stress. just stress {mainly venting fyi}

MissKittyDanger

Why does it seem murphy's law is actually happening!?!?

So few things we have gone over budget for, which was fine because I kind of anticipated those things being more and we knew we were saving more than anticipated

But now i may kill my fiance.

No, not really. Just incredibly pissed.

This morning he was saying he wasn't feeling well and decided to go to work anyways.

He drives, I bus.

I get a phone call this morning.

He hit someone's bumper.

WHAT!?

So lady is going to try and keep insurance out if we pay, but this could be way more than we can afford!

I am kind of grateful for the fact our Stag & Doe is in a couple weeks, might save us. But a bumper could be whole thing or just part. And could be about $1,200

I am sobbing and screaming inwardly because I'm at work.

Guys ..... is this a sign or just super bad luck?
Any one else have something ridiculously bad happen close to date?

It's like 67 days until the wedding!!

NOLABridesmaid

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

mikenberger

NOLABridesmaid said:

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

The stag and doe parties that I'm familiar with are parties that the bride and groom host and you have to PAY to attend. Tickets are sold, the bar is cash and you have to buy you own food. Any money left over, the bride and groom keep for the expenses of the wedding. 

Please tell me you're not throwing one of those.

ETA: English is tough.

tawillers

Where's the decapitated flower girl story?  Because that's "ridiculously bad."  Your FI hit someone's bumper and everyone is ok.

If the bumper is more than you can afford, turn it in to insurance.  Either route is going to cause you to pay, whether it's for the bumper or if your premium goes up, so just calm down and figure this out.  Accidents happen.

tawillers

mikenberger said:

NOLABridesmaid said:

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

The stag and doe parties that I'm familiar with are parties that the bride and groom host and you have to PAY to attend. Tickets are sold, the bar is cash and you have to buy you own food. Any money left over, the bride and groom keep for the expenses of the wedding. 

Please tell me you're not throwing one of those.

ETA: English is tough.

Wait.  How would there be money left over?

mrsconn23

tawillers said:

mikenberger said:

NOLABridesmaid said:

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

The stag and doe parties that I'm familiar with are parties that the bride and groom host and you have to PAY to attend. Tickets are sold, the bar is cash and you have to buy you own food. Any money left over, the bride and groom keep for the expenses of the wedding. 

Please tell me you're not throwing one of those.

ETA: English is tough.

Wait.  How would there be money left over?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe

A stag and doe party, stag and drag party, hen and stag party, buck and doe party, or a jack and jill party is a party and fundraiser for an engaged couple.

In Canada, a similar event is popular in Ontario and Manitoba under various names. In Southern Ontario it may be called a stag and doe, or buck and doe,^[1] and in Northwestern Ontario it is called a shag. In Manitoba, this is often called a social or wedding social.

The event is usually organized by the bridal party, but in some circumstances may also be held by the bride and groom before they are married, similar to a Jack & Jill. It acts as a fundraiser for the wedding. Guests purchase entrance tickets and are entertained by draws, food and drink, music and fun and games. It is not a combined stag night/bachelor party and bachelorette party, or engagement party, as the primary focus is to raise money for the engaged couple, so their new life together is not started in debt. The intent of a stag and doe party is specifically to make a profit. Often, people who may not be close enough to the engaged couple to warrant an invitation to the wedding or reception (especially in the case of a small wedding), will attend the stag and doe so as to be part of the overall wedding celebration. Hosting a stag and doe party does not preclude the couple from participating in other wedding-related parties, such as a bridal shower, bachelor party, bachelorette party, and so on. A popular stag and doe tradition is a Toonie toss, which has guests toss toonies ($2.00 CAD coins) at a Texas mickey (3L) bottle of liquor. The toss runs for some time until the Toonie closest to the bottle without making contact wins the bottle.

In Manitoba, in addition to purchasing entrance tickets, guests bid on silent auction prizes, participate in a 50-50 draw, and purchase liquor.^[2] Typical food at a Manitoba wedding social includes KUB bread, cold cuts, cheese cubes, and Timbits.^[3][4] Often the bridal or wedding shower is held the afternoon before the social. Other times, it is used as a fundraiser for the wedding itself and will be held a few weeks before the day of the wedding.

mikenberger

tawillers said:

mikenberger said:

NOLABridesmaid said:

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

The stag and doe parties that I'm familiar with are parties that the bride and groom host and you have to PAY to attend. Tickets are sold, the bar is cash and you have to buy you own food. Any money left over, the bride and groom keep for the expenses of the wedding. 

Please tell me you're not throwing one of those.

ETA: English is tough.

Wait.  How would there be money left over?

Tickets are usually pretty expensive ($15-20) and it's usually thrown in a backyard or other low to no cost venue. You buy tickets for entrance, booze tickets etc. And the one I've been to, cash in cards was expected. "Please, cash only gifts." 

It's pretty fucking tacky.

tawillers

Yeah.  I just googled.  It's literally a fundraiser for the wedding/honeymoon, which explains why the OP said the party would "save" them.  They could use their fundraiser money to pay for the accident.  Gross.

Heffalump

Gross.

I'm glad everyone is okay with the bumper thing.  But the Stag & Doe thing is just awful.  Maybe the fender bender was a sign from above that drove you to TK to vent, and in doing so, saved you from yourselves?

mikenberger

tawillers said:

Yeah.  I just googled.  It's literally a fundraiser for the wedding/honeymoon, which explains why the OP said the party would "save" them.  They could use their fundraiser money to pay for the accident.  Gross.

Yup. 

aliwis000

mrsspence87 said:

Why does it seem murphy's law is actually happening!?!?

So few things we have gone over budget for, which was fine because I kind of anticipated those things being more and we knew we were saving more than anticipated

But now i may kill my fiance.

No, not really. Just incredibly pissed.

This morning he was saying he wasn't feeling well and decided to go to work anyways.

He drives, I bus.

I get a phone call this morning.

He hit someone's bumper.

WHAT!?

So lady is going to try and keep insurance out if we pay, but this could be way more than we can afford!

I am kind of grateful for the fact our Stag & Doe is in a couple weeks, might save us. But a bumper could be whole thing or just part. And could be about $1,200

I am sobbing and screaming inwardly because I'm at work.

Guys ..... is this a sign or just super bad luck?
Any one else have something ridiculously bad happen close to date?

It's like 67 days until the wedding!!

So is this stag and doe party the kind where people are buying tickets to fund your wedding?

If not, I am glad everyone is ok and things will get better.

If so, I have little to no sympathy for you. I am glad nobody was hurt, I would NEVER wish that on ANYONE. However, little things like this happen. You are getting married and I assume are therefore of legal age..aka an adult.

Adults pay for their own stuff. Be it car accidents or weddings. Have a wedding you can afford on your own while still keeping a nest egg for emergencies like this one. Welcome to adulthood.

NowIamMrsKlein

mikenberger said:

tawillers said:

Yeah.  I just googled.  It's literally a fundraiser for the wedding/honeymoon, which explains why the OP said the party would "save" them.  They could use their fundraiser money to pay for the accident.  Gross.

Yup. 

I had never heard of it either, and googled it. That's just so so wrong. You have the wedding that you can afford! I couldn't even imagine asking for money from my friends. I had a hard enough time accepting money from my mom to pay for my dress! We are adults and we are choosing the type of wedding that we are having, and therefore we pay for it! Like adults!!

OP i am sorry he got in an accident, but accidents happen and thankfully no one got hurt. These type of circumstances are just further proof as to why you plan events within your means, because life always throws you unexpected costs and you need to be able to pay for them yourself. That is part of being an adult.

MissKittyDanger

mikenberger said:

tawillers said:

mikenberger said:

NOLABridesmaid said:

1. I don't believe in bad luck.

2. Please explain what a Stag and Doe is? Is this a British thing?

The stag and doe parties that I'm familiar with are parties that the bride and groom host and you have to PAY to attend. Tickets are sold, the bar is cash and you have to buy you own food. Any money left over, the bride and groom keep for the expenses of the wedding. 

Please tell me you're not throwing one of those.

ETA: English is tough.

Wait.  How would there be money left over?

Tickets are usually pretty expensive ($15-20) and it's usually thrown in a backyard or other low to no cost venue. You buy tickets for entrance, booze tickets etc. And the one I've been to, cash in cards was expected. "Please, cash only gifts." 

It's pretty fucking tacky.

Yes we are having one. Our tickets are only like $5.

Wedding party is actually throwing it for us.

Where we're doing it is at a bar, no booze tickets or gifts. {i've never heard of gifts being done there} We're doing games that the guests can win things, so it's not just us getting anything they get some sweet gifts too.

It's actually pretty customary here and have never actually heard of someone NOT doing stag & doe party, so tbh it sounds weird when everyone is snarking about it.

For most stags to be worth it, you do put some money in to get good prizes. Raffles, games, etc.

Not tacky. Going to be fun.

Also, guestimating on damages on other car it'll cost almost $1200 for everything. We don't have that in our pocket.

MissKittyDanger

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

aliwis000

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

So why not invite everyone to the wedding?

It is like saying "Sorry I cannot afford to have everyone and/or my dream venue cannot hold everyone but for the low low price of $5 you can come hang out with us! That is just as good right?"

What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.

NowIamMrsKlein

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

Wow, im sorry but if I wasn't good enough to be invited to the wedding, but I was invited to a party where I had to pay admission to attend, I would not feel so great about my relationship with the bride and groom.

"Sorry you aren't invited to the wedding, but you are welcome to come and pay to attend this other party to fund our wedding/pay for our car repairs that were our fault/pay for our honeymoon"

Just because its customary doesn't mean you should do it.

ETA: PP's are just trying to get you to see it from an outsiders perspective. Lots of times brides get caught up in 'customs and traditions' not realizing that those traditions are really inappropriate. We are all guilty of it, but we can all learn from listening to the advice we receive. Helps to get the opinions of people who don't feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear, your friends and family are going to tell you they're happy with your plans, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they arent grouching about it to others.

MissKittyDanger

aliwis000 said:

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

So why not invite everyone to the wedding?

It is like saying "Sorry I cannot afford to have everyone and/or my dream venue cannot hold everyone but for the low low price of $5 you can come hang out with us! That is just as good right?"

What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.

Other than wedding party, our wedding is family only. It was our choice and we wanted it that way.

Again .... i don't understand why everyone hates on stags. They're fun. Whether you fund the wedding, honeymoon or that goes towards something else. Gifts on the wedding day go towards the same thing, a stag is more straight forward.

Heffalump

So if your $5/ticket stag and doe is going to save your wedding following a minor accident, exactly how many people are invited?

MissKittyDanger

Heffalump said:

So if your $5/ticket stag and doe is going to save your wedding following a minor accident, exactly how many people are invited?

at the moment only 30 people have confirmed. we're not relying on the stag to pay for everything, it's just nice to know it's happening just in case it's more than we're thinking.

total invited? far more than will come because friends of friends and friends of family have been invited and want to go.

NowIamMrsKlein

mrsspence87 said:

aliwis000 said:

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

So why not invite everyone to the wedding?

It is like saying "Sorry I cannot afford to have everyone and/or my dream venue cannot hold everyone but for the low low price of $5 you can come hang out with us! That is just as good right?"

What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.

Other than wedding party, our wedding is family only. It was our choice and we wanted it that way.

Again .... i don't understand why everyone hates on stags. They're fun. Whether you fund the wedding, honeymoon or that goes towards something else. Gifts on the wedding day go towards the same thing, a stag is more straight forward.

People hate on stags because it is a party specifically to fund something that the Bride and Groom should be funding themselves. Gifts are never mandatory at weddings, and generally in life its rude to ask for money so to have an event that has an entrance fee is incredibly tacky. You are essentially demanding people pay for something that you should be paying for.

 If you get cash for your wedding, thats great, that is the guest choosing to give you money as a gift. But someone should never expect other people, especially people who are not invited to the wedding, to fund any aspect of your life.

MissKittyDanger

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

mrsspence87 said:

aliwis000 said:

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

So why not invite everyone to the wedding?

It is like saying "Sorry I cannot afford to have everyone and/or my dream venue cannot hold everyone but for the low low price of $5 you can come hang out with us! That is just as good right?"

What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.

Other than wedding party, our wedding is family only. It was our choice and we wanted it that way.

Again .... i don't understand why everyone hates on stags. They're fun. Whether you fund the wedding, honeymoon or that goes towards something else. Gifts on the wedding day go towards the same thing, a stag is more straight forward.

People hate on stags because it is a party specifically to fund something that the Bride and Groom should be funding themselves. Gifts are never mandatory at weddings, and generally in life its rude to ask for money so to have an event that has an entrance fee is incredibly tacky. You are essentially demanding people pay for something that you should be paying for.

 If you get cash for your wedding, thats great, that is the guest choosing to give you money as a gift. But someone should never expect other people, especially people who are not invited to the wedding, to fund any aspect of your life.

if people don't wanna pay, they don't have to go. we have been straightforward on costs, so it's not a surprise.

if people feel so strongly against them, why are still a culture norm? I have zero issues going to a stag to help out. Maybe it means the couple can afford something extra? Even if I'm not invited to the wedding, it means that the couple gets something nice.

I am all for that.

It's like giving to charity. It doesn't have to benefit you to make a difference. I really don't see it as wrong. We aren't begging people to come to the party, nor are we expecting them to dish out money. Can't afford it? Don't agree? Don't go. I may be the bride, but I'm not begging for people's money. I have saved my ass off for what I can afford. I am not going beyond my means and have cut corners or found a cheaper option where I can.

NowIamMrsKlein

I really don't think its a cultural norm.

I am 28 years old, been in 5 weddings, and attending 24 weddings over the past 8 years. And guess what. Not a single one of those couples had one of these events.

Obviously you are going to do what you want to do, and we can't stop you on here. I just don't get why you have to charge an admission. Just have an engagement party. Call it an engagement party. Host it properly with food and drink. If people want to give you a gift then they will. Then everyone can come and have a good time, and you will still probably get some monetary gifts, you just aren't charging your friends and family admission to come to hang out with you.

frenchiekin

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

I really don't think its a cultural norm.

I am 28 years old, been in 5 weddings, and attending 24 weddings over the past 8 years. And guess what. Not a single one of those couples had one of these events.

Obviously you are going to do what you want to do, and we can't stop you on here. I just don't get why you have to charge an admission. Just have an engagement party. Call it an engagement party. Host it properly with food and drink. If people want to give you a gift then they will. Then everyone can come and have a good time, and you will still probably get some monetary gifts, you just aren't charging your friends and family admission to come to hang out with you.

This.  If you are not going beyond your means for your wedding and don't need your guests (or non-guests) to fund it for you, then why charge people to attend something that supports a wedding that (in most cases) they are not even invited to?  If money for your wedding isn't an issue because you have saved and budgeted properly, then I don't see the point (not that I agree with these parties to begin with, just saying from a logical perspective).

I agree the accident sucks and the timing is awful, but shit happens.  It's a fender bender.  Go through insurance and you at least won't be whacked with a huge bill that you have to pay RIGHT NOW to a woman who may try to take you for all you're worth.  I am very glad no one got hurt, but to say this is a "ridiculously bad" thing to happen just before your wedding is a gross exaggeration.  Ridiculously bad would be a loved one falling very ill.

Accidents happen all the time, and pretty much never at a time when you're just rolling in extra disposable income.  You take your day to cry about it and then you put your big girl pants on and figure out how to deal with it.  

aliwis000

mrsspence87 said:

aliwis000 said:

mrsspence87 said:

Also .... we can afford the wedding. That's kinda harsh everyone just assumes that the Stag & Doe automatically goes to funding wedding. How majority of people I know view it, is a party to celebrate the bride & groom since not everyone is invited to the wedding.

So why not invite everyone to the wedding?

It is like saying "Sorry I cannot afford to have everyone and/or my dream venue cannot hold everyone but for the low low price of $5 you can come hang out with us! That is just as good right?"

What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.

Other than wedding party, our wedding is family only. It was our choice and we wanted it that way.

Again .... i don't understand why everyone hates on stags. They're fun. Whether you fund the wedding, honeymoon or that goes towards something else. Gifts on the wedding day go towards the same thing, a stag is more straight forward.

Still so confused. You want to celebrate with these people but you do not want them at a wedding? So ...I do not get it. You either want to celebrate with them...IE invite them to the wedding or you do not...IE do not invite them.

Having a second party kind of puts people in their place. "You are kinda my friend and I want to celebrate with you, while charging you $5 a head, but I do not want you at my actual wedding."

You are right, it is your choice on who is invited I agree with that 100%. But then holding a consolation party for those who did not make the cut is rude. As far as the family only angle I am not sure how that applies. There are people I am closer to who are not technically family. Own your choice to have a small wedding or have a big wedding. You do not get to have both without being rude.

MissKittyDanger

frenchiekin said:

SoontobeMrsKlein said:

I really don't think its a cultural norm.

I am 28 years old, been in 5 weddings, and attending 24 weddings over the past 8 years. And guess what. Not a single one of those couples had one of these events.

Obviously you are going to do what you want to do, and we can't stop you on here. I just don't get why you have to charge an admission. Just have an engagement party. Call it an engagement party. Host it properly with food and drink. If people want to give you a gift then they will. Then everyone can come and have a good time, and you will still probably get some monetary gifts, you just aren't charging your friends and family admission to come to hang out with you.

This.  If you are not going beyond your means for your wedding and don't need your guests (or non-guests) to fund it for you, then why charge people to attend something that supports a wedding that (in most cases) they are not even invited to?  If money for your wedding isn't an issue because you have saved and budgeted properly, then I don't see the point (not that I agree with these parties to begin with, just saying from a logical perspective).

I agree the accident sucks and the timing is awful, but shit happens.  It's a fender bender.  Go through insurance and you at least won't be whacked with a huge bill that you have to pay RIGHT NOW to a woman who may try to take you for all you're worth.  I am very glad no one got hurt, but to say this is a "ridiculously bad" thing to happen just before your wedding is a gross exaggeration.  Ridiculously bad would be a loved one falling very ill.

Accidents happen all the time, and pretty much never at a time when you're just rolling in extra disposable income.  You take your day to cry about it and then you put your big girl pants on and figure out how to deal with it.  

We're trying to keep out of insurance because FI is still paying higher than typical since he's under 25 {male, under 25 pays higher insurance here}

Worse comes to worse, we will .... it's just .... really? 2 months before the wedding? *frustrated grumble*

Sounds stupid but this is actually one of my biggest fears closer to the date it gets.

MissKittyDanger

scribe95 said:

Look, it's not a cultural norm. Hence half the people on here not knowing what it is. And it's just icky to invite people to an event with the goal of making money off them. Ugh.

And obviously you can't afford the wedding if you are hoping this will bail you out. I mean as adults you are supposed to have a savings account to cover things just like a fender bender but you clearly don't.

When the fender bender will cost $1200 and your current savings is for wedding, any extra is helpful.

Side note to all:

For the record, we've actually told people we don't need other items for bridal shower or wedding. We've been living together for 4yrs, we don't need extra.

Not like I need to justify it, but this is how WE are doing OUR wedding.

MNNEBride

"We're trying to keep out of insurance because FI is still paying higher than typical since he's under 25 {male, under 25 pays higher insurance here}

Worse comes to worse, we will .... it's just .... really? 2 months before the wedding? *frustrated grumble*

Sounds stupid but this is actually one of my biggest fears closer to the date it gets."

Ignoring the Stag and Doe stuff.  I will just say that accidents happen.  There is never a good time to have to pay out extra money.  If it's not 2 months before the wedding, it'll be 2 months after we had to **insert large homeowner expense here**, or 2 months until the baby is here.  It's just life.  You can be pissed at your fiance but next time it may be you who hits someone's bumper.  Decide the best way to deal with it together and then move on.

frenchiekin

mrsspence87 said:

scribe95 said:

Look, it's not a cultural norm. Hence half the people on here not knowing what it is. And it's just icky to invite people to an event with the goal of making money off them. Ugh.

And obviously you can't afford the wedding if you are hoping this will bail you out. I mean as adults you are supposed to have a savings account to cover things just like a fender bender but you clearly don't.

When the fender bender will cost $1200 and your current savings is for wedding, any extra is helpful.

Side note to all:

For the record, we've actually told people we don't need other items for bridal shower or wedding. We've been living together for 4yrs, we don't need extra.

Not like I need to justify it, but this is how WE are doing OUR wedding.

Ok, so really the guests of your Stag and Doe are contributing to your car repairs/various other life expenses, since you do not need money for the wedding nor any household wedding gifts.  I just don't know why it's ok to ask your family and friends to pay for a car accident just because you happen to be getting married.  Just trying to understand the thought process here.  I would never ask my aunts/uncles/cousins or friends to help us pay for the fender bender we just got into... it's not their responsibility.  

How do other people or couples who are not currently planning a wedding get through things like this when they are on a budget?  I just don't buy into the idea that people are special or more deserving of charity just because they decided to get married, which people do every single day.

ShesSoCold

My car insurance is due next week. You guys wanna host a fundraiser for me? Rent is due too - better invite a lot of people. Thanks.

Peaseblossom55

My laptop, kindle and hair straightner have all died on me in the past 2 weeks... this has me thinking....

redoryx

Unless you and your FI have registered as a 501c3, pretty sure you shouldn't compare your stag & doe party to a guest donating to a charity.