It's Friday!!

Hummingbird125

@nycgal85 - A few points I want to make:

1) If you can't afford a big wedding, you won't have a big wedding. I don't have any idea what kind of budget you're working with, but unless it's well over 20k, it will be very difficult to afford a "typical" NYC-area "big wedding". 

2) You should absolutely start saving as much money as you can, ASAP. Make a savings plan and be sure that both you and your FI stick to it.

3) I can kind of disagree with the PP's who have said to just not count on any contribution from your mother (o those who say, in general, to not count any $ until you have it in your hand). I too, HAD to count on the money we were getting from my mom & grandpa (about 1/3 of our total budget), because I otherwise would have had to plan a much smaller wedding. Still, you need to be sure that your plans can be adjusted if the money doesn't come through.

4) Please, for the love of God, do NOT look at your wedding as something that you'll "get a lot out of" financially. There are so many reasons. Do you want to go into debt only to pay it back with the gifts people gave you? Personally, I'd much rather have the wedding we can afford, and then put any money we get as gifts into savings for our future together (which is probably what the people giving you money would hope for anyway). You have no idea how much you'll get - many people are struggling financially and may not (nor do they have to) follow the old "cover your plate" adage. If you're from Ohio, aren't many of your guests from there too? IF so, they'll be spending $ on traveling and probably far less on a gift.

I have more to say, but alas, I have to work...

nycgal85

@jenjen047 - The problem is FI's family is massive and they're extremely close knit. I know that I can't fight it, that's what our fights have been over is my mother saying she shouldn't be paying for his family. The thing is, his family has taken me in on so many levels, and it's not FI's fault that his comes from this massive family. We need to take our 150 guest list and work down from there to make it fit into our budget, because having a smaller wedding isn't going to happen.

@Hummingbird125 - Our budget was about $35k, now it's probably more around $25-30k. It's doable, but it's going to be hard. And yes, I agree we can't do it without our families, and I know my mom will give us some. I just wish she hadn't told us she was going to give such a large amount only to reneg. She should have said she would have to think about it when we asked initially rather than giving us unrealistic expectations with which we set our budget on. And trust me, this is how FI and I differ - I see weddings as a waste of money, whereas FI sees them as financially beneficial. It's a difference of opinion and also a difference of upbringing that is causing this problem. And I think we both need to come together, I need to realize that we will have to spend some money and FI needs to realize that we can't expect to make money nor just pay back what we spent from gifts.

At the core I'm the more financially practical of the two. I have been saving meticulously and putting a large amount of money into retirement, whereas FI hasn't at all. FI has tons of debt from law school whereas I have absolutely zero debt. It's not that he's a spender and I'm a saver, it's that I am more future oriented when it comes to finances.

labro

nycgal85 said:

@Hummingbird125 - Our budget was about $35k, now it's probably more around $25-30k. It's doable, but it's going to be hard. And yes, I agree we can't do it without our families, and I know my mom will give us some. I just wish she hadn't told us she was going to give such a large amount only to reneg. She should have said she would have to think about it when we asked initially rather than giving us unrealistic expectations with which we set our budget on. And trust me, this is how FI and I differ - I see weddings as a waste of money, whereas FI sees them as financially beneficial. It's a difference of opinion and also a difference of upbringing that is causing this problem. And I think we both need to come together, I need to realize that we will have to spend some money and FI needs to realize that we can't expect to make money nor just pay back what we spent from gifts.

At the core I'm the more financially practical of the two. I have been saving meticulously and putting a large amount of money into retirement, whereas FI hasn't at all. FI has tons of debt from law school whereas I have absolutely zero debt. It's not that he's a spender and I'm a saver, it's that I am more future oriented when it comes to finances.

1. Umm, no I don't think it's going to be very hard at all. That's a VERY generous amount, even with your "reduced" budget for anywhere....even NYC.

2. While I have confidence that you will both work this out eventually (cause god knows I'm a spender and H is a saver and I've made a complete turnaround in my spending habits), I think you have some major hurdles to overcome here. I think you need to back off from the serious wedding planning for a few weeks (didn't you JUST get engaged) so you can finalize your budget and figure out where you're going with this. I'm not trying to be mean, I just see so many red flags that pop up with your posts about your FI and money and a wedding budget and it concerns me.

jenjen047

@nycgal85 - totally understand. if the guest list has to be large,  then that will just mean some  changes in style of the wedding to make it work within budget.

Blue & White

@500days I only put my foot down after $3600 in repairs was spent and the shop wanted $2500 more. Now we are $3600 further away from a downpayment on this one but we SHOULD have a car by the end of the night. H is annoying me with all his haggling (I think he's comparing apples to oranges) but we will have a new jeep grand Cherokee (I think) by the end of tonight. I'm not sure what year or color or features cause there are at least two on the table lol.

Blue & White

@nycgal85 my whole family is from NJ where the weddings are quite large and ridiculous. I received some very generous gifts from them because standards are different there. However, that doesn't mean that the $25 from my cousin was discounted. I was most surprised at his generosity! So really don't plan a wedding for the gifts (I don't think you are but this recent fight may have brought some of this out). Having ALL our friends and family in one place celebrating us?! That was the best part (/sappy OMH)

lavenderfields13

@nycgal85 I think your FI needs to get the idea out of his head that weddings are financially beneficial. I feel like he is being so stubborn about having a large wedding because he thinks you'll make a profit. That's no reason to have a wedding. Of course I could be completely wrong about his thoughts.

My FI too thinks that we'll make at least 1/2 our money back- I told him I am planning on making nothing back because our friends and family are not wealthy by any means and I am not inviting them just hoping they bring a big fat check with them. Even if we didn't receive any gifts we still wouldn't be in debt- we would just have nothing to put back in the savings.

Make sure you definitely have a firm budget before you start putting deposits down because that could turn into a disaster. 

500days

@blue&white I would not recommend a Jeep from years 2008-2013. If you can avoid those years you'll have way better luck than me! Everything has been replaced on mine...and the warranty is not great at all. I had a lemon 2008 and now a 2012 that's pretty much garbage. I'm looking at honda cr-v or subaru for my next suv/awd vehicle. 

nycgal85

@labro - The differences in our upbringings and financial understandings are really something we need to work through I know. It's going to take time. Surprisingly we didn't have this problem when we moved in together, but we kept our finances apart, so it was bound to rear its head. I'm confident that we will be able to work through it through. We are already doing a lot better.

@jenjen047 - Exactly. And that's what he's finally starting to realize and come around on.

@Blue & White - FI realized last night he was probably being way too optimistic about the money and that we can't expect we are going to get x number of dollars. If it happens, that's great, but we can't count on it and put ourselves in debt. And not for nothing, my family is all going to have to travel which means airfare and hotels and rental cars and the works, so that's going to affect how much they give too.

@lavenderfields13 - YES. He does. I think he's coming around now, I think we needed this fight for a reality check. And it's not that he thought it would be the only reason to have a wedding, it's just standard in NY that people recoup most of what they spend through gifts, but I don't want to base things off of that assumption. That's putting the cart before the horse. And of course we are not thinking of putting any deposits down for a while yet. And we're firming up the budget. 

I also just heard from my mom, she finally spoke to my dad (that's a feat in itself...) and she said they're giving us $15k. I want to double check that because we need to finalize this budget before we do ANYTHING.

speakeasy14

500days said:

@blue&white I would not recommend a Jeep from years 2008-2013. If you can avoid those years you'll have way better luck than me! Everything has been replaced on mine...and the warranty is not great at all. I had a lemon 2008 and now a 2012 that's pretty much garbage. I'm looking at honda cr-v or subaru for my next suv/awd vehicle. 

I have a CRV and love it. Haven't had any issues aside from when my tire came off. 

Hummingbird125

@nycgal85 - Just one final point. I don't think it's true that NYC-area couples "recoup" most of their costs. Here's a little example: My wedding is costing about 18k when all is said and done (EXCLUDING dress, honeymoon, and a few other things). We're expecting around 100 guests. 18k/100 = $180 per person. From guests that give us a check as a wedding gift, I am positive that the *average* we get will not be $360 per couple. NO WAY. Keep in mind that we're having some actual children, and some teenage/college aged cousins that will likely just be signing a card with their parents too. I have three families coming with 4-5 people each - will we be getting $720 - $900 from them? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. 

Please, just stop expecting any amount of money. Whatever you do get will be a nice, NECESSARY nest egg after your wedding.

AuroraRose41

500days said:

@blue&white I would not recommend a Jeep from years 2008-2013. If you can avoid those years you'll have way better luck than me! Everything has been replaced on mine...and the warranty is not great at all. I had a lemon 2008 and now a 2012 that's pretty much garbage. I'm looking at honda cr-v or subaru for my next suv/awd vehicle. 

@500days I have a subaru and love it! I highly recommend them, and I haven't had any major issues with it.