Uninviting someone who is distant

frolicintheforest

Back in June/July of 2014 I had asked a coworker (maintenance man who comes to my location once a week) if he would come to my wedding. We would talk a lot and I felt I wanted his presence at my wedding. He ended up going on FMLA due to an illness and then eventually was let go due to being gone too long. He came back about two months ago and I was glad to see him but we don't really talk anymore. He seems a bit different. Would it be rude to just not invite him? I feel like I technically did already and I should just keep it that way but I am unsure what to do.

 

Now I recommend to my newly engaged friends to not open their mouths about their wedding until closer to the date because losing touch/friendships/closeness happens...

Liatris2010

You inited him. It would be rude not to send a formal invitation.

Maggie0829

Yes you should still invite him.  You basically already have so it would be rude to not send him an invite.  

Did you ask him if he was okay?  Or how he was doing?  I mean if you felt close enough to ask him to your wedding I think you would also be concerned if he was acting a bit off or different to how he used to be.

southernbelle0915

A verbal invitation is still an invitation. It would be poor etiquette on your part if you don't send a formal invitation. You'd look incredibly rude if you don't send one.

For lurkers - this is why you don't send STDs or verbally invite people you aren't absolutely, 110% sure about. 

frolicintheforest

That's what I thought.  and yeah, that's why I posted that last part because as bride to be you get so excited and blurt....but you should definitely wait.

frolicintheforest

Yeah, I try to make conversation when he comes. I talk to him when he is here but if I don't talk to him. He doesn't initiate. I sent him an email while he was gone telling him I hope he was ok and how are things and he pretty much replied "I am doing ok thanks for asking, how's coworker so and so?" and I just felt kind of blown off. I haven't had the guts to ask him if something is wrong. I don't do confrontation so well...

frolicintheforest

Alright. Thank  you for responding.

levioosa

OP, when you are responding to someone, use the quote button so we know who you are responding to.  The reply button just sends you down the box to type.

PPs have it covered.  You need to invite him since you already verbally invited him.  You also need to include his SO if he is in a relationship.

frolicintheforest

levioosa said:

OP, when you are responding to someone, use the quote button so we know who you are responding to.  The reply button just sends you down the box to type.

PPs have it covered.  You need to invite him since you already verbally invited him.  You also need to include his SO if he is in a relationship.

Ahhh gotcha!

Ok, that's what I thought. I just feel awkward. And yeah, I knew the relationship part. Thanks!

frolicintheforest

Maggie0829 said:

Yes you should still invite him.  You basically already have so it would be rude to not send him an invite.  

Did you ask him if he was okay?  Or how he was doing?  I mean if you felt close enough to ask him to your wedding I think you would also be concerned if he was acting a bit off or different to how he used to be.

frolicintheforest

Maggie0829 said:

Yes you should still invite him.  You basically already have so it would be rude to not send him an invite.  

Did you ask him if he was okay?  Or how he was doing?  I mean if you felt close enough to ask him to your wedding I think you would also be concerned if he was acting a bit off or different to how he used to be.

frolicintheforest

Ugh, I suck at this. I am trying to reply the correct way and copy and paste what I said but its not showing up for me...blegh.

flantastic

If he's truly not that interested in being friends anymore, he'll probably decline. Or he'll come. Whatever. Not a big deal. Either way, it shouldn't be too awkward on your end unless you make it so.

frolicintheforest

flantastic said:

If he's truly not that interested in being friends anymore, he'll probably decline. Or he'll come. Whatever. Not a big deal. Either way, it shouldn't be too awkward on your end unless you make it so.

I always make things more difficult than they have to be...I have anxiety and I over-worry about EVERYTHING. I wish I had that laid back personality. Thank you for responding!

Jen4948

Yeah, you should follow up with an invitation if you sent him a save-the-date. If you and he aren't as close as formerly, he might decline. Or he might accept and who knows, you might become closer. It's the polite thing to do.

Dreamergirl8812

This guy lost his job because he got sick, came back to the same job, and acted different? Um yeah, I would act different too. What a bunch of assholes. Now you want to disinvite him to your wedding? Because he got sick so you don't see him as much anymore?

Am I reading this correctly?

Edited because I can haz grammar problems.

Viczaesar

frolicintheforest said:

Yeah, I try to make conversation when he comes. I talk to him when he is here but if I don't talk to him. He doesn't initiate. I sent him an email while he was gone telling him I hope he was ok and how are things and he pretty much replied "I am doing ok thanks for asking, how's coworker so and so?" and I just felt kind of blown off. I haven't had the guts to ask him if something is wrong. I don't do confrontation so well...

How on earth is that being blown off?

tojai

Did you feel blown off because he didn't ask about the wedding?

The rest doesn't feel like being blown off to me, if he had that much FMLA it sounds like the illness was pretty serious and some people don't like to share those kinds of details unless they're really close friends.

jacques27

frolicintheforest said:

Yeah, I try to make conversation when he comes. I talk to him when he is here but if I don't talk to him. He doesn't initiate. I sent him an email while he was gone telling him I hope he was ok and how are things and he pretty much replied "I am doing ok thanks for asking, how's coworker so and so?" and I just felt kind of blown off. I haven't had the guts to ask him if something is wrong. I don't do confrontation so well...

I think you don't understand what confrontation is.  Unless you mean we you wanted to confront him about why he wasn't more interested in talking about your wedding.

What I think you mean is you don't express concern well.  Because concern is what is needed in this situation, not confrontation. 

Put yourself in his shoes:  You or a family member have a serious FMLA-qualifying event in your life.  This could have been a birth or adoption, but could also have been cancer or surgery or some other medical emergency. And then you ran out of FMLA and they fired you from your job losing some or all of your household income (probably at a time you needed it most).  Do you:

a) Act like nothing is going on in your life, plaster a smile on your face, and talk about weddings,

b) Advertise all of the private goings on in your life going into in depth detail about all the hardships you've faced in the last six months to every single person you encounter to make yourself fodder for gossip, or

c) Try to act as normal as you can if you can, keep your burdens to yourself, and respond in a perfectly polite manner when someone sends you an email.

Have you considered that he's depressed? Or that whatever this FMLA qualifying event still isn't completely resolved and if it was for a family member maybe they are still ill and he's working because he can't afford not to or if it was for him maybe he's still in pain or in the process of recovering and is having a hard time adjusting?  Maybe he's afraid of how to assimilate back into the social aspect of the job after being gone such a long time?  Maybe he's really worried that people will ask a lot of questions about why he's gone and he's afraid to interact?  Maybe he actually really would like someone to talk to and confide in and he's afraid to reach out?

Have you tried having a conversation with him expressing concern for him as a human being and friend or friendly acquaintance?  More than an emailed "How are you?"  An offer to talk?  An offer to bring over a casserole?  An offer to just hang out and have a coffee at break and talk about TV shows if he doesn't want to discuss the problems in his life?

I get that he's not your BFF, but you obviously felt close enough to him to invite him to your wedding - so work on trying to be a friend to him or at the very least a friendly coworker.

PurplekittenMew

frolicintheforest said:

He ended up going on FMLA due to an illness and then eventually was let go due to being gone too long.

God damn it, America!  ><