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My BM "hates" my FI

Knottie08539490Knottie08539490 member
in Wedding Party
My BM (best friend for ten years) just drunkenly told me she hates my FI, doesn't agree with the wedding, and thinks he's "not good enough" for me. Three months before the wedding.

I've been with my FI for 7 years, we've been through everything together, and he is the best human being in the world. Her explanation (mind you, she was wasted at the time so I don't know exactly what this means) was that he was "too awkward and quiet around people." And that was all the reasoning I got about it.

I love her. I don't want to lose her as a friend. But I am seriously hurt. My FI is hurt as well, since she had always been very friendly to him. 

What do I do now Knotties? Would this be a friendship-ending situation for you? Anybody else go through the same thing or something similar. 








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Re: My BM "hates" my FI

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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You need to talk to your friend about this when she's sober. While I think there was definitely some truth in what she said to you, it may have been exaggerated because she was drunk, couldn't find the right words, etc. She may just feel uncomfortable around your FI or something far less extreme than hating him. That being said, if you do talk to her, you'll have to think very carefully about whether you believe her or not if she says she's sorry or that she didn't mean it, and then go from there. If she stands by everything she said, than perhaps it's a little easier to decide if it's a friendship ending situation.

    I do think you should've waited until you'd decided how to handle this before you said anything to your FI. Like @LondonLisa said, even if you can forgive your friend, your FI might not, and he may not want her around  and will resent your continuing friendship with her. Whatever your feelings are now toward your friend, it may already be too late to fix things completely.

     






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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    LondonLisa said:

    Knottie08539490 said:

    My BM (best friend for ten years) just drunkenly told me she hates my FI, doesn't agree with the wedding, and thinks he's "not good enough" for me. Three months before the wedding.


    I've been with my FI for 7 years, we've been through everything together, and he is the best human being in the world. Her explanation (mind you, she was wasted at the time so I don't know exactly what this means) was that he was "too awkward and quiet around people." And that was all the reasoning I got about it.

    I love her. I don't want to lose her as a friend. But I am seriously hurt. My FI is hurt as well, since she had always been very friendly to him. 

    What do I do now Knotties? Would this be a friendship-ending situation for you? Anybody else go through the same thing or something similar. 








    That is a fairly big bombshell that I am almost positive she didn't mean to drop. But in vino veritas.

    Firstly, why the heck did you tell your fi? That was just mean and made this situation 10x more complicated! 

    I think you should take your friend out for a coffee and not be confrontational or defensive but say calmly and honestly: "Friend, I'm not sure if you remember, but the other night you said some hurtful things about fi. I love you and our friendship, but I'm having a hard time of just letting it go because it seemed like you had been stewing on this for a while..."

    And then just listen to what she has to say. This is a conversation that needs to be face to face and just you 2. Listen to her calmly, dispassionately, and honestly to decide if you think you can forgive and forget.

    But here is one of the best pieces of advice I have received about marriage: If you have a problem with someone important (be it a husband or best friend) be VERY careful about complaining about it to other mutual parties. If you want to talk it through, talk to a therapist/ clergy member (or at least someone who doesn't have a dog in that fight). The people you blab to will only hear negative about your fi or friend and maybe not be supportive of you continuing the relationship when you need support. Hypothetical example: You complain to your friend that Fi prefers you to stay at home after children and you are on the fence- friend now sees fi as a controlling jerk who doesn;t support your career when the situation may have been SO much more complicated. 

    You can't unring a bell, and although YOU may be willing to forgive your friend, I'm willing to bet your fi won't be able to ever forget. So because you decided to blab means that I think, yes, your relationship with her has fundamentally changed.




    @LondonLisa - awesome advice.  The bolded portion is what we have told each of our girls prior to their marriages.  We will always be here and if you need to talk about something we are here for that also.  BUT.... if it isn't abuse, alcoholism, addiction, illegal activities we STRONGLY suggest they keep the issue between them and work it out.  If they can't the need to seek professional counseling.  Just because my girls might forgive their husbands for some monumental heartbreak doesn't mean we will do so very readily.  Hurt my child (I don't care how old she is) and I won't think very highly of you or hold  you in kind regard.

    This will hold true for OP's FI and the BM.  OP you should have NEVER told your FI what was said, especially under the influence of alcohol.

    You can't unring this bell.

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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Seriously. What everyone else said. If my H's family and friends insulted me, I would hope that he'd have the good sense to shut them down immediately and demand respect for his wife and then not tell me, ever in order to keep our relationship healthy. If they were drunk, the latter part still stands.

    Sounds like she overstated and you overreacted, and are still overreacting and taking at face value what she said when drunk. You only got minimal reasoning probably because that's her only reasoning and doesn't actually amount to "hate."

    I have a friend getting married this weekend. I can't make the wedding. It's a long distance and a terrible time of year for me work-wise, but I didn't put in the effort partially because I'm not sure if he should marry this girl - primarily because I was his outlet for the YEARS when they couldn't seem to talk without fighting. I'm sure they've probably had good times, but I didn't hear about them, and so I just have to imagine they exist. I definitely heard about the bad, and because of it I don't like this girl. Maybe they really should be getting married. He can't convince me, and it's probably directly due to all the venting. Your FI may now feel the same about your friend, and vice versa if you've been venting to her.
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    mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I am flabbergasted that you would tell your FI that. You most likely shot any chance they ever had at a friendship right in the foot. If your BM comes out to say "well, I'm just jealous that he's going to take you away" or "I'm upset at this..." Or some other thing that has NOTHING to do with him, you've planted that seed and it grows like a weed. Dude. Party foul.

    Talk to her when she's sober, apologize to your FI for telling him and go from there.

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I can't fathom why you would have told your FI this. You've made everything worse by telling him.  

    I can't imagine that I would end a friendship with someone because she honestly told me that she didn't like my partner. Part of the reason I'm friends with my friends is that we can be honest with each other, even about the big things, and even if we don't agree. I don't think all of my friends' husbands are fantastic, but it doesn't mean we can't be friends. I also disagree with some of my friends' career choices or other life choices. 

    I agree with PP that you should invite her for lunch or coffee, and honestly ask her to talk about what she's feeling. Maybe something you've told her is bothering her, or maybe she's seen or heard something you haven't. Or maybe she's totally irrational. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jesus. Why the hell did your tell your FI? You NEVER should have told him. That was a foolish thing to do. 

    Sit down and have a sober conversation with her. 
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    redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Prior to my BFF get married, one of her BMs shared some very, very legitimate concerns she had about the Groom and the marriage. The Bride went and told her FI and now the BM (whom I'm also friends with) doesn't feel she can be as open with our mutual friend about, well, lots of things because she's worried she'll just talk to her FI about all this personal stuff

    Despite what Hollywood tells you, you don't actually have to share everything with your FI/H
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    augsum15augsum15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Someone else said this already, but talk to her when she's sober if it really bothers you. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Agree 100% with Lisa. And definitely, moving forward, watch what you say about your SO to friends and family and don't tell your SO absolutely everything, either. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Why in the world would you tell your FI?  This is something that should have been dealt with between you and your friend only, imo.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    I don't know why you told this to your FI, but going forward, I wouldn't pass on to him anything negative that your friends tell you about their feelings about him.  Nothing good could come of it.  And don't discuss anything of a negative nature about him with your friends or family.

    With regards to this friend, I'd just ask her what she meant by her comments when she's sober.

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