(Looong) Long-Distance Bridal Shower

chels31691

This post is in 3 parts.  

Part 1:  The Situation (having little to nothing to do with Mike Sorrentino and the Jersey Shore)

My best friend is getting married!  But things are a smidge more complicated for her than they were for me when I got married a few years ago.  The bride lives in a suburb of Chicago.  Her parents/sibling/friends live down near St. Louis.  Her relatives are in Wisconsin.  The groom just left for basic training for the Navy; they are going to have a court house wedding when he is finished in May and he will need to leave for Charleston, SC, within 24 hours.  The groom's family lives in northern Illinois and Arizona.  The groom will be living in SC for a few weeks until his lovely bride can join him.  Then, when things get settled down, they will have a formal ceremony and reception in SC in October.  So, the family and friends are scattered near and far, the actual wedding will have very low attendance, the bride and groom will have to live separately for a little while, and when they do get to live together, it will be even farther away from everyone, meaning everyone who can make it to the ceremony in October will have a LONG drive or expensive flight/hotel stay.

Part Two:  The Matron of Honor's Duty

This lady is my best friend.  We've been attached at the hip since 5th grade.  She was my maid of honor and did as much as she could long distance (again, Chicago-St. Louis) and was there for as much of my wedding planning as she could be (we were in school at the time).  She doesn't have a whole lot of wedding planning she can do at the moment, but she does know of things that will eventually be on her wedding registry.  I'm setting money aside now for our plane tickets and hotel for the ceremony and for a gift, but I'm also trying to set some money aside to do what I can in the way of pre-wedding celebrations.  Which leads us to...

Part Three:  The Plan

I want to plan a long-distance bridal shower.  While the groom is in basic, I want to send him a letter and ask him a few basic questions (the type you'd find on a bride/groom trivia game at a bridal shower) and get a list of relatives and friends he would invite (regardless of distance) to a shower.  I've already got my list for the bride, and I know most of the question answers (but I could sneak the rest out).  Here's what I'd like to do:  I want to mail each guest to the long-distance shower a small packet.  In the packet would be a bridal shower game trivia page (questions about the bride and groom), a piece of scrap book paper to write well wishes and advice for the couple on, a self-addressed stamped envelope to send back to me, and a $5 Target gift card.  I want the "party guest" to fill out the trivia game and write their advice/message/well-wish on the scrapbook page and send both of these back to me.  I'll check the trivia pages for answers and mail the top 3 winners a small gift.  The pages and scrap book messages I'll put into a book and mail to the bride.  I'll have instructions in the packages to each guest to call the bride on a certain day (her "shower" day to shower her with love!) and hopefully the book will be on its way to her or have already arrived by then.  With the gift card, I want to have a note with directions to access their registry and an addressed envelope for their new place in SC.  Anyone who attends the wedding and brings a gift will either have to pack it in the car with their luggage or pay to have it flown with them halfway across the country.  A lot of gifts are usually bought for the shower, and typically the one throwing the shower spends a fair amount of money on decorating and feeding the guest; since I don't have that expense, I thought it might be nice to use that same money set aside to help her wedding guests out if they want to order her gift online and send it directly to the couple instead of buying it and bringing it with them; the $5 isn't much, but it'll help with shipping the gift.  If they don't want to buy her anything from the registry, I'll request that they use the envelop addressed and stamped to their new address and send her the gift card to use on what she needs.

I JUST came up with this idea.  Not sure how feasible it is or how well it'll go over with everyone.  I want it to be a surprise for the bride until she starts gets the book, gifts/gift cards, and phone calls.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Suggestions?

LondonLisa

chels31691 said:

This post is in 3 parts.  

Part 1:  The Situation (having little to nothing to do with Mike Sorrentino and the Jersey Shore)

My best friend is getting married!  But things are a smidge more complicated for her than they were for me when I got married a few years ago.  The bride lives in a suburb of Chicago.  Her parents/sibling/friends live down near St. Louis.  Her relatives are in Wisconsin.  The groom just left for basic training for the Navy; they are going to have a court house wedding when he is finished in May and he will need to leave for Charleston, SC, within 24 hours.  The groom's family lives in northern Illinois and Arizona.  The groom will be living in SC for a few weeks until his lovely bride can join him.  Then, when things get settled down, they will have a formal ceremony and reception in SC in October.  So, the family and friends are scattered near and far, the actual wedding will have very low attendance, the bride and groom will have to live separately for a little while, and when they do get to live together, it will be even farther away from everyone, meaning everyone who can make it to the ceremony in October will have a LONG drive or expensive flight/hotel stay.

Part Two:  The Matron of Honor's Duty

This lady is my best friend.  We've been attached at the hip since 5th grade.  She was my maid of honor and did as much as she could long distance (again, Chicago-St. Louis) and was there for as much of my wedding planning as she could be (we were in school at the time).  She doesn't have a whole lot of wedding planning she can do at the moment, but she does know of things that will eventually be on her wedding registry.  I'm setting money aside now for our plane tickets and hotel for the ceremony and for a gift, but I'm also trying to set some money aside to do what I can in the way of pre-wedding celebrations.  Which leads us to...

Part Three:  The Plan

I want to plan a long-distance bridal shower.  While the groom is in basic, I want to send him a letter and ask him a few basic questions (the type you'd find on a bride/groom trivia game at a bridal shower) and get a list of relatives and friends he would invite (regardless of distance) to a shower.  I've already got my list for the bride, and I know most of the question answers (but I could sneak the rest out).  Here's what I'd like to do:  I want to mail each guest to the long-distance shower a small packet.  In the packet would be a bridal shower game trivia page (questions about the bride and groom), a piece of scrap book paper to write well wishes and advice for the couple on, a self-addressed stamped envelope to send back to me, and a $5 Target gift card.  I want the "party guest" to fill out the trivia game and write their advice/message/well-wish on the scrapbook page and send both of these back to me.  I'll check the trivia pages for answers and mail the top 3 winners a small gift.  The pages and scrap book messages I'll put into a book and mail to the bride.  I'll have instructions in the packages to each guest to call the bride on a certain day (her "shower" day to shower her with love!) and hopefully the book will be on its way to her or have already arrived by then.  With the gift card, I want to have a note with directions to access their registry and an addressed envelope for their new place in SC.  Anyone who attends the wedding and brings a gift will either have to pack it in the car with their luggage or pay to have it flown with them halfway across the country.  A lot of gifts are usually bought for the shower, and typically the one throwing the shower spends a fair amount of money on decorating and feeding the guest; since I don't have that expense, I thought it might be nice to use that same money set aside to help her wedding guests out if they want to order her gift online and send it directly to the couple instead of buying it and bringing it with them; the $5 isn't much, but it'll help with shipping the gift.  If they don't want to buy her anything from the registry, I'll request that they use the envelop addressed and stamped to their new address and send her the gift card to use on what she needs.

I JUST came up with this idea.  Not sure how feasible it is or how well it'll go over with everyone.  I want it to be a surprise for the bride until she starts gets the book, gifts/gift cards, and phone calls.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Suggestions?

I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but there are a lot of very rude things about this situation so I would advise against your plan: 

1.) Their wedding is at the courthouse. Anything else is a PPD and considered very rude and against etiquette (there are plenty of Military people on here who will explain how rude this is so that is not a valid excuse). Read about it here: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036614/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread

2.) Anyone invited to their actual wedding ceremony (at the courthouse) can be invited to an actual shower. This is a party that is hosted by you (if you chose). An invitation is not a summons, so if someone is too far away, they can decline. However, if you are acting as the hostess, you must host everyone properly for the time of day. If the bride accepts a shower, she is in charge of shipping the gifts. 

3.) You cannot throw a shower for an already married couple. That ship has sailed. Anyone who was invited to their actual wedding can be invited to a shower before their courthouse ceremony but not after. 

4.) Asking people for gifts who are not actually invited to a party is beyond rude. You are soliciting for cash. Would you normally send strangers a letter asking for money? Of course not! They are not a charity, and begging is gauche. 

5.) Showers are for physical gifts only. No gift cards, cash, envelopes of pictures of what the gift is, etc. If the bride accepts a shower, she needs to figure out how to transport the gifts.

Part of being an adult is recognising that actions have consequences. If your BFF wants to get married at the courthouse, that is great, but that is her wedding. If she chooses to throw a party later, that is fine, but it shouldn't be a wedding part 2 (that means no bridal party, no gifts, no wedding gown or first dances). It can be a great party, but it isn't a wedding. She is a wife, not a bride. So she shouldn't be registering for this party at all (she can register for her actual wedding at the courthouse, but she is required to figure out the gifts).

 

southernbelle0915

Part 1.

If she chooses to get married at the courthouse, THAT'S her wedding. She's a big girl and can own that decision. Whatever they throw afterwards is not a "wedding", as no one is being wed. It's a husband and wife playing bride and groom dress up and pretending to get married. What they're planning is affectionately called a "Pretty Princess Day/PPD". Also, if they don't consider themselves married, they are defrauding the US government to get military spousal benefits, which is morally wrong and illegal. 

If she wants to throw a party to celebrate her recent marriage (and skip the whole "pretend I'm a bride" nonsense), she should do it. Throw a kick ass party - get a caterer, a DJ, a venue, etc. But she should make sure everyone attending knows they're married.

Part 2.

There are no "duties" associated with the Matron of Honor role in general. And she shouldn't be having attendants anyway since she's not planning a wedding. Again, she's a big girl making the big girl choice to get married. I don't get a re-do on my wedding just because it may or may not have matched my "vision". I'm married - it would be silly to do a re-do.

Part 3. 

Another part of being a wife is that you don't have bridal showers. Have you ever heard of a bridal shower for someone who has been married. That would be like me having a bridal shower. Doesn't make sense. I'm married. This is another consequence of making the decision to get married without the frills of a long engagement. But she's a big girl and she can handle it. 

She can't have it both ways. If she wants to get married for military spousal benefits, that's fine. But she forgos a lot of the customs of a traditional wedding. If she tries to have it both ways, she's either defrauding the government by not considering herself married while collecting benefits paid for by taxpayers. Or she's misleading guests and panhandling for gifts. Either way, it's not favorable.

KatWAG

Cliffnotes anyone?

ETA: This woman is already married. Wives don't get bridal showers. Especially not fake ones, where there isn't actually a party, just a gift grab

mikenberger

Don't even need to read the rest. I stopped at "They're having a courthouse wedding and then want to have a formal ceremony and reception."

Nope. Doesn't work like that. You get ONE wedding. One ceremony. ONE. UNO. ONE. Not two. ONE. So she doesn't get a shower. She's already married.

southernbelle0915

KatWAG said:

Cliffnotes anyone?

ETA: This woman is already married. Wives don't get bridal showers. Especially not fake ones, where there isn't actually a party, just a gift grab

Cliff notes: military bride wants to have her cake (military spousal benefits) and eat it too (white wedding) so she's planning a courthouse wedding plus a PPD. OP is the MOH who wants to plan a remote "shower" and solicit gifts/cash.

flantastic

OP, I get that you want to do nice things for your friend, and it would be very kind of you to offer a shower for physical gifts if she were inviting all the people who she's inviting to her later party to her actual wedding at the courthouse.

However, she gives up those things by making the adult decisions she's making. You'd only be helping her damage relationships with friends and family by throwing a party which tells people "I'm getting married, and you're not invited, but we expect you to give me money."

JCbride2015

PPs have pretty much said it all and I agree that once she's a wife, the time for showers is over.  Who is she inviting to the actual wedding at the courthouse?  If, say, Mom, Sister, and Grandma are invited, you could plan a get-together with them.  But don't attempt this shower-by-mail for guests who were not invited to the wedding.  I would be so offended to receive that "invitation."

Your friend has made certain choices.  By prioritizing the military benefits (which is a totally valid choice) she is foregoing the big "white wedding" and the parties that sometimes go along with that (also totally valid).  What's not okay is trying to have it both ways and soliciting gifts from people who are not invited to her wedding.

I suggest you take the budget you have for these cards and Target gift cards and spend it on a really great gift for your friend.  And/or take her out for some bonding time.  I hope she understands that by having a small courthouse wedding she won't have a bridal shower (because... she won't be a bride anymore), but would really appreciate a heartfelt gift from you.

tojai

Military bride checking in. 

PPs are right it's about choices.  We had to work around the Army.  That meant a Tuesday afternoon wedding with extremely small attendance and a lot of declines.  Most of our wedding budget went to transpacific plane tickets.  There were no showers, bachelor/bachelorette's, or engagement parties.  We were both so jet lagged we got sick at the reception.  It was still a beautiful day and I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

There was also no PPD, because we were already married.  It really bothers me that you're talking about people having very long drives or very expensive trips and it's not even to a real wedding.  If that happens I hope at least people know the truth, and they aren't being lied to.  I think it'd be bad enough to find out that the "wedding" I attended didn't even feature a marriage, but I spent a lot of time/money to travel I would be even more upset.

I think it's really sweet you want to be there for your friend I just don't think what you're planning right now is the best way to do it.  Planning a celebration for the people who do attend the wedding, helping host a party to celebrate the marriage when the time comes, etc. are great ideas that still show you care about her.  If you want to give her a gift card those are awesome gifts for military families that have to move a lot.  Dealing with an SO being deployed/in training/etc. really sucks and I'm sure you can be a great shoulder to lean on.

Also basic is extremely stressful and free time is very limited so I don't know how much of a response you're going to get asking the groom for help with a trivia game.  He may choose to prioritize the time and resources he does have on other things ... I just wouldn't focus too much of the "little" planning bits around his participation when he's got so much going on and such limited communication.  I think it would mean more to both of them if you wrote a letter sending your best wishes and encouragement (assuming you're close to him like that). 

MyNameIsNot

Anyone invited to the shower must be invited to the actual wedding. (That's the part where they get married, not some fake party months later.) Unless she's planning on inviting people to the Courthouse, a shower is a no go. 

If you really want to be a good friend, help her figure out how to plan her wedding so that people can attend it rather than getting married in private and having a fake event after the fact. 

kewest88

I am also a military bride and I'd like to say that you guys aren't being very fair. I've grown up in the military life and know what you have to miss out on because of it. This girl, and any other girl, military or not, can have as many ceremonies as she wants, it's their choice to do whatever they want and I feel like telling them "that ship has sailed" or they don't get to have one is kind of rude. I may have missed it so correct me if I'm wrong but she never said the reason they were getting married at the courthouse was so she could get benefits. Even if their plan was to get married at the court house so she was covered, their original plan was to be husband and wife, and being engaged to an officer in the Navy (who is currently deployed and missing all of the planning) and the daughter an Army veteran, I understand this MOH and brides position fully. It sucks to be in this situation where you want to get your big princess wedding but you can't because the groom can't take the day off. It's more stressful than anything you could ever imagine to want that dream of a white dress a ceremony AND reception AND cake AND friends and family, but having to face the fact that 3 months, 1 month, two weeks before you say "I do" he could get deployed. So we make things work the best we can and plan things the best we can and grin and bear it when none of it works out. 

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way. And if the courthouse wedding is a secret then its a secret and if they want a big white wedding then they should be allowed to have a big white wedding if thats what they want. If they don't keep it secret and everyone knows they are married what makes their big white wedding any different than a vow renewal, even if it does happen a year before their first anniversary. No one HAS to come to the court house wedding and no one HAS to come to their pretty pretty princess day or whatever you guys are calling it but she should be allowed to have the white wedding she wants with the man she may already be married too, and no one has the right tell her she shouldn't and or that if her friend was a good friend she'd help her plan a real wedding instead of a courthouse wedding and event later. Because unfortunately for a lot of these military brides that later doesn't come. So why not seize the day get married and then celebrate it with friends and family when he's able to be there with her to do it?

kewest88

Oh and part 3 sounds really cool and creative

mikenberger

kewest88 said:

I am also a military bride and I'd like to say that you guys aren't being very fair. I've grown up in the military life and know what you have to miss out on because of it. This girl, and any other girl, military or not, can have as many ceremonies as she wants, it's their choice to do whatever they want and I feel like telling them "that ship has sailed" or they don't get to have one is kind of rude. I may have missed it so correct me if I'm wrong but she never said the reason they were getting married at the courthouse was so she could get benefits. Even if their plan was to get married at the court house so she was covered, their original plan was to be husband and wife, and being engaged to an officer in the Navy (who is currently deployed and missing all of the planning) and the daughter an Army veteran, I understand this MOH and brides position fully. It sucks to be in this situation where you want to get your big princess wedding but you can't because the groom can't take the day off. It's more stressful than anything you could ever imagine to want that dream of a white dress a ceremony AND reception AND cake AND friends and family, but having to face the fact that 3 months, 1 month, two weeks before you say "I do" he could get deployed. So we make things work the best we can and plan things the best we can and grin and bear it when none of it works out. 

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way. And if the courthouse wedding is a secret then its a secret and if they want a big white wedding then they should be allowed to have a big white wedding if thats what they want. If they don't keep it secret and everyone knows they are married what makes their big white wedding any different than a vow renewal, even if it does happen a year before their first anniversary. No one HAS to come to the court house wedding and no one HAS to come to their pretty pretty princess day or whatever you guys are calling it but she should be allowed to have the white wedding she wants with the man she may already be married too, and no one has the right tell her she shouldn't and or that if her friend was a good friend she'd help her plan a real wedding instead of a courthouse wedding and event later. Because unfortunately for a lot of these military brides that later doesn't come. So why not seize the day get married and then celebrate it with friends and family when he's able to be there with her to do it?

At least we already had one military bride comment on this page with common sense.

Military doesn't exempt you from etiquette and good manners. 

theartistformerlyknownas

"You didn't get to come to the wedding but here's $5 to mail her a present anyway. And PS you still don't get out of doing awful party games." Gross.

Heffalump

kewest88 said:

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way.

Boxes, ugh, boxes.

Having an idea doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one.  People are capable of having bad idea, you know.  Like this one. 

flantastic

This thread just came up in real life for me, only with a baby shower. SIL had the idea to do a virtual baby shower (which was just her sending letters soliciting money for a group gift for H and I, collecting the money, and then sending us the gift). I know she wanted to coordinate these known facts: 1) there are a lot of people in H's family who REALLY want to support us in some way, 2) availability for us to come to their city between now and baby's arrival is really limited, 3) I really think showers are boring and especially don't like parties that are about me and gifts.

But I had to tell her that it might come across as H and I acting entitled to gifts just because we chose to have a kid, without these people even getting the fun of picking out a gift/seeing us/having a party in return... so nope. If people really can't handle not getting us baby shit, they'll figure out a way to do it.

If you can't have a shower with physical presence and physical gifts (which you certainly can't do as a bridal shower with people not invited to the wedding), you don't get to ask for things.

tojai

kewest88 said:

I am also a military bride and I'd like to say that you guys aren't being very fair. I've grown up in the military life and know what you have to miss out on because of it. This girl, and any other girl, military or not, can have as many ceremonies as she wants, it's their choice to do whatever they want and I feel like telling them "that ship has sailed" or they don't get to have one is kind of rude. I may have missed it so correct me if I'm wrong but she never said the reason they were getting married at the courthouse was so she could get benefits. Even if their plan was to get married at the court house so she was covered, their original plan was to be husband and wife, and being engaged to an officer in the Navy (who is currently deployed and missing all of the planning) and the daughter an Army veteran, I understand this MOH and brides position fully. It sucks to be in this situation where you want to get your big princess wedding but you can't because the groom can't take the day off. It's more stressful than anything you could ever imagine to want that dream of a white dress a ceremony AND reception AND cake AND friends and family, but having to face the fact that 3 months, 1 month, two weeks before you say "I do" he could get deployed. So we make things work the best we can and plan things the best we can and grin and bear it when none of it works out. 

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way. And if the courthouse wedding is a secret then its a secret and if they want a big white wedding then they should be allowed to have a big white wedding if thats what they want. If they don't keep it secret and everyone knows they are married what makes their big white wedding any different than a vow renewal, even if it does happen a year before their first anniversary. No one HAS to come to the court house wedding and no one HAS to come to their pretty pretty princess day or whatever you guys are calling it but she should be allowed to have the white wedding she wants with the man she may already be married too, and no one has the right tell her she shouldn't and or that if her friend was a good friend she'd help her plan a real wedding instead of a courthouse wedding and event later. Because unfortunately for a lot of these military brides that later doesn't come. So why not seize the day get married and then celebrate it with friends and family when he's able to be there with her to do it?

I don't think anyone is saying don't celebrate with friends and family.  Lots of people suggested having a party to celebrate the marriage ... what they are saying isn't right is pretending to get married and deceiving one's guests in doing so.  To me the big difference between a vow renewal and big "wedding" is that at a vow renewal, nobody is under the false impression that they're witnessing a marriage. 

As for stress, yeah there are parts of being a military wife that are stressful.  But I think it's overstating it to say it's more stressful than anyone can imagine.  I really don't want this to turn into pain Olympics or anything, but honestly if wedding planning was the most stress I had to deal with in terms of military BS I would get down on my knees and thank my lucky stars.  Worrying about material things like a wedding dress or a cake would be SO much easier than many of the things DH and I went through during his military career.  Those things are not necessary or even important parts of a wedding. 

But you're right it's their choice.  I just think it's a super shitty way to treat people and it sucks when the "but it's the military!" excuse gets thrown out because it can lead to people painting the community with a broad brush and not all spouses would do that to their friends and family.

flbride2015

kewest88 said:

I am also a military bride and I'd like to say that you guys aren't being very fair. I've grown up in the military life and know what you have to miss out on because of it. This girl, and any other girl, military or not, can have as many ceremonies as she wants, it's their choice to do whatever they want and I feel like telling them "that ship has sailed" or they don't get to have one is kind of rude. I may have missed it so correct me if I'm wrong but she never said the reason they were getting married at the courthouse was so she could get benefits. Even if their plan was to get married at the court house so she was covered, their original plan was to be husband and wife, and being engaged to an officer in the Navy (who is currently deployed and missing all of the planning) and the daughter an Army veteran, I understand this MOH and brides position fully. It sucks to be in this situation where you want to get your big princess wedding but you can't because the groom can't take the day off. It's more stressful than anything you could ever imagine to want that dream of a white dress a ceremony AND reception AND cake AND friends and family, but having to face the fact that 3 months, 1 month, two weeks before you say "I do" he could get deployed. So we make things work the best we can and plan things the best we can and grin and bear it when none of it works out. 

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way. And if the courthouse wedding is a secret then its a secret and if they want a big white wedding then they should be allowed to have a big white wedding if thats what they want. If they don't keep it secret and everyone knows they are married what makes their big white wedding any different than a vow renewal, even if it does happen a year before their first anniversary. No one HAS to come to the court house wedding and no one HAS to come to their pretty pretty princess day or whatever you guys are calling it but she should be allowed to have the white wedding she wants with the man she may already be married too, and no one has the right tell her she shouldn't and or that if her friend was a good friend she'd help her plan a real wedding instead of a courthouse wedding and event later. Because unfortunately for a lot of these military brides that later doesn't come. So why not seize the day get married and then celebrate it with friends and family when he's able to be there with her to do it?

Prior service member and military bride here too honey: your response is terrible. I'm not even going to get into the terrible parts, what I am going to say is that you, me, and the other military brides in this thread aren't special. We're adults and are choosing to marry people in the military, which means we have to own up to the consequences of those decisions. That means, that just like everyone else, we only get one day.

I'll even admit to the fact that I almost did the whole PPD thing last PCS. Fiance was going to be sent overseas and I suggested we get married at the JOP and have our "real" wedding later so I could go with him and we could still have our wedding. Because moving overseas when you're not married to the servicemember is hard. I didn't want to "ruin" the wedding for our families so I even told him we could lie about it, and hey, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. I'm super embarassed to even admit I thought that way. Luckily, the horrified look on my fiance's face when I suggested it and the numerous PPD threads I came across here, allowed me to realize what a horrible idea it was before it was too late.

Want to know what happened with the PCS? I moved on my own. I got a new job, bought my own plane tickets, and moved to be with him all on my own, like an adult, so that he and I can have the wedding we want and not a "do over". So that I can look at my family and friends in the eye the day I get married and know I'm not lying to the people I love the most. Oh, and because of the whole Army values thing: I'm pretty sure lying to defraud the government for benefits by pretending we're still single after going to the JOP, just because we were "going to get married anyway," probably goes against the integrity value.

One final point, deployments, PCS, last minute orders are a regular part of the job. There are military wives who will have their spouses miss the birth of their children, doesn't mean they get a do over. Even if the OP's friend went ahead and planned their PPD, what guarantee does she have that her husband (because that's what he'll be) won't be deployed again or sent to the field on that day? There isn't. So why even go into it planning to have a PPD? Why not just plan a wedding? If she wants to seize the day, fine, seize it, but that's the day she gets. He's at basic, which means she has at least 6 weeks to plan something. That's plenty of time to plan a wedding.

And if it's not, then just wait. Being married doesn't automatically make you love the person you're with more. As you can see from my example, I still love my fiance, I still moved with him, I still live with him, we are a family, and we didn't need to get married for that. The only difference between our relationship now and after our wedding, is that we will get all the legal benefits of being married. So yes, rushing to the courthouse and having a PPD later is ALWAYS about the benefits. ALWAYS.

And hey, that's ok. If a couple wants the military benefits and they're planning on getting married anyway, and they want to seize the day, that's perfectly fine. But that's their wedding. That's the adult decision they make and have to live with. They do not get a do over. They can throw a kickass party to celebrate afterwards, or have a vow renewal 10 years down the road, but not a wedding do over because they will already be married. 

AuroraRose41

PP's already covered the PPD aspect. If she does change her mind and invite more guests to the legal ceremony (wherever that may take place), I also think that you should plan a real shower where she can be there in person. Showers are supposed to be intimate events anyways; let her decide if it is too far for everyone and if she doesn't want it. But don't do the virtual thing with sending packets to people and mail things to her. If she can't be there, then she should decline it. 

You want to talk about long distance? I live on the opposite coast of the U.S. from all of my family and most of my friends. My mother and aunt already mentioned wanting to throw me a shower as our wedding date gets closer. If I accept, then I will make sure that I am actually at that shower, even if it is on the other side of the country, and I will take responsibility for getting the gifts back to where FI and I live. 

kmmssg

kewest88 said:

I am also a military bride and I'd like to say that you guys aren't being very fair. I've grown up in the military life and know what you have to miss out on because of it. This girl, and any other girl, military or not, can have as many ceremonies as she wants, it's their choice to do whatever they want and I feel like telling them "that ship has sailed" or they don't get to have one is kind of rude. I may have missed it so correct me if I'm wrong but she never said the reason they were getting married at the courthouse was so she could get benefits. Even if their plan was to get married at the court house so she was covered, their original plan was to be husband and wife, and being engaged to an officer in the Navy (who is currently deployed and missing all of the planning) and the daughter an Army veteran, I understand this MOH and brides position fully. It sucks to be in this situation where you want to get your big princess wedding but you can't because the groom can't take the day off. It's more stressful than anything you could ever imagine to want that dream of a white dress a ceremony AND reception AND cake AND friends and family, but having to face the fact that 3 months, 1 month, two weeks before you say "I do" he could get deployed. So we make things work the best we can and plan things the best we can and grin and bear it when none of it works out. 

Now as for keeping it a secret, thats their choice, and maybe they feel it's best to do things this way. And if the courthouse wedding is a secret then its a secret and if they want a big white wedding then they should be allowed to have a big white wedding if thats what they want. If they don't keep it secret and everyone knows they are married what makes their big white wedding any different than a vow renewal, even if it does happen a year before their first anniversary. No one HAS to come to the court house wedding and no one HAS to come to their pretty pretty princess day or whatever you guys are calling it but she should be allowed to have the white wedding she wants with the man she may already be married too, and no one has the right tell her she shouldn't and or that if her friend was a good friend she'd help her plan a real wedding instead of a courthouse wedding and event later. Because unfortunately for a lot of these military brides that later doesn't come. So why not seize the day get married and then celebrate it with friends and family when he's able to be there with her to do it?

I am a 26 year veteran and this is terrible advice.

The Army has what is called the Seven Army Values.  They are:

Loyalty

Duty

Respect

Selfless service

Honor

Integrity

Personal courage

If you look at the first letter of each of those it is LDRSHIP - Leadership.  I would never in a million years compromise my integrity by lying about a secret wedding so I could have a Pretty Princess Day.  I took the NCO creed to heart and would never deceive the people I love the most by keeping my marriage a secret so they would think they are seeing the real thing.  If I did lie about that I would take out most of the Army Values in one fell swoop.

AND I would have absolutely zero respect for any service member who did that, because if they lied about something so important to their nearest and dearest, how could I ever respect their decisions as a leader?

I really don't care if someone has a PPD AS LONG AS THEY ARE HONEST WITH EVERYONE.

Being in the military doesn't give anyone special rights or privileges.  We all signed up voluntarily and our spouses knew what they were getting in to.