Bridal Party w/o sister?

Knottie1430754761

Hi all, I have a major dilemma (apologies for the long post!)

I have been engaged for about a month, and I'm super excited! Of course, I've been in contact with my family living across the country constantly since then, coming up with ideas and ways to save money! My older sister (she's a half sister, but we grew up together) is the artistic one of the family, and she's been great with coming up and sharing great ideas. Just the other day, she asked how many bridesmaids I plan on having (I told her 3) and then asked if she could get her own dress that she's always wanted to get.

Here's my dilemma, I was not planning on making my sister a bridesmaid. 

I have 3 older sisters, consisting of two half sisters and a full sister. I'm probably the closest with this artistic sister (from my mom's side); I didn't grow up with the eldest half-sister (from my dad's side) and (I hope) that she wont expect to be in the wedding, and my full sister is developmentally delayed and she wouldnt want to be in the wedding. 

However, in addition of feeling weird about having one out of the three of my sisters as a bridesmaid (and potentially upsetting my father's side of the family for not having the eldest sister in the wedding), I have so many close girlfriends that would be considered too!

For years I've considered a plan on how to determine who is in my bridal party. With the goal of it being as small as possible I came up with 3 rules: 1) sticking to the term "maid" very literally; if you are married, you've had your day and you're out! 2) choosing one person from major stages of my life (HS/College/First job/etc) 3) choosing only 3 bridesmaids. 

Out of potentially 15 BM's, this list helps cutting things down a lot! And, with these rules in hand, I just hadn't planned on my sisters being in my bridal party (the two eldest are married, the artistic sister has been married twice). 

Additionally, while I love my artistic sister, I'm not the biggest fan of her actions. She hasnt done anything too terrible, no drugs or anything like that, but I dont like how she treats our mother and her children. She's the mother of 4, and is completely hands off with them. Our mother had to take care of the kids a lot (she's lived with my mom for the past 10 years). My mom (divorced from my dad) had been the primary breadwinner of my sister's entire family, the babysitter, the housekeeper, the chef, everything. Basically, my artistic sister is self-centered and takes advantage of my mom. She's also quite mean to our mentally delayed sister, telling this sister that she is killing my mom. Things have gotten slightly better recently, especially since my mom had major surgery last year: my sister and her husband pay for more around the home (after my mom lost her house and they moved around a few times), and her kids are older and can take care of themselves better now. However, she still does things that I dont like (like taking over my car that I left for our mom to use when I moved out of state, not saving any money, spending our mom's money when running errands for her, etc). 

My fiance is not a big fan of my sister. He is annoyed that I'm even considering giving her a spot in the wedding, and thinks she's trying to force her way into the wedding. I think that she genuinely wants to be a part of the wedding, and for some reason she's always been the best (and least selfish) with me. 

Am I a terrible person for not even considering her as a part of my wedding party? Am I being a pushover by reconsidering things now that she's assuming she's part of the wedding? I considered making her an honorary BM, but that feels like a downgrade, and my fiance still thinks that's doing too much. 

Help!!!

mikenberger

Knottie1430754761 said:

Hi all, I have a major dilemma (apologies for the long post!)

I have been engaged for about a month, and I'm super excited! Of course, I've been in contact with my family living across the country constantly since then, coming up with ideas and ways to save money! My older sister (she's a half sister, but we grew up together) is the artistic one of the family, and she's been great with coming up and sharing great ideas. Just the other day, she asked how many bridesmaids I plan on having (I told her 3) and then asked if she could get her own dress that she's always wanted to get.

Here's my dilemma, I was not planning on making my sister a bridesmaid. 

I have 3 older sisters, consisting of two half sisters and a full sister. I'm probably the closest with this artistic sister (from my mom's side); I didn't grow up with the eldest half-sister (from my dad's side) and (I hope) that she wont expect to be in the wedding, and my full sister is developmentally delayed and she wouldnt want to be in the wedding. 

However, in addition of feeling weird about having one out of the three of my sisters as a bridesmaid (and potentially upsetting my father's side of the family for not having the eldest sister in the wedding), I have so many close girlfriends that would be considered too!

For years I've considered a plan on how to determine who is in my bridal party. With the goal of it being as small as possible I came up with 3 rules: 1) sticking to the term "maid" very literally; if you are married, you've had your day and you're out! 2) choosing one person from major stages of my life (HS/College/First job/etc) 3) choosing only 3 bridesmaids. 

Out of potentially 15 BM's, this list helps cutting things down a lot! And, with these rules in hand, I just hadn't planned on my sisters being in my bridal party (the two eldest are married, the artistic sister has been married twice). 

Additionally, while I love my artistic sister, I'm not the biggest fan of her actions. She hasnt done anything too terrible, no drugs or anything like that, but I dont like how she treats our mother and her children. She's the mother of 4, and is completely hands off with them. Our mother had to take care of the kids a lot (she's lived with my mom for the past 10 years). My mom (divorced from my dad) had been the primary breadwinner of my sister's entire family, the babysitter, the housekeeper, the chef, everything. Basically, my artistic sister is self-centered and takes advantage of my mom. She's also quite mean to our mentally delayed sister, telling this sister that she is killing my mom. Things have gotten slightly better recently, especially since my mom had major surgery last year: my sister and her husband pay for more around the home (after my mom lost her house and they moved around a few times), and her kids are older and can take care of themselves better now. However, she still does things that I dont like (like taking over my car that I left for our mom to use when I moved out of state, not saving any money, spending our mom's money when running errands for her, etc). 

My fiance is not a big fan of my sister. He is annoyed that I'm even considering giving her a spot in the wedding, and thinks she's trying to force her way into the wedding. I think that she genuinely wants to be a part of the wedding, and for some reason she's always been the best (and least selfish) with me. 

Am I a terrible person for not even considering her as a part of my wedding party? Am I being a pushover by reconsidering things now that she's assuming she's part of the wedding? I considered making her an honorary BM, but that feels like a downgrade, and my fiance still thinks that's doing too much. 

Help!!!

You do not have to put your sister in your wedding party. And "honorary bridesmaid" is a pat on the head and not a real thing. It's a total slap in the face. You don't have to justify at all why you don't want her in your bridal party. Your bridal party is for your nearest and dearest. I would stop talking to her about your wedding so she doesn't continue to get the impression that she's involved in it. And when she asks "How's the planning going?! I found this really cute..." "Going well, thanks. How is.... going?" and reroute the conversation. (We call it bean dipping around here.)

I bolded the part above because RUDE. You can't have a bridesmaid because they've been married and God forbid someone be married in your bridal party? Your rules are ridiculous.

redoryx

Knottie1430754761 said:

Hi all, I have a major dilemma (apologies for the long post!)

I have been engaged for about a month, and I'm super excited! Of course, I've been in contact with my family living across the country constantly since then, coming up with ideas and ways to save money! My older sister (she's a half sister, but we grew up together) is the artistic one of the family, and she's been great with coming up and sharing great ideas. Just the other day, she asked how many bridesmaids I plan on having (I told her 3) and then asked if she could get her own dress that she's always wanted to get.

Here's my dilemma, I was not planning on making my sister a bridesmaid. 

I have 3 older sisters, consisting of two half sisters and a full sister. I'm probably the closest with this artistic sister (from my mom's side); I didn't grow up with the eldest half-sister (from my dad's side) and (I hope) that she wont expect to be in the wedding, and my full sister is developmentally delayed and she wouldnt want to be in the wedding. 

However, in addition of feeling weird about having one out of the three of my sisters as a bridesmaid (and potentially upsetting my father's side of the family for not having the eldest sister in the wedding), I have so many close girlfriends that would be considered too!

For years I've considered a plan on how to determine who is in my bridal party. With the goal of it being as small as possible I came up with 3 rules: 1) sticking to the term "maid" very literally; if you are married, you've had your day and you're out! 2) choosing one person from major stages of my life (HS/College/First job/etc) 3) choosing only 3 bridesmaids. 

Out of potentially 15 BM's, this list helps cutting things down a lot! And, with these rules in hand, I just hadn't planned on my sisters being in my bridal party (the two eldest are married, the artistic sister has been married twice). 

Additionally, while I love my artistic sister, I'm not the biggest fan of her actions. She hasnt done anything too terrible, no drugs or anything like that, but I dont like how she treats our mother and her children. She's the mother of 4, and is completely hands off with them. Our mother had to take care of the kids a lot (she's lived with my mom for the past 10 years). My mom (divorced from my dad) had been the primary breadwinner of my sister's entire family, the babysitter, the housekeeper, the chef, everything. Basically, my artistic sister is self-centered and takes advantage of my mom. She's also quite mean to our mentally delayed sister, telling this sister that she is killing my mom. Things have gotten slightly better recently, especially since my mom had major surgery last year: my sister and her husband pay for more around the home (after my mom lost her house and they moved around a few times), and her kids are older and can take care of themselves better now. However, she still does things that I dont like (like taking over my car that I left for our mom to use when I moved out of state, not saving any money, spending our mom's money when running errands for her, etc). 

My fiance is not a big fan of my sister. He is annoyed that I'm even considering giving her a spot in the wedding, and thinks she's trying to force her way into the wedding. I think that she genuinely wants to be a part of the wedding, and for some reason she's always been the best (and least selfish) with me. 

Am I a terrible person for not even considering her as a part of my wedding party? Am I being a pushover by reconsidering things now that she's assuming she's part of the wedding? I considered making her an honorary BM, but that feels like a downgrade, and my fiance still thinks that's doing too much. 

Help!!!

You don't have to make your sister a BM but your rules seem.....weird.

Like, why only 3? Why that magic number? And picking people from a "stage" of life is just odd.  And the "maid" thing, like, I can't even.

Your bridesmaids are your nearest and dearest. If you only have 3 people you consider your nearest and dearest, that's fine. But if you're picking 3 people merely to fulfill some vision you have of your wedding you start to treat them less like people and more like props.

Maggie0829

I think your rules are silly.

If you want to include your one sister then include her.  There are no rules (unless you make up weird ones) about who you can and cannot include in your bridal party.  So if you are only close to this one sister then ask her to be in it.  But if you don't want to ask her then don't.  It really is that easy.

Please throw your rules out of the window because they are just odd and I think making things harder on you then they need to be.  Go with your gut as to who you want to stand up with you on your wedding day.  Then ask those people.

bethsmiles

I couldn't get past your weird and completely unnecessary set of rules. You seriously wouldn't ask a good friend just because he/she is married? That's just ridiculous.

Knottie1430754761

Hi all, 

The rules were a way of cutting my down the list of potential bridesmaids in a way that was the most fair, because I am close to a lot of women (like I said in my original post, otherwise, I'd have at max 15 BMs). I came up with this idea in my early 20s, not thinking that I'd be married at the age of 31/32. 

The only rule that I truly care about is the 3rd one, I only want 3 bridesmaids max (I considered having only one, but my fiance wanted more). We are paying for our wedding and are planning an intimate (read small) wedding. I've always wanted a small wedding anyway. And I dont think it makes sense to have half the wedding guests standing up next to me at the altar! 

That being said, if a bridesmaid that I've asked suddenly eloped before Aug of 2016 (when we hope to marry), I wouldnt kick her out. 

Super helpful to hear that my rules are ridiculous, but like I said, it seems the only fair way to tell a close friend why I'm picking our other college friend and not her (and 2 other college friends). 

I also forgot to mention that my artistic sister isn't just helping with ideas, but also offered to put together the bouquets and center pieces! Seems pretty mean to tell her that she's not a BM, and then ask how the flower arranging is going... =/

aliwis000

Tell your 15 "potential" bridesmaids about your rules.

You might end up with only 3 friends left period. Problem solved.

mikenberger

Knottie1430754761 said:

Hi all, 

The rules were a way of cutting my down the list of potential bridesmaids in a way that was the most fair, because I am close to a lot of women (like I said in my original post, otherwise, I'd have at max 15 BMs). I came up with this idea in my early 20s, not thinking that I'd be married at the age of 31/32. 

The only rule that I truly care about is the 3rd one, I only want 3 bridesmaids max (I considered having only one, but my fiance wanted more). We are paying for our wedding and are planning an intimate (read small) wedding. I've always wanted a small wedding anyway. And I dont think it makes sense to have half the wedding guests standing up next to me at the altar! 

That being said, if a bridesmaid that I've asked suddenly eloped before Aug of 2016 (when we hope to marry), I wouldnt kick her out. 

Super helpful to hear that my rules are ridiculous, but like I said, it seems the only fair way to tell a close friend why I'm picking our other college friend and not her (and 2 other college friends). 

I also forgot to mention that my artistic sister isn't just helping with ideas, but also offered to put together the bouquets and center pieces! Seems pretty mean to tell her that she's not a BM, and then ask how the flower arranging is going... =/

STOP RIGHT THERE.

Your wedding is over a year away. Why in the world are you giving assignments/letting people assign themselves wedding tasks and WHY are you appointing your bridal party? 

Knottie1430754761

I have told a lot of my close friends about the rules, they've had no problems with it. 

I'm not giving assignments to people, I've only come across this dilemma because my sister is assuming that's she's in the wedding. Since she's family, and we've been brainstorming ideas/themes/colors, I can't not talk about the wedding with her for the next few months.

 

KatWAG

Knottie1430754761 said:

Hi all, 

The rules were a way of cutting my down the list of potential bridesmaids in a way that was the most fair, because I am close to a lot of women (like I said in my original post, otherwise, I'd have at max 15 BMs). I came up with this idea in my early 20s, not thinking that I'd be married at the age of 31/32. 

The only rule that I truly care about is the 3rd one, I only want 3 bridesmaids max (I considered having only one, but my fiance wanted more). We are paying for our wedding and are planning an intimate (read small) wedding. I've always wanted a small wedding anyway. And I dont think it makes sense to have half the wedding guests standing up next to me at the altar! 

That being said, if a bridesmaid that I've asked suddenly eloped before Aug of 2016 (when we hope to marry), I wouldnt kick her out. 

Super helpful to hear that my rules are ridiculous, but like I said, it seems the only fair way to tell a close friend why I'm picking our other college friend and not her (and 2 other college friends). 

I also forgot to mention that my artistic sister isn't just helping with ideas, but also offered to put together the bouquets and center pieces! Seems pretty mean to tell her that she's not a BM, and then ask how the flower arranging is going... =/

My head is spinning.

Do you always follow rules you set up a decade ago? Because when I was 20 I PROMISED myself my maids would wear lavender and ruffles. thankfully I didn't follow through, because I grew up and changed my mind.

Why are you so focused on being fair? This isn't a court of law. I think what's "fair" is to chose the people you are nearest and dearest to, whether that is 3, 5 or 10 people.

If someone asks why they aren't a BM, just say "I am sorry I couldn't include everyone, but we are so honored that you will be attending." Then bean dip.

Here are the real rules for wedding parties:

Sides don't need to be even.

The people in your wedding party should be who ever you would call to help you bury a body at 3am.

Don't pick people until 6-9 months before the wedding. Relationships change.

Ask WP their budgets privately. Pick attire based on the lowest number.

If you want them to wear specific shoes, shawls, jewelry, have their hair/ MU professionally done, etc then you must pay for it.

You can not un-ask someone, unless you are okay with ending that friendship.

mikenberger

Knottie1430754761 said:

I have told a lot of my close friends about the rules, they've had no problems with it. 

I'm not giving assignments to people, I've only come across this dilemma because my sister is assuming that's she's in the wedding. Since she's family, and we've been brainstorming ideas/themes/colors, I can't not talk about the wedding with her for the next few months.

 

Yes. You can. If she's not in the wedding, "I'm sorry... there seems to be a misunderstanding. We've already chosen our bridal party." You don't have to tell her that she's not in it by saying "We've chosen our bridal party and you're not in it. Sorry." 

But the sooner the better. Brides come on here all the time, letting people think for months/years that people are in their bridal party when they actually aren't. And they want our help in telling this person, who has been completely lead astray by the bride, to tell them "You're not in the bridal party." And at that point, we would tell the bride "You made your bed and now you must lie in it." You make it a quick and to the point statement the next time she brings it up and move along the conversation to something not wedding related.

And if she chooses to no longer help you in your wedding flowers etc, that's what you have a FI for. It's her/his job to help you plan your wedding. 

ETA: And if she brings up getting a dress again: "You can wear whatever you want to the wedding. You'll look great in whatever! We're so happy you'll be there on our wedding day." It's subtle, but may get the hint across that she's not in the bridal party.

Knottie1430754761

Mikenberger and KatWAG, super helpful advice! 

I came on here to avoid being that bride that allow ppl to believe they are in the wedding when they arent. This convo just happened, via internet, so I have time to directly address it! 

Also, I dont always follow rules I decided in my 20s (camo is a great, everyday color scheme!), but I am sticking with 3 bridesmaids (or less). I just can't have a million girls up there with me on my wedding day. I've been one of those girls, and I just couldnt do it to others. 

KatWAG

Knottie1430754761 said:

Mikenberger and KatWAG, super helpful advice! 

I came on here to avoid being that bride that allow ppl to believe they are in the wedding when they arent. This convo just happened, via internet, so I have time to directly address it! 

Also, I dont always follow rules I decided in my 20s (camo is a great, everyday color scheme!), but I am sticking with 3 bridesmaids (or less). I just can't have a million girls up there with me on my wedding day. I've been one of those girls, and I just couldnt do it to others. 

What exactly would you be doing to these other girls?

Maggie0829

Knottie1430754761 said:

Mikenberger and KatWAG, super helpful advice! 

I came on here to avoid being that bride that allow ppl to believe they are in the wedding when they arent. This convo just happened, via internet, so I have time to directly address it! 

Also, I dont always follow rules I decided in my 20s (camo is a great, everyday color scheme!), but I am sticking with 3 bridesmaids (or less). I just can't have a million girls up there with me on my wedding day. I've been one of those girls, and I just couldnt do it to others. 

I don't get this.

bethsmiles

It's fine that you don't want to have 15 bridesmaids. But your rules are silly and immature reasons for picking who you do want to stand next to you.

Someone already being married is the silliest of the three. Someone's relationship status really shouldn't have anything to do with it and if a friend told me I wasn't a bridesmaid because of my relationship status I'd be hurt that, that apparently was a more important factor than how close we are.

Just because your friends tell you your rules are totally cool doesn't mean they aren't rolling their eyes when you look away. They probably just don't want to hurt your feelings.

You are an adult, why are you relying on these childish rules you made up to choose who you will honor on your wedding day?

Knottie1430754761

The plan is for the wedding to be in CA, where I'm from and where my family and a few friends live. However, I currently live in NYC, where some of the girls live. While I understand that the wedding world says that if I want certain hair/makeup/dresses, that I pay for it, but since I have no particular preferences for those things, my bridesmaids would still (likely) get their nails/hair/make up done (which can add up, especially when added to the flight costs). Depending on where they live, they're likely buying tickets to one state for the bachelorette, or the other state for the actual wedding. I hope to help my BM's with as much of the costs as possible, and that gets much harder with the more BMs there are (and the fact that my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves). 

Planning will be difficult the more BMs their are, since they'll live cross-country. I don't think I'd be a high-maintenance bride, but having been a part of a large wedding party where we lived in separate states, even making decisions on where to hold the bridal shower (which I'm not doing), to when and where the bachelorette party would be, became a logistical nightmare. When a BM signs up to be in a wedding, it's hard to know how well all the BMs will work with each other, and even then, I doubt any of my potential BMs would back out just because another BM is difficult to work with. 

And those are just the issues that I can think of off the top of my head! I guess I see being a BM as both an honor, but also a lot of work. The women close to me would definitely do the work because they care for me, but I don't want to put that on everyone if I dont have to. 

lnixon8

Maybe your friends really don't mind your rules. But the general consensus around here is that just because people aren't approaching you about things doesn't mean they don't mind.  They can still find it tacky or snark about it behind your back (see Honeyfunds, cash bars, gaps, not asking people their dress budget individually etc.)

KatWAG

Knottie1430754761 said:

The plan is for the wedding to be in CA, where I'm from and where my family and a few friends live. However, I currently live in NYC, where some of the girls live. While I understand that the wedding world says that if I want certain hair/makeup/dresses, that I pay for it, but since I have no particular preferences for those things, my bridesmaids would still (likely) get their nails/hair/make up done (which can add up, especially when added to the flight costs). Depending on where they live, they're likely buying tickets to one state for the bachelorette, or the other state for the actual wedding. I hope to help my BM's with as much of the costs as possible, and that gets much harder with the more BMs there are (and the fact that my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves). 

Planning will be difficult the more BMs their are, since they'll live cross-country. I don't think I'd be a high-maintenance bride, but having been a part of a large wedding party where we lived in separate states, even making decisions on where to hold the bridal shower (which I'm not doing), to when and where the bachelorette party would be, became a logistical nightmare. When a BM signs up to be in a wedding, it's hard to know how well all the BMs will work with each other, and even then, I doubt any of my potential BMs would back out just because another BM is difficult to work with. 

And those are just the issues that I can think of off the top of my head! I guess I see being a BM as both an honor, but also a lot of work. The women close to me would definitely do the work because they care for me, but I don't want to put that on everyone if I dont have to. 

None of the bolded is hard at all.

And if you don't ask these people to be part of your bridal party, I assume they will still be invite. And this means that they will still have to buy a plane ticket.

You are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

Maggie0829

Knottie1430754761 said:

The plan is for the wedding to be in CA, where I'm from and where my family and a few friends live. However, I currently live in NYC, where some of the girls live. While I understand that the wedding world says that if I want certain hair/makeup/dresses, that I pay for it, but since I have no particular preferences for those things, my bridesmaids would still (likely) get their nails/hair/make up done (which can add up, especially when added to the flight costs). Depending on where they live, they're likely buying tickets to one state for the bachelorette, or the other state for the actual wedding. I hope to help my BM's with as much of the costs as possible, and that gets much harder with the more BMs there are (and the fact that my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves). 

Planning will be difficult the more BMs their are, since they'll live cross-country. I don't think I'd be a high-maintenance bride, but having been a part of a large wedding party where we lived in separate states, even making decisions on where to hold the bridal shower (which I'm not doing), to when and where the bachelorette party would be, became a logistical nightmare. When a BM signs up to be in a wedding, it's hard to know how well all the BMs will work with each other, and even then, I doubt any of my potential BMs would back out just because another BM is difficult to work with. 

And those are just the issues that I can think of off the top of my head! I guess I see being a BM as both an honor, but also a lot of work. The women close to me would definitely do the work because they care for me, but I don't want to put that on everyone if I dont have to. 

The issues you stated are pretty much only your issues because you are making them your issues.  If your friends want to spend 10K each to be in your wedding then that is their decision.  If your friends want to throw you a shower then the choice of location will be easy.  It will be a location that is best for you.  As for your bach party, again their choice to throw you one and it will be up to them to figure things out cordially.  You shouldn't have to worry about any of it because they shouldn't be bringing you into any of the drama (if there is any).

And just because you are asking someone to be in your wedding doesn't mean you are putting work on them.  It is their decision to do things for you, not some unwritten obligation or requirement.

In the end your rules are silly.  Throw them out the window.  Ask who you want and they will either say yes or no depending on what they want to do and stop worrying about the issues above, because they are only issues if you make them issues.  

Knottie1430754761

I'm only writing from my experience. Those things happened to me, in different weddings. Drove me crazy. I just cant do the same to my BMs. Personal preference. 

Knottie1430754761

lnixon8 said:

Maybe your friends really don't mind your rules. But the general consensus around here is that just because people aren't approaching you about things doesn't mean they don't mind.  They can still find it tacky or snark about it behind your back (see Honeyfunds, cash bars, gaps, not asking people their dress budget individually etc.)

These weren't fly-by-night convos. If the many friends that I talked to about these rules really had that much of a problem with it as this thread seems to have, at least one of them would have found a gentle way to tell me by now. But, I'm sure strangers know my friends better than I do!

Maggie0829

Knottie1430754761 said:

I'm only writing from my experience. Those things happened to me, in different weddings. Drove me crazy. I just cant do the same to my BMs. Personal preference. 

But you let them drive you crazy.  You didn't have to.  So no you are not doing the same thing to your friends.

Knottie1430754761 said:

lnixon8 said:

Maybe your friends really don't mind your rules. But the general consensus around here is that just because people aren't approaching you about things doesn't mean they don't mind.  They can still find it tacky or snark about it behind your back (see Honeyfunds, cash bars, gaps, not asking people their dress budget individually etc.)

These weren't fly-by-night convos. If the many friends that I talked to about these rules really had that much of a problem with it as this thread seems to have, at least one of them would have found a gentle way to tell me by now. But, I'm sure strangers know my friends better than I do!

And no, they wouldn't.  My friend refused to invite her co-workers husbands and SOs to her wedding.  She said that they would have a much better time coming solo.  I almost bit my tongue off not telling her that what she was doing was rude because as her friend I didn't want to start a fight or get her upset with me over this.  Probably the same with your friends and your ridiculous rules.

You realize that if you didn't even have these rules then you wouldn't be questioning whether or not to ask your sister to be in your wedding?  You just would because you wouldn't have self imposed rules in the way.  But instead you are stressing over what to do because "I want to have my close friends in the wedding but I also am close to my sister but 3 BMs and they need to be from a certain stage in my life and they can't be married!"  You are doing this to yourself.

KatWAG

Knottie1430754761 said:

lnixon8 said:

Maybe your friends really don't mind your rules. But the general consensus around here is that just because people aren't approaching you about things doesn't mean they don't mind.  They can still find it tacky or snark about it behind your back (see Honeyfunds, cash bars, gaps, not asking people their dress budget individually etc.)

These weren't fly-by-night convos. If the many friends that I talked to about these rules really had that much of a problem with it as this thread seems to have, at least one of them would have found a gentle way to tell me by now. But, I'm sure strangers know my friends better than I do!

Nope, we don't. But we will tell you what they will most likely say behind your back.

aliwis000

Knottie1430754761 said:

lnixon8 said:

Maybe your friends really don't mind your rules. But the general consensus around here is that just because people aren't approaching you about things doesn't mean they don't mind.  They can still find it tacky or snark about it behind your back (see Honeyfunds, cash bars, gaps, not asking people their dress budget individually etc.)

These weren't fly-by-night convos. If the many friends that I talked to about these rules really had that much of a problem with it as this thread seems to have, at least one of them would have found a gentle way to tell me by now. But, I'm sure strangers know my friends better than I do!

They are just not telling you.

I find it odd that the thing you are using to disqualify them is the very thing you are doing, getting married. How does that work?

Jen4948

I was a bridesmaid for my now-SIL even though at the time I lived 1600 miles away.

She and I are very close, but according to your rules she's had "her day" so she can't be my bridesmaid?  No.  I don't think so.

Also, your bridesmaids have no "duties" other than to get the designated outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits and go up and down the aisle with you.  If you only want three, that's fine, but it should not be to have "even sides" because not only is that not a rule, it's not important if you don't have the same number of attendants as your FI does.  They don't even have to be the same gender as you.

mikenberger

I honestly don't understand your rules and I'm not going to try to argue either way. Your bridal party should be filled with your nearest and dearest, selected 6-9 months prior to the wedding. Regardless of location, sex, gender, creed, religion, race, sport team affiliation, general likeness to a certain celebrity etc. 

End of story. If that's 20 people, okay. Maybe you need to rethink the words "nearest and dearest". But there's nothing wrong with more than 3, uneven sides or none at all.

artbyallie

Why, if you really only want ONE bridesmaid, do you not just have ONE bridesmaid? The number of wedding party members your partner wants on their side has NO bearing on how many you can/should have. Don't pick an arbitrary number just for the sake of having even sides.

justsie

artbyallie said:

Why, if you really only want ONE bridesmaid, do you not just have ONE bridesmaid? The number of wedding party members your partner wants on their side has NO bearing on how many you can/should have. Don't pick an arbitrary number just for the sake of having even sides.

Agree with above. If you wanted one, have one. It is not up to your FI who you want to stand up there with you. Also, all the things you mentioned as issues (coordinating a bachelorette party for instance) is jumping the gun. You don't even know yet if someone is going to offer to throw you one! One thing you could do to help your BP feel less stressed about planning such things would be to say "thanks but now thanks" when they offer. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you have to have a bachelorette if you don't want one.

southernbelle0915

If you only want 3 BMs, fine. Cool. Then just pick the 3 people you're closest with. If that means 3 people who are all married and from your college years, fine. Cool. The rules that you created to help actually seem to be making things harder.

And I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but if people feel like you and don't like being part of a big WP, they probably don't care if they're a BM or a guest....so its not like girls will be lining up around the block vying for a spot up front.

I think it's nice that you plan to help with whatever costs you can. Don't be hurt, though, if people can't afford to do the bach. If your wedding is out of state, they could spend upwards of a grand just to be there for you the day of....without the bach! So don't expect that just because it'll be logistically more simple to plan with fewer people, that it'll happen at all.