Shower registry etiquette: is this theme off the wall??

Knottie1445136220

Here's long story short:

- My fiance and I have lived together forever and we even own a house together.

- I'm a crazy shopaholic so our gift registry is pretty lackluster (I already buy things "upgraded" so I literally don't need ANYTHING that's under a grand)

- My mom's pestering me about my registry in regards to the shower, saying it's rude to NOT have a wide array of gifts at different price points etc. I get this. She says guests WANT to purchase a physical gift, at least for the shower.

- I really don't want people to WASTE money on things I don't need.

- My question is: Can I have a "Wedding Day" themed shower where the items on my registry are things specific to that day, or is that impertinent? (e.g. bridal earrings, something blue, garter, engraved cake cuter momentum, Polaroid camera, bridal hair piece, etc). My thoughts behind this: we're very Italian and I feel like my family would like to 'participate' and feel involved in the wedding by contributing to the day, but am I flirting with an etiquette no-no?

aliwis000

I am going to say this is not something you want to do. I liken it to the "stock the bar" showers that are big no-nos. (Guests bring booze to stock the bar at the wedding so essentially they are paying for their own drinks, just a few weeks before the wedding.)

You are correct in thinking the shower is to shower the bride with gifts. These are physical gifts, that is why you do not have a shower for gift cards or cash. It is rude. (Now I have never been to a shower where the bride did not get some money but that was 100% the choice of the gift giver and did not appear on the invite or anything like that.)

If you truly do not need anything, decline the shower. If you still want to have a party/gathering of your closest friends/relatives do not call it a shower. Call it a tea or lunch or one of the other many things that do not signify a gift giving event. Registry information therefore would not be in the invite to this event or appear on your wedding website, if you have one. (Obviously, since you will not be registering.) Your host can also then, by word of mouth, spread the knowledge that this is a non-gift giving event if anyone asks and is confused.

If you DO opt for a shower ensure you have a variety of non-wedding things at various price points on a registry. The store, or two, you pick should have many locations and offer both a physical store and online option. This makes it easier on your guests to pick what works for them.

levioosa

Honestly, this sounds incredibly tacky.  Showers are meant to "shower" the bride with gifts and are meant to help set her and her FI up for marriage.  In addition, your reception is a thank you to your guests.  So by having a shower where guests are meant to pay for things for the reception, you are making them subsidize their own thank you.  Super rude.  You also aren't supposed to use shower gifts until after the wedding, making this "shower" completely pointless as you can't use the "wedding" themed gifts until after the wedding has already taken place. 

If you truly can't think of anything you would like to change/upgrade, then don't have a shower.  If you would like to spend time with the family, have a bridal luncheon and spread through word of mouth that it is not a gift giving event..  Don't register at all, and if people ask where you are registered for the wedding, just tell them you are saving up for X.  People always know cash is a good gift, and, as a fellow Italian, I guarantee you that your Italian family knows cash is a good gift. 

I'm also going to preemtively say as an FYI, that Honeyfunds are very rude and tacky, and that they are essentially telling people to give you money.  They also take a percentage of the gift to keep.  So if you are tempted by that route, don't do it.  It is not etiquette approved, it is rude, and you still end up with a big check anyways, minus the fees. 

southernbelle0915

I'm sorry, it's really tacky. 

The purpose of a shower is so people can buy you physical gifts for you to start a home together. It's incredibly tacky to ask for personal stuff and money at a shower. People probably won't say anything to you directly, but I guarantee people will side eye this really hard. Hate to say it since you probably don't want to hear it, but your mom is spot on here. 

If you've already purchased everything you need (that's not over $1K), then you should forgo the shower. Or add reasonably priced things that you need/want to your registry and have the shower. 

Knottie1445136220

Ok. I'll cancel the shower. Thanks!

Knottie1445136220

Hmmm I literally have ALL of that stuff including backup sheets... Call me crazy but nesting a house to perfection was always my thing. Before I even left for college I was saving up for that gorgeous $4,000 anthropologie rug I just had to have. I saved + have a good job so I have all my luxuries already. I bought a house with my fiance at 25 so I've been nesting for years.

Can I register for toilet paper and face wash? Lol.

Only choice seems to be no shower which is fine with me! Mom might be bummed.

southernbelle0915

It sounds like your only choice is no shower. It wouldn't be appropriate to register for stuff like paper supplies and toiletries.

Tell your mom she could always throw you a bridal brunch or something. Those are non-gift giving events but still gives everyone a chance to get together.

MairePoppy

A stock the bar shower is fine, if it's your home bar you're stocking. Guests could bring liquor, wine, cocktail glasses, shakers, recipe books, toasting flutes, cheese board etc....Hey, I'd happily shop for and attend this type of shower.

Personal shower - guests bring items for your trousseau - lingerie, lotion, travel items, manicure set, your something blue and earrings would be okay for this theme. This type of shower should be limited to very close family members and friends. When I was a bride, many years ago, these types of showers were popular.

Knottie1445136220

Thanks for the ideas!!

klk111415

It doesn't have to necessarily be things for your home.  A friend of mine registered at REI and I totally though this way awesome! Sure, home goods are nice and all, but to know that I can get her something that she will use for a long time while doing the things she loves most (hiking/camping) that's even better.  Maybe make an amazon.com registry?  Register for things to be used while traveling?  I had a friend even register for a camera since she wanted it to take nice photos on her honeymoon.   At least with Amazon you can register for almost anything.  If people don't want to buy it for you- they won't.  

[Deleted User]

klk111415 said:

It doesn't have to necessarily be things for your home.  A friend of mine registered at REI and I totally though this way awesome! Sure, home goods are nice and all, but to know that I can get her something that she will use for a long time while doing the things she loves most (hiking/camping) that's even better.  Maybe make an amazon.com registry?  Register for things to be used while traveling?  I had a friend even register for a camera since she wanted it to take nice photos on her honeymoon.   At least with Amazon you can register for almost anything.  If people don't want to buy it for you- they won't.  

Just make sure if you do this, these other items are for you Both.  If you hike but FH hates nature, don't put walking sticks or tents on your list.  But if it's something you enjoy together, I'm all for it.

Jen4948

I agree with not having a shower, but if your mom really wants you to have some kind of party for your family, I think you can have one. Just make clear that it is not to be labeled a "shower" or carry any gift-giving or opening expectations, and don't register for gifts. And stand firm on those terms.