Wedding Party

What if someone invited themselves into the bridal party???

I have a weird situation.

Everyone says it's "bad" to "fire" a bridesmaid after asking them. But what if you never asked them? My best friend asked when I was going dress shopping... and when she went with me and my mom, she announced she was the MOH. Ummmm....

I had no intention of asking her. The reason? She complains 24/7 about how much things are (she did this as a BM in another wedding). I should have said something immediately.

She told me she doesn't want to spend more than $150 on a dress... I offered to pay the difference. She refused to accept. I consulted her about hair and makeup so I could make a deposit (there was a minimum and wanted to make sure I could meet it)... she said it was too much. I told her she could do her own thing in our hometown and meet me when it was time to get dressed. She insists on spending the night with me (the venue/place I'm staying is an hour from our hometown). I offered to pay for her hair and makeup... she told me "that's crazy, you give BM's bracelets or something cheap."

At this point, she has not put any money in- no dress ordered, no hair and makeup deposit issues, etc. I have two friends who I legitimately want to ask, and I don't want the self proclaimed MOH to bring everyone down... she's already bringing me down. She looked at the price tags of the dresses I tried on. I told her, just tell me how it looks NOT based on price.

I know I should have said something right away... but now I have to deal with this.

Re: What if someone invited themselves into the bridal party???

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2015

    It sounds like you're stuck with her because you didn't nip this in the bud immediately.

    But you can tell her, "I need you to get X, Y, and Z by the wedding date.  Those decisions are fixed.  If you don't, I will assume that you are stepping down.  The subject is closed."  Don't ask her for her opinions, because she definitely wants to give them.  And if she brings up any more complaints after you tell her this, bean dip or tell her, "See you later" and walk away from her.

  • I think that is part of the problem as well, not being able to ask advice. I feel judged for what I am spending or spending it on.

    I feel like what is the point of any BM/MOH if you cannot ask "what do you think about this?" and get a response not based on money. They are not paying for my wedding, my fiancé and I are.

    Thanks for your advice!

  • I have a weird situation.

    Everyone says it's "bad" to "fire" a bridesmaid after asking them. But what if you never asked them? My best friend asked when I was going dress shopping... and when she went with me and my mom, she announced she was the MOH. Ummmm....

    I had no intention of asking her. The reason? She complains 24/7 about how much things are (she did this as a BM in another wedding). I should have said something immediately.

    She told me she doesn't want to spend more than $150 on a dress... I offered to pay the difference. She refused to accept. I consulted her about hair and makeup so I could make a deposit (there was a minimum and wanted to make sure I could meet it)... she said it was too much. I told her she could do her own thing in our hometown and meet me when it was time to get dressed. She insists on spending the night with me (the venue/place I'm staying is an hour from our hometown). I offered to pay for her hair and makeup... she told me "that's crazy, you give BM's bracelets or something cheap."

    At this point, she has not put any money in- no dress ordered, no hair and makeup deposit issues, etc. I have two friends who I legitimately want to ask, and I don't want the self proclaimed MOH to bring everyone down... she's already bringing me down. She looked at the price tags of the dresses I tried on. I told her, just tell me how it looks NOT based on price.

    I know I should have said something right away... but now I have to deal with this.



    When she brought up dress budget, you talked about making accommodations for her budget instead of saying "Actually, you shouldn't have to worry about that, because I've asked ____, ___, ___ to be my bridal party. We'll love to see you as a guest!" ?

    You actively confirmed her as part of the WP. There might be some wiggle room when people haven't said anything at all to confirm or deny, but you have. Gotta suck it up and deal. But yes, it's fine to tell her that if she doesn't have the dress, she'll have taken herself (not you taking her) out of the WP.

  • So if you never asked her and you never agreed to her announcement, then let her know. The only reason it's an awkward convo is because she made it awkward by nominating herself. So you're perfectly in the right and she should be the only one feeling like an ass. 

    But about the BM dress(es).... the way this is done is to ask the BMs (and MOH) privately for their dress budget. Then you pick the lowest budget and shop under it to account for shipping/alterations. These ARE your friends, right? So you're not trying to put them in a dress they can't afford because "omg my wedding vision", right? So a BM/MOH is perfectly within her right to refuse a dress that's out of her budget.
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  • I think that is part of the problem as well, not being able to ask advice. I feel judged for what I am spending or spending it on.

    I feel like what is the point of any BM/MOH if you cannot ask "what do you think about this?" and get a response not based on money. They are not paying for my wedding, my fiancé and I are.

    Thanks for your advice!

    The point of a BM/MOH is to honor your friendship with them by having them stand next to you at your wedding, not get "idea-bouncers" for your wedding plans. I agree that if you are discussing what's going on with the wedding, it's not their place to judge how you spend your money, although I think there is a place to express "Is that really worth it?" However, you cannot be offended if a BM/MOH has no interest at all in your wedding plans.




  • The point of a BM/MOH is to honor your friendship with them by having them stand next to you at your wedding, not get "idea-bouncers" for your wedding plans. I agree that if you are discussing what's going on with the wedding, it's not their place to judge how you spend your money, although I think there is a place to express "Is that really worth it?" However, you cannot be offended if a BM/MOH has no interest at all in your wedding plans.




    She is VERY interested in what I'm doing. She asks me very specific questions... and she was horrified we don't have a specific song selected for the first dance, that we have it narrowed down to a few.

    I'm okay with "is it really worth it?" I think that's a question that needs to be asked sometimes.

  • I think you need to learn to say "no." Its not a bad word. But since you didn't say anything the first few times I think you are stuck with her as your MOH.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I think you missed your opportunity to shut her down, and now you're stuck with her. I'll give you a pass on not knowing what to say when she first nominated herself, but by the time she gave you a dress budget and started talking about hair and makeup, you should have had time to compose yourself and respond with "Oh, Sara, Jane and Sue will be my BMs."  By having conversations with her about dress and hair, you've confirmed her nomination. Now you're stuck with her. 

    Going forward, don't talk to her about wedding planning, and bean dip her when she asks. What is your first dance song? I'll let you know when we decide; try this bean dip. How much did your dress cost? It was right in budget; you really have to try this bean dip. I want to stay with you the night before the wedding. I really need to get the recipe for this bean dip...

    Your other friends have nothing to do with her. If you want them to be BMs, ask them. They don't need to talk to her. 
  • I used to be GREAT at saying no!!!

    Unfortunately, I was going through some bad times both at work and with family (my dad was in the hospital and very ill)... and I think I was just avoiding confrontation wherever I could. :0/

    Now it sucks that I was being that way.

  • I think you missed your opportunity to shut her down, and now you're stuck with her. I'll give you a pass on not knowing what to say when she first nominated herself, but by the time she gave you a dress budget and started talking about hair and makeup, you should have had time to compose yourself and respond with "Oh, Sara, Jane and Sue will be my BMs."  By having conversations with her about dress and hair, you've confirmed her nomination. Now you're stuck with her. 


    Going forward, don't talk to her about wedding planning, and bean dip her when she asks. What is your first dance song? I'll let you know when we decide; try this bean dip. How much did your dress cost? It was right in budget; you really have to try this bean dip. I want to stay with you the night before the wedding. I really need to get the recipe for this bean dip...

    Your other friends have nothing to do with her. If you want them to be BMs, ask them. They don't need to talk to her. 



    Unfortunately I had not selected anyone and was still talking to my fiancé about our selections (i.e. his sisters, do we want the same number both sides)... or else I totally would have said oh the others have it. Oh well.

    My fiancé thought she would totally bite on the out... he was shocked she didn't. The one BM is concerned that if she stays, she's will be a pain about chipping in for the bachelorette party (we live in a resort town area and we have a free room, it's just food and booze really)

  • I think you missed your opportunity to shut her down, and now you're stuck with her. I'll give you a pass on not knowing what to say when she first nominated herself, but by the time she gave you a dress budget and started talking about hair and makeup, you should have had time to compose yourself and respond with "Oh, Sara, Jane and Sue will be my BMs."  By having conversations with her about dress and hair, you've confirmed her nomination. Now you're stuck with her. 


    Going forward, don't talk to her about wedding planning, and bean dip her when she asks. What is your first dance song? I'll let you know when we decide; try this bean dip. How much did your dress cost? It was right in budget; you really have to try this bean dip. I want to stay with you the night before the wedding. I really need to get the recipe for this bean dip...

    Your other friends have nothing to do with her. If you want them to be BMs, ask them. They don't need to talk to her. 



    Unfortunately I had not selected anyone and was still talking to my fiancé about our selections (i.e. his sisters, do we want the same number both sides)... or else I totally would have said oh the others have it. Oh well.

    My fiancé thought she would totally bite on the out... he was shocked she didn't. The one BM is concerned that if she stays, she's will be a pain about chipping in for the bachelorette party (we live in a resort town area and we have a free room, it's just food and booze really)

    You don't have to group purchase food and booze. She can buy her own, or she doesn't get any.
  • I think you missed your opportunity to shut her down, and now you're stuck with her. I'll give you a pass on not knowing what to say when she first nominated herself, but by the time she gave you a dress budget and started talking about hair and makeup, you should have had time to compose yourself and respond with "Oh, Sara, Jane and Sue will be my BMs."  By having conversations with her about dress and hair, you've confirmed her nomination. Now you're stuck with her. 


    Going forward, don't talk to her about wedding planning, and bean dip her when she asks. What is your first dance song? I'll let you know when we decide; try this bean dip. How much did your dress cost? It was right in budget; you really have to try this bean dip. I want to stay with you the night before the wedding. I really need to get the recipe for this bean dip...

    Your other friends have nothing to do with her. If you want them to be BMs, ask them. They don't need to talk to her. 



    Unfortunately I had not selected anyone and was still talking to my fiancé about our selections (i.e. his sisters, do we want the same number both sides)... or else I totally would have said oh the others have it. Oh well.

    My fiancé thought she would totally bite on the out... he was shocked she didn't. The one BM is concerned that if she stays, she's will be a pain about chipping in for the bachelorette party (we live in a resort town area and we have a free room, it's just food and booze really)

    Then you could have said that you hadn't decided on a WP yet. The point is that you didn't shut her down when you had the chance, but continued operating under the assumption that she would be your MOH.  

    On even sides, if you are excluding someone to keep numbers even, that's on you. It doesn't matter if this girl is in or out. You've decided that even numbers are more important than a particular friend, and that's just crappy. 

    She doesn't have to participate in the b-party if she doesn't want to, and she doesn't have to communally contribute to anything. Have everyone pay for their own food/bev instead of community meals. 
  • Honestly?  You're out of luck.  You didn't just passively let her become part of your WP, you actively did by offering to help pay for her dress and consulting her about hair and makeup.  What was she supposed to think?  If you didn't want her in the BP, you should have spoken up the very first time she said something, but that's water under the bridge now. 

    Let her know she has until X date to get her dress.  Then let it go.  If she asks you for details, just change the subject.  It's hard to be opinionated when you know nothing about the wedding. 

    Also, sides do not have to be even, and your BP doesn't have any "duties" other than showing up on time, sober, and in the correct dress for the wedding. 


    image
  • flantastic,

    the one bachelorette party I went to, we paid x-dollars per person to cover the bride's expenses (cover charge, drinks) then paid our own way for everything else... I think what the BM planning the party is afraid of is that self-proclaimed MOH will be resistant to contributing for both me and then paying for herself.

    I just made the planner swear to no strippers!!! I've been to a few parties with them, and it's just not for me... though the brides I know that requested them had a blast :0)

  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015

    flantastic,

    the one bachelorette party I went to, we paid x-dollars per person to cover the bride's expenses (cover charge, drinks) then paid our own way for everything else... I think what the BM planning the party is afraid of is that self-proclaimed MOH will be resistant to contributing for both me and then paying for herself.

    I just made the planner swear to no strippers!!! I've been to a few parties with them, and it's just not for me... though the brides I know that requested them had a blast :0)



    No one is obligated to pay for you. That's ridiculous. If people offer to pay for you, then fine, but it shouldn't be expected.

    Also, whoever plans any pre-wedding parties should take everyone's budgets into account. The easiest way to do this in this case is to just have everyone book their own things and not contribute to anything communal.

    Also, you shouldn't be getting involved with bachelorette details- I'm assuming this BM offered to throw you one, so let them handle it.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • flantastic,

    the one bachelorette party I went to, we paid x-dollars per person to cover the bride's expenses (cover charge, drinks) then paid our own way for everything else... I think what the BM planning the party is afraid of is that self-proclaimed MOH will be resistant to contributing for both me and then paying for herself.

    I just made the planner swear to no strippers!!! I've been to a few parties with them, and it's just not for me... though the brides I know that requested them had a blast :0)



    No one is obligated to pay for you. That's ridiculous. If people offer to pay for you, then fine, but it shouldn't be expected.

    Also, whoever plans any pre-wedding parties should take everyone's budgets into account. The easiest way to do this in this case is to just have everyone book their own things and not contribute to anything communal.

    Also, you shouldn't be getting involved with bachelorette details- I'm assuming this BM offered to throw you one, so let them handle it.

    Yeah, I was afraid this was the case. The BMs covering the cost of the bride's expenses is a nice gesture that some WPs choose to do, but in no way is it obligatory. If she can't or doesn't want to contribute, she doesn't have to. And since one typically should not plan parties in one's own honor without looking like you're seeking attention, back out of the planning process. This is an issue between your BMs and you should not get involved.
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