Maid of Honor Drama

sammirae87

I'm getting married in September and I asked my SIL to be my MOH. When her and my brother got together we were hardcore BFFs, literally doing everything together. We even got our noses and tongues pierced together! And have matching tattoos of "Sister" in Polish. Well after my ex and I split we drifted apart - her and my brother wanted to start a family and I wanted to be wild and let loose being as I never had the chance after having gotten married at 19 (and divorced at 22). I don't blame her for that at all, it's just how time played out and I love my nephew more than words. But we've never had the same relationship and seem to just talk about family get togethers, when we hear from our estranged father, and now the wedding.

Fast forward to now, I'm getting married and I asked her to be MOH and she accepted. However, the entire engagement has been one giant hassle. She hasn't liked ANY of my ideas, complained that it's costing her too much money - though her and my brother can afford an impromptu trip to Vegas and a cruise in July - and I haven't asked her to pay for anything aside from her outfit. Well, now she has absolutely disrespected my fiance by trying to call him out on social media and making comments of "ignorant janitor" and about his schooling past. She also doesn't like him and has said before that I'm more than welcome to come hang out with her and my brother, but my fiance is not allowed. Now I have also found out that she has said behind my back that she doesn't think I'm really in love with my fiance and that I'm just settling - which I'm surprised she would even think she knows considering we don't ever talk anymore!

I could deal with her being a pain with her opinions on everything, but I can't deal with her disrespecting my fiance like that. However, I worry that if I ask her to step out, she'll take my nephew (my ring bearer) out and my brother won't walk me down the aisle. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do and could really use some advice right now. TIA for anything you ladies got!

Maggie0829

sammirae87 said:

I'm getting married in September and I asked my SIL to be my MOH. When her and my brother got together we were hardcore BFFs, literally doing everything together. We even got our noses and tongues pierced together! And have matching tattoos of "Sister" in Polish. Well after my ex and I split we drifted apart - her and my brother wanted to start a family and I wanted to be wild and let loose being as I never had the chance after having gotten married at 19 (and divorced at 22). I don't blame her for that at all, it's just how time played out and I love my nephew more than words. But we've never had the same relationship and seem to just talk about family get togethers, when we hear from our estranged father, and now the wedding. Fast forward to now, I'm getting married and I asked her to be MOH and she accepted. However, the entire engagement has been one giant hassle. She hasn't liked ANY of my ideas, complained that it's costing her too much money - though her and my brother can afford an impromptu trip to Vegas and a cruise in July - and I haven't asked her to pay for anything aside from her outfit. Well, now she has absolutely disrespected my fiance by trying to call him out on social media and making comments of "ignorant janitor" and about his schooling past. She also doesn't like him and has said before that I'm more than welcome to come hang out with her and my brother, but my fiance is not allowed. Now I have also found out that she has said behind my back that she doesn't think I'm really in love with my fiance and that I'm just settling - which I'm surprised she would even think she knows considering we don't ever talk anymore! I could deal with her being a pain with her opinions on everything, but I can't deal with her disrespecting my fiance like that. However, I worry that if I ask her to step out, she'll take my nephew (my ring bearer) out and my brother won't walk me down the aisle. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do and could really use some advice right now. TIA for anything you ladies got!

Once you ask you cannot unask.  

And in your case this isn't just a friend this is a family member.  This is your brothers wife.  This is a person that you will have in your life most likely forever.  So to kick her out would just cause a lifetime of drama, not only with her, but with your brother as well.

Is what she doing shitty?  Yes.  So I would suggest you forget that she is a MOH and just focus on talking to her as a friend and SIL.  If you are unhappy with her disrespecting your FI and saying not so nice things then you need to talk to her.

So I would call her up and set a time to talk to her.  Make sure it is just you and her in a place that is quiet and you can have a conversation.  You may come out of that conversation not BFFs, hell you may even still be mad at her, but you and she need to discuss some of the issues you noted above.  In the end you need to be cordial to her at least for the sake of your relationship with your brother and nephew.

I also suggest not talking to her about your wedding anymore.  If she doesn't know the details then she can't comment on them.  As for her complaining about money and then going on trips.  Well it is none of your business how people spend their money.  Some people may just like to complain when it comes to buying things that aren't about them, so just ignore that behavior.

southernbelle0915

Kicking her out will cause a serious rift. 

What you're upset about is:

1) that she isn't welcoming of your FI; 

2) that she's disrespectful towards him; and

3) that she's talking shit about you and your relationship behind your back.

None of these things are wedding related, so try taking the wedding out of it for a minute. If y'all have been close in the past, do you feel like you could approach her about how these things are hurtful for you? 

novella1186

southernbelle0915 said:

Kicking her out will cause a serious rift. 

What you're upset about is:

1) that she isn't welcoming of your FI; 

2) that she's disrespectful towards him; and

3) that she's talking shit about you and your relationship behind your back.

None of these things are wedding related, so try taking the wedding out of it for a minute. If y'all have been close in the past, do you feel like you could approach her about how these things are hurtful for you? 

This. 

Maggie0829 said, how she spends her money is none of your business. If she wants to go on a vacation, that's fine. If she doesn't want to drop tons of money on someone else's wedding, that's fine too. 

My H and I have a savings account specifically to take a vacation once a year. We save and budget carefully for that vacation because it's important to us, so that is something we can definitely afford. 

Now H is a groomsman in a friend's wedding, and between the tux rental, wedding gift, 2 nights in a hotel because it's out of town, etc, it's going to cost us about $600. That's a lot for us. That's not something we budgeted and planned for, and I can be unhappy about the expense if I want to be because that bride and groom are not entitled to my money. 

aurianna

To handle the money situation simply ask her "What is your budget for your dress?" (you should ask this of each of the bridesmaids). Then you pick a dress below the lowest budget. Or even be more hands-off and just say "get whatever dress you want of x-color(s), y-length and z-fabric(s)." At that point she can't complain about cost if it's within a budget she set. The dress IS the only thing you should expect her to pay for, so as long as you make sure it's within her budget and don't try to add on any other expenses, this issue should go away. Now, potentially traveling and lodging could be more than she wanted, but as long as you aren't forcing her to stay anywhere specific / show up before the wedding day, she should just get over that.

If she's got nothing nice to say about your plans, stop sharing them with her. That one is easy.

The rest... is a problem. It's a friend-problem and not a MoH-problem as PPs have said. In either case, I'd leave her in the wedding to avoid family drama. If you want to salvage the friendship you might need to talk with her. If you don't care if the friendship dies, just remain civil with her but stop interacting on the close level you did in the past.

sammirae87

You all are absolutely right about me not having any business about what they do with their money, but like I said, I have not asked her to pay for a single thing aside from her outfit which the shoes are from Payless and the dress was reasonably priced - I wouldn't dream of asking my maide's to stand in a dress that cost more than a weeks worth of groceries. My concern is that they have never been welcoming to my FI just for the sheer fact that he is different. He's not arrogant, a jerk, mean, or nasty in any way. He just marches to the beat of his own drum and speaks his mind. And after all of the things she's put me through with this wedding ( I have cried on multiple occasions ), and now all of this coming to light and happening, he REFUSES to stand with her - and I honestly don't blame him. 

There will be family drama - I'm well aware of that. However, if you actually look at it, there already is. FI refuses to go to any family functions anymore because he feels extremely unwelcomed and uninvited, which is pretty accurate. My brother wasn't even going to come to our wedding until I asked him to walk me part way down the aisle - and even then it was like pulling teeth to try to get him to do that because you could tell he didn't want to.

I'm trying to be as rational as possible here, but with all the events that unfolded last night and all of the new information coming to light, I just am absolutely flabbergasted at everything and how she could even think things like what she has, and at how she just flew off the handle on him on Facebook ( I know, the root of all evil ). 

I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place because I know that my relationship with her will NEVER be the same - I've tried and tried to rekindle it, but she just doesn't seem to want to put the same effort into it as I do. So I know that I'm really not losing anything and I personally don't want her standing either if she really feels like that. On top of, like I said, my FI absolutely refuses to stand with her and doesn't want anything to do with her or my brother anymore. But at the same time, I know there will be drama, probably only my mom and Stepdad will end out coming to the wedding on my side, and once again, because I don't do things the "conventional" way or "normal" way, I will be the black sheep and looked at like the bad guy.

Maybe I'm just going crazy???

flantastic

sammirae87 said:

You all are absolutely right about me not having any business about what they do with their money, but like I said, I have not asked her to pay for a single thing aside from her outfit which the shoes are from Payless and the dress was reasonably priced - I wouldn't dream of asking my maide's to stand in a dress that cost more than a weeks worth of groceries. My concern is that they have never been welcoming to my FI just for the sheer fact that he is different. He's not arrogant, a jerk, mean, or nasty in any way. He just marches to the beat of his own drum and speaks his mind. And after all of the things she's put me through with this wedding ( I have cried on multiple occasions ), and now all of this coming to light and happening, he REFUSES to stand with her - and I honestly don't blame him. 

There will be family drama - I'm well aware of that. However, if you actually look at it, there already is. FI refuses to go to any family functions anymore because he feels extremely unwelcomed and uninvited, which is pretty accurate. My brother wasn't even going to come to our wedding until I asked him to walk me part way down the aisle - and even then it was like pulling teeth to try to get him to do that because you could tell he didn't want to.

I'm trying to be as rational as possible here, but with all the events that unfolded last night and all of the new information coming to light, I just am absolutely flabbergasted at everything and how she could even think things like what she has, and at how she just flew off the handle on him on Facebook ( I know, the root of all evil ). 

I just feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place because I know that my relationship with her will NEVER be the same - I've tried and tried to rekindle it, but she just doesn't seem to want to put the same effort into it as I do. So I know that I'm really not losing anything and I personally don't want her standing either if she really feels like that. On top of, like I said, my FI absolutely refuses to stand with her and doesn't want anything to do with her or my brother anymore. But at the same time, I know there will be drama, probably only my mom and Stepdad will end out coming to the wedding on my side, and once again, because I don't do things the "conventional" way or "normal" way, I will be the black sheep and looked at like the bad guy.

Maybe I'm just going crazy???

How difficult is it to say nothing to her at all, let her stand in your wedding like you asked her to, and leave everyone's relationship open to healing or getting worse? You don't need to do any work to "rekindle" things. You don't even need to contact her. Presumably she knows where the wedding is. What's the worst thing that can happen? She's there? She's not there? You both still get married.

Rise above any negativity. Straight up ignore. Tell your FI that this is the adult way for both of you to handle things. I understand that you're hurt and he wants to defend you, but neither of you needs to make a giant deal out of kicking her out of the wedding. It won't accomplish anything.

lyndausvi

All decisions, good or bad, come with consequences. 

 There are no wedding police going around to arrest you for kicking out a BM.  So go ahead, get rid of her.

That doesn't mean there are not some serious consequences involved with your decision.   Only you can decide if the fallout of your choice is worth it or not.

zitiqueen

Why did you ask her to be your MOH if your friendship had pretty much dissolved?

lnixon8

What do you mean when you say your FI refuses to stand with her? As in pictures? Or if she walks down the aisle and stand where the MOH is supposed to stand then he's leaving the ceremony? 

downtondiva

You need to talk to your FI. I completely understand why you are both mad at your sister-in-law. Having said that, as long as you don't get into a big confrontation about it and let her stay in the wedding, you have a chance to have at least a civil relationship with your SIL and brother, and maybe even to make things better than that between you guys down the road. If you insist on kicking her out of your wedding party and your FI wants nothing to do with her, you are throwing away that chance, and you could miss out on being a part of your nephew's life.

Tell your FI that you don't want to make things worse, and that you guys need to be the grown-ups in this situation. That way, if your SIL doesn't show up at your wedding or quits your BP, that's her decision, not yours. Be the bigger person.