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margo91215

aliwis000

You have accepted a party in your honor hosted by someone else. You are not hosting or planning this event. So unless she is going to serve shrimp and you are deathly allergic to shellfish you really have to let this go.

You do not get to control any of it really. She should know the number of people she can afford to host and will invite those she wants. She should check with you to make sure those people are invited to the wedding as all people invited to pre-wedding events must be invited to the actual wedding. Beyond that she might extend a few extra invites to you for your Mom or bridesmaids.

However, from your post it sounds like you are trying to force your ideas on her and I am sorry that does not seem right to me. She is hosting a party, you accepted that party. What you get is what you get. If you are that upset about the direction you can gracefully decline the shower all together.

As far as what happens on your side of the family that is only applicable if someone offers to host you a shower. You should not be hosting your own showers as they are gift giving events and it is considered rude to host a party in your own honor. If someone does want to host a shower for you the same rules apply, they may or may not want to do a small co-ed brunch type thing and you will have to decide if you want to accept or not.

HTH! Good luck!

6fsn

Pretty much agree with pp.  She is the host of the party.  It may not be what YOU would do but it doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong.  Just because I'm curious, what time is the shower?  Maybe that's a reason she doesn't want to do brunch. 

Jen4948

As the host, it's really up to your FMIL to decide what the menu and agenda are, even if it really isn't what you would like.

But if she keeps ignoring your wishes, you can tell her, "Thanks, but since we aren't on the same page as to what we have in mind, I've decided not to have a shower."  Be careful, though, in deciding if this is something you want to do.  If, aside from this shower, she's ok as an FMIL, you might not want to do this, but if this is what she's like in other areas, I'd turn down the shower, since it sounds like her real purpose in throwing it is to entertain her own guests.

MesmrEwe

Relax, realize it's one detail you've handed off because brides don't host their own showers - Roll with it!  I know what the PP have said may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth...  There are FAR bigger things and details to attend to in marriage planning.  Who knows, you may find yourself enjoying the shower once it arrives!

As for food - accept the beef sandwiches, and ask for some bagels and yogurt..  You'll get farther having more options...  Brunch means there are breakfast AND lunch options, if she wants beef and you want bagels, why can't there be a marriage of all the above...

flantastic

margo91215 said:

I could really use some advice on some bridal shower drama I'm experiencing with my future in-laws. My future MIL and future sister-in-law had let me know that they wanted to plan a shower for me. I agreed - even though I had expressed that I never really wanted a big shower, and would only want very close friends to be there. Since they've started planning, it has turned into one thing after the other being the exact opposite of what I've wanted...

I had asked if we could have couples there (co-ed), so that the full wedding party (not just the girls) could meet one another. It would also help to make the occasion much more relaxed and casual - more my style. I was turned down to that, because my MIL already has a list of women she wants to invite (because she had to attend all of their daughters' showers in years past) and my having guys there would put a damper on what she has in her head. Let's just say that was just one of the many things I've conceded on in terms of what I want.

Now we're down to the food choices; I had hopes for a brunch shower - simple bagel bar, mimosa, yogurt - things of that sort. My MIL is only suggesting food options for me that she knows I don't want, like the exact opposite of a brunch. She has never once asked my opinion on the food, yet she's upset when she finds out I turned down Italian beef sandwiches (no where close to brunch food). She sent an email to my sisters, and has asked my fiance what I want. They'll ALL said brunch, and every single time the food is thrown out there, she's gone against my wishes. I feel silly getting so upset over the food, but this just feels like one more battle with the shower that I'm going to lose on and just agree to because I hate confrontation, and I feel like it will end up being nothing even remotely close to what I want.

Am I being ridiculous for wanting to hold on strong to the food portion? How do you suggest I handle the situation? Do I just do my own thing with my side of the family, and keep this separate then? Thank you in advance for letting me vent

I had this exact same situation. The shower being planned by my MIL and their next-door neighbor lady was entirely for MIL and about MIL and what she thought was best and what she wanted and how she wanted to show off to her friends, people I had not met. None of that was comfortable or fun for me. I told her what my preferences were, and what would make me comfortable, and it was totally ignored.

Your options are to decline the shower or put up with it. I put up with it, knowing it was a favor to her. She's hosting, so she gets to plan it and invite people, as long as those people are also invited to the wedding. While I do not understand why someone would plan a party in someone else's "honor" and yet not give a shit about what they would enjoy, they have the right to plan it however they want unless the honoree declines.

pegasuskat

In MHO you are the one being rude in this situation.  If someone offers to throw you a party and you accept, then they plan the party.  If they want to they can ask for suggestions, but you shouldn't be demanding - and it sounds like you are being very controlling, and then upset when you aren't getting your way.

You can have more than one shower, if your family or friends wants a co-ed brunch shower then one of them should plan and host it.  This is going to be your MIL and SIL forever (hopefully), and I think you are starting off appearing as a diva.

tawillers

I agree with everyone.  You did say yes to having this party, so you really just have to sit back and let them plan it.  It would have been nice if they had agreed to your small party idea (that somehow grew to double the guest list when you wanted it to be co-ed?), but they don't have to.

If you want the entire bridal party to meet prior to the wedding, you and your FI should plan something.  Your MIL's shower for you is not the venue for that.

It doesn't sound like your MIL is being ridiculous or intentionally making you angry.  It sounds like she's just throwing you a party and you should be appreciative.

*Barbie*

I was right there with you ~5 years ago for my baby shower, and these ladies (well some of them) told me the exact same thing. Your MIL is throwing you the party and you accepted. Just let her do what she wants at this point, and don't try to force your wants on her. Would it be wonderful for her to take your likes/wishes/etc. into account? Absolutely. Since she isn't, and she's not doing anything blatantly rude (cash bar, no food for guests, b-list), unless you're willing to turn down the party at this point and risk starting a fight, just say thanks and move on. My MIL threw me a "tooth fairy" themed baby shower, complete with doll cake, and most of the guests were WTF about it, but it was a nice event and she put a lot of time and money into it, so yeah, not worth the fight. 

i'm also in agreement with @tawillers - you and your H can plan a gtg for he couples/bridal party prior to the wedding - if it's a question of everyone being in town, in the evening after the shower might be a good time. take your friends out for dinner/drinks or something. 

margo91215

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm genuinely not trying to be ungrateful. It's just frustrating to be asked what you want, and then feel like it's been disregarded. Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen.  

hmonkey

margo91215 said:

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm genuinely not trying to be ungrateful. It's just frustrating to be asked what you want, and then feel like it's been disregarded. Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen.  

just so we're clear -- 

from your original post, you have NOT been asked your opinion at all. you have made requests, and they have been declined. that is not the same thing as being asked your opinion and then having that opinion cast aside.

one gives you a leg to stand on; the other makes you an ungrateful snot.

margo91215

@hmonkey I apologize for not writing out in extreme detail the entire situation. I simply asked for feedback, which I got, and I am grateful for that. I don't think this is the proper venue to start throwing rude names at people. It's extremely disrespectful, and clearly not the intended place for those types of comments. People come to this site for advice, not to be named called.

hmonkey

can you kindly clarify -- 

were you asked your opinion on the shower, or did you simply make your wishes known?

margo91215

@hmonkey I was asked for my opinion about everything so far; location, guests, food, etc.

hmonkey

okay, so you indeed do have a leg to stand on.

however, if they -- the hosts, mind you -- decide to ignore your response to brunch food, you must decide if this is the hill you want to die on. 

as you may have guessed, this may set the tone for your relationship with your ILs in the future, and be the source of bitterness for years.