Is it acceptable to skip brother's wedding?

blerg48

ChemFanatic25

negreg said:

I think I know the answer here, but I'm searching for other opinions. I'm the oldest of 6 siblings, and my brother is getting married to a girl that I seriously can't stand. There is history here, as in she almost ruined my wedding, (see below for that rant), and her wedding is on memorial day weekend in a remote location 14 hours from where I live. I've just had to quit my job due to pregnancy complications so spending close to 1000 dollars to go to a wedding where I despise the bride is not really in the budget. Furthermore, the wedding is in the morning and cheaply thrown together with no respect for guests.  Am I wrong to want to skip the wedding to avoid drama and save money or will I regret it in the future? Should I try to start a conversation to get on better terms with the my future SIL?

Here's the backstory if you're interested; I got married last fall, and it was absolutely the most stressful experience of my life due in large part to my brother's fiancee. She is a little young to get married and more than a little self centered. At my wedding, she and my brother each demanded their own bedrooms in a house we were renting for my family and 3 friends (11 people, 4 bedrooms, bad combo). This resulted in me sleeping on the couch the day before my rehearsal and a blowout when I called her out for being ridiculous in demanding her own bedroom when the bride was forced to sleep on the couch. My parents decided that I was selfish for not wanting to sleep on the couch the day before my wedding and told me that I owed her an apology which of course just made me more upset. Long story short, my mom threatened to skip my wedding and sided with the fiancee while everyone else could see how crazy they were both acting. The wedding did go okay but the whole mood was soured because of what happened the day before. I've never received an apology and the fiancee still tells my brother to tell me that I need to apologize to her, but that won't be happening. How can I waste money going to her wedding and pretending that everything is normal when all I want to do is tell her she's an awful waste of space? 

An invite is not a summons but this is family. I believe this is something you have to decide - are you willing to die on this hill? So this is someone who is in your family for the rest of your life BUT it's also wrong to have toxic people in your life because they can bring you down. Besides this has there been other incidents? If there hasn't maybe it's a good idea to reach out and ask to get together with her and your brother for a short period of time. 

Also if you really can't afford to attend, don't go. Weddings are expensive and if it is going to really hit your budget it may not be a good idea not too. But if you don't want to attend because you hate the bride own that decision.

lyndausvi

It's not a summons.

That said actions have consequences.  Even good actions.  Only you can decide if it's worth the consequences if you do not go.   

 The fact you're pregnant and it's OOT is reason enough even if you are best friends with the bride.

aurianna

I'm confused about the house thing.
So you're saying they were each in one room, and then 9 other people had to share two rooms? Or you just mean they didn't want to sleep in the same room as each other?
Why couldn't you sleep in a bed in another room? Or were there just not enough beds? If that's the case, why did you invite so many people to the house?
Or was the problem that you expected them to share a bed, but they are conservative and don't want to sleep in a bed together until they're married? But if that's the case, why didn't you sleep in the bigger bed with her (or your brother if you're close), instead of on the couch?
I'm seriously confused how a simple logistics issue turned into such a big thing.

But the ship has sailed.


If the reason you can't go is because of the travel, the money, and your pregnancy and/or health, then you should not go. (I would send a nice gift and a card with a ver nice note though)

If it's because it's being "cheaply thrown together" then... that depends. What do you mean by that? If you mean that they aren't serving you a meal at a mealtime, then I could see that's being the last straw on your already long list. If you just mean they are doing simpler fair vs lavish lobster and steak, I would maybe not express that concern to anyone else because you'll sound not great. Not everyone has the same budget, so as long as they are following all the etiquette rules and treating their guests properly, how expensive their wedding is shouldn't be a large factor.

If it's because you just don't like this girl... then this is really a decision you have to make. But know that it isn't as if you'll have to spend the whole day with her; you will not. Aside from a "congratulations" from you and a "thanks for coming" from her, you two do not need to interact at all. You could just go to support your brother and spend time with your family, but in general, steer clear of her.


No 100% right or wrong answer here. This is a very personal decision.

TrixieJess

The question you have to ask yourself is, "how important is your relationship with your brother?" If it's important that you keep it, suck it up, smile and say "congratulations " to the new member of your family. If you don't give a flying eff, then don't go, tell them why you aren't going and write them off forever.

Btw, if you have legitimate reasons for missing the wedding, i.e. Pregnancy complications, then by all means, tell them that and offer to host them when they are in town, graciously. Do not put down the woman your brother is going to marry, you will not come out looking good no matter what happens.

mollybarker11

 Am I wrong to want to skip the wedding to avoid drama and save money or will I regret it in the future? Should I try to start a conversation to get on better terms with the my future SIL?

If you think skipping the wedding will avoid drama then of course there's nothing wrong with doing so. Simply tell them you're unable to make the trip and wish them well. As pp said, pregnancy / health issues and finances are valid, understandable reasons to stay home. However in my family I think skipping the wedding because I despise the bride would create drama, so I'd do my best to make it and fake a smile if I had to.

Whether you decide to attend or not I absolutely think you should try to smooth things over with FSIL, as unpleasant as she may be. She's part of your family now and, while I don't think people should force themselves to get along just because they're related, I do think family ties are worth a little more effort.

jacques27

So, I assume you and your brother are not close?  Because nowhere in this post do you say "I love my brother and want to support him, even though I dislike his choice in a spouse."  Or "I don't want to damage my relationship with my brother further."  So, suffice it to say you don't actually care for your brother or not enough that he factors into this equation at all since you made the post all about her.

Honestly, your post sounds kind of judgmental and petty.  You're judging that she's too young to get married?  I know plenty of couples who married fresh out of high school and are still together to this day (my mentor, for one, just celebrated her 42nd anniversary).  One of my good friends got married at 19 and will be celebrating her 16th anniversary this year.  You're also judging the amount of money they are spending and the amount of time they are taking to plan?

And sure, maybe she was a bit of a drama llama at your wedding, but she's also not the person who poorly planned to put 11 adults in four bedrooms and didn't coordinate the arrangements better.  Did you ask them beforehand whether they minded sharing rooms before renting a four bedroom house?  (Although that ship sailed, so I guess it doesn't matter at this point.)  And did you really pull the "OMG, I'm the bride and had to sleep on the couch" card when you're the one who made these arrangements in the first place?  Honestly, neither of you come out smelling like a rose in this whole saga.

So, ultimately, you're under no obligation to go.  Under most circumstances, travel + pregnancy complications would be more than enough reason to decline an invitation, which as others have pointed out is not a subpoena, you're not required to go.  But your post makes it sound like you mostly don't want to attend out of spite.  If you do end up declining, I hope you make your answer succinct and don't elaborate on the reasons, because the more you say about it, the more likely your negative attitude about it will become apparent to others.  You also need to decide how important your relationship with your brother is to you.  Because you're kidding yourself if you think skipping the wedding will avoid drama - you'll just have a different kind of drama.  You'll have the kind of drama where potentially your brother is hurt that his sister wouldn't attend his wedding and where his fiancee is viewed as the bigger person because they (this is their wedding, not just hers) extended an invitation despite still feeling hurt and never getting an apology and you continue to hold a grudge.  If your relationship with your brother is at all important to you, it would behoove you to reach out and repair that relationship, regardless of whether you attend the wedding.  If your relationship with your brother isn't something you care about, then the decision about attending the wedding is made for you.

blerg48

Thanks, ladies. You're right in that I've never had a good relationship with this particular brother. He didn't like a former boyfriend of mine and led the family in trying to disown me because of it even becoming physically violent at one point during a discussion. Another thing I've never gotten an apology for. As for the house rental arrangements, they were made by my parents and I had specifically told them that it was going to be a problem having so many people there and that I foresaw the fiancee causing the most problems because she didn't know the rest of us well. I offered to pay for other arrangements and was told that I couldn't because the bride had to be with her family the night before the wedding. So yes, I anticipated the problem, it happened exactly as I thought it would, and it caused quite a but of heartache. 

 As far as the fiancee, she has done other things to show her immaturity such as canceling the wedding multiple times/threatening to cancel it again and neither of them have ever had a stable job/live off my parent so I think sometimes it's better to wait to get married. I don't automatically assume that youth equals immaturity or age equals wisdom. Some people are completely ready to get married at a young age. Of course, that's not my decision to make, and if it's a responsibility my parents are willing to take on then more power to them. It's been rough on the rest of us siblings to see a brother constantly take advantage of our parents, and we don't want the fiancee to enable him but again it's not our problem.  

Unless I'm on bed rest, I've decided to look at it as a weekend with my family rather than her wedding. Seeing her for one hour won't kill me and I can exchange pleasantries as need be.   

huskypuppy14

negreg said:

Thanks, ladies. You're right in that I've never had a good relationship with this particular brother. He didn't like a former boyfriend of mine and led the family in trying to disown me because of it even becoming physically violent at one point during a discussion. Another thing I've never gotten an apology for. As for the house rental arrangements, they were made by my parents and I had specifically told them that it was going to be a problem having so many people there and that I foresaw the fiancee causing the most problems because she didn't know the rest of us well. I offered to pay for other arrangements and was told that I couldn't because the bride had to be with her family the night before the wedding. So yes, I anticipated the problem, it happened exactly as I thought it would, and it caused quite a but of heartache. 

 As far as the fiancee, she has done other things to show her immaturity such as canceling the wedding multiple times/threatening to cancel it again and neither of them have ever had a stable job/live off my parent so I think sometimes it's better to wait to get married. I don't automatically assume that youth equals immaturity or age equals wisdom. Some people are completely ready to get married at a young age. Of course, that's not my decision to make, and if it's a responsibility my parents are willing to take on then more power to them. It's been rough on the rest of us siblings to see a brother constantly take advantage of our parents, and we don't want the fiancee to enable him but again it's not our problem.  

Unless I'm on bed rest, I've decided to look at it as a weekend with my family rather than her wedding. Seeing her for one hour won't kill me and I can exchange pleasantries as need be.   

If you do decide to go, please get your own accommodations.

southernbelle0915

You never HAVE to go to someone's wedding - even your brother's.

If I were you I would cite your pregnancy complications ONLY. I wouldn't say it's too far away or too expensive - people can try to argue with that and sometimes even judge (even though they shouldn't). And under no circumstances mention your beef with your FSIL. People can't argue with medical issues.

Although not required, I would send a very heartfelt card along with a nice gift. And I'd call your brother directly to let him know you aren't able to come - don't just send your RSVP card or let him hear it through the grapevine.

blerg48

Thanks again. Also she conveniently 'forgot' my invite so I never even got the summons. The relationship with my brother doesn't matter to me, but I do want to stay close to my family even if it means dipping into savings to get to the wedding. 

Viczaesar

negreg said:

Thanks, ladies. You're right in that I've never had a good relationship with this particular brother. He didn't like a former boyfriend of mine and led the family in trying to disown me because of it even becoming physically violent at one point during a discussion. Another thing I've never gotten an apology for. As for the house rental arrangements, they were made by my parents and I had specifically told them that it was going to be a problem having so many people there and that I foresaw the fiancee causing the most problems because she didn't know the rest of us well. I offered to pay for other arrangements and was told that I couldn't because the bride had to be with her family the night before the wedding. So yes, I anticipated the problem, it happened exactly as I thought it would, and it caused quite a but of heartache. 

 As far as the fiancee, she has done other things to show her immaturity such as canceling the wedding multiple times/threatening to cancel it again and neither of them have ever had a stable job/live off my parent so I think sometimes it's better to wait to get married. I don't automatically assume that youth equals immaturity or age equals wisdom. Some people are completely ready to get married at a young age. Of course, that's not my decision to make, and if it's a responsibility my parents are willing to take on then more power to them. It's been rough on the rest of us siblings to see a brother constantly take advantage of our parents, and we don't want the fiancee to enable him but again it's not our problem.  

Unless I'm on bed rest, I've decided to look at it as a weekend with my family rather than her wedding. Seeing her for one hour won't kill me and I can exchange pleasantries as need be.   

Were you a legal adult getting married?  Why would you give in on that?  They had no way of forcing you to use their accommodation short of tying you to the sofa.  Frankly I think everyone screwed up on that situation, including you, and you should stop obsessing over it and waiting for an apology. 

lyndausvi

negreg said:

Viczaesar said:

negreg said:

Were you a legal adult getting married?  Why would you give in on that?  They had no way of forcing you to use their accommodation short of tying you to the sofa.  Frankly I think everyone screwed up on that situation, including you, and you should stop obsessing over it and waiting for an apology. 

Totally agree with you.  

blerg48

Thanks for your opinion. Pregnancy hormones and comment boards do not go well together so I am going away. I think it's hard to really convey what happened on a board like this. I'm not waiting for an apology but I know that SHE is because she keeps having my brother tell me so without reaching out to me directly. 

lyndausvi

negreg said:

Thanks for your opinion. Pregnancy hormones and comment boards do not go well together so I am going away. I think it's hard to really convey what happened on a board like this. I'm not waiting for an apology but I know that SHE is because she keeps having my brother tell me so without reaching out to me directly. 

It's pretty clear you want an apology also.

I have an SIL who I don't like.  She made a seen at my brother's (not her husband) wedding.  It was the first time I met her.   20 years later I'm still annoyed at her.  I'm not close to my brother either.  However for my niece and nephews sake I play nice.   They are OOT.  I see them once every few years.  

I also play nice for my parent's sake.   They don't expect us to be BFFs, but they do want to be able to have the entire family together without drama.

LondonLisa

If you let sleeping on a couch ruin your wedding, that is 100% your fault. You can't go to the wedding bc of your health, that is fine. Send a card and generic well wishes. You seem very resentful towards her over something that you had a big part of (1. You shouldn't have had so many people in one house 2. You could have booked a hotel 3. Sleeping on a couch isn't that big of a deal and if it was see option 2). Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You have a new member of your family coming. How exciting! Time to stop letting them get so under your skin and take some advice from Elsa: Let it go!

ChemFanatic25

blerg48 said:

Thanks, ladies. You're right in that I've never had a good relationship with this particular brother. He didn't like a former boyfriend of mine and led the family in trying to disown me because of it even becoming physically violent at one point during a discussion. Another thing I've never gotten an apology for. As for the house rental arrangements, they were made by my parents and I had specifically told them that it was going to be a problem having so many people there and that I foresaw the fiancee causing the most problems because she didn't know the rest of us well. I offered to pay for other arrangements and was told that I couldn't because the bride had to be with her family the night before the wedding. So yes, I anticipated the problem, it happened exactly as I thought it would, and it caused quite a but of heartache. 

 As far as the fiancee, she has done other things to show her immaturity such as canceling the wedding multiple times/threatening to cancel it again and neither of them have ever had a stable job/live off my parent so I think sometimes it's better to wait to get married. I don't automatically assume that youth equals immaturity or age equals wisdom. Some people are completely ready to get married at a young age. Of course, that's not my decision to make, and if it's a responsibility my parents are willing to take on then more power to them. It's been rough on the rest of us siblings to see a brother constantly take advantage of our parents, and we don't want the fiancee to enable him but again it's not our problem.  

Unless I'm on bed rest, I've decided to look at it as a weekend with my family rather than her wedding. Seeing her for one hour won't kill me and I can exchange pleasantries as need be.   

blerg48 said:

Thanks again. Also she conveniently 'forgot' my invite so I never even got the summons. The relationship with my brother doesn't matter to me, but I do want to stay close to my family even if it means dipping into savings to get to the wedding. 

blerg48 said:

Thanks for your opinion. Pregnancy hormones and comment boards do not go well together so I am going away. I think it's hard to really convey what happened on a board like this. I'm not waiting for an apology but I know that SHE is because she keeps having my brother tell me so without reaching out to me directly. 

JIC, also OP, DD's are really rude. Just as a heads up, your original post was quoted.

[Deleted User]

I like your attitude that you plan to go and take advantage of being able to spend time with other relatives and having a little get away vaca before the baby comes. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy, I hope it goes smoothly for you.

In regards to future SIL, I would let what's happened in the past be just that, in the past and go forward being the bigger person and extend your hand out in friendship going forward. You don't have to love each other, just get along enough so family gatherings aren't ackward.

IrishPirate60

How did the OP go from negreg to berg 48?

AlexisA01

Why did you DD OP??

Viczaesar

blerg48 said:

Thanks for your opinion. Pregnancy hormones and comment boards do not go well together so I am going away. I think it's hard to really convey what happened on a board like this. I'm not waiting for an apology but I know that SHE is because she keeps having my brother tell me so without reaching out to me directly. 

Bullshit.  From your original post (which, by the way, it was ridiculous to delete since people quoted you and it's preserved for posterity):


I've never received an apology and the fiancee still tells my brother
to tell me that I need to apologize to her, but that won't be happening.

And from the post I originally responded to:

He didn't like a former boyfriend of mine and led the family in trying
to disown me because of it even becoming physically violent at one point
during a discussion. Another thing I've never gotten an apology for.

You absolutely are waiting for an apology.  Get over it.

drunkenwitch

It's time to put on your big girl panties and get down off the cross. Your family can't force you to do anything, you allow them to treat you like this and then complain about being the victim.

levioosa

blerg48 said:

Thanks again. Also she conveniently 'forgot' my invite so I never even got the summons. The relationship with my brother doesn't matter to me, but I do want to stay close to my family even if it means dipping into savings to get to the wedding. 

Other PPs have it covered....you can stop the martyr act now.

And, in response to the bolded, so you never got an invitation?  Um, then YOU'RE the one who isn't invited and you can't go anyways.  So, problem solved.

MyNameIsNot

You aren't even invited.

Just keep your mouth shut and do nothing. Your brother (not his FI) didn't invite you to his wedding.