Chit Chat

Wedding advice, please!

edited May 2015 in Chit Chat
I won't DD because that's dumb, but a few of you have given me awesome advice that should have seemed obvious and wasn't. Moot point below, alone in AZ it is!

Hello Knotties,

I hope you're all having a wonderful day! I am hoping you could impart some of you delightful wisdom on a situation that has cropped up. If this thread would be better suited elsewhere, by all means please move it, I was not sure where to post. Sorry for the novel in advance!

So, here's the deal. FI and I got engaged in December, and began wedding planning shortly there after. Originally, we wanted to have a small Disney wedding, but when we discussed it with the parents it became apparent that there was some conflict of interest, so we scratched that. Then we thought of going off to AZ, just the two of us, get married and have a celebration (not reception!) in Maryland later. We planned to have our HM in Arizona, so it would be so easy! However, my mom implied she'd be upset to not see me get married, and being the "people pleaser" I am, I caved. 

I agreed to have a bigger wedding if it could be at a particular venue in the fall. Fall dates were gone, so we said "Ok spring", because again family was telling us next fall was too far away (why I cared, i don't know). Then that venue fell through and there began a "rush, rush, rush you need to find a venue". At this point I had no time to look at the next on the list (the Maryland Zoo), and my parents went, reported back, so we put a deposit on it for April 2016. I do love the zoo, and the money benefits it, so it seemed like a win, even if it was nothing I had originally wanted (small, fall, etc).

As the planning went on, it became apparent to me that it was getting entirely too stressful, and this was only going to continue. I won't go into the details as to why, but it has a lot to do with my feeling like I have to please everyone. On top of that FI and I are EXTREME introverts, we do not like the idea of being the complete center of attention and we would feel so awkward expressing vows in front of people, it's just how we roll. Also, spring has zero meaning to us, and fall has a lot of significant meaning. 

Fast forward to today, we had all the parents in one place, and we began the discussion. We had a list of pros and cons, and the fact that we would only lose $600 and that would go to the zoo (yayy!) if we canceled. The conversation went better than expected, all 3 options were presented, and the Disney idea was again poo-pooed. The Arizona idea went over well enough I thought. There was some discussion of the parents coming, but my mother refuses to fly and my dad isn't keen on the drive, which I get, its a loooong drive. I wouldn't want to drive that either. FI's parents seem to want to see Arizona.

So to get to the point, when FI and his parents were outside my mom told us to just do what we wanted, to which I replied "and you won't be disappointed if you don't see us get married". Her response, while taring up, "well if his parents get to see it and I don't I'm going to be pissed." What am I supposed to do with that?!?! My dad told her not to "do that to me", which I appreciated. I cannot control if his parents want to come to AZ and she won't fly. 

I guess what I am saying is, what would you do in this situation given that wrench? How do you proceed? How do you keep people happy? Do I go with the big awkward thing? Do we stick to our guns on AZ? I feel kind of trapped... I am being told to do whatever we want, but if XYZ happens, then DOOM!

**Edited because I cannot grammar today**

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Re: Wedding advice, please!

  • edited May 2015
    AddieCake said:

    You have to do what is best for you and your fiancé. If you don't want a large wedding, you should not feel pressured to have one. It's not your fiance's parents' fault if your parents won't go to AZ. personally, if I were you, I would privately elope, and not tell anyone when or where you are going.

    See that's seems simple enough, right? Maybe I just need to hear that more. Although, they're gonna know whats up if we go on vacation, because we never go. I also feel like "if she doesn't get to see" is code for, no matter what she's going to be mad if she doesn't get to see. I just feel like I can't get a good judgement on it myself. 
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  • falsarafalsara member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    You can always not tell them you're going on vacations either.  Honestly I would cut everyone out and just go with your FI somewhere.  Don't tell anyone, anything. 

                                               

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  • edited May 2015
    falsara said:

    You can always not tell them you're going on vacations either.  Honestly I would cut everyone out and just go with your FI somewhere.  Don't tell anyone, anything. 

    You know, this may seem really dumb, but I never actually thought of not telling anyone. Seems obvious, doesn't it? I think because my brain had been in panicked overdrive going "holy crap, how do I cancel this? How do I not hurt feelings? Blah Blah Blah".


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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2015
    So your idea now is just the two of you, oh but also his parents, but not your parents because, as you know, they don't fly? That seems mean and selfish to me. It just does. Why can't you have the six of you somewhere all the parents can get to? Like, say, a courthouse in Maryland?

    And this, oh I just can't read her stuff? Honestly? I can read her loud and clear. She wants to see you get married. She will be upset if she doesn't. It's fine to upset your mother if that's what you need to do, but you can't expect her to like it.

    If you're going to elope, stop talking about it and just go do it already. Stringing everyone along like this doesn't help anything.
  • If I were you, I would elope. You have to do what's right for you and your FI.
    Good luck!
  • Don't let your parents talk you into a big wedding that you don't want. It sounds like you really want to get married in AZ, so that's what you should do. Invite both sets of parents if you want them there. It's not fair of your mom to expect his parents to miss out because of her fear of flying. 
                       
  • falsarafalsara member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    falsara said:

    You can always not tell them you're going on vacations either.  Honestly I would cut everyone out and just go with your FI somewhere.  Don't tell anyone, anything. 

    You know, this may seem really dumb, but I never actually thought of not telling anyone. Seems obvious, doesn't it? I think because my brain had been in panicked overdrive going "holy crap, how do I cancel this? How do I not hurt feelings? Blah Blah Blah".


    Not dumb, especially since you've already said you're sort of a people-pleaser.  It can be a hard habit to break. 

    Go to, AZ, or wherever else you want to go.  Don't tell anyone, and then when you get back you can surprise everyone.  That way you two get the small wedding you want, without any grief about one set of parents seeing it and the other not.  By the time they know, it will be too late.  And then if you want you can have  celebration or you can turn all of that down, completely up to you and your FI. 

                                               

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  • I'm all excited for you about a possible REAL elopement! Do it!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • edited May 2015

    So your idea now is just the two of you, oh but also his parents, but not your parents because, as you know, they don't fly? That seems mean and selfish to me. It just does. Why can't you have the six of you somewhere all the parents can get to? Like, say, a courthouse in Maryland?

    And this, oh I just can't read her stuff? Honestly? I can read her loud and clear. She wants to see you get married. She will be upset if she doesn't. It's fine to upset your mother if that's what you need to do, but you can't expect her to like it.

    If you're going to elope, stop talking about it and just go do it already. Stringing everyone along like this doesn't help anything.


    To the bolded, no. I think maybe it didn't come across how I meant it to, and for that I apologize. If my parents wanted to come and his parents as well, I am ok with that. I however, do not think one should come and not the other, at all, believe me. I think they all want to come, but my mom just won't fly.It was just her statement really threw me, because she seemed liked "its cool if were not there" until everyone left the room.

    On the second front, we do not live in Maryland anymore, our friends and family do, so that is why the big thing would have been there. So going to courthouse there seems odd, but I do get what you are saying and I appreciate it.

    These were ideas that were thrown around today, and I guess I wasn't sure if it is easier to appease everyone and just us feel weird. Or go for the just us thing, and if they are a little displeased, then that's a thing they won't like but it won't be the end of the world.
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  • Why do you need to tell them you're going away on vacation?

    I envision you doing this elopement 'old school.' But a cute dress, write up a few announcements, have them delivered to your parents and his the day after the ceremony - maybe by a local florist with small bouquets. Enjoy your honeymoon. I suspect your mom will be disappointed, but will get over it quickly enough. Have your celebration of marriage party only if it's something you really want to do. 

    If you're old enough to get married, you don't really need anyone's approval on how to accomplish that.
                       
  • @Falsara It is indeed a hard habit to break, so thanks for understanding, haha.

    And thank you ladies, I guess this was more of a "what would you do", and you're right, just us in AZ makes the most sense. I think I needed an outside perspective away from it and that is what you gave me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    Its what you do best, and that is why I came here. Even if my words came out a bit incorrectly :)
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  • I think you have three options that would work well for you.  

    One: Go off and elope just you and your FI.  Don't tell anyone until after you are married.

    Two: Book a small private room in a restaurant in MD.  Invite your closest family and friends.  Keep the invite list very small.  Maybe 30 people or so.  Have your ceremony there and then host a dinner for all attendees.  Vows don't have to be sappy or sentimental.  You don't even have to state your most inner feelings during vows.  You are marrying your FI, your guests already know that you love him, since you are marrying him.

    Three: Have a courthouse wedding with just both sets of parents invited.  Then take them out for a meal afterwards.

    Whatever you do, I would not have a private ceremony with just your FI's parents present.  Your mom has already stated that she would be upset to not see you marry.  I think she would be even more hurt if you marry with only FI's parents present.
  • falsarafalsara member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    @Falsara It is indeed a hard habit to break, so thanks for understanding, haha.


    And thank you ladies, I guess this was more of a "what would you do", and you're right, just us in AZ makes the most sense. I think I needed an outside perspective away from it and that is what you gave me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    Its what you do best, and that is why I came here. Even if my words came out a bit incorrectly :)
    Glad we could help.  I hope you have a marvelous time with your FI on your Elopement/ Honeymoon!!!

                                               

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  • Why do you need to tell them you're going away on vacation?


    I envision you doing this elopement 'old school.' But a cute dress, write up a few announcements, have them delivered to your parents and his the day after the ceremony - maybe by a local florist with small bouquets. Enjoy your honeymoon. I suspect your mom will be disappointed, but will get over it quickly enough. Have your celebration of marriage party only if it's something you really want to do. 

    If you're old enough to get married, you don't really need anyone's approval on how to accomplish that.
    I guess its just a thing we do,my mom calls a lot so I feel like it would come up, that doesn't mean it has to. Like I said, as obvious as it seems, I just hadn't thought of not saying anything.

    I love everything about your idea, with the announcements, that's a nice touch.
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  • So your idea now is just the two of you, oh but also his parents, but not your parents because, as you know, they don't fly? That seems mean and selfish to me. It just does. Why can't you have the six of you somewhere all the parents can get to? Like, say, a courthouse in Maryland?

    And this, oh I just can't read her stuff? Honestly? I can read her loud and clear. She wants to see you get married. She will be upset if she doesn't. It's fine to upset your mother if that's what you need to do, but you can't expect her to like it.

    If you're going to elope, stop talking about it and just go do it already. Stringing everyone along like this doesn't help anything.

    To the bolded, no. I think maybe it didn't come across how I meant it to, and for that I apologize. If my parents wanted to come and his parents as well, I am ok with that. I however, do not think one should come and not the other, at all, believe me. I think they all want to come, but my mom just won't fly.It was just her statement really threw me, because she seemed liked "its cool if were not there" until everyone left the room.

    On the second front, we do not live in Maryland anymore, our friends and family do, so that is why the big thing would have been there. So going to courthouse there seems odd, but I do get what you are saying and I appreciate it.

    These were ideas that were thrown around today, and I guess I wasn't sure if it is easier to appease everyone and just us feel weird. Or go for the just us thing, and if they are a little displeased, then that's a thing they won't like but it won't be the end of the world.


    You can't please everyone. It's impossible. No matter what you do, someone will have preferred you to do it differently. That's just the way life works.

    What you should definitely not do is have a wedding that makes you and your FI (you know, the two people who are actually getting married) "feel weird." That's crazy.

    PPs have already covered the straight up elopement option. I think that's a great option for you two - but if that's the way you go, you need to stop talking wedding with both of your families. 

    Another option would be to have a small, local wedding (if you do want to have your families there). For example, my sister originally was going to have the big, traditional wedding. She decided after she started planning that she did not want a big wedding (she too does not like to be the center of attention). She and her now-H decided to completely switch things up. They cancelled their plans for the following year and planned a small, 25-person celebration over the space of a week. They got married at a courthouse and they booked a room at a restaurant for the reception. They invited mostly local people, but did call up the OOT people they really wanted their (one of my aunts and uncles, for example). They still got to celebrate with the people they wanted there, but it was truly small and was not the big shebang that would have made them uncomfortable. I don't know if this is something you even want to consider, but I wanted to throw out another option besides a) eloping, b) having a DW with parents in attendance, and c) having a big blowout wedding.

    Good luck with figuring out a plan between you and your FI!!
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  • @allispain I feel like I could relate to your sister!

    Thank you for the idea as well, all are appreciated.

    Also, I could watch your gif all day. 
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