PPD's: "I've never seen it done any other way"

flutteringinfl

So as I've mentioned in other threads, last week I hosted a dear college friend. We hadn't seen each other in about three years, so it was great to catch up. At one point during her trip, she mentioned that she was going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding soon, and a few things made my eyebrows go up:

"She only asked me a couple weeks ago, and we're not that close, so I have a feeling she asked me because someone dropped out."

"They're actually already married. They did the paperwork because they needed the health insurance."

I can't deny I got a little snarky at that point. I mentioned then, that it's not actually a wedding, and my friend's argument was basically, "Well, they already had the deposit down when they found out they had to get married. What were they supposed to do?"

I could tell she was a little upset at my butting in, so I dropped it. But then she started asking more questions, and they were genuinely curious. She wanted to know all about wedding etiquette. Primarily, she wanted to know why I'm against getting married and then having a "wedding" later, because, and I'm quoting, "I've literally never been to a wedding where the couple wasn't married beforehand."

She honestly thought that the paperwork portion was "a huge hassle" and it was better to get it out of the way weeks or even months before the wedding, and then have the ceremony later. I told her even courthouse weddings require some kind of ceremony, which is legally binding. It's not just signing a piece of paper, and it's really not such a complicated process that it needs to be done separately for the rest of the wedding. So yes, in fact, she is going to be attending a re-enactment of a ceremony. This would not be the first time the couple said their vows.

I seriously think I blew her mind. And she later admitted that she was kind of bothered at being asked to be a BM, but didn't think there was a way to decline.

What mind-blowing wedding things (or hey, even non wedding things) have you educated your friends on? Do you hold your tongue when they mention grievous etiquette errors?

mikenberger

flutteringinfl said:

So as I've mentioned in other threads, last week I hosted a dear college friend. We hadn't seen each other in about three years, so it was great to catch up. At one point during her trip, she mentioned that she was going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding soon, and a few things made my eyebrows go up:

"She only asked me a couple weeks ago, and we're not that close, so I have a feeling she asked me because someone dropped out."

"They're actually already married. They did the paperwork because they needed the health insurance."

I can't deny I got a little snarky at that point. I mentioned then, that it's not actually a wedding, and my friend's argument was basically, "Well, they already had the deposit down when they found out they had to get married. What were they supposed to do?"

I could tell she was a little upset at my butting in, so I dropped it. But then she started asking more questions, and they were genuinely curious. She wanted to know all about wedding etiquette. Primarily, she wanted to know why I'm against getting married and then having a "wedding" later, because, and I'm quoting, "I've literally never been to a wedding where the couple wasn't married beforehand."

She honestly thought that the paperwork portion was "a huge hassle" and it was better to get it out of the way weeks or even months before the wedding, and then have the ceremony later. I told her even courthouse weddings require some kind of ceremony, which is legally binding. It's not just signing a piece of paper, and it's really not such a complicated process that it needs to be done separately for the rest of the wedding. So yes, in fact, she is going to be attending a re-enactment of a ceremony. This would not be the first time the couple said their vows.

I seriously think I blew her mind. And she later admitted that she was kind of bothered at being asked to be a BM, but didn't think there was a way to decline.

What mind-blowing wedding things (or hey, even non wedding things) have you educated your friends on? Do you hold your tongue when they mention grievous etiquette errors?

My friend is getting married next weekend, I'm in the wedding party. She was also in my wedding on the first of May. She thought I was CRAZY by telling her "You can do whatever you want with your hair." "You can wear whatever you want for shoes." "You don't have to get your hair and makeup done if you don't want to." She has been dictating hair and makeup for everybody (including demanding that her sister and her MOH change their hair color) for her wedding. And then everybody is paying for their own hair and makeup.

What really blew her mind was "I'm not inviting Mary (a mutual friend's SO) to my wedding because I don't like her. She doesn't make any effort to get to know her boyfriends friends and that's bullshit. I'm not going to have her at the wedding. She's not invited." Mary and this mutual friend have been together for over 4 years. She's moved cross country with this friend of ours 3 times. I asked her how she would feel if someone didn't invite her but so obviously invited her fiance to a wedding? She just blatantly said that it was her wedding and she could do whatever she wanted. And if her fiance tried to go to a wedding that she wasn't invited to, she would leave him. 

She's turned into quite the peach during this process.

lnixon8

Mostly bridesmaid related:Letting bridesmaids pick their own dresses, not buying them all the same/wedding-related stuff and acting like its a gift, having a 10 year old be a bridesmaid.

I love when people hear about the dresses and respond with some version of "You actually trust THEM to decide?" Yes I trust my best friends (the 10 year old had help from her mom). 

novella1186

I think some people really just don't get it. 

One of my best friends-- who was a BM-- flew in a couple days before my wedding and we were hanging out. I mentioned something about having taken time off work to drive to the state we were getting married in because we needed to get our marriage license in person. 

She said, "Oh, so you already got married before your wedding?"

I said, "No, all we did was pick the marriage license up. You have to get it ahead of time so that you can sign it at the wedding." 

She said, "But if you already have the marriage license then that means you're married." 

I said, "No, we haven't signed it yet, and the officiant hasn't signed it yet. Nothing is legally binding or official till the wedding day." 

But she kept arguing with me. There seems to be a lot of confusion as to how weddings actually work. 

flutteringinfl

mikenberger said:

flutteringinfl said:

So as I've mentioned in other threads, last week I hosted a dear college friend. We hadn't seen each other in about three years, so it was great to catch up. At one point during her trip, she mentioned that she was going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding soon, and a few things made my eyebrows go up:

"She only asked me a couple weeks ago, and we're not that close, so I have a feeling she asked me because someone dropped out."

"They're actually already married. They did the paperwork because they needed the health insurance."

I can't deny I got a little snarky at that point. I mentioned then, that it's not actually a wedding, and my friend's argument was basically, "Well, they already had the deposit down when they found out they had to get married. What were they supposed to do?"

I could tell she was a little upset at my butting in, so I dropped it. But then she started asking more questions, and they were genuinely curious. She wanted to know all about wedding etiquette. Primarily, she wanted to know why I'm against getting married and then having a "wedding" later, because, and I'm quoting, "I've literally never been to a wedding where the couple wasn't married beforehand."

She honestly thought that the paperwork portion was "a huge hassle" and it was better to get it out of the way weeks or even months before the wedding, and then have the ceremony later. I told her even courthouse weddings require some kind of ceremony, which is legally binding. It's not just signing a piece of paper, and it's really not such a complicated process that it needs to be done separately for the rest of the wedding. So yes, in fact, she is going to be attending a re-enactment of a ceremony. This would not be the first time the couple said their vows.

I seriously think I blew her mind. And she later admitted that she was kind of bothered at being asked to be a BM, but didn't think there was a way to decline.

What mind-blowing wedding things (or hey, even non wedding things) have you educated your friends on? Do you hold your tongue when they mention grievous etiquette errors?

My friend is getting married next weekend, I'm in the wedding party. She was also in my wedding on the first of May. She thought I was CRAZY by telling her "You can do whatever you want with your hair." "You can wear whatever you want for shoes." "You don't have to get your hair and makeup done if you don't want to." She has been dictating hair and makeup for everybody (including demanding that her sister and her MOH change their hair color) for her wedding. And then everybody is paying for their own hair and makeup.

What really blew her mind was "I'm not inviting Mary (a mutual friend's SO) to my wedding because I don't like her. She doesn't make any effort to get to know her boyfriends friends and that's bullshit. I'm not going to have her at the wedding. She's not invited." Mary and this mutual friend have been together for over 4 years. She's moved cross country with this friend of ours 3 times. I asked her how she would feel if someone didn't invite her but so obviously invited her fiance to a wedding? She just blatantly said that it was her wedding and she could do whatever she wanted. And if her fiance tried to go to a wedding that she wasn't invited to, she would leave him. 

She's turned into quite the peach during this process.

FI's sisters are in my WP and one of them has been adamantly assuring me at every turn, "Don't worry, I won't try to show you up!" She wanted my permission to wear a certain style of dress for the rehearsal, for Pete's sake. I keep telling her, please, other than the color and fabric options I chose for the BM dresses, I really don't care what you do! 

I wasn't a BM in her wedding so I don't know what she was like as a bride, but FI suggested that she might be acting this way either because she expected all of her BM's to follow a certain uniform, or because her husband's sister, who was in her bridal party, treated her badly and tried to show her up. Could be either one. Or both.

flutteringinfl

novella1186 I do wonder if that's where my friend's confusion stems from, not knowing the difference between picking up the license and actually being married. It sounds like for us, picking up the license is going to be the more hassle-ish part than the ceremony and signing the papers, but that has to be done before the wedding anyway because our state has a waiting period.

badbnagdway

Tried to talk a friend out of a Honeyfund, didn't work. Now they are registered for plane tickets they actually already purchased. 

But, I DID convince her that it was not ok to invite people to her engagement party who are not invited to her wedding. So that was a win -- both for etiquette and for me since she had about 20 additional people in mind to invite to the engagement party but not the wedding. 

anjemon

I mostly just hold my tongue. I haven't run into it a lot, because I am not close to anyone who is planning a wedding. But I did a lot for my wedding. There were questions about us hosting alcohol, not having a dollar dance, and not doing any wedding party introductions or group dance.  Most of those things are common in my circle (and I think my area) and people were confused why we were doing something different. And I didn't want to lecture people, so I just held my tongue and gave easy answers.

flutteringinfl

One thing she really wouldn't budge on is the idea that witnessing a "symbolic" wedding was just as meaningful as witnessing a real one. I mean, what do you say to that? Seriously asking, because I didn't know what to say.

ETA: I realize one solution is to not say anything, but she was asking me what the issue was and I said something along the lines of, "It's just not a real wedding." I guess if I'd had more time to think I might say something like, "A wedding is two people getting married. They begin not married, and they end married. A symbolic wedding is two people already married pretending to be married." But I dunno, I feel like there exist more concrete arguments.

badbnagdway

novella1186 said:

I think some people really just don't get it. 

One of my best friends-- who was a BM-- flew in a couple days before my wedding and we were hanging out. I mentioned something about having taken time off work to drive to the state we were getting married in because we needed to get our marriage license in person. 

She said, "Oh, so you already got married before your wedding?"

I said, "No, all we did was pick the marriage license up. You have to get it ahead of time so that you can sign it at the wedding." 

She said, "But if you already have the marriage license then that means you're married." 

I said, "No, we haven't signed it yet, and the officiant hasn't signed it yet. Nothing is legally binding or official till the wedding day." 

But she kept arguing with me. There seems to be a lot of confusion as to how weddings actually work. 

They work differently in different states too -- we actually were required to sign ours in the clerk's office, but the officiant and witness signed after the ceremony. 

beachyone15

My BFF suggested that we have a dollar dance "so that we'll get a lot of cash". They did it at their wedding and I wasn't about to start lecturing them about how rude it is so I just said "yeah, maybe".

We also had a family come to our wedding that wasn't invited. We invited the parents and somehow their 4 (YES, 4!!!) adult children assumed they were all invited as well. By the time I found out, they had already bought plane tickets. It was so late in fact, that we were already getting RSVPs back. We had already had some declines so I let it go. I was fucking furious though.

emmaaa

I think recently the cutesy BM pictures pre-wedding have become super popular. At BFF's wedding in September she bought us all matching outfits for pictures. When it came time for our wedding, they kept asking what I wanted them to wear before the wedding. I just told them whatever they wanted, we weren't doing any "getting ready" pictures. I worse a flannel and yoga pants.

novella1186

beachyone15 said:

My BFF suggested that we have a dollar dance "so that we'll get a lot of cash". They did it at their wedding and I wasn't about to start lecturing them about how rude it is so I just said "yeah, maybe".

We also had a family come to our wedding that wasn't invited. We invited the parents and somehow their 4 (YES, 4!!!) adult children assumed they were all invited as well. By the time I found out, they had already bought plane tickets. It was so late in fact, that we were already getting RSVPs back. We had already had some declines so I let it go. I was fucking furious though.

H's dad wrote out the guest list for their side of the family, and I followed what he wrote. I assumed there was no need to question him. For a few relatives, he included "and children" or "and family" or whatever. So that's how we sent the invitations. 

I found out after the fact that these "and children" were ADULT children who don't even live at home anymore (and even if they did, they'd get their own invite). I was super embarrassed. 

Maybe some people think you still invite in family units, no matter the age? lol who knows. 

anjemon

flutteringinfl said:

One thing she really wouldn't budge on is the idea that witnessing a "symbolic" wedding was just as meaningful as witnessing a real one. I mean, what do you say to that? Seriously asking, because I didn't know what to say.

ETA: I realize one solution is to not say anything, but she was asking me what the issue was and I said something along the lines of, "It's just not a real wedding." I guess if I'd had more time to think I might say something like, "A wedding is two people getting married. They begin not married, and they end married. A symbolic wedding is two people already married pretending to be married." But I dunno, I feel like there exist more concrete arguments.

I think your argument about a fake wedding is where a couple is pretending to be married is pretty spot on. I also like to focus on what they're telling people. Are they telling everyone they're already (legally) married? If not, why is it a secret? You only keep it a secret if you are afraid to tell people the truth or you know you did something wrong.

BouxRadley

I remember watching an episode of some wedding show one time, where the couple just went out and got legally married because they wanted to (literally only a month or so before the planned ceremony). The bride was scared shitless to tell her dad because (and of course they didn't say this on the show) she had to have known that her dad missed out on seeing his daughter actually get married. PPDs are not weddings. They are reenactments at best. 

I'm with @anjemon. If you're scared, or hiding the truth, you know damn well you done goofed.

flutteringinfl

anjemon said:

flutteringinfl said:

One thing she really wouldn't budge on is the idea that witnessing a "symbolic" wedding was just as meaningful as witnessing a real one. I mean, what do you say to that? Seriously asking, because I didn't know what to say.

ETA: I realize one solution is to not say anything, but she was asking me what the issue was and I said something along the lines of, "It's just not a real wedding." I guess if I'd had more time to think I might say something like, "A wedding is two people getting married. They begin not married, and they end married. A symbolic wedding is two people already married pretending to be married." But I dunno, I feel like there exist more concrete arguments.

I think your argument about a fake wedding is where a couple is pretending to be married is pretty spot on. I also like to focus on what they're telling people. Are they telling everyone they're already (legally) married? If not, why is it a secret? You only keep it a secret if you are afraid to tell people the truth or you know you did something wrong.

Yeah, and I think in the end, if she's not bothered by witnessing a "symbolic ceremony" then I'm probably wasting my time trying to convince her that it's wrong. She said she doesn't think it's a secret, and if it's the norm in your circle to actually be married before your "wedding," then I'm sure very few guests will bat an eye.

NowIAmSyp

One of my friends is getting married next month- she is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world.  And she has a three-hour gap.  Ugh!!  

I bit my tongue when she was talking about it.  A gap is pretty freaking bad, but I just couldn't do it.  However- if she had talked about honeyfunds/dollar dances or something on that level, I don't think I could hold back

thespeshulestsnowflake

mikenberger said:

flutteringinfl said:

So as I've mentioned in other threads, last week I hosted a dear college friend. We hadn't seen each other in about three years, so it was great to catch up. At one point during her trip, she mentioned that she was going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding soon, and a few things made my eyebrows go up:

"She only asked me a couple weeks ago, and we're not that close, so I have a feeling she asked me because someone dropped out."

"They're actually already married. They did the paperwork because they needed the health insurance."

I can't deny I got a little snarky at that point. I mentioned then, that it's not actually a wedding, and my friend's argument was basically, "Well, they already had the deposit down when they found out they had to get married. What were they supposed to do?"

I could tell she was a little upset at my butting in, so I dropped it. But then she started asking more questions, and they were genuinely curious. She wanted to know all about wedding etiquette. Primarily, she wanted to know why I'm against getting married and then having a "wedding" later, because, and I'm quoting, "I've literally never been to a wedding where the couple wasn't married beforehand."

She honestly thought that the paperwork portion was "a huge hassle" and it was better to get it out of the way weeks or even months before the wedding, and then have the ceremony later. I told her even courthouse weddings require some kind of ceremony, which is legally binding. It's not just signing a piece of paper, and it's really not such a complicated process that it needs to be done separately for the rest of the wedding. So yes, in fact, she is going to be attending a re-enactment of a ceremony. This would not be the first time the couple said their vows.

I seriously think I blew her mind. And she later admitted that she was kind of bothered at being asked to be a BM, but didn't think there was a way to decline.

What mind-blowing wedding things (or hey, even non wedding things) have you educated your friends on? Do you hold your tongue when they mention grievous etiquette errors?

My friend is getting married next weekend, I'm in the wedding party. She was also in my wedding on the first of May. She thought I was CRAZY by telling her "You can do whatever you want with your hair." "You can wear whatever you want for shoes." "You don't have to get your hair and makeup done if you don't want to." She has been dictating hair and makeup for everybody (including demanding that her sister and her MOH change their hair color) for her wedding. And then everybody is paying for their own hair and makeup.

What really blew her mind was "I'm not inviting Mary (a mutual friend's SO) to my wedding because I don't like her. She doesn't make any effort to get to know her boyfriends friends and that's bullshit. I'm not going to have her at the wedding. She's not invited." Mary and this mutual friend have been together for over 4 years. She's moved cross country with this friend of ours 3 times. I asked her how she would feel if someone didn't invite her but so obviously invited her fiance to a wedding? She just blatantly said that it was her wedding and she could do whatever she wanted. And if her fiance tried to go to a wedding that she wasn't invited to, she would leave him. 

She's turned into quite the peach during this process.

Sorry, but I cannot get past the bolded. How are they still talking to her?

ShesSoCold

I also got a lot of confusion on marriage license =/= married. 

H and I took the morning off work to go get our marriage license. When I came into the office, several people congratulated me and said, "So it's legal now?!" Um. No. It's a blank piece of paper. 

erinkelsey3

I'm a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding. I thought she was doing pretty well etiquette-wise until she told us she was having a two hour gap and a head table (wedding party separated from their dates for most of the evening).

I bit my tongue about the gap but couldn't leave the head table thing be. This wedding is 7 hours away from me (longer for the other bridesmaids), the wedding party and our dates are all taking off work, the bridesmaid dress she picked was $150 over the bridesmaids' budgets, and we're paying for hotel rooms for two nights in a large (expensive) city. I dealt with all those things because she is my friend, and I care about her. But damn, can't we at least sit with our dates???

I don't know if it's even technically an etiquette issue, but it sure does suck. I guess the crappiest thing about it is that I (along with two other bridesmaids) did say something to her about how we would really prefer to sit with our dates if that was possible, and she totally denied the request. Tough pill to swallow when you try to accommodate a friend as much as possible and in return she basically says "Nah, I don't really care what you want."

randomslove

Is she in a military-heavy area? It's the (terrible) norm here and pisses me off that people actually think marrying a service member for the benefits is okay. One of my female friends who I served with was asked once why she joined when she could just marry a Marin and get all the benefits that way.

...
...
What?

In my opinion, if the benefits of marrying someone for healthcare, etc., are that good, you should join yourself. Even if you're in a relationship and -maybe- headed for marriage, don't get married sooner for the benefits. Those rarely work. I have watched countless of those "but we really care about each other and this way we can stay together and move in together and so-and-so will have healthcare, etc." marriages fail.

BouxRadley

erinkelsey3 said:

I'm a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding. I thought she was doing pretty well etiquette-wise until she told us she was having a two hour gap and a head table (wedding party separated from their dates for most of the evening).

I bit my tongue about the gap but couldn't leave the head table thing be. This wedding is 7 hours away from me (longer for the other bridesmaids), the wedding party and our dates are all taking off work, the bridesmaid dress she picked was $150 over the bridesmaids' budgets, and we're paying for hotel rooms for two nights in a large (expensive) city. I dealt with all those things because she is my friend, and I care about her. But damn, can't we at least sit with our dates???

I don't know if it's even technically an etiquette issue, but it sure does suck. I guess the crappiest thing about it is that I (along with two other bridesmaids) did say something to her about how we would really prefer to sit with our dates if that was possible, and she totally denied the request. Tough pill to swallow when you try to accommodate a friend as much as possible and in return she basically says "Nah, I don't really care what you want."

FI was the best man at his brother's wedding a year ago (before our engagement, but we had been together about a year and a half at that point) and I knew no one but the couple, parents, and close family. The wedding was in Pennsylvania, and I'd only met FBIL and Wife a time or two before. FI was forced to sit at the head table, and you could tell I was definitely a last minute thought, because they didn't even try and squeeze me in at one of the 4!! family tables. So I got to sit over at the reject's table with a bunch of people I had zero in common with for 90% of the ceremony until his aunt came over and dragged me to their table. She was PISSED that I wasn't "allowed" to sit at their table. 

The wedding party also spent the entire cocktail hour (or three) taking pictures, as well as about 85% of the actual reception because the photog convinced them sunset "was THE time to get great shots." So the married couple didn't even enjoy the reception. They showed up right about time everyone else was leaving. 

tl:dr: You don't need 600 posed photos and head tables are god awful for OOT SO's of the wedding party. Also inconsiderate. 

julieanne912

So far I haven't had to do much as nobody has made any really weird suggestions., although I think people, upon arrival, will be surprised to see no cash bar and no money dance, since that's pretty much what everyone does at their weddings in FI's group. 

However, both my mom and MOH are very concerned that I haven't told them what I want them to wear.  When they ask, I say "wear whatever you want".  My mom kept asking me about colors, so I finally said, well what color do you like to wear?  She said she think she looks nice in navy blue.  I said "that sounds perfect and will go nicely with our colors", so she's simmered down now.  My MOH says I have to go shopping with her so she picks something that I like.  Ugh.  I'll do it though cause she seems really insecure about it. 

flutteringinfl

No, I don't know anyone in that circle who's in the military and she didn't mention anything about these folks being in the military. I honestly think it was a case of, something came up health wise (with the bride, I think) and instead of making an adult decision, they decided, "We can sign that boring old paperwork now and have a real wedding later!"

lmcooper86

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse when I try to argue that no, I do NOT have a year to send thank you notes for wedding gifts! The number of people who have said "oh don't stress about it, you have a year" is actually mind boggling.

You have up to a year to GIVE a wedding gift, so I suppose technically you could be writing a thank you note 11 months after your wedding...but any gifts that you received on the actual wedding date need a thank you note asap. I don't understand why this is a difficult concept for other people to grasp.

Also, one of my BMs recently got engaged, and made a comment at my shower that she wasn't sure how much she and her FI would actually want to register for since they already live together and have a lot of what they need. Someone else jumped in and told her to register for gift cards and cash. I had to bite my tongue at the time, but I'm determined to dispel that idea long before it's time for her to register!

l9i

When our wedding came around a friend who I'd been in their wedding shortly before said we just haddddd to do a dollar dash thing because they got so much money from it.  At the wedding, I felt so awkward for them because I thought it was tacky and we for sure did NOT do that or anything similar.  There was also a honeyfund and a long gap including an hour distance between ceremony and reception.

I've got another wedding I'm in coming up and I've tried hard to assure the bride she doesn't need even sides.  It's done no good... asking for the sake of numbers and then replacing people when they decline... 

yogapants

soontobesyp said:

One of my friends is getting married next month- she is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world.  And she has a three-hour gap.  Ugh!!  

I bit my tongue when she was talking about it.  A gap is pretty freaking bad, but I just couldn't do it.  However- if she had talked about honeyfunds/dollar dances or something on that level, I don't think I could hold back

A 3-hour gap is way more rude to guests than a honeyfund or even a dollar dance.

redoryx

yogapants said:

One of my friends is getting married next month- she is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world.  And she has a three-hour gap.  Ugh!!  

I bit my tongue when she was talking about it.  A gap is pretty freaking bad, but I just couldn't do it.  However- if she had talked about honeyfunds/dollar dances or something on that level, I don't think I could hold back

A 3-hour gap is way more rude to guests than a honeyfund or even a dollar dance.

Agreed. I don't have to participate in a honeyfund or dollar dance, but there's no way of getting out of a gap. 

thisismynickname2

Like a PP, I, too, have a dear friend for whom I'm a bridesmaid. Just found out there would be a head table without SOs. 

I hate sitting at head tables. 

I didn't say anything though, because in the grand scheme of things, everything's going well with this wedding. There is no gap (which is quite common around here unfortunately). We got to choose our own dresses. We're not brideslaves. DH is friends with other husbands who will be left out of the head table and they're apparently assigned to sit together. He'll live. 

But anyway in regards to the PPD, I know nobody who's done that. One person I know did want to get it done earlier than the planned wedding because of a job and insurance situation that came up suddenly, but at that point I did speak up and say, "But people want to actually see you get married." She (and her mother who heard me) agreed; the couple didn't do a PPD. 

Maggie0829

randomslove said:

Is she in a military-heavy area? It's the (terrible) norm here and pisses me off that people actually think marrying a service member for the benefits is okay. One of my female friends who I served with was asked once why she joined when she could just marry a Marin and get all the benefits that way.

...
...
What?

In my opinion, if the benefits of marrying someone for healthcare, etc., are that good, you should join yourself. Even if you're in a relationship and -maybe- headed for marriage, don't get married sooner for the benefits. Those rarely work. I have watched countless of those "but we really care about each other and this way we can stay together and move in together and so-and-so will have healthcare, etc." marriages fail.

Wow.  Just...wow.

madamerwin

One of my best friends from childhood is "getting married" in two weeks. In quotes because she and her "fiance" got married for reals last June, in a small church ceremony, for insurance reasons. They originally wanted to have a "big wedding" last year, but her husband's large family lives in another country, so they couldn't swing it. So instead of just being happy with their small wedding or holding off on the real thing until this summer, they took the PPD route.

So now, I am attending a PPD for a very close friend. A handful of people know they are already married, but I am 99% sure the majority of guests do not know (and she is not using her husband's name until after fake wedding, and FB status is still set to "engaged". I was supposed to be a BM in her "wedding," but since mine is the following weekend, I couldn't handle it. She is also requiring BMs to get their hair and makeup done professionally, and be there by 10am for an evening wedding.  I am going to the PPD because I care about her, but I am most definitely side-eyeing while holding my tongue.

On a better note, a coworker is getting married in DR next weekend. She mentioned something about "doing all the paperwork" months ago, which I assumed meant she was doing a PPD. But NO! She and FI went through all the hoops so they can get legally married in the DR. It was refreshing to hear that they are doing it right.