Eloping Etiquette Advice - When to tell your family

MinBride29

Hi there! My fiancé and I are eloping very soon. We booked a week vacation to go away and get married.

When is the appropriate time to tell our family that we got married? Should we be calling them from our vacation or wait until we return? Over the phone, in person (or dare I say text lol)? I imagine this is different for every couple but I wanted to know if there is a rule of thumb in case we are totally missing something.

How did your family react after you told them?

mlg78

Why would you not tell them beforehand? You fear their reaction? What do you think it would be? Texting is a cop out and incredibly rude. Then again, I'd fine not telling family beforehand to be rather rude too. I know the definition is to do it secretly...but it just baffles me why someone would feel the need to do it with such secrecy.

Casadena

I feel like it's not a real elopement if everyone knows beforehand. Isn't that the point of eloping?

dramamonkey

I didn't elope, but one of my best friends did. 

They didn't go away, but they did take the whole day together to get married, take some beautiful photos, and then they called close friends and family the next day saying "hey, we got married on Friday!" We live close enough and see each other often enough that we probably could have gotten together and been told in person, but I didn't mind that she just called. I was a little bummed that I didn't get to see them get married - but I was still overjoyed for them and it didn't matter. 

Once they got the photos back, they ordered and sent wedding announcement postcards to everyone that would have gotten an invite to their wedding (if they had one). 

Pretty positive reactions all around, but they both had been married before (short marriages for both of them) and had big weddings the first go-round. 

I think you'd be golden if you wait until you get back - spend the time enjoying your trip!

huskypuppy14

MinBride29 said:

Hi there! My fiancé and I are eloping very soon. We booked a week vacation to go away and get married.

When is the appropriate time to tell our family that we got married? Should we be calling them from our vacation or wait until we return? Over the phone, in person (or dare I say text lol)? I imagine this is different for every couple but I wanted to know if there is a rule of thumb in case we are totally missing something.

How did your family react after you told them?

If you are truly eloping, you go away and get married without telling anyone beforehand. Is that what you want to do. I definitely wouldn't text your parents that you got married, but I guess it depends how close you are with them. I think either calling or doing it in person is fine. 

If you want to tell them beforehand, then you're not really eloping but having a private ceremony,

@mlg78 it's not rude to not tell your family that you're getting married. I wouldn't do it, but everyone's family dynamics are different. Maybe she has too many meddling parents, and doesn't want to deal with it. 

mlg78

I'm aware of that. That's why I inquired the reasoning as to why they don't want to tell. I know my mom would be devastated if I did it and didn't tell her because she would at least want to be involved with dress shopping or something...

huskypuppy14

mlg78 said:

I'm aware of that. That's why I inquired the reasoning as to why they don't want to tell. I know my mom would be devastated if I did it and didn't tell her because she would at least want to be involved with dress shopping or something...

I wouldn't do it either. But just because you find it rude, doesn't make it rude. It's not rude to elope.

redoryx

mlg78 said:

I'm aware of that. That's why I inquired the reasoning as to why they don't want to tell. I know my mom would be devastated if I did it and didn't tell her because she would at least want to be involved with dress shopping or something...

Who cares why she doesn't want to tell? If you are truly eloping then you don't tell beforehand, the reasons behind that don't really matter. 

blabla89

PLEASE don't tell them over text. Unless your family isn't involved in your life at all, or you have some really good reason to do it secretly, I would let your immediate family know beforehand to avoid hurt feelings. For more distant family, you can mail a wedding announcement card afterward.

Maggie0829

My previous boss eloped.  Before she left she left for her vacation/elopement she went to a florist and ordered two arrangements for their parents and included a hand written card to let them know of their marriage.  She had them delivered the day they got married.

Eloping is not rude.  Not telling your parents before hand is not rude.  Is it a possibility that they could be upset because they didn't know?  Yes, but as an adult you are free to make your own decisions and they will just need to get over it.

banana468

mlg78 said:

I'm aware of that. That's why I inquired the reasoning as to why they don't want to tell. I know my mom would be devastated if I did it and didn't tell her because she would at least want to be involved with dress shopping or something...

Then it isn't eloping!   

I do agree with you though that if you're going to elope it can hurt feelings.   We planned our wedding the way we did for a reason and I wanted our families there.   But  it's not really nice to plan the wedding and tell people in advance that they're not welcome either. 

redoryx

Maggie0829 said:

My previous boss eloped.  Before she left she left for her vacation/elopement she went to a florist and ordered two arrangements for their parents and included a hand written card to let them know of their marriage.  She had them delivered the day they got married.

Eloping is not rude.  Not telling your parents before hand is not rude.  Is it a possibility that they could be upset because they didn't know?  Yes, but as an adult you are free to make your own decisions and they will just need to get over it.

This, I think, is the ultimate question you have to ask yourself and it's going to depend entirely on your family dynamics. My immediate family would probably be upset they missed it but, at the same time, not at all surprised that was the choice I made so they'd quickly get over it because YAY! MARRIED! 

How you tell them, again, comes down to family dynamics. That being said, texting sounds like a horrible way to let them know unless you have absolutely no interaction with them at all and you're just telling them out of some sense of obligation. 

Maggie0829

redoryx said:

Maggie0829 said:

My previous boss eloped.  Before she left she left for her vacation/elopement she went to a florist and ordered two arrangements for their parents and included a hand written card to let them know of their marriage.  She had them delivered the day they got married.

Eloping is not rude.  Not telling your parents before hand is not rude.  Is it a possibility that they could be upset because they didn't know?  Yes, but as an adult you are free to make your own decisions and they will just need to get over it.

This, I think, is the ultimate question you have to ask yourself and it's going to depend entirely on your family dynamics. My immediate family would probably be upset they missed it but, at the same time, not at all surprised that was the choice I made so they'd quickly get over it because YAY! MARRIED! 

How you tell them, again, comes down to family dynamics. That being said, texting sounds like a horrible way to let them know unless you have absolutely no interaction with them at all and you're just telling them out of some sense of obligation. 

And just to add to this.  So you tell your family before hand that you and your FI are going to go off and get married.  For me, I am not sure how telling them will make things any better.  You are basically saying "hey we are going to go and get married while we are on vacation.  oh and you aren't invited."  So yeah you are removing the surprise but if your family is going to be hurt that you went off and got married without telling them then they will most likely be hurt that you didn't invite them to witness it too.

jacques27

Please, please, please don't tell your family over text message (or social media).  Important news to important people deserves more respect than that.  Texting is for "Hey, can you stop and get a bag of ice on your way over?"  Not for announcing your marriage.

If you're getting married on day one of a seven day vacation, and you think your immediately family (parents, siblings) will be upset you waited six more days to tell them, then give them a call from your vacation.  (I probably wouldn't do this if they are inclined to use social media to blab the news to people you wanted to tell personally though.)  Otherwise, it can wait until you get home to do it in person if they live close enough.  Everyone else, call when you get back and/or mail out announcements within a day or two of getting back from your vacation.

MyNameIsNot

There's no etiquette about when to tell. Your closest family deserves at least a phone call if you don't tell them in person. You can send out an announcement to extended family if you want. 

This is just about your family and your relationship with them. I think most parents would be hurt to not hear about it ahead of time, but you know your family. 

larrygaga

If you tell them beforehand they also might feel they have a chance to convince you not to elope. There's that.

It's not rude to elope! Make sure to call or tell everyone close in person, then send out announcements to everyone!

Congrats!!

Jells2dot0

I eloped. There is no right or wrong answer here. No one can tell you when the right time to tell YOUR family and friends is. It depends on your relationship with them. It's probably reasonable to tell them after you get back from your vacation, but in my case, I waited a whole month to tell my dad. It's just the type of relationship I have with him. Most people found out I got married when my photog tagged me on Facebook in the photos she took of our wedding. But, you know what? Everyone was so happy for us. They accepted our choice and understood our decision. I did not send out announcements, as I did not want to make a bg deaI that we chose to marry. I will say that it was our second marriage, so that may make things different.

MinBride29

Thank you all for your advice/comments so far. I very much appreciate it.

I just wanted to start off by saying that I was NOT serious about texting my family about getting married. I was joking, hence I said "dare I say..." In an age of texting and social media, I imagine that many surprises are ruined because someone who is too eager spills the beans. Social media also loses the personal touch that an in-person meeting or a phone call might have.

That being said, it is likely that I will text my brother because he texted me about his engagement and we are not very close. We find it easier to communicate via texting and email. I don't remember the last time we've spoken on the phone actually.

@maggie0829, the story about your boss sending flowers to their respective families sounds lovely.

@redoryx, I agree with you and also think people who know us will understand that eloping was appropriate for us.

In the past, I was bothered because by 2 separate people telling us that "weddings are for the family and friends who want to celebrate with you, not the bride and groom." Maybe that's the case for some but we feel that weddings are for the couple and elopement is for us.

saric83

If you end up staggering when you tell people, I would highly recommend locking down your Facebook notifications and maybe temporarily disabling your wall, so someone can't tag you in something.  Obviously, people can still find out if your mom posts, "Billy and Jenny just got married!", but it would just be people who she is friends with versus everyone you're friends with too. 

We've had immediate family spill the beans on Facebook for our engagement and the sex of our child before we even finished telling our nearest and dearest in-person or on the phone.  So beware.

[Deleted User]

My vote is to tell your families when you get back in person if possible. That way you can share the excitement with them.

AddieCake

If it were me, I would call my family as soon as I got back from the trip. 

bethsmiles

I would probably tell the people I'm closest too in person when I got back or make phone calls if I couldn't see them in person, then I'd just let it spread through the grapevine.

But like PPs have said, there's no right or wrong answer.

CMGragain

Traditionally, in the old days, a marriage was announced with a telegram, sent on the day of the ceremony.  Telegrams were used for very important announcements that couldn't wait for regular mail, such as weddings, births and deaths.
Today technology has changed, aand the telephone is the usual method of communication for very close family.  The call should be made on the day of the ceremony.  Other relatives and friends are notified with marriage announcements sent in the mail.  They are very brief.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State or Country

There have been many true elopements in my family.  Some were greeted with joy, and others not so much.  You are not responsible for how other people react to your elopement.  You have the right to choose how you are married.

I agree with the other posters.  DO NOT use social media (Facebook, e-mails, etc.) to announce your maqrriage.  It is very tacky.



No other information should be included.

thespeshulestsnowflake

CMGragain said:

Traditionally, in the old days, a marriage was announced with a telegram, sent on the day of the ceremony.  Telegrams were used for very important announcements that couldn't wait for regular mail, such as weddings, births and deaths.
Today technology has changed, aand the telephone is the usual method of communication for very close family.  The call should be made on the day of the ceremony.  Other relatives and friends are notified with marriage announcements sent in the mail.  They are very brief.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State or Country

There have been many true elopements in my family.  Some were greeted with joy, and others not so much.  You are not responsible for how other people react to your elopement.  You have the right to choose how you are married.

I agree with the other posters.  DO NOT use social media (Facebook, e-mails, etc.) to announce your maqrriage.  It is very tacky.



No other information should be included.

Honest curiosity, can you send telegrams still today?

CMGragain

I really don't know.  I last sent one in 1975.

[Deleted User]

CMGragain said:

Traditionally, in the old days, a marriage was announced with a telegram, sent on the day of the ceremony.  Telegrams were used for very important announcements that couldn't wait for regular mail, such as weddings, births and deaths.
Today technology has changed, aand the telephone is the usual method of communication for very close family.  The call should be made on the day of the ceremony.  Other relatives and friends are notified with marriage announcements sent in the mail.  They are very brief.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State or Country

There have been many true elopements in my family.  Some were greeted with joy, and others not so much.  You are not responsible for how other people react to your elopement.  You have the right to choose how you are married.

I agree with the other posters.  DO NOT use social media (Facebook, e-mails, etc.) to announce your maqrriage.  It is very tacky.



No other information should be included.

So, if I get married at sunset on a beach in Hawaii next weekend, I'm supposed to be on the phone for the rest of the evening telling everyone that I've gotten married?  Because, unlike sending a telegram, that is not going to be a quick conversation.  What if I just want to enjoy my wedding day? Get married, take some sunset pictures, drink some champagne on the beach, have a romantic dinner by the pool, find a quiet spot to dance, get naked in the hotel room and have dirty, dirty hotel sex.  Calling my mother to tell her we got married without her will not be on my To Do list.  I'd totally send her a telegram though.

ashley8918

What the hell? Eloping is absolutely not rude. In regards to when you should tell your family, it really depends on your relationship with them. I would probably call my mom while we were still on vacation, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with waiting until you get back.

Knottie30291358

I mean, no matter the method or time you're telling them that you don't you don't like them enough to want them at the formation of your union and new life, or even in the same state, so what does the medium matter?

ashley8918

Knottie30291358 said:

I mean, no matter the method or time you're telling them that you don't you don't like them enough to want them at the formation of your union and new life, or even in the same state, so what does the medium matter?

No.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Knottie30291358 said:

I mean, no matter the method or time you're telling them that you don't you don't like them enough to want them at the formation of your union and new life, or even in the same state, so what does the medium matter?

Hahaha, nope. So not true. I've talked to my mom about the potential of eloping and she's all for it.

Cookie Pusher

Knottie30291358 said:

I mean, no matter the method or time you're telling them that you don't you don't like them enough to want them at the formation of your union and new life, or even in the same state, so what does the medium matter?

My mom actively encouraged us to elope as a cost-saving measure so we could buy a house sooner.