I left my ex 2/2013, officially divorced (after the mandatory 6 month waiting period) 8/2013, and then I met my FI end of September 2013. In between leaving my ex and meeting my FI I've dated, played the field, and just had fun. When I met FI, and really when I woke up next to him the following morning, I didn't have an urge to get him out the door so that I can go on with my day. I knew he was "the one". We got engaged a year later. It's such an elated feeling to find that person who just feels "right" for you, someone that doesn't complete you, but complements you. Someone who you want to come home to. So congratulations to you and may the two of you be ever so happy together!!

    As for your questions:
    Is it too fast? No, do what feels right, and just make sure before you take that step that you truly are ready and happy. It seems that you are, so go for it, do it, have fun.

    I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it? No idea. I kind of hate the idea of them, but do want to have a small pre-wedding party for everyone (guys and gals) to go out and have fun (which in my case will include a nice lunch and maybe a blues bar or something, nothing crazy).

    I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to.  What are the rules on this? It depends on what you two need I think. I didn't register for my first, and because I am russian, my family doesn't do registries (we gift money to the newlyweds - helps cover some of the costs).

    Do I have to wear a short or not white dress? No, unless you'd like to. I don't like long dresses, and I hate poofy dresses. I'm making my own wedding dress for the upcoming wedding (a 50s style knee length - white/off white, with a light blue petticoat and lace details).

    Did
    anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding?  Is it wrong
    to want a major celebration for the one that feels right?  Nothing wrong with that at all. FI and I are planning a wedding for 80 people tops, with BBQ food for the reception.

    Does
    anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful
    and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you
    feel like you have to be hiding this? No. If anyone is pushing you to do something you don't want, you should keep them at arm's length, don't discuss your wedding with them. It's your and FI's wedding, not theirs. Just, no. F that.

    And with all of these sorts
    of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they
    read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want! 
    It's okay!  It's all about the two of you!  Forget everyone else! and
    then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about
    all of those things? Kind of. Picking a reception and date has been stressful. We'll be doing a Friday wedding in a city between both our cities, and my mom is giving me a hard time about why can't it be Saturday, and how will people get there, people don't know where it is, why can't it be in SF, people may not be able to take the day off, blah blah. The way I see it is this way: if they want to make it and can, that's awesome. If they can't make it, we get it, they'll be missed, but life goes on. Most will take the time off and come to the wedding, because it's a celebration. At the end of the day, I don't want to be surrounded by haters, those who gossip, and just negative people (learned that from first marriage), and want to be surrounded by those who love us and want to celebrate with us. Also, it'll cut the catering cost down. It also helps to have your FI support your feelings with this, or both of you come to reasonable compromises regarding some of the decisions.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    FWIW- OP has not been active since the day after she posted this.

     







  • You get to do whatever you want!! This is your special day.

    Here is my story. I married way too young and was married for 10 years. I have 3 kids with my ex. My fiance was married for 2 years and had no children. So second marriage for us both.

    And a huge surprise haha, a week or two after he proposed to me I found out we are expecting a baby *ahhh!!* lol.

    We've went back and forth with how we wanted to get married and finally decided. We went from eloping by ourselves to a huge wedding with a ton of people. What we decided on is this. We booked a small venue that only holds 28 people and only does the ceremony part. It's really pretty and seems like an easy and simple way to do it. We are inviting our family and close friend to attend. After the ceremony we are going out to a nice dinner with everyone. Then we are spending the weekend out of town for Halloween (wedding is Oct 30th) and plan on going out with friends and just having a blast all weekend.

    This works for us because we both have demanding jobs with tight schedules. We already live together and are going to have a newborn baby. I personally don't want to spend a million dollars on the "traditional" wedding. I will have everything I need, my family/friends, and quality time with the man I want to spend my life with.

    I won't be setting up a registry due to the fact that we already live together. I did tell people that if they insist on getting something to just give us money to put together for a cruise we want to go on. I'm also planning on buying a gorgeous dress.

    It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it will work perfect for us. You do exactly what you want to do! It doesn't matter if you've been here before or not.
  • I was married in 1990, separated in 1995, legally divorced in 1999. I was in a relationship with someone else from 2004-2013. I left him, moved 3500 miles away and took a little time to myself then WHAM! I met FI in a bar in May 2014. He proposed in April 2015 and we are getting married in September! He says he knew he was going to marry me after we had dated only a month. I knew by November (6 months). When it's right, it's right and you should feel free to celebrate that.
    We are having a smaller wedding on the beach but it's going to be a GREAT party with our friends and family. I'm wearing a wedding gown and we are doing most of the "wedding things" but not all of them. We aren't having a wedding party but our adult kids are going to be a part of the day. I'm not sure if I'm having a shower but my friends have implied that I am and that we are also going out without the men for a night. We aren't doing the garter or bouquet toss. 
    The whole thing is exciting and I have to say- planning this wedding is SO much more fun than planning my first one. 
    Congratulations!
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown
    Moderator Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Closing as a zombie thread.

     







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