Wedding Etiquette Forum

Cousin wants to bring an alternative date

jillnicole0jillnicole0 member
Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
edited March 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My cousin's husband is away in the Army Reserve, and won't be able to attend my wedding. My cousin messaged me last night asking if she could bring along a friend of hers (whom I have never met) in place of her husband. I declined as her whole family will be there, therefore she'll know lots of people anyway. Did I make the right call? Thanks all!
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Re: Cousin wants to bring an alternative date

  • My step-cousin's husband is away in the Army Reserve, and won't be able to attend my wedding 4/25/15. My brother is in the same Army group and as a result will miss my big day as well. My cousin messaged me last night asking if she could bring along a friend of hers (whom I have never met) in place of her husband. I told her we were already 30 people over budget, therefore, I declined and she seemed annoyed. Did I make the right call? My brother's girlfriend is attending without a plus one, and I really don't care to have a complete stranger at my wedding. Thanks all!

    Yes, you made the right call. Wedding invitations aren't like concert tickets. They are non-transferable. 

    It's extremely rude of her to ask you that. If her husband can't go, he can't go. At that point, she can accept or decline. 

    This makes no sense to me. I would never be so bold as to get a wedding invitation for a family member and if DH was traveling for work just ask if I could bring someone else. No. Just all the no.
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  • You're not out of line to tell her no.    It's often nice to give people the option of a travel companion.   I can sympathize that it's not fun to attend a wedding if the love of your life is not able to be with you at the event, but that doesn't mean that the hosts need to let you bring someone else.   
  • Personally, I would have let her bring the friend. You should have budgeted for her husband to come, so the budget shouldn't matter if she brought someone else. But, you are perfectly within etiquette not to allow her to transfer the invitation. 

    If you are 30 people over budget, that's poor planning on your part. Don't use it as an excuse and don't spread it around. That's no one's business. 
  • My step-cousin's husband is away in the Army Reserve, and won't be able to attend my wedding 4/25/15. My brother is in the same Army group and as a result will miss my big day as well. My cousin messaged me last night asking if she could bring along a friend of hers (whom I have never met) in place of her husband. I told her we were already 30 people over budget, therefore, I declined and she seemed annoyed. Did I make the right call? My brother's girlfriend is attending without a plus one, and I really don't care to have a complete stranger at my wedding. Thanks all!

    To the bolded, your brother's GF wouldn't need a +1 since her SO is invited, but might not be able to make it. It is the same situation.
  • It's your wedding so it's up to you who comes and who doesn't.  If you aren't comfortable with someone you don't know being their then that's your decision.


    I had this same thing happen to us.  We are having a wedding and we are having to pay per chair, fees for set up, reset, and take down.  We decided to make it a kid free wedding which kept a lot of family from coming.  They understood.  But, one of my bridesmaid said he boyfriend couldn't come and she wanted to bring her friend.  I said no at first but she BEGGED.  We had him budgeted in anyways so we just let her bring her friend.


    Good Luck.  My wedding is the same day!

  • OP, if you are going to post this on multiple boards, please put XP in the title so that we know it's a crosspost.

  • I would have let her bring a friend, especially if travel is involved.  But like others have said you are within your right to say no.

    But to use your poor planning of your budget as an excuse was not appropriate.  You being over budget is your own fault.

  • scribe95 said:

    You are on solid etiquette grounds. Having said that I would let her. Then again I didn't plan my wedding so poorly that I was 30 people over budget. 

    Yep, yep, yep.


    I also never understood the whole I don't want strangers at wedding excuse. Strangling being a guest of a guest. Not as in a whole room full of people with no connection to us.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:

    scribe95 said:

    You are on solid etiquette grounds. Having said that I would let her. Then again I didn't plan my wedding so poorly that I was 30 people over budget. 

    Yep, yep, yep.


    I also never understood the whole I don't want strangers at wedding excuse
    . Strangling being a guest of a guest. Not as in a whole room full of people with no connection to us.
    exactly!  My mom is inviting a friend of hers who I've never met, she is a stranger to me but it didn't mean I'd say no.  Or what about the spouse or SO of someone, you may not have met them before and thus are a stranger to you but doesn't mean they shouldn't be invited.
  • kvruns said:

    lyndausvi said:

    scribe95 said:

    You are on solid etiquette grounds. Having said that I would let her. Then again I didn't plan my wedding so poorly that I was 30 people over budget. 

    Yep, yep, yep.


    I also never understood the whole I don't want strangers at wedding excuse
    . Strangling being a guest of a guest. Not as in a whole room full of people with no connection to us.
    exactly!  My mom is inviting a friend of hers who I've never met, she is a stranger to me but it didn't mean I'd say no.  Or what about the spouse or SO of someone, you may not have met them before and thus are a stranger to you but doesn't mean they shouldn't be invited.
    I've never met any of FI's relatives because none of them live around here and they don't visit each other very often. So his entire side (besides immediate family) are strangers to me. I guess I shouldn't have invited anyone from his side? 
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  • kvruns said:

    lyndausvi said:

    scribe95 said:

    You are on solid etiquette grounds. Having said that I would let her. Then again I didn't plan my wedding so poorly that I was 30 people over budget. 

    Yep, yep, yep.


    I also never understood the whole I don't want strangers at wedding excuse
    . Strangling being a guest of a guest. Not as in a whole room full of people with no connection to us.
    exactly!  My mom is inviting a friend of hers who I've never met, she is a stranger to me but it didn't mean I'd say no.  Or what about the spouse or SO of someone, you may not have met them before and thus are a stranger to you but doesn't mean they shouldn't be invited.
    I've never met any of FI's relatives because none of them live around here and they don't visit each other very often. So his entire side (besides immediate family) are strangers to me. I guess I shouldn't have invited anyone from his side? 
    Yup.  There were some relatives of H's that I had never met and there were some relatives of mine (mainly my late-Grandfathers sister and her son) that I had never met.  But I guess I shouldn't have invited them since they were strangers.

  • Personally I wouldn't feel any obligation to let her bring a friend. She is family, if she doesn't know/like enough of her family to want to spend time with them without bringing a friend then she should decline. If I let her bring a random friend I would feel obligated to let all my single relative bring a friend, otherwise I think it would be rude to allow her a guest and none of the rest of them.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I think you're fine not letting her bring someone else instead of her husband. Invitations aren't transferable.

    And to those who think letting someone bring a substitute just because "it's already in the budget," I disagree. The OP budgeted for specific people, and it's up to her who they should be. It should even be up to her to decide what should happen to money spent for invited guests who can't make it-not anyone else.
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I don't think it's rude of her to ask.  I would be annoyed if you told me no, too... I'd get over it but I'd still be bummed you won't let me bring a friend when my husband is in the Army.  It's not her fault you over invited.  Attending weddings alone sucks for a lot of people...especially when your significant other is far away...  It's fine that you told her no, but you should understand that it's okay she be annoyed by your decision...
  • I had budgeted for 100, the parents gave us 20 people they wanted us to invite (which they helped to pay for some of the wedding, I felt obligated), the other 10 were work friends of my fiance's. They are all from out of state and he didn't think they'd be able to make it, but wanted to extend the courtesy invite anyway.
  • A quarter of the guests are all from my step-mothers family, so she will know plenty of people.
  • Jen4948 said:

    I think you're fine not letting her bring someone else instead of her husband. Invitations aren't transferable.

    And to those who think letting someone bring a substitute just because "it's already in the budget," I disagree.
    The OP budgeted for specific people, and it's up to her who they should be. It should even be up to her to decide what should happen to money spent for invited guests who can't make it-not anyone else.

    I don't think the bolded - I think she's well within her rights to not allow substitutions. However, I do think that she made it only about "spots" that she'd presumably already budgeted for when she brought up the budget by way of explanation. She should have just left that out of the discussion. Since the issue was made to sound like it was only a matter of cost, I can see where the guest would be confused that a substitution wasn't allowed.
  • I agree @flantastic, I went about it the wrong way.
  • My cousin's husband is away in the Army Reserve, and won't be able to attend my wedding. My cousin messaged me last night asking if she could bring along a friend of hers (whom I have never met) in place of her husband. I declined as her whole family will be there, therefore she'll know lots of people anyway. Did I make the right call? Thanks all!


    Is there a reason that you edited the content of your OP? You were quoted, so people can still read your original post. This is shady.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I can see that- others were commenting on things besides the fact, I figured I'd make the question more straight forward, that's all.
  • I'd prefer to delete the thread completely, but apparently you can't do that?
  • I'd prefer to delete the thread completely, but apparently you can't do that?

    Of course not. Outside of it being bad netiquette, the boards are here to help everyone, not just you. Your questions stays up forever to help others who have a similar question.

  • mlg78 said:

    I don't think it's rude of her to ask.  I would be annoyed if you told me no, too... I'd get over it but I'd still be bummed you won't let me bring a friend when my husband is in the Army.  It's not her fault you over invited.  Attending weddings alone sucks for a lot of people...especially when your significant other is far away...  It's fine that you told her no, but you should understand that it's okay she be annoyed by your decision...

    The guest has no reason to be annoyed. Her husband was invited, as it's proper etiquette to invite SO, of course. But just because a SO cannot attend, doesn't mean that person is entitled to bring someone else. It's an invite only event.

    Personally, I would probably let her bring her friend, but I didn't have anyone ask this for my wedding.
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  • I can see that- others were commenting on things besides the fact, I figured I'd make the question more straight forward, that's all.

    Sorry, you posted on a public thread. You can't tell people which parts of your post to comment on.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I like how you edited the original post to take out the part where you over invited.

    That being said, I would let her bring the friend. We had a couple people ask if they could bring someone instead of their partner, and we said yes because if it's going to make it more comfortable for as a guest, might as well let her.
  • edited April 2015

    I like how you edited the original post to take out the part where you over invited.

    That being said, I would let her bring the friend. We had a couple people ask if they could bring someone instead of their partner, and we said yes because if it's going to make it more comfortable for as a guest, might as well let her.

    Just curious - Did folks who are saying let her bring a friend - did you extend a plus one to all your single guests? I think allowing a guest t transfer her SO's invite to another person is rude to all the guests (at least in similar "circles") who did not get a plus one for a friend as well. If everyone got a SO or guest, then I see the case for accommodating her friend to make the cousin more comfortable.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I like how you edited the original post to take out the part where you over invited.

    That being said, I would let her bring the friend. We had a couple people ask if they could bring someone instead of their partner, and we said yes because if it's going to make it more comfortable for as a guest, might as well let her.

    Just curious - Did folks who are saying let her bring a friend - did you extend a plus one to all your single guests? I think allowing a guest t transfer her SO's invite to another person is rude to all the guests (at least in similar "circles") who did not get a plus one for a friend as well. If everyone got a SO or guest, then I see the case for accommodating her friend to make the cousin more comfortable.
    Yes, I extended plus ones to all my single guests.  I am not a fan of not allowing plus ones to truly single guests.  It is all about the comfort of my guests to me and if someone would feel more comfortable attending a wedding with a date/friend, even if they knew a ton of people at the wedding, then I would want to make sure they were given that courtesy.

    And if I were OP and knew that my step cousins BF was not going to be able to attend due to him being in the Army Reserves then I would have offered her the chance to bring a friend before she even had the chance to ask me.

  • I like how you edited the original post to take out the part where you over invited.

    That being said, I would let her bring the friend. We had a couple people ask if they could bring someone instead of their partner, and we said yes because if it's going to make it more comfortable for as a guest, might as well let her.

    Just curious - Did folks who are saying let her bring a friend - did you extend a plus one to all your single guests? I think allowing a guest t transfer her SO's invite to another person is rude to all the guests (at least in similar "circles") who did not get a plus one for a friend as well. If everyone got a SO or guest, then I see the case for accommodating her friend to make the cousin more comfortable.
    I did give all my singles a plus one.
  • I like how you edited the original post to take out the part where you over invited.

    That being said, I would let her bring the friend. We had a couple people ask if they could bring someone instead of their partner, and we said yes because if it's going to make it more comfortable for as a guest, might as well let her.

    Just curious - Did folks who are saying let her bring a friend - did you extend a plus one to all your single guests? I think allowing a guest t transfer her SO's invite to another person is rude to all the guests (at least in similar "circles") who did not get a plus one for a friend as well. If everyone got a SO or guest, then I see the case for accommodating her friend to make the cousin more comfortable.
    So far I've had one person substitute a guest, which I decided not to have a problem with. He's from OOT and will only know a few people at the wedding since he's one of FI's college friends. But we also gave all single guests a plus one. Many have decided not to use it. Actually, a surprising number have decided not to use it.

    I like giving a plus one to all single guests for situations like my roommate from college. She is bringing another girl from college she still sees frequently as her plus one. My roommate will know a lot of people because I'm inviting other college mutual friends, but she and this girl will get to travel together, which I think makes it easier on those who have to drive multiple hours.
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