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Can you ask why a family member declines?

jennydazzle87jennydazzle87 member
First Comment First Anniversary
edited May 2015 in Wedding Invitations & Paper
I have a pretty small family, with only one first cousin—and I just got his rsvp. "Sorry I can't make it!" I sent a quick text to him and his mom (my aunt, who is coming)—"Just got your decline, bummer you can't make it!"—hoping for slightly more of an explanation. I received the same, "Sorry I can't be there!" response—the same vague wording I use when I take a less-than-truthful sick day from work. To make matters a little more interesting, my fiancé has 35 cousins—all whom were invited, and will attend. And all of my step-"first cousins" are attending. I feel pretty slighted...as he also received a save the date card more then 9 months ago and I heard nothing. I realize and understand he can't make it, but is it wrong to ask for even just a little more explanation? Can I state that it feels like a pretty dick move?
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Re: Can you ask why a family member declines?

  • RezIpsaRezIpsa member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    It is absolutely not ok to ask why your cousin declined.

    An invitation is not a subpoena. No one is obligated to come to anything they are invited to, nor are they required to proffer a reason for declining that someone else deems "acceptable".

    Guard against the attitude that you are entitled to anything because you are getting married. It leads to Bridezilla behavior.
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  • jennydazzle87jennydazzle87 member
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    Thanks for this. It was helpful to hear an outside opinion. I didn't feel entitled to a get reason because I'm getting married, but because it was a family member. I've received plenty of other declines, but think maybe this decline just hurt more since it's a close family member, which there aren't many of. Plus the other decliners had said they'd be out of town or won't be able to travel, which made sense to me. But I'll just suck this up and think of it as one less mouth to feed. ;)
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    No, you can't ask. It's a bummer when people you hope will accept decline, but the reason is their business alone.

    Your wedding won't be as important to anyone as it is to you and your FI, and your invitation is not a subpoena. All you can do is let it go.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Yea......no.

    Because the whole reason you're asking is to judge whether it's a "good enough" excuse. So what if it's not (in your mind)? Are you going to hold a grudge forever?

    If you had to decline for whatever reason (maybe super personal) wouldn't you feel put on the spot being questioned? Don't do that to someone else - family or not.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    No, you don't get to ask. If he wanted you to know, he would have told you.  It's none of your business. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    No.  Don't ask.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    jennydazzle87 said:

    I have a pretty small family, with only one first cousin—and I just got his rsvp. "Sorry I can't make it!" I sent a quick text to him and his mom (my aunt, who is coming)—"Just got your decline, bummer you can't make it!"—hoping for slightly more of an explanation. I received the same, "Sorry I can't be there!" response—the same vague wording I use when I take a less-than-truthful sick day from work. To make matters a little more interesting, my fiancé has 35 cousins—all whom were invited, and will attend. And all of my step-"first cousins" are attending. I feel pretty slighted...as he also received a save the date card more then 9 months ago and I heard nothing. I realize and understand he can't make it, but is it wrong to ask for even just a little more explanation? Can I state that it feels like a pretty dick move?

    STDs don't really require a response. All you're telling them is to, y'know, save the date. He's not obligated to attend the wedding just because you asked him to save the date and he's not required to provide a reason for his decline.
    image
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  • jennydazzle87jennydazzle87 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Thanks, everyone. You've all answered my question and I'm taking all the advice! I wish there was a way to delete the discussion now that I've gotten an answer.... Lying awake at 4 in the morning, I think I mostly needed a place to vent. And I appreciate the input!
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    jennydazzle87 said:

    Thanks, everyone. You've all answered my question and I'm taking all the advice! I wish there was a way to delete the discussion now that I've gotten an answer.... Lying awake at 4 in the morning, I think I mostly needed a place to vent. And I appreciate the input!

    There's no reason to delete the discussion. Other people lurking now or in the future might have the same question. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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