The Ceremony/Reception Conundrum

geebee908

ferricfox said:

@addiecake I'm marrying him because he's the love of my life. He makes me feel human when so many people just treat me like a broken toy or just simply not worth their time. Waking up next to him every day is blissful, and I'm excited to spend my life with him.
@Maggie0829 I haven't seriously considered therapy, partially because I simply cannot afford it, but I guess I'm just scared of it, too. I don't want someone to say, "Aww, you're just crazy. Here's a valium." For my part, I try to manage it, and I do so pretty well, but things like this just cause flare-ups, so I came here for advice.
Aside from the initial explosion of hate because I didn't make myself clear, I think I've received some good advice, and I will definitely be talking to my FI about our options tonight...

To the bolded, therapy is just going to a professional with the training to help you work through the issues you've brought up here. It's definitely better than asking internet strangers without those skills to help you work through these issues or trying to do it on your own.

There's no shame in getting professional help when you need it or taking medication for any illness, physical or mental, if that is what is going to help to you to lead as healthy and happy a life as you can.

ohannabelle

There is so much drama in your posts that it's impossible to see the actual issues. 

And agreed with PP, if your "real" issues are genuinely that you can't bear the thought of people looking at you and talking about how you aren't a perfect beautiful bride, (presumably for "months" afterwards) how is that going to be different on the 17th as opposed to the 10th? 

So if everybody could have come on the 10th, as per original plan, this wouldn't have been an issue, but now it is? Honestly, unless you have three noses and an arm growing out of the top of your head, people aren't going to be discussing it for "months." 

There's just so much over the top melodramatic language without logic here. "He makes me feel human..other people treat me like a broken toy...I'm a colossal bitch...sorry I wasted everyone's time....terrible terrible terrible.....But shouldn't I care that my parents are proud of a beautiful girl walking down the aisle? Especially since it will stop them from fist-fighting at this thing?" (What? How does that work?) "....initial explosion of hate because I didn't make myself clear....." 

Holy melodrama. How can anyone possibly walk through this barrage of fireworks to see what's really happening? It's impossible to give advice, because it's impossible to know what's real, and what's dramatic posturing.

I need a Valium just trying to read it. 

flbride2015

So I noticed you're having the steampunk themed wedding. Is the problem wearing a wedding dress? Is that what's really making you upset? Because you don't have to wear one. You can wear your themed outfit for your ceremony if you feel better in that. A wedding dress isn't a must, and if you're going to wear something different at your reception, why not just wear the same thing for the ceremony? Would that make you feel more comfortable?

bunni727

Okay, I’m a little confused on everything that’s going on
here, but I’ll just address some points and hope for the best. For reference, I
deal with fairly extreme panic disorder with agoraphobia, so understand where
you are coming from.

Social anxiety issues suck, dude. I get it. Therapy doesn't
have to be expensive—there may be free resources available through your or your
FI’s insurance—and you can turn down medicine and switch therapists until you
find what works for you. Valium was actually recommended for me, and I turned
it down, so we pursued more behavioral treatments. If you want to PM me about
it, I’d be happy to chat with you.

Saying the legal bits are not important was super offensive
to the LGBT community, and you have since explained that’s not what you meant.
You know better now so we’re cool—don’t beat yourself up about it.

Could you do a steampunk photo shoot or some other super special
private time with your FI on the 10th?

If you want to elope, do so.

If you want a truly private ceremony (you and your FI) or a private
family ceremony (immediate family only) and a big reception on the same day,
you can have it. This may offend some relatives, but it is within etiquette and
may placate some family members if you desire to do so. The latter is a
compromise that you don’t have to make, but it is an option.

Don’t have a fake ceremony that you are uncomfortable with
anyway.

Wear what you feel comfortable and confident in—seriously,
whatever it may be. This is one aspect of your wedding that has absolutely no
impact on your guests, so you can 100% focus on pleasing yourself.

I’m certain you’ll be lovely, but you don’t have to be a
beautiful bride. You can be a loving bride, and a smart bride, and an
incredibly brave bride. You are worth more—to the world, your FI, and your
loved ones—than pretty.

You are only wasting our time if you don’t consider our
advice, and since you seem to really be thinking about the things we are
saying, you aren't wasting it at all. It’s literally why we’re on this website—to
talk about wedding stuff and answer questions.

JCbride2015

bunni727 said:

Okay, I’m a little confused on everything that’s going on
here, but I’ll just address some points and hope for the best. For reference, I
deal with fairly extreme panic disorder with agoraphobia, so understand where
you are coming from.

Social anxiety issues suck, dude. I get it. Therapy doesn't
have to be expensive—there may be free resources available through your or your
FI’s insurance—and you can turn down medicine and switch therapists until you
find what works for you. Valium was actually recommended for me, and I turned
it down, so we pursued more behavioral treatments. If you want to PM me about
it, I’d be happy to chat with you.

Saying the legal bits are not important was super offensive
to the LGBT community, and you have since explained that’s not what you meant.
You know better now so we’re cool—don’t beat yourself up about it.

Could you do a steampunk photo shoot or some other super special
private time with your FI on the 10th?

If you want to elope, do so.

If you want a truly private ceremony (you and your FI) or a private
family ceremony (immediate family only) and a big reception on the same day,
you can have it. This may offend some relatives, but it is within etiquette and
may placate some family members if you desire to do so. The latter is a
compromise that you don’t have to make, but it is an option.

Don’t have a fake ceremony that you are uncomfortable with
anyway.

Wear what you feel comfortable and confident in—seriously,
whatever it may be. This is one aspect of your wedding that has absolutely no
impact on your guests, so you can 100% focus on pleasing yourself.

I’m certain you’ll be lovely, but you don’t have to be a
beautiful bride. You can be a loving bride, and a smart bride, and an
incredibly brave bride. You are worth more—to the world, your FI, and your
loved ones—than pretty.

You are only wasting our time if you don’t consider our
advice, and since you seem to really be thinking about the things we are
saying, you aren't wasting it at all. It’s literally why we’re on this website—to
talk about wedding stuff and answer questions.

QFT.

TrixieJess

ferricfox said:

Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

If you don't want the "Legal Part", why get married? Just live together? I'm serious. There is no point in you actually going through with an actual marriage unless you are willing to do the symbolic ceremonial and legally binding ceremony. 

I'm Canadian and considered common-law spouses already by our Government so FI and I had to consider whether it was worth it or not to take the actual step of legally wed. This is why Gay Marriage isn't a big deal up here and is a Federal right.

 I agree with PPs who think that if you take this cavalier attitude towards marriage, maybe speak to people who have been unable to wed the people that they love. I believe that there are still several States that this is still not possible. 

Check your attitude, you asked for advice and were called out for wanting a PPD. Either take the advice or go to another site where they will fawn over your plans and tell you how wonderful they sound because here, everyone will tell you, NO.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm with Annabelle; this story just doesn't add up. If you're anxious about the public spectacle, why did you plan that in the first place? Why did you want a re-do ceremony on the 17th? Why does it ever matter how pretty you are on either day?

Elope on the 10th, have a kickass party on the 17th. No wedding dress, no aisle, no vows. Just a party, no pressure to be a beautiful, perfect bride because you're already a wife.

ferricfox

Thank you, everyone, for listening and for your thoughtful responses. Over the weekend, my FI and I sat down and had a long heart-to-heart, in which we re-examined what was important to us regarding the wedding, ceremony, reception, and all, and discussed the ideas and advice mentioned here in this thread, and decided on what we wanted to do.
We will be married and hold our reception on the 17th. Instead of an all-frills ceremony, it will be more casual (as will be the reception) so I don't get too nervous.
We will continue to celebrate the 10th as a day that is special to us, but add the 17th in as our wedding anniversary.

In the meantime, I will be working on my self-image and better maintenance of  my anxiety, potentially working with my mom, who has some training in that matter, and getting back to doing yoga at home, which I recently stopped due to a busy schedule.

Again, thank you for taking the time to discuss the issue and giving us ideas that enabled my FI and I to come to an agreement that we were both happy with and adhered to etiquette.