Siblings in Wedding Party

breezzy33

Sooo last night during dinner my mom casually slipped into conversation that she expects my brother (who will be 18 at the time that my Fiance and I get married) to be in the bridal party in some way. Now the wedding is a while off and neither of us have decided on bridesmaids/groomsmen/bridesmen/groomsladies and what not, but neither of us had intended on really including younger siblings, which seems to hurt her feelings. My brother is 8 years younger than me and we are not very close, I also don't think he has much interest in being in the bridal party. Is this something I should do for her? or is it ok to not include him in the bridal party?

[Deleted User]

breezzy33 said:

Sooo last night during dinner my mom casually slipped into conversation that she expects my brother (who will be 18 at the time that my Fiance and I get married) to be in the bridal party in some way. Now the wedding is a while off and neither of us have decided on bridesmaids/groomsmen/bridesmen/groomsladies and what not, but neither of us had intended on really including younger siblings, which seems to hurt her feelings. My brother is 8 years younger than me and we are not very close, I also don't think he has much interest in being in the bridal party. Is this something I should do for her? or is it ok to not include him in the bridal party?

Not mom's decision.  Not even a little.  Not even if she pays for the whole damn wedding.  You choose who you want to stand next to you, your groom will choose who he wants to stand next to him, you will ask your people about 9 months before your wedding, the end.  Don't let your mom force this.  Just change the subject if it comes up again.

lovegood90

If you're not close and don't want to have him in, then don't. Your mom has no say in this.

southernbelle0915

No. If you don't want to include him, don't. Simple as that. Even if your mom is contributing financially, attendants are the one thing you have autonomy over. You should ask your closest friends/family and that's it.

Let your mom whine and moan about it - it sounds like it's her thing and your brother doesn't really care.

If you're newly engaged, learn this now: It's ok to say no. You can be polite while still saying no. "Thanks for the idea." "We have it covered, but thanks." "Interesting thought, but we've already decided on XYZ." Then change the subject.

peachy13

What PPs have already said. I don't know your mom but if you foresee her having other expectations related to your wedding that you're not comfortable with, now is definitely your time to start saying no. 

I've realized lately that one of my biggest wedding-related pet peeves is when people who are not the B&G make wedding party suggestions or judgments. "Oh you asked her?" "You should ask your cousin." "Oh I can't believe he didn't ask his college roommate..."

pinupbride6189

My FMIL guilted FI into including his younger brother in the WP.  I think FI is happy he's going to be there, but I'm still a little miffed that she was able to throw her weight around and get him to change his mind. It set a precedent that she'd be able to get her way on other things, too, and let me tell you, she has tried.  Don't let this happen to you. Pick the people you want. Don't make guilt-driven decisions, because most of the time they come back to bite you.

Jen4948

It's not up to your parents who you choose as wedding party members. Even if they're paying for your wedding. It's strictly up to you and your FI. From now on, change the subject whenever your mother brings it up. If she doesn't drop it, then I'd tell your mother, "Mom, I'm sorry for your disappointment but FI and I are not open to discussing this with you."

huskypuppy14

My husband included his brother (he has 3), even though he isn't close with him. Because it would look worse to have his other 2 brothers, and not the third. He didn't want to create drama. 

Every family is different, but ultimately it's up to you, not your mother who is in your wedding party.

My parents have 7 siblings between the two of them, and not one was in their wedding party. 

frenchiekin

If you really don't want him to be in it, don't let anyone pressure you into it.  

I let my step-sister (who is a bridesmaid and who I normally have a very good relationship with) bully me into having her daughter/my niece be a flowergirl.  We are having an adults-only reception and my FI and I never pictured having children in our wedding party.  She indicated that she would be extremely upset if we didn't include my niece, who will be 7 at the wedding.  I caved to keep the peace.  Now we are <6 months out, and my niece has some social anxiety issues (like, HATES when people are looking at her and will throw absolute shitfits/tantrums if she is forced to do ANYTHING in public that she does not want to do, cue my ceremony nightmare) and has said she does not want to be in the wedding because she doesn't want ~200 people looking at her.  Also refuses to wear anything but t-shirts and running shorts and is making no exceptions for a wedding.  Sister is not backing down and basically forcing her to be in the wedding.  This has been one of the only stressful parts of our wedding planning.

Long story short, at the end of the day, you know your family dynamics best.  If you don't want to include him, and HE doesn't really want to be included, and you aren't going to create more drama than it's worth by dying on this hill, put your foot down.

princessleia22

I think wedding party is 100% your decision and it's okay to say no.  Some people really only want the few people closest to them, some want to include all siblings, and some want to include everyone possible.  For my wedding, we kept it small to those closest to us.  My sister & her husband included all siblings, spouses of siblings, and best friends in their wedding party. If you don't want to include younger brother, just tell mom that you really would like to keep the wedding party small.

blabla89

You are absolutely not obligated to include anyone in your WP if you don't want to.

Maggie0829

You and your FI do not have to include your siblings if you do not want to.  If your Mom gets her feelers all in a twist then that is her issue and she will just have to get over it.

mrscomposer

I was engaged once before and when we announced it to my family, my grandma took one look at the female cousins in the room and said "one, two, three, four!  There's your wedding party!"  I laughed it off then, but had a whole litany of 'uhhhhhhhhh NOPE' in my head.

I have a brother (eleven years younger than me) and a sister, and my husband has a brother.  My sister was my MOH, and J's brother was his BM.  There was never any consideration that my brother would be in our wedding party.  He walked my mom down the aisle and did a reading - and no one ever mentioned anything about it (to us, anyway).  I know that K himself was happy to not be standing up there any longer than he already had to; I used big sister privilege to get him to do the reading.

My husband's brother is planning his wedding right now.  Apparently one night my FIL asked brother if I would be standing up for his FI.  HER father asked her if her brother would be standing up on his side.  It may be traditional to include siblings in some areas, but I'm not sure.

lembaslover

Like PP have said you know your family dynamics the best. If you don't want him in the wedding party don't have him in it. My FI and I aren't having siblings in the wedding party but we are having them do a reading during the ceremony. In my opinion wedding parties are for your closest friends (which sometimes is family) but we wanted them to share in the ceremony itself.

Knottie65411223

My FI and I both have siblings, none of which are in the wedding party. I am close to my sisters but he is not close to his brother. We each chose 1 friend and ended the list there. My sisters and other close friends who would have normally been in the wedding party will be there for the getting ready and I will be taking pictures with them, they just won't be standing up front during the ceremony. His brother is throwing the bachelor party and will probably be an usher.

Do what you want for your wedding, its not like he can't be involved in some other way.

larrygaga

It's not her choice! 

He could be an usher though. 

anjemon

It's not your Mom's decision. Totally yours.

H and I did not include his sister in the WP. H is not very close to his sister and when I mentioned including her, he was not interested. We did ask her to be a reader, I thought that was a good way to honor her and her relationship with her brother. She seemed very pleased to be reading. You could always consider having  your brother read or be an usher, depending on what he is comfortable with.