Awkward at work...did I mess up?

camsden

Alright, year long lurker first actual question. I am getting married this weekend (yay). I have only invited one couple from my work that are family friends. The wife of my coworker is actually the daughter of the owner of the company (this is a small family owned company). At the shower she presented me with a gift from both her and her husband, along with her mother and father, stating that her mother had regretted not being invited to the wedding/shower. I was mortified! I did not figure they would want to come. I did not follow up with an invitation because I figured a late or B-list invitation would be more insulting than not getting one at all! Well now a week out her assistant at work hands me a card from them and mentions that I may want to invite her to spare feelings! So I, being out of invitations at this point, email her the information on the wedding, went into her office and explained to her that I did not want feelings to be hurt and she and her husband are welcome to attend if they would like to. They honestly would not put us out at this point we would have room and food for them.

Did I mess up somewhere down the line? I felt like a total heel inviting her last minute. This is a very small corporate office and the owners are pretty much invited to all major events of their employees (weddings, graduations) from my understanding. I have not talked to her about the wedding much as I don't really see her on a day to day. She is a very nice older woman, and I just didn't want any feelings to be hurt. Thoughts? Ideas? Am I a total monster?!

thisismynickname2

I don't think you're a monster. I think it is rude for anyone to assume they'd be invited to events or even communicate to anyone else (meaning let word get to you) that they wanted to be invited. 

I don't work for a small organization so I don't know the dynamics, but sometimes it is better to invite the coworkers, as it seems everyone else used to do too. But, the ship sailed. I'm cringing that you gave her a pity invite, but I am also cringing you were basically told to give her one. 

It's crappy all around, but there's probably nothing more you can do besides maintain your professionalism at this office.  

And write very gracious thank-you notes, quickly!! 

SP29

It is more rude of this woman and her husband to ask to be invited to the event, and to make you feel guilty for it.

You are NOT required to invite her. You are not required to invite anyone to the wedding. I realize some people have large weddings where they invite most people they know, and that's cool, but my personal stance on co-workers/ bosses is to only invite them if you would invite them because they are friends, not only because you work with them. 

I know in some instances bosses can get sticky, but still, you are not required to invite your boss and they should be professional enough to keep business and pleasure separate. 

Sure, someone may be a bit disappointed for not being invited to the wedding, maybe because they felt they were close enough, but people need to be adults and realize you won't be invited everywhere, for everything. I like to *think* most people realize that weddings are expensive and the B&G can't invite everyone they know. 

What I would have said was, "I am sorry for any hurt feelings but we were not able to invite everyone we would have liked". And leave it at that.

At this point though, you've already extended the invitation. You've B-listed her and her husband, which I think would feel worse for her, but it sounds like she pressured you into it.

Anyway, what's done is done, and I guess you'll see if they come, but you did nothing wrong initially by not inviting them. 

camsden

I made absolutely sure to write them a separate thank you  note for the shower gift!! Also writing them one for the current gift as well. I know it was kind of wrong to cave but I am not the strongest of people when it comes to that kind of situation

camsden

I would have loved to invite coworkers but our guest list is very large I just had to cut it off.

XrebeccaX

The people who messed up here are the ones who felt entitled to an invite and the ones who felt compelled to tell you who you should invite to your shower and wedding. I cannot think how the woman's assistant thought it would be better to issue an invitation so close to the event than to not be invited at all, but people are a mystery.

I fall into the camp of not inviting colleagues to most social occasions, but I realize that is not how everyone feels and that sometimes it is considered a given. This seems odd to me, and I don't think you messed up by limiting the invitation to those at work you are close to.

That said, it is too bad things have turned out this way but as the PP said all you can do is write gracious thank-you notes. 

[Deleted User]

Yep, I agree with all PPs.  Your first mistake was inviting this woman at the last minute.  Up until then nothing you did was wrong.  People are so weird.

blabla89

You're not a monster. These work situations can be tricky, especially in a small company.

Would it have been better to invite the owners in the first place? Maybe, but it was very rude of them to fish for an invitation. Probably wasn't a good idea to talk to her about it in person (personally, I would have written her a note on personal stationery) or to tell her it was a pity invite, but that ship has sailed - don't fret over it too much and just try to maintain your professionalism at work.

fyrchk

I don't think you're a monster. You were essentially backed into a corner. And it's tricky because she's your boss. And who is the assistant to say "avoid further hurt feelings?" What if you could only invite 50 people to your wedding and now by inviting your boss you have to slash someone else from your list?

I hate rude,entitled people.

becomingmcclain

I work in a very small, tight knit group as well. The two owners are close friends, the stakeholders' sister is our admin, and four of the other employees have been friends and worked together for years. I'm the newbie. I told FI that it was either all or nothing and they'd all need plus ones. So we opted for nothing. 

My boss got engaged 5 days before I did so he and I do talk a lot about wedding planning at work. He mentioned that his save the dates already went out and I didn't receive one, so I know I'm not invited. Phew. I will still give him a generous gift though. 

[Deleted User]

becomingmcclain said:

I work in a very small, tight knit group as well. The two owners are close friends, the stakeholders' sister is our admin, and four of the other employees have been friends and worked together for years. I'm the newbie. I told FI that it was either all or nothing and they'd all need plus ones. So we opted for nothing. 

My boss got engaged 5 days before I did so he and I do talk a lot about wedding planning at work. He mentioned that his save the dates already went out and I didn't receive one, so I know I'm not invited. Phew. I will still give him a generous gift though. 

You may still receive an invite- you're not 100% in the clear yet.

People who didn't receive STDs can can receive invites- the etiquette breach happens when you send an STD but then don't follow through with an actual invite.

ETF: typo

becomingmcclain

FeeleyToBe said:

becomingmcclain said:

I work in a very small, tight knit group as well. The two owners are close friends, the stakeholders' sister is our admin, and four of the other employees have been friends and worked together for years. I'm the newbie. I told FI that it was either all or nothing and they'd all need plus ones. So we opted for nothing. 

My boss got engaged 5 days before I did so he and I do talk a lot about wedding planning at work. He mentioned that his save the dates already went out and I didn't receive one, so I know I'm not invited. Phew. I will still give him a generous gift though. 

You may still receive an invite- you're not 100% in the clear yet.

People who didn't receive STDs can can receive invites- the etiquette breach happens when you send an STD but then don't follow through with an actual invite.

ETF: typo

True, you're correct about that. In the fear that my "phew" was misinterpreted, I would graciously attend my boss' wedding, in fact I'd be honored to be invited. It just makes it a bit more awkward to be invited if I am not planning on inviting him.