I Know too much. (Invitation etiquette)

Jstump2

I lurked a lot on these boards for my own wedding and am thankful I'm did.  There were a few things I felt might be rude but wasn't sure and it was nice to get confirmation here. I am so thankful that I was able to avoid any etiquette blunders for my own wedding but now sometimes I wish I didn't know so much about etiquette because I see infractions everywhere!

For starters I don't think I've ever received an invitation without registry info included. I Just received an invite yesterday for a coworker of my Husbands. They put "Adults only" no less than three places. The actual invite, the direction card and the RSVP card. Yikes! They also included registry info. The good news is, according to H, there will be an open bar and plenty of food.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt about some stuff ie. adult only reception, registry info, and chalk it up to them not knowing any better. It's just hard not to side eye when you know they are being rude. KWIM?

I have a friend who's getting married in September who tends to be a little oblivious.If she asks me for help/advise with the invites I'd be happy to help but don't want to be rude giving my unsolicited advise. I'm just hoping her Invites won't include anything cringe worthy.

charcoalandblush

I definitely know what you mean. For me the most awkward situations have been with people close to us who had enormous etiquette blunders at their weddings that we attended. Tons of DF's friends and family have gotten married in the past couple of years, and there are so many awkward situations where they ask why we're not doing X Y or Z that they did for their wedding. I don't want to be like "BECAUSE THAT WAS SUPER RUDE OF YOU." But no, we will not be doing what you did with a cash bar/B list/writing "adults only" on the invitations/etc.

My BFF also helped plan our other friend's wedding last year (well, she basically single-handedly planned it all, actually) and there were a ton of etiquette fails. I'm less shy about it with her though - I'll straight up tell her it's rude to ask for RSVPs two months in advance or to not have chairs for your guests or to invite people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding.

flbride2015

Ditto. I'm super hapy I found his place before my wedding. Personally, I can look past the stuff like writing "adults only" or attire suggestions (they're always suggestions because you can't make me wear anything don't want to wear). As long as I'm hosted properly, the little stuff that I can write off as just not knowing any better, isn't a big deal.

SP29

Pretty much every wedding I have been to has had at least one etiquette faux-pas. 

I tend to rate them and look past the minor things. Some things would outright bother me and I'd consider declining (potluck wedding), other things I'd secretly judge (no food at meal time), and other things I would think the B&G just didn't know any better. 

Unfortunately there are so many faux pas where the B&G get told, "but EVERYONE does it this way", so if no one was ever raised with proper etiquette... man that's a steep hill. 

I also think there is a difference when someone asks for your opinion- then you can try to guide them in the right direction, or explain why something would be a bad idea, and knowing that they were probably given bad advice from someone else. 

spglsp

I've only gotten into it with one close friend who wanted to throw a PPD. Outside of that, while I may have a private chuckle, I let these things go. Not everyone has the luxury of knotties keeping them in line and one of the major tenets of proper etiquette is not pointing out everyone else's lapses.

charcoalandblush

spglsp said:

I've only gotten into it with one close friend who wanted to throw a PPD. Outside of that, while I may have a private chuckle, I let these things go. Not everyone has the luxury of knotties keeping them in line and one of the major tenets of proper etiquette is not pointing out everyone else's lapses.

I got into it with the same BFF about this recently. I think it's particularly touchy for her because her brother and his wife are considering having a PPD-lite. They got shotgun married at the courthouse and everyone knows they're married, but they're talking about possibly still having a "wedding." I eventually just dropped it, because I realized that she was never going to agree with me. In her mind, a "wedding" is whatever you call a wedding, and if you call the PPD the "wedding," it is and the courthouse marriage isn't a wedding.

[Deleted User]

charcoalandblush said:

I got into it with the same BFF about this recently. I think it's particularly touchy for her because her brother and his wife are considering having a PPD-lite. They got shotgun married at the courthouse and everyone knows they're married, but they're talking about possibly still having a "wedding." I eventually just dropped it, because I realized that she was never going to agree with me. In her mind, a "wedding" is whatever you call a wedding, and if you call the PPD the "wedding," it is and the courthouse marriage isn't a wedding.

I never understand this... I always want to put it like this:

Them: well it was at a courthouse so it wasn't a wedding.

Me: Well what was it then? If it wasn't a wedding, what was it?

Them: *crickets chirping*

futuremrshp

Yeah, one of my good friends is getting married in September.  I just got married back in late April, which I will say went well with, from what I can tell, no real faux pas.  She was asking for a lot of advice here and there and I would give her the advice and I could tell she didn't like what I was saying.... so then just kind of cut me off and said "Well, I don't need your help for that anymore.  You're good at health and fitness so help me with that."  She also said the other day that she made a secret facebook page for her wedding stuff a few months ago and she'd consider adding me.  Oh well.  You can only do but so much to help. 

AddieCake

Someone on TK got an invitation containing faux pas. Color me shocked. 

Moiramab

AddieCake said:

Someone on TK got an invitation containing faux pas. Color me shocked. 

No no, I think threads like this are good every once in a while. Lurkers stepping out to tell other lurkers "Look, this really is wrong." It's like when you're a teenager and you hear the same crap from your parents, but then someone else says it and suddenly you listen and learn (does that make sense?).

The "regular OMHs" are wonderful and have great advice, but I think the snowflakes resist BECAUSE you're regulars. No excuse for bad etiquette but... /shrug

Anyway, yes, knowing better because of these boards is wayyyy better than ignorance is bliss, and it helps if you can put them to use in real life to try and help a friend

XrebeccaX

I hear this. It was years and years before I knew that a 4, 5 or 6-hour gap isn't "normal" but actually "quite rude," because nearly every wedding I've ever attended has included one. Now gaps bug me terribly, even when it's done to accommodate a church schedule. But as others have said you tend to look past some things.

One thing that I've really come to side-eye though is the absolutely OUTSTANDING number of PPDs I've become aware of since I began lurking on this board. It almost seems as though it's the thing to do now. Several friends attended one just last night - the couple wasn't shy, either, about posting all over social media about their trip to the courthouse the day before to "make things official." Sorry but I don't find it cute that in the midst of planning your incredibly detailed Pinterest-perfect wedding you couldn't find the time to sort out the one detail that matters the most, actually getting married in front of your guests, who were under the impression they were invited to, you know, a wedding.

flantastic

XrebeccaX said:

I hear this. It was years and years before I knew that a 4, 5 or 6-hour gap isn't "normal" but actually "quite rude," because nearly every wedding I've ever attended has included one. Now gaps bug me terribly, even when it's done to accommodate a church schedule. But as others have said you tend to look past some things.

One thing that I've really come to side-eye though is the absolutely OUTSTANDING number of PPDs I've become aware of since I began lurking on this board. It almost seems as though it's the thing to do now. Several friends attended one just last night - the couple wasn't shy, either, about posting all over social media about their trip to the courthouse the day before to "make things official." Sorry but I don't find it cute that in the midst of planning your incredibly detailed Pinterest-perfect wedding you couldn't find the time to sort out the one detail that matters the most, actually getting married in front of your guests, who were under the impression they were invited to, you know, a wedding.

Today, I was working with a lady who is looking for an annulment in the Catholic church. She's former military. I asked her when she'd been married, and she said she was civilly married in June 2010 and "married by church" in May 2011. A year ago, I would not have had a clue what she meant. I would have assumed she got a convalidation, I guess. I still don't think I've heard of anyone else I know in real life doing this, which is either great or means they chose to lie and are getting away with it so far.

fyrchk

I actually caught a faux pas that I would have unknowingly made because these boards have made me more eagle-eyed. When I was ordering my invites, I asked the printer to take off the part on the RSVP card about "number of adults" and "number of children" attending. I explained we are having an adults only wedding/reception.

When I got my sample invite back instead of it reading "Reception to follow" they had chosen to print "Adult Reception to follow." Definitely not what I was suggesting or wanting when I asked them to take the other wording off. Now I have to contact them and ask them to make another sample as this isn't what I wanted.

So, sometimes I wonder if the faux pas we see aren't really someone else's doing. (And to be honest, I'm surprised I caught that on my invitations. I'm usually not that particular.)

 

redheadbride15

It was only after lurking on these boards that I realized how many PPDs I had been to in the past. Each of these events that was passed off as a "wedding" always seemed fake to me knowing that the couple was already legally hitched. However, I never knew that it was a thing that many people thought was against etiquette and I didn't see anyone else complaining so I always just kept my mouth shut about my disappointment and ate my cake.

On the other hand, probably the best wedding-related event I have ever been to was a "celebration of marriage" party for two friends of mine. They openly told everyone that they had eloped several months earlier, there was no "ceremony", and she wore a cute little (non-white) dress. But there was awesome food, great conversation with good friends, open bar, and dancing all night long.

I guess one's gut instincts about what seems right or wrong really can be trusted.

NotTheOnlyOne

I have never received an invitation (wedding, bridal or baby shower) without registry info. Ever.  I have chosen not to include it and everyone thinks I'm nuts. 

I have also never attended a wedding, at least since I was a teen, where there wasn't an open bar.  I remember going to a dry wedding when I was very young but only because their religion did not allow alcohol. 

I did receive an invite to a wedding where they addressed it to just my first name. Super fancy shimmery black envelope with an Avery label stuck to the front with just my first name and address.  So weird.

Oh, and gaps?  I don't even understand.  With the exception of a wedding I attended where the bride was VERY late, I have never waited for anything.  A one hour cocktail has always been the longest I've waited.  I did not know that this was a thing at all.

becomingmcclain

Prior to getting engaged, I was blissfully unaware of some wedding etiquette. I was raised with basic east coast manners, but there was a lot I didn't know. Hopefully I will not make as many of the glaringly obvious mistakes that my cousin and his fiancee recently made.

Invitation addressed to Cousin First Name Last Name + Fiancé First Name Last Name (and his last name was spelled incorrectly)

RSVP card had no where to put our names. I was smart enough to write names on there, but I doubt most people will be. 

RSVP envelope was not stamped, I had to dig a stamp out of my drawer for that one.

An insert was included with registry info, printed on plain white printer paper and partially handwritten. At least it wasn't included on the actual invitation.

There is no wedding website, and there is absolutely no information included on hotels in the area. He is getting married an hour outside of Baltimore, and if I was attending I'd have no clue where to stay. 

The wedding is September 26th. I received the invitation at the beginning of May with an RSVP date of August 24th. That's much too soon to ask for an RSVP. And too much time between receiving the invitation and requesting the RSVP. 

I'm better off not knowing these things!

[Deleted User]

becomingmcclain said:

Prior to getting engaged, I was blissfully unaware of some wedding etiquette. I was raised with basic east coast manners, but there was a lot I didn't know. Hopefully I will not make as many of the glaringly obvious mistakes that my cousin and his fiancee recently made.

Invitation addressed to Cousin First Name Last Name + Fiancé First Name Last Name (and his last name was spelled incorrectly)

RSVP card had no where to put our names. I was smart enough to write names on there, but I doubt most people will be. 

RSVP envelope was not stamped, I had to dig a stamp out of my drawer for that one.

An insert was included with registry info, printed on plain white printer paper and partially handwritten. At least it wasn't included on the actual invitation.

There is no wedding website, and there is absolutely no information included on hotels in the area. He is getting married an hour outside of Baltimore, and if I was attending I'd have no clue where to stay. 

The wedding is September 26th. I received the invitation at the beginning of May with an RSVP date of August 24th. That's much too soon to ask for an RSVP. And too much time between receiving the invitation and requesting the RSVP. 

I'm better off not knowing these things!

Is not having a wedding website considered bad etiquette? I don't plan on doing that because it just seems like a waste of time to me...

ILoveBeachMusic

abcdevonn said:

becomingmcclain said:

Prior to getting engaged, I was blissfully unaware of some wedding etiquette. I was raised with basic east coast manners, but there was a lot I didn't know. Hopefully I will not make as many of the glaringly obvious mistakes that my cousin and his fiancee recently made.

Invitation addressed to Cousin First Name Last Name + Fiancé First Name Last Name (and his last name was spelled incorrectly)

RSVP card had no where to put our names. I was smart enough to write names on there, but I doubt most people will be. 

RSVP envelope was not stamped, I had to dig a stamp out of my drawer for that one.

An insert was included with registry info, printed on plain white printer paper and partially handwritten. At least it wasn't included on the actual invitation.

There is no wedding website, and there is absolutely no information included on hotels in the area. He is getting married an hour outside of Baltimore, and if I was attending I'd have no clue where to stay. 

The wedding is September 26th. I received the invitation at the beginning of May with an RSVP date of August 24th. That's much too soon to ask for an RSVP. And too much time between receiving the invitation and requesting the RSVP. 

I'm better off not knowing these things!

Is not having a wedding website considered bad etiquette? I don't plan on doing that because it just seems like a waste of time to me...

I don't think so. Wedding websites are a relatively new thing. I know some people don't even look at them - I never looked at them until my daughter was engaged. Setting up hotels isn't required either. It is nice but not required.

Jen4948

abcdevonn said:

becomingmcclain said:

Prior to getting engaged, I was blissfully unaware of some wedding etiquette. I was raised with basic east coast manners, but there was a lot I didn't know. Hopefully I will not make as many of the glaringly obvious mistakes that my cousin and his fiancee recently made.

Invitation addressed to Cousin First Name Last Name + Fiancé First Name Last Name (and his last name was spelled incorrectly)

RSVP card had no where to put our names. I was smart enough to write names on there, but I doubt most people will be. 

RSVP envelope was not stamped, I had to dig a stamp out of my drawer for that one.

An insert was included with registry info, printed on plain white printer paper and partially handwritten. At least it wasn't included on the actual invitation.

There is no wedding website, and there is absolutely no information included on hotels in the area. He is getting married an hour outside of Baltimore, and if I was attending I'd have no clue where to stay. 

The wedding is September 26th. I received the invitation at the beginning of May with an RSVP date of August 24th. That's much too soon to ask for an RSVP. And too much time between receiving the invitation and requesting the RSVP. 

I'm better off not knowing these things!

Is not having a wedding website considered bad etiquette? I don't plan on doing that because it just seems like a waste of time to me...

No, they aren't considered bad etiquette.  They can be useful for conveying things like hotel information, scheduling, and so on.  But they aren't required.

becomingmcclain

abcdevonn said:

becomingmcclain said:

Prior to getting engaged, I was blissfully unaware of some wedding etiquette. I was raised with basic east coast manners, but there was a lot I didn't know. Hopefully I will not make as many of the glaringly obvious mistakes that my cousin and his fiancee recently made.

Invitation addressed to Cousin First Name Last Name + Fiancé First Name Last Name (and his last name was spelled incorrectly)

RSVP card had no where to put our names. I was smart enough to write names on there, but I doubt most people will be. 

RSVP envelope was not stamped, I had to dig a stamp out of my drawer for that one.

An insert was included with registry info, printed on plain white printer paper and partially handwritten. At least it wasn't included on the actual invitation.

There is no wedding website, and there is absolutely no information included on hotels in the area. He is getting married an hour outside of Baltimore, and if I was attending I'd have no clue where to stay. 

The wedding is September 26th. I received the invitation at the beginning of May with an RSVP date of August 24th. That's much too soon to ask for an RSVP. And too much time between receiving the invitation and requesting the RSVP. 

I'm better off not knowing these things!

Is not having a wedding website considered bad etiquette? I don't plan on doing that because it just seems like a waste of time to me...

No, they are not required at all! I'm sorry if my point wasn't clear...my cousin not only did not have a wedding website, but also didn't include an enclosure card with any hotel information on it. For someone completely unfamiliar with the area, anything would have been helpful. If you don't create a website, please do let your out of town guests know which hotels to book.