What to do about embarrassing, creepy, stinky guest...

Knottie5228959

I have a cousin who I unfortunately had to invite to my wedding. He has mental disorder (not sure which one), and although he's functional for the most part, he comes off as an annoying, creepy, pervy, immature, simple minded, socially awkward, weirdo. He's friendly enough and I think he's harmless, but he chooses the most awkward, eccentric conversational topics. Like Bevis and Butthead (YES seriously! He ALWAYs talks about freakin Bevis and Butthead! I actually think those guys might be his role models, cause he kind of acts like them!) and feeding his pet snake. More importantly, he totally has the creepster factor going on. He always seems to be checking out my sisters and I, and saying things that make us feel uncomfortable in that sense too. After talking to him, you can tell he's got something wrong with him mentally (or has taken waaaaay too many drugs), so that at least gives him an excuse, and I guess I can deal with that. But he won't wear deodorant! THAT'S where I draw the line. I am not close to him and never talk to him unless it's a family function (he shows up to faithfully to every one). So I don't know how to tell him to wear deodorant. Even if I found a way to, he probably wouldn't do it. What do I do?!....

justsie

I'm going to guess that most of the guests at your wedding are going to be adults. Trust that adults can politely excuse themselves from conversations they don't want to be a part of. You knew all of this about your cousin before you invited him, and he isn't going to change for your wedding. 

Knottie5228959 said:

I have a cousin who I unfortunately had to invite to my wedding. He has mental disorder (not sure which one), and although he's functional for the most part, he comes off as an annoying, creepy, pervy, immature, simple minded, socially awkward, weirdo. He's friendly enough and I think he's harmless, but he chooses the most awkward, eccentric conversational topics. Like Bevis and Butthead (YES seriously! He ALWAYs talks about freakin Bevis and Butthead! I actually think those guys might be his role models, cause he kind of acts like them!) and feeding his pet snake. More importantly, he totally has the creepster factor going on. He always seems to be checking out my sisters and I, and saying things that make us feel uncomfortable in that sense too. After talking to him, you can tell he's got something wrong with him mentally (or has taken waaaaay too many drugs), so that at least gives him an excuse, and I guess I can deal with that. But he won't wear deodorant! THAT'S where I draw the line. I am not close to him and never talk to him unless it's a family function (he shows up to faithfully to every one). So I don't know how to tell him to wear deodorant. Even if I found a way to, he probably wouldn't do it. What do I do?!....

Knottie5228959

Not sure how that reply happened... Yeah hopefully that's all I can hope for

LondonLisa

Knottie5228959 said:

I have a cousin who I unfortunately had to invite to my wedding. He has mental disorder (not sure which one), and although he's functional for the most part, he comes off as an annoying, creepy, pervy, immature, simple minded, socially awkward, weirdo. He's friendly enough and I think he's harmless, but he chooses the most awkward, eccentric conversational topics. Like Bevis and Butthead (YES seriously! He ALWAYs talks about freakin Bevis and Butthead! I actually think those guys might be his role models, cause he kind of acts like them!) and feeding his pet snake. More importantly, he totally has the creepster factor going on. He always seems to be checking out my sisters and I, and saying things that make us feel uncomfortable in that sense too. After talking to him, you can tell he's got something wrong with him mentally (or has taken waaaaay too many drugs), so that at least gives him an excuse, and I guess I can deal with that. But he won't wear deodorant! THAT'S where I draw the line. I am not close to him and never talk to him unless it's a family function (he shows up to faithfully to every one). So I don't know how to tell him to wear deodorant. Even if I found a way to, he probably wouldn't do it. What do I do?!....

Chances are people are going to recognise he has a handicap. I spoke with a friend's brother who has autism and Down's syndrome for about 40 minutes at her wedding about catapults and trebuchets, he actually knew a lot and it was interesting. One of the most interesting convos I've had at a wedding, as it was in a medieval castle, and he knew all about the historical warfare. Yes it was a bit strange and graphic, but he was nice and I learned a lot! Stop worrying about everyone "fitting in" and instead I would hope you could trust your friends to have polite conversations and excuse themselves. Frankly, anyone who judges someone and can't be nice for 5 minutes to a person who has a disorder through no fault of his own is someone I wouldn't want at my wedding.

Heffalump

Knottie5228959 said:

What do I do?!....

I mean this kindly, but what you do is fix your attitude.  It's so painfully obvious from your post that you don't want this cousin there:

Knottie5228959 said:

I have a cousin who I unfortunately had to invite to my wedding. He has mental disorder (not sure which one), and although he's functional for the most part, he comes off as an annoying, creepy, pervy, immature, simple minded, socially awkward, weirdo. He's friendly enough and I think he's harmless, but he chooses the most awkward, eccentric conversational topics. Like Bevis and Butthead (YES seriously! He ALWAYs talks about freakin Bevis and Butthead! I actually think those guys might be his role models, cause he kind of acts like them!) and feeding his pet snake. More importantly, he totally has the creepster factor going on. He always seems to be checking out my sisters and I, and saying things that make us feel uncomfortable in that sense too. After talking to him, you can tell he's got something wrong with him mentally (or has taken waaaaay too many drugs), so that at least gives him an excuse, and I guess I can deal with that. But he won't wear deodorant! THAT'S where I draw the line. I am not close to him and never talk to him unless it's a family function (he shows up to faithfully to every one). So I don't know how to tell him to wear deodorant. Even if I found a way to, he probably wouldn't do it. What do I do?!....

I'm going to agree with you on one thing:  no, you can't tell him to wear deodorant.  So now that you have made the choice to invite him, you make him feel welcome, like any other guest.  You treat him kindly, find a little empathy, realize that he has some challenges in his life, and deal with them gracefully.

GBCK

when you say he makes comments that feel creepy, are they things that are blatantly creepy and inappropriate?  or do they skirt that?  or is it just normal conversations with his mannerism makes it seem creepy?

Because if they're blatantly creepy, there is nothing wrong with saying "that is inappropriate.  Do not speak like that.." and/or kicking him out

I'm not (at all) saying to ignore the creepy vibes you get if he's not blatantly creepy, (sometimes the hairs on teh back of your neck are smarter than your head), but I don't care if he's the queen of sheba, blatant creepy means you get to kick them out guilt free.

Knottie5228959

No, it wasn't my choice to invite him (even if I didn't, he would have shown up anyway), and no, I do not want him there. When he was a kid, he was totally different. He did not seem to be mentally handicapped, but he was a terror. Very spoiled and downright mean to my sisters and I. We dreaded ever having to see him. When he got into his teens, he did a complete turn around. He mellowed out and started treating everyone nicer, but he just started acting so strange. Everyone started wondering what the heck was wrong with him (he wasn't diagnosed until just a couple years ago). Like everyone else in the family, I have been nice to him and I humor him. Even when he looks at me innaproproaty or says things that make me uncomfortable. We all get annoyed and weirded out by him. We try to avoid him when he stinks or won't shut up about Bevis and Butthead. We try to talk sense into him when he begs us to dare him to drink and drive cause he's "so good at it, and did it once before". My dad did mention deodorant to him once. He said something like, "You're a funny guy, uncle. I don't need that stuff. I don't stink that bad. Clothes wash. Sorry if you think I stink. Here, want a better whiff?" Then he'd lift up his arm and laugh. He has come into my sister's place of work and mine as well telling everyone that he's our cousin. Coworkers come to us saying "some weird guy is here saying he's your cousin..." Or "This creepy guy out there says he's your cousin. He pulled out his ID just to prove it. Omg please tell me he's not really your cousin!" I go out to talk to him and he compliments me on how good I look, checks me out, and tells me what a good job I'm doing. After he leaves, you can imagine the response I get from coworkers... "Is he on drugs?!", "Please tell me you are not related to that guy!", "I'm sorry you have to deal with that".... Since he's functional and normal in a lot of ways, I think sometimes people don't know what to think of him. Whether he's disabled or what. I can't blame them. I'd probably think the same thing. There's not a lot of tolerance for creepy. Handicapped or not.

Anyway, as you can imagine, since he's never been pleasant to be around since the very beginning, I am not close to him, and don't have much of a relationship with him. I plan on being polite as always to him at the wedding though. I guess the best I can hope for is everyone is understanding, someone makes him wear deodorant, and he doesn't offend anyone too bad. If he does, I guess I'm gonna have to make him leave... My friends have suggested sitting him in the back and someone spraying cologne on him. Not sure how sitting him in back is going work though since his dad and all the rest of family will be in front... Oh well. Hope for the best I guess.

zitiqueen

Knottie5228959 said:

No, it wasn't my choice to invite him (even if I didn't, he would have shown up anyway), and no, I do not want him there. When he was a kid, he was totally different. He did not seem to be mentally handicapped, but he was a terror. Very spoiled and downright mean to my sisters and I. We dreaded ever having to see him. When he got into his teens, he did a complete turn around. He mellowed out and started treating everyone nicer, but he just started acting so strange. Everyone started wondering what the heck was wrong with him (he wasn't diagnosed until just a couple years ago). Like everyone else in the family, I have been nice to him and I humor him. Even when he looks at me innaproproaty or says things that make me uncomfortable. We all get annoyed and weirded out by him. We try to avoid him when he stinks or won't shut up about Bevis and Butthead. We try to talk sense into him when he begs us to dare him to drink and drive cause he's "so good at it, and did it once before". My dad did mention deodorant to him once. He said something like, "You're a funny guy, uncle. I don't need that stuff. I don't stink that bad. Clothes wash. Sorry if you think I stink. Here, want a better whiff?" Then he'd lift up his arm and laugh. He has come into my sister's place of work and mine as well telling everyone that he's our cousin. Coworkers come to us saying "some weird guy is here saying he's your cousin..." Or "This creepy guy out there says he's your cousin. He pulled out his ID just to prove it. Omg please tell me he's not really your cousin!" I go out to talk to him and he compliments me on how good I look, checks me out, and tells me what a good job I'm doing. After he leaves, you can imagine the response I get from coworkers... "Is he on drugs?!", "Please tell me you are not related to that guy!", "I'm sorry you have to deal with that".... Since he's functional and normal in a lot of ways, I think sometimes people don't know what to think of him. Whether he's disabled or what. I can't blame them. I'd probably think the same thing. There's not a lot of tolerance for creepy. Handicapped or not.

Anyway, as you can imagine, since he's never been pleasant to be around since the very beginning, I am not close to him, and don't have much of a relationship with him. I plan on being polite as always to him at the wedding though. I guess the best I can hope for is everyone is understanding, someone makes him wear deodorant, and he doesn't offend anyone too bad. If he does, I guess I'm gonna have to make him leave... My friends have suggested sitting him in the back and someone spraying cologne on him. Not sure how sitting him in back is going work though since his dad and all the rest of family will be in front... Oh well. Hope for the best I guess.

Explain why you had no choice in inviting him.

LD1970

Seat him with his family.  They know all this already.

GBCK

I'm still not seeing why you 'had' to invite him.

And I"m absolutely not seeing why no one stands up to him.  I know you can't make him behave himself--but responding with "that is inappropriate.  Do not come by my place of work again, or security will remove you" or "That is not how you speak to me.  You are no longer welcome in my house" isn't being rude-it's being direct.  And it's not making it uncomfortable--it's ALREADY uncomfortable for everyone but him--this just moves that discomfort to his lap where it belongs.

hmonkey

GBCK said:

moves that discomfort to his lap where it belongs.

AuntFlo

hmonkey said:

GBCK said:

moves that discomfort to his lap where it belongs.

Thank you hmo. I thought it was just me...

GBCK

I was going for obscurely punny, and landed in creepy.

But see, you said so :-P

MesmrEwe

Knottie5228959 said:

I guess the best I can hope for is everyone is understanding, someone makes him wear deodorant, and he doesn't offend anyone too bad. If he does, I guess I'm gonna have to make him leave... My friends have suggested sitting him in the back and someone spraying cologne on him. Not sure how sitting him in back is going work though since his dad and all the rest of family will be in front... Oh well. Hope for the best I guess.

Your friends suggested a form of assault by spraying him with cologne.  (for those of with asthma - that type of stuff can cause respiratory issues)..

But seat him next to his Dad...  Closer to the back if you can...  Might I suggest fragrant reception flowers as a way to combat smells or if your venue allows, scent-neutralizing candles (Beeswax)...  Bathroom basket with deodorant even...  But really, your attitude is the first thing that needs to change, mental illness has a stigma because of individuals like him who - there isn't a pill he can take that's going to change those fundamental aspects of his personality, only consistent types of reinforcement to correct the behaviors.  The deodorant issue should have started to have been addressed when he was 10 and started to need it in the first place.  But really, Bean Dip is your best way to help him change behaviors around you (and a little advance with your bouncers/bridesmaids/groomsman/coworkers "hey, this is the way he is, head's up, here's how to address those things"..  I had a Dad come up to me and do this when his autistic son was going to be on the platform and I was Refereeing - it made the whole behaviors aspect a non-starter issue because we knew what to expect/do..).  Chances are it'll be a non-starter issue the day of your wedding because you'll be so busy with other things, but also, talk to his Dad on the issues concerning you because chances are, he's got a way that works to calm those types of behaviors down. 

ohannabelle

He has a mental disorder. 

People with mental disorders and mental illnesses don't always behave in socially acceptable ways.

You deal with it like an adult, which means with grace, compassion, and understanding.

There is no other acceptable answer. 

Mental illnesses run in families. Think about how you'd feel if your future child was born with a mental illness or disability, and how you'd want them to be treated, and behave accordingly. 

larrygaga

Maybe YOU aren't as wonderful as you think you are. Maybe you should reflect in on yourself and realize that just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. You don't have to talk to him, and neither does any other adult.  You say hi, you fucking smile and you move on with your life.