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Daughter wants to call fiance dad

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Re: Daughter wants to call fiance dad

  • lyndausvi said:

    lyndausvi said:

    jenna8984 said:

    My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.



    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is.

    I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.
    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.
    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 


    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  

    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.
    Okay, so one example=a lot? 

    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).


    I didn't say my example is the only one out there.   Just providing an example how some parents are pretty fucked up about alienating the other parent is why some people feel the need to put these types of clauses in an agreement.


    And yes, some courts think there should be stipulations who who can be around their child or not.    
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    Okay.
  • lyndausvi said:

    jenna8984 said:

    My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.



    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is.

    I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.
    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.
    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 


    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  

    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.
    Okay, so one example=a lot? 

    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).


    I was just worried how she was going to handle anyone new in either of our lives given we were together the first 4 1/2 years of her life, moving , starting school the next week, had to be pulled out of her sports because of my work hours and the drive to my moms. She wouldn't get to see his parents who lived next door as much. After uncle passed she got violent and was hitting hard enough to leave bruises, throwing things, broke a window, total personality change. Just like everything turned to unpredictable and made things even worse.
  • lyndausvi said:

    jenna8984 said:

    My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.



    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is.

    I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.
    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.
    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 


    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  

    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.
    Okay, so one example=a lot? 

    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).


    I was just worried how she was going to handle anyone new in either of our lives given we were together the first 4 1/2 years of her life, moving , starting school the next week, had to be pulled out of her sports because of my work hours and the drive to my moms. She wouldn't get to see his parents who lived next door as much. After uncle passed she got violent and was hitting hard enough to leave bruises, throwing things, broke a window, total personality change. Just like everything turned to unpredictable and made things even worse.
    Well then get her a therapist and let them tell you if your ex's gf's are a problem.
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  • lyndausvi said:

    jenna8984 said:

    My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.



    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is.

    I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.
    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.
    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 


    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  

    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.
    Okay, so one example=a lot? 

    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).


    I was just worried how she was going to handle anyone new in either of our lives given we were together the first 4 1/2 years of her life, moving , starting school the next week, had to be pulled out of her sports because of my work hours and the drive to my moms. She wouldn't get to see his parents who lived next door as much. After uncle passed she got violent and was hitting hard enough to leave bruises, throwing things, broke a window, total personality change. Just like everything turned to unpredictable and made things even worse.
    Well then get her a therapist and let them tell you if your ex's gf's are a problem.
    Yep.
  • lyndausvi said:

    jenna8984 said:

    My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.



    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is.

    I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.
    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.
    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 


    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  

    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.
    Okay, so one example=a lot? 

    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).


    ...I do this shit for a living. I know more about the agreements my Bossman attorney crafts than, I think, he himself does. In AL, I'd say that at least 90% of agreements and 50% of court-settled divorces I've done have some minimum amount of time a divorced parent has to date a new person before that new person can be introduced, and it's not uncommon for certain people to be listed specifically to be kept away from the children. 

    Is it enforced? Generally not. However, it is totally enforceable. You can be taken to court on contempt charges, and the punishment is something like 5 days in jail stayed based on the offending party's compliance or lack thereof with whatever "purge" conditions the court sees fit to assign.

    But... generally, if you can get the two parties in a divorce to agree on something, it's permissible in court.
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  • To comment on the OP:

    I really, truly think this is 100% between your daughter and your FI. I don't think you need to tell her it's alright to do that. She's six, and she doesn't have a "Dad" like maybe her friends do, that's always in her house to play with and care for her, but she has your FI who does all those things. I don't think she needs permission from her biodad, and I definitely do not think you need to be the one to bring it up to him. 
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  • hellosweetie1015 said: ashley8918 said: lyndausvi said: ashley8918 said: Knottie84221682 said: jenna8984 said: ashley8918 said: Knottie84221682 said: My 6 year old asked me yesterday if she can call my fiance dad. Her biological father is still in her life but only on an every other weekend basis. No contact between and she has already stopped asking to call him before bed because in a year he has answered the phone one time and doesn't return calls. For awhile I still had her call but it upset her to tears when he didnt pick up... cue a pissed off momma. Anyways, would it be more confusing for her to call him dad at her age though? I've told her that doesn't mean that J*** isn't her dad anymore and fiance will be her step dad. After we told her we were getting married the first thing she asked is when she would get a baby brother or sister. He's okay with being called dad, her father I haven't gotten to talk to. So who's had to deal with this already?

    Why shouldn't she call him dad? I honestly don't get the issue here.

    Some people are psycho lunatics. When my brother divorced and started dating his now-wife, his 2 year old called her mommy. Ex-wife found out and LOST her fucking shit saying that he was not allowed to call her mommy, and she's the only mom, and she doesn't want the kid to get confused as to who his "real" mom is. I think that's pretty ridiculous, and that the kid should be able to call the parent whatever the heck they want. It's really up to you and your family- her dad doesn't sound very in the picture so I wouldn't really care about his opinion on the matter at all.


    Yeah I worry bout her bio going psycho about it and causing a shitload of trouble. At one point he told her not to tell mommy about his new friend whom she met the day after we split because I would get very mad. We were driving home and said that's where the girl lived by accident then started bawling because she wasn't supposed to tell and kept asking if I was mad. I didn't react other than to say I wasn't mad and it was okay for daddy to have new friends. Later I brought it up to him that if she was going to meet new girlfriends make sure they were gonna stay in the picture first... a week later they stopped seeing each other and my daughter still asks what happened to the girl and if she die. Her uncle passed away 6 months before that so she went through a stage of not seeing people for a few days she thought it was because they were dead. I was told to mind my own f***king business and that he could do whatever he wanted.

    I actually have to agree with him. The bolded is not your business, and it is not your place. I understand why you would WANT this, but you don't get to make these kind of demands.

    actually a lot of agreements say just that. 

    I have a friend who's wife divorced him. They have a son.  She started seeing someone else (and got married) and starting telling the son to start calling him 'daddy'.  She told the kid flat out that the new guy was his new daddy.  Then then she was not following custody orders.  Then she was demanding my friend to give up his rights so the new daddy can adopt.  She actually used not having to pay child support as a reason why he should do that.   It was a pretty fucked up situation.  
    Of course, the OP's situation is different.  The daughter WANTS to call him dad.  But there are some pretty fucked up parents out there who will anything to alienate their ex's from their children.    Things like having the child call someone else mommy/daddy is one of those ways.

    Okay, so one example=a lot? 
    That is a super fucked up situation, but that was one situation. In general, one parent doesn't get to dictate who the other parent sees, and when they introduce them to the child (barring things like sex crime convictions, etc).




    ...I do this shit for a living. I know more about the agreements my Bossman attorney crafts than, I think, he himself does. In AL, I'd say that at least 90% of agreements and 50% of court-settled divorces I've done have some minimum amount of time a divorced parent has to date a new person before that new person can be introduced, and it's not uncommon for certain people to be listed specifically to be kept away from the children. 
    Is it enforced? Generally not. However, it is totally enforceable. You can be taken to court on contempt charges, and the punishment is something like 5 days in jail stayed based on the offending party's compliance or lack thereof with whatever "purge" conditions the court sees fit to assign.
    But... generally, if you can get the two parties in a divorce to agree on something, it's permissible in court.

    JESUS CHRIST, OKAY.
    In IL, this is not common.
  • When I met H, his daughters were pre-teens. We dated for 4 years before we got engaged, but as soon as we got engaged, his one daughter started calling me mom. Not to my face, but when referencing me in a conversation. I think if her mom ever found out, she'd flip her shit. SD is smart enough (and obviously old enough) to keep her relationship with her dad and I separate from the one with her mom.

    The other daughter will probably never call me mom. And that's totally okay with me. I'm not their mom, I will never be their mom, and I never try to act like I'm their mom. I didn't raise them, so that even makes me less of a mom figure. My H has stayed out of it. He lets them decide how they want to incorporate me into their lives. Obviously, with a six year old, it's a bit different. You have to be a little more involved. Bottom line, though, is that it's up to your daughter how she wants that relationship to progress. Maybe when she gets older, she'll back away from calling your FI dad. But, for now, if everyone is okay with it, then just roll with it :)

     







  • However if you want to successfully coparent with your ex, I would tell him and talk to him before telling her it's ok.  Explain that she asked and you told her that he is still her dad but since the male figure she is around most is your fiance, she wants to call him dad too.  If it's majorly an issue, maybe you can come up with an agreement like she will call him "papa" or some other form of the word dad to just keep the peace between the adults.


    People get weird and territorial about names like that and you said she still spends every other weekend with him so it's not like there is no father in the picture, he's just shitty unless she's physically with him.  I'd just give him a heads up so there isn't a huge fight one day when she refers to your fiance as "dad" in front of him and he flips a shit.
    I was going to say essentially this exact thing - glad I scrolled through first! Every-other-weekend custody agreements are super common, and doesn't make him an absentee father (although the phone call thing is fucked up). Co-parenting as positively as possible is always in the best interest of the child, and as @lacqueredlover mentioned, labels like that are very sensitive territory.
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  • If this is what your daughter wants I think it can be a good thing. When I was 4 my mom and my dad got married. I saw my bio dad very rarely so to me it made sense that the guy who married my mom, tucked me in at night, and put bandaids on when I fell was dad. He earned that title.

    The only place I think you need to be involved in what she chooses to call your FI is explaining to her that it is her decision and it is totally ok. No one ever explained to me I could have both of them in my life and call my step dad dad. Everytime I would see my bio dad or his family and would mention SD I would call him dad, feel guilty and use his name, feel bad about that and go back to dad. I usually ended up a big soggy puddle of tears because I couldn't figure out what I was allowed to call him.
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  • My daughter does this with my FI.  She has a great relationship with her biological father.  She spends every other week with him and the weeks that she is with me they text almost daily, even if it is just to say good night.  My daughter also has a good relationship with my FI.  We have been dating for over 4 years, so he has been in her life pretty much as long as she can remember (she is 7 now).  About 2 years ago, she started calling him "Daddy FI's first name."  She didn't ask if she could or anything, it's something she just started calling him on her own, because she recognized he was also a parent to her.  She sees FI as someone else to love and care for her, but not someone to take her father's place.  One thing we do is on Father's Day, we don't get FI anything.  That is daughter's day to celebrate her special relationship with her dad.  
  • If she calls your FI dad...she can still call her bio-dad dad too. There's no rule that says she can only call one of them dad.

    Well unless you live in NJ apparently....
  • However if you want to successfully coparent with your ex, I would tell him and talk to him before telling her it's ok.  Explain that she asked and you told her that he is still her dad but since the male figure she is around most is your fiance, she wants to call him dad too.  If it's majorly an issue, maybe you can come up with an agreement like she will call him "papa" or some other form of the word dad to just keep the peace between the adults.


    People get weird and territorial about names like that and you said she still spends every other weekend with him so it's not like there is no father in the picture, he's just shitty unless she's physically with him.  I'd just give him a heads up so there isn't a huge fight one day when she refers to your fiance as "dad" in front of him and he flips a shit.
    I was going to say essentially this exact thing - glad I scrolled through first! Every-other-weekend custody agreements are super common, and doesn't make him an absentee father (although the phone call thing is fucked up). Co-parenting as positively as possible is always in the best interest of the child, and as @lacqueredlover mentioned, labels like that are very sensitive territory.



    Lol. I did the same thing.

    I agree with both ofthe above. I know of moms who would flip their shit if their kid called the stepmom "mom." I also know of dads who would as well.

    A friend of ours actually vented to us about this one afternoon. His daughter started calling the stepdad "dad" and he was really hurt by it. He's a great dad and does his best to be involved as much as possible but the military moves him. So he can't do 50/50 custody at this time.

    I didn't say anything to him, but personally, I think it's ok she call stepdad "dad" because even though our friend is doing his best, stepdad is the one who's actually there filling that role day in and day out; and that's a decision the kid should get to make.

    But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

  • afox007 said:

    But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.

  • But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 

  • But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, turns out, I know how kids work. I have two of them. Been doing the parenting thing my entire life. But thanks for being incredibly patronizing.
  • If the adults can't handle it...it's up to the other adults to tell then to get the fuck over it.

    And I'm being a broken record here but she can call both dudes dad. I mean wtf do you think same sex parents do? One gets called mom/dad the other gets a *super special nickname*?

    Yeah it's not exactly the same it's not a blended family but it can be done.
  • But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, turns out, I know how kids work. I have two of them. Been doing the parenting thing my entire life. But thanks for being incredibly patronizing.

    I apologize if that's how you took it. I wasn't trying to be patronizing. You said suggesting something different from what the child wanted in my situation would have crushed you and made you feel rejected. I tried explaining how it doesn't have to be that way and it wasn't. Then added my views on parenting and children, which may or may not mirror your own. I wasn't trying to imply you had no children or knew nothing about them.
  • MagicInk said:

    MagicInk said:

    If the adults can't handle it...it's up to the other adults to tell then to get the fuck over it.

    And I'm being a broken record here but she can call both dudes dad. I mean wtf do you think same sex parents do? One gets called mom/dad the other gets a *super special nickname*?

    Yeah it's not exactly the same it's not a blended family but it can be done.



    If it were that easy, family courts wouldn't be so back logged. You should see the stupid shit parents who can't get along do to each other and their children. It's really sad. Same mom I was talking about tried to get my ex to give up his parental rights when she got remarried because now her kid had a new dad and he wasn't needed anymore. I wish I was making that shit up. 

    And, yeah, same sex parents are very different from blended families IMO. Same sex parents to me are the same thing as any other parents who choose to be with each other and have a child together; step-parents, on the other hand, are people the exes get to choose to bring into the equation that the other person gets no say in. It can get really nasty really fast.

    Really? Divorce can be nasty? I had no clue. My wife who handles custody arrangements will be shocked to learn this. Shocked I tell you.

    I am not saying what does happen. I am saying what SHOULD happen. What SHOULD happen is adults SHOULD grow the fuck up. They should not blame the fucking children for forming relationships with other adults in their lives. They should not insist a kid not be allowed to call and adult by a goddamn name. If they can't handle it, they need to take a long hard look at themselves cause that's some internal conflict with your own parenting skills.

    So if guy 1 and guy 2 are both called dad....what the fuck is really the problem? Is guy 1 no longer a real dad? Can there only be ONE real dad?

    The answer to that is no of course not. And a grown up would be able to see that.
    You're absolutely right. Grown ups should be able to see that.
  • MagicInk said:

    MagicInk said:

    What SHOULD happen is adults SHOULD grow the fuck up. They should not blame the fucking children for forming relationships with other adults in their lives. They should not insist a kid not be allowed to call and adult by a goddamn name. If they can't handle it, they need to take a long hard look at themselves cause that's some internal conflict with your own parenting skills. 


    Can somebody please send this to my FI's ex-wife?

    image
  • But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, turns out, I know how kids work. I have two of them. Been doing the parenting thing my entire life. But thanks for being incredibly patronizing.
    I apologize if that's how you took it. I wasn't trying to be patronizing. You said suggesting something different from what the child wanted in my situation would have crushed you and made you feel rejected. I tried explaining how it doesn't have to be that way and it wasn't. Then added my views on parenting and children, which may or may not mirror your own. I wasn't trying to imply you had no children or knew nothing about them.




    -----------------------------------------------------------
    No. I said telling a child that she couldn't call you mom could very easy feel like a rejection. But, what do I know? I couldn't possibly understand how to deal with kids.
  • But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, turns out, I know how kids work. I have two of them. Been doing the parenting thing my entire life. But thanks for being incredibly patronizing.
    I apologize if that's how you took it. I wasn't trying to be patronizing. You said suggesting something different from what the child wanted in my situation would have crushed you and made you feel rejected. I tried explaining how it doesn't have to be that way and it wasn't. Then added my views on parenting and children, which may or may not mirror your own. I wasn't trying to imply you had no children or knew nothing about them.



    -----------------------------------------------------------
    No. I said telling a child that she couldn't call you mom could very easy feel like a rejection. But, what do I know? I couldn't possibly understand how to deal with kids.


    There's books you can buy. ;)
  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2015

    But titles really can be a sensitive topic for some people. So in an effort to maintain a positive coparenting relationship, I would definitely talk to the dad about it, and personally, if he was hurt by it, I would compromise with suggesting a nickname like someone else mentioned (papa, daddy fiance, etc). 

    I think this really should be up to the kid. Will bio dad be thrilled that his daughter wants to call someone else dad? Probably not, but if that is what she wants and is comfortable with he needs to get the fuck over it. This isn't about positive coparenting and what pleases the parents. It's about who this little girl feels has earned that title.

    It would be different if the mom or FI was pushing it, but in this case everyone should be happy this kid has so many people who love her in her life.



    I agree. But I think we have to also be realistic, adults don't always act like adults, and some blended families are nothing but drama. If the other parent throws a fit and can't just get over the kid calling the step-parent dad or mom, isn't that worse on the kid? Wouldn't it be easier in that situation to encourage the kid to come up with a special name for the step-parent? In my previous marriage, the mom would have gone ape shit if her daughter had called me mom. So, the day my step-daughter decided to call me mom for the first time, I responded with something like, "Thank you so much honey! How about instead of mom though you come up with a realy cool and special nickname for me?"

    Did I care if she called me mom? Nope. I thought it was sweet. My ex didn't care either. But her mom would have cared, and she would have made a scene about it, and the poor kid woud have eventually felt the stress and fighting over it. I didn't want to put my step-daughter, who didn't know any better, in that position.





    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    If I was that little girl, I would have been CRUSHED. This would feel like such a rejection.




    Not at all. We had a great time coming up with nicknames. She really enjoyed it. I even came up with a great nickname for her. It made our relationship different and special in its own right.

    With kids it's all about how you frame things and the tone you use (obviously not for every situation, but for many). I have people always ask me how it is my daughter is so ok with my divorce. She goes back and forth between her dad and I seemlessly, and has been doing it since she was 2 (we live in different states). I attribute it to the fact that we've worked together to frame our divorce in as positive of a light as we can.

    Luckily, she's too young to ever remember us together, but we continually remind her of how lucky she is to have 4 parents (he's remarried, I'm engaged), and 8 grandparents, and all these extra people who love her. We tell her how lucky she is to have 2 bedrooms, and to get to spend her summers in a different state. Divorce and sharing a kid sucks, but we've done what we can to make it the most positive, and easiest experience for her, because it wasn't her choice it was ours.

    Had I not encouraged my step-daughter to come up with a nickname for me, she would have had to deal with her mom on her own. That's not fair. I did what I had to do to protect her from being put in a position where her mom would possibly make her feel bad or guilty fo calling me mom, and I turned it into an opportunity to create something special between just the two of us. Not every hard conversation with a child has to be a doom and gloom, soul crushing experience. 



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, turns out, I know how kids work. I have two of them. Been doing the parenting thing my entire life. But thanks for being incredibly patronizing.
    I apologize if that's how you took it. I wasn't trying to be patronizing. You said suggesting something different from what the child wanted in my situation would have crushed you and made you feel rejected. I tried explaining how it doesn't have to be that way and it wasn't. Then added my views on parenting and children, which may or may not mirror your own. I wasn't trying to imply you had no children or knew nothing about them.



    -----------------------------------------------------------
    No. I said telling a child that she couldn't call you mom could very easy feel like a rejection. But, what do I know? I couldn't possibly understand how to deal with kids.
    There's books you can buy. ;)





    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    image
  • My best childhood friend called her stepdad Dad. She called her bio-dad Dad. The world continued to spin.
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • The Kid has one mom and two step-moms. When he was 7, "Mom" pushed him hard to call her girlfriend "Mama," the name her kids called her. He refused and the girlfriend beat the shit out of him for it.

    That's a big part of how DH got majority custody. The Kid calls him by his first name (though there's a funny story behind it). He calls me the same- but while the two women are still in his life, I'm the only woman in his life who actually parents him.

    I share not because to make an anti-gay or anti-woman point but instead to make the example of how fucked up parents can be. If parents were always rational, divorce and custody laws wouldn't be necessary.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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