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Easter Vent

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Re: Easter Vent

  • FI and I host a Christmas party for our friends every year and I get really excited about it. This past Christmas, I assumed we would do the same, and he even (kind of) agreed to it months earlier. (By "kind of" I mean I vaguely mentioned something about it and he went along with it.) 

    When Christmas was getting closer and the topic came up again, he mentioned not wanting to host the party this year. Our financial situation had changed a bit thanks to wedding stuff and some unexpected medical bills, and we were really busy. So I sat down with him and had a real conversation. Not, "Hey, we're doing this! You already said yes!" Instead it was, "How do you feel about having the party? It sounds like you don't want to do it." He confirmed that he thought it was a bad idea, explained why, I agreed, and we did not host the party. Some of our friends were bummed out because apparently they had been expecting it and looking forward to it, but oh well. 

    If someone truly doesn't want to host something, and you truly discuss it in a very open way, and truly take their opinion and feelings on it into consideration, then you might end up not hosting it. Because if the decision-making process really is equal, then they have room to say no. And if all this took place and you did decide to host, there shouldn't be anger and resistance from the other person after the fact, because they supposedly were on board and 100% knew what they were getting into. 

    I get that it's frustrating that your parents are in an unfortunate situation and Easter is important to you guys, and you wanted to host, but now your H has a problem with it. It sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a very honest conversation with each other on the topic, especially since it also sounds like you're confused as to why he feels the way he feels. Hash it out and find a compromise or an alternate plan. This is a lot of stress and tension that doesn't need to happen. 
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  • edited March 2015

    Eh... I'm sure I'm the unpopular opinion here but, I see hosting an event in our home as a joint venture it is OUR home, and it reflects on us both.  There have been plenty of times were my FI wants to invite family over and it's kind of a last minute thing and although I'm not thrilled with last minute notice, I rally and I help him out, cooking and cleaning (read I do most of the cooking FI doesn't cook).  I also know though that he would do the same for me because we are a partnership, and sometimes we go along with things and compromise on what the other wants because we love each other and it is important to us to be supportive.  Personally in a relationship I don't buy into the, "that's what you want so you deal with it mentality."

    If Easter is a big thing for your family and it's really important to you.  I don't see why you can't say having your family for Easter is important and that you would like your husbands support.  Is there a particular reason that he does not want to host other than him thinking the house is too small?   

    @classicalandedgy...thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You seem to be the only one who understands how I feel. He KNEW this was a possibility and he was on board with it. This wasn't sprung on him all of a sudden. Why he changed his mind is beyond me!

    I also feel he is being very selfish. My God, have a heart!!!! My parents house burned down!!!!! The house they had for 45 years!!! They're 69 and 80 and they have been through a lot in a short amount of time. What's the big deal if we host Easter this year, especially when he not only knew it was a possibility, but was on board with it!


    No. It being a partnership means neither of us makes decisions unilaterally when it comes to our home and affect both of us. We don't host big parties unless we both agree on it - this is more than just me telling him it's happening or him knowing something is "a possibility." That's a far cry from having agreed to have 12 people over for dinner on a Sunday a week from now. 

    If my H says "hey I was thinking of having people over for poker on Saturday, is that cool?" and I was planning on a lazy weekend, he's on his own with the cleaning and cooking. Not a party I wanted or planned for, not my people, he's on his own. But when he said "hey my brother and his kids are stopping to sleep here the Thursday before the wedding, remember there's not enough room at my mom's house?" that was a big fat NO from me. That's beyond him just doing the cleaning himself; I hadn't agreed to having people sleep at my home, so he agreed to go tell his brother that he was mistaken and there wasn't room here. Holidays we discuss in advance, and either come up with a game plan we both agree on or it doesn't happen.



    As I stated in another post, of course we discus it with each other, there is no unilateral decision.

     

    As for the OP, it sounds like this was previously discussed and agreed to already, and now that Easter is only one week away it is becoming a problem.  Perhaps I'm interpreting Decembergrls's posts differently.




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    No, it sounds like it was a hypothetical "maybe" thing a year ago, that she never bothered to confirm with him when it turned it it was going to be a defininte, not a maybe.

    Eh... I'm sure I'm the unpopular opinion here but, I see hosting an event in our home as a joint venture it is OUR home, and it reflects on us both.  There have been plenty of times were my FI wants to invite family over and it's kind of a last minute thing and although I'm not thrilled with last minute notice, I rally and I help him out, cooking and cleaning (read I do most of the cooking FI doesn't cook).  I also know though that he would do the same for me because we are a partnership, and sometimes we go along with things and compromise on what the other wants because we love each other and it is important to us to be supportive.  Personally in a relationship I don't buy into the, "that's what you want so you deal with it mentality."

    If Easter is a big thing for your family and it's really important to you.  I don't see why you can't say having your family for Easter is important and that you would like your husbands support.  Is there a particular reason that he does not want to host other than him thinking the house is too small?   

    @classicalandedgy...thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You seem to be the only one who understands how I feel. He KNEW this was a possibility and he was on board with it. This wasn't sprung on him all of a sudden. Why he changed his mind is beyond me!

    I also feel he is being very selfish. My God, have a heart!!!! My parents house burned down!!!!! The house they had for 45 years!!! They're 69 and 80 and they have been through a lot in a short amount of time. What's the big deal if we host Easter this year, especially when he not only knew it was a possibility, but was on board with it!


    No. It being a partnership means neither of us makes decisions unilaterally when it comes to our home and affect both of us. We don't host big parties unless we both agree on it - this is more than just me telling him it's happening or him knowing something is "a possibility." That's a far cry from having agreed to have 12 people over for dinner on a Sunday a week from now. 

    If my H says "hey I was thinking of having people over for poker on Saturday, is that cool?" and I was planning on a lazy weekend, he's on his own with the cleaning and cooking. Not a party I wanted or planned for, not my people, he's on his own. But when he said "hey my brother and his kids are stopping to sleep here the Thursday before the wedding, remember there's not enough room at my mom's house?" that was a big fat NO from me. That's beyond him just doing the cleaning himself; I hadn't agreed to having people sleep at my home, so he agreed to go tell his brother that he was mistaken and there wasn't room here. Holidays we discuss in advance, and either come up with a game plan we both agree on or it doesn't happen.



    As I stated in another post, of course we discus it with each other, there is no unilateral decision.

     

    As for the OP, it sounds like this was previously discussed and agreed to already, and now that Easter is only one week away it is becoming a problem.  Perhaps I'm interpreting Decembergrls's posts differently.




    -------------GODDAMNFUCKINGBOXES---------------



    No, it sounds like it was a hypothetical "maybe" thing a year ago, that she never bothered to confirm with him when it turned it it was going to be a defininte, not a maybe.



    @decembergrl2014

     

    I guess the real question becomes if after the discussion that hosting could be a possibility if you talked with your husband and confirmed he was on board, and for some reason, unbeknownst to you, he changed his mind? 

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    I dunno. I think there's a big difference between vaguely acknowledging something months before and actually agreeing to something concrete.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue
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    edited March 2015
    Well, I'm'a jump in now... 

    My parents' house burned a year ago last Thursday. We hadn't lived there 45 years, but we'd been there so long that my baby sister didn't know anything else. Every memory she had was made while we lived in that house. 

    Your H not wanting to host an Easter party is not "heartless" just because their house recently burned down. A person is allowed to not want to host a party. 

    I don't mean to be hurtful, but your insistence on this Easter party would be more heartless, to my mother, than YH not wanting to help you host it. My mother was in no place to be involved in any parties in the months after our house fire, whether or not she had to do anything for it. She was too busy worrying about what she was going to do about finding her mother's jewelry, and getting the old homesite cleaned up, and how to deal with the fact that my mom, sister, and I were sleeping on an air mattress together. So... yeah. Your H has it closer to right, based on my recent experience.

    ETA: I don't mean to say that you ARE being heartless, and certainly you're acting in the way that you feel is best by giving them the normal Easter experience you and your family has always had. And I get that, I completely understand the desire to offer normalcy. But the thing is, normalcy is extremely hard to reach after something like that. Your normal Easter party, so soon after losing the home it was always hosted in, is just going to underscore the "unnormalcy" of the situation and make it harder. You know? So maybe find a restaurant, or if the weather is nice maybe do a quick grown-up Easter Egg Hunt or something. It won't be normal for anyone, which honestly is a good thing in this situation, and maybe you can remake a tradition that won't be quite so bittersweet as the years go on and your parents move on to their new home.
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  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    @flutteringinfl YES. EXACTLY. OP has given no indication whatsoever that he actually agreed to anything concrete, ever.
  • @flutteringinfl YES. EXACTLY. OP has given no indication whatsoever that he actually agreed to anything concrete, ever.

    Yeah, when I make plans with FI, I make them clear and I confirm them closer to when the plans take place, and usually he'll ask me to remind him. Ditto if he's the one making plans; he confirms, sends me relevant details in an email or text so that I have it. I don't say, "Hey, in a few months I'm going to host a party," and then a week before act surprised when he's not into it.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
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    Look I don't think either of your are "wrong".     I understand you wanting to host.  Especially after the fire.    I understand you being disappointed he doesn't want to host.  I get why he changed his mind (not sure if it was ever confirmed or just a possibility).  Not everyone likes being a host.   

     If you really want to host then host without his help.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • We have always had fairly set holiday responsibilities growing up in my family - my grandparents did Thanksgiving, my mom does Xmas, and my aunt does Easter.

    Last year, my aunt decided (actually maybe my uncle decided) that it's a lot of hassle having Easter at the house, so she took everyone out to brunch.  She still hasn't decided which way to go this year, but my uncle says it will be restaurant brunch again because he doesn't want to be bothered (and, umm, I don't think he ever *did* much except have to have people in his house).

    12 is about the same size as our typical group - have you thought of having it at a restaurant?

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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia
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    I would be sitting down with my husband having an open and calm discussion about why he doesn't want to host it. I wouldn't force it upon him.

    Have you actually asked him WHY he doesn't want to host, instead of accusing him of being selfish and mean? There might be a good reason. Even if it is that he doesn't feel up to hosting 12 people in a week. That is fair. There are surely other options, even if your parents cannot host. Go out for a meal together instead!

    Even if he kind of agreed a year ago, if you just brought it up again he is within reason to object with such short notice.
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  • I don't know the specifics of these conversations but I honestly can't ever imagine telling my husband I don't want his family over for a holiday. 
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    scribe95 said:

    I don't know the specifics of these conversations but I honestly can't ever imagine telling my husband I don't want his family over for a holiday. 

    It doesn't really sound like a case of "want ", though. It seems like he really feels that their house is not big enough to host that many people, which is totally valid. My condo is VERY small. I would absolutely never, under any circumstances, host more then, like four people. I don't think that makes me a bad person, just a practical person.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    Oh, and I tell my husband all the time that I don't want his sister over (she invites herself). I guess I'm an asshole.
  • OP said they have other events with the same number of people so not sure that holds water. 
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    scribe95 said:

    OP said they have other events with the same number of people so not sure that holds water. 

    Maybe he felt that it was too many, and decided he didn't want to host that many in the future? He is allowed to do that. Using the whole "but we have made it happen before" is a really annoying way to strong-arm him into doing something that he doesn't want to do. Although, I shouldn't be surprised as IIRC, this is the same OP who forced her husband to quit smoking with an ultimatum among other controlling things.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs
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    What a load of drama....


    Nobody has to host a family function if they don't want to. Make reservations for 12 people at an Easter brunch somewhere. 
    This. I would rather do this even if my house WAS big enough lol.
  • scribe95 said:

    OP said they have other events with the same number of people so not sure that holds water. 

    And maybe he grudgingly continues to be okay with that because it's tradition and he didn't think he had an option. But this is new and he has every right to say no, especially if it was never actually discussed as a concrete option but was always hypothetical until just this week when the OP started wanting to make plans.
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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    12 people is a lot to host. If he truly feels that it's too many, I can understand his trepidation. 

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  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario
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    edited March 2015
    TBH I am shy as heck and hate hosting (I feel like I am being judged and everything must be perfect), so I would not want my SO and I (if we were living together) to host their family at our house.  It would not be out of any harsh feelings or dislike of the people, just my own issues.  I would also be hurt if my SO did not care about my feelings in this and just decided that since I nodded when she said that it might be a possibility months ago, that she didn't care how I felt now and she feels she can just make decisions without me.  
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